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Recently while having dinner with my old colleague/friend a couple weeks ago, he mentioned how he quit his job at this healthcare startup. He talked about enjoying his time off and getting the chance to relax, do nothing and pretty much reenergize from that startup life. I was so envious as he spoke of this time off and started believing that’s what I need. I asked how he’s able to even do it and of course that one keyword: savings. Granted he’s 55 and married so having money saved up over the years along with a spouse’s income helps him to take advantage of the opportunity to do this.

With how discouraged I’ve been with work, maybe taking a break from work or this job in general will be a good idea…IF I WAS BALLIN’! I have my finances straight, debt gradually disappearing, and money saved, but I’m not going to waste my savings to shoot the shit. It’s the “adult” in me telling me to be responsible. Ugh. Anyways, this job is still relatively new since I haven’t been there for a full year yet. I’ve faced bad but also good challenges at this job and I am at a wonderful opportunity where I am the lead designer. This is my shining moment and that last project really fucked me up. I’m currently transitioning onto a new project and here’s my chance to move on and redeem myself.

I wish I could take sabbatical leave or just easily quit my job and figure out what I want out of this job. I think somewhere down the line I forgot about my goals and lost a bit of my confidence as a designer. With any job there will be struggles, but that project really destroyed me. I’ve dealt with difficult projects and clients in the past especially during the early stages in my career, but damn not like this. In the meantime, I’m diving back into the design community and taking advantage of the resources that’s out there to get me inspired and motivated again.

I haven’t had the chance to write a post since work was a shit show before I left, but here’s an update to what I’ve been up to…

My POS manager threw me a goodbye party that I kept saying no to, but the dumb bitch insisted. I honestly didn’t even want to go to my own party, but whatever. Kinda wish I stuck with my instincts on that one because the stupid bitch didn’t even make reservations to the place that our team likes going to AND they weren’t open. I was pissed and embarrassed. No surprise the dumb bitch would do this to me. Luckily there’s many bars close by since we were in the Mission in SF so finding a new spot didn’t take too long. It was a small group of us and even my old boss showed up because the POS invited him. I really didn’t want him to know, but it was good to see him.

Although I wasn’t so thrilled to see the POS. Stupid bitch showed up 2 hours later and no apologies. I was really pissed when I saw her and honestly wanted to smack the shit out of her for doing this. Instead I gave her a dirty look when she got there and I ignored her all night. She hardly spoke to me and I realized she invited my old boss and another previous colleague to the party so she could have someone to talk to. Nonetheless, everyone had a good time as well as I did but seriously what a fucking bitch…

The next day I came into the office to meet with the POS’ manager to share with her my long list of the bullshit that I’ve been dealing with since February. I was already getting choked up coming from a previous meeting and chatting with a colleague. So the moment I met with POS’ manager and closed the door, the water works kicked in. I was very hurt to have to talk about the shit that I’ve had to deal with and didn’t want to be reminded of it all. Her manager was taken back by my list and had no idea all of this was going on. I told her how I was forced out of the company because of the POS and I’ve wanted to just do my job without having any conflict. I sat in there conference room with her talking about the situation and crying for 2 hours straight. I was just so exhausted and wanted to just go home. Her manager hated how I’ll be leaving the company on these terms and plans on talking to POS.

I addressed the key points about POS’ but my biggest concern was the state of the team and how I feel like POS is damaging the team with her own agenda. I told her how I wouldn’t have given my 2 weeks to POS, but I mainly did it for the sake of my team since we’re lacking resources. I told her about how protective and supportive I’ve been towards this team especially since POS can’t even pull her own weight and ‘manage’ properly. Her manager appreciated hearing that from me and told me to not let POS win. It was nice to hear that from her. After our meeting, I emailed her manager my “list” of the dumb shit the stupid bitch has been doing to me…EVERY WEEK. I really hope this asshole gets fired. No one ever deserves to be treated like that. I’m glad the POS’ manager was very understanding and empathetic. She even told me she doesn’t feel like with our conversation that I was badmouthing the POS. I also learned from her that the POS isn’t even thrilled about having to report to her and that they’ve been butting heads. Her manager is nice but is a total hard ass and won’t take no one’s shit even if it’s coming from POS. Sucks to be her…

After speaking with her manager, I went back to my desk to do a little bit of work to wait for the traffic to die down before I head home. As I sat there trying to get myself together, my mom called me and when I picked up she asked if I was okay. She knew I was going to speak with the POS’ manager, but had no clue what time or anything. Talk about motherly instincts. It was comforting and sweet of my mom to call and check on me. I felt relieved and when I had gotten home I treated myself to a simple pho dinner. I just wanted to be comforted in that moment and pho and a long shower did the trick.

My last day was June 24. It was my first time ever coming in on a Friday and it was a total ghost town since most work from home on Fridays. I mainly came into the office because: 1) I was looking for my PS2 Capcom Classics video game, 2) helped my work mom with her portfolio, 3) shoot the shit around the office and to have homemade ice cream made by my work mom and lastly 4) I needed to give back my laptop. It was a very bittersweet day and of course my day wouldn’t be complete without the POS giving me a hard time on my last day. Before I left, my work mom and a couple colleagues that were in the office came by our area to eat some ice cream and hang out. It was nice and I appreciated how supportive and encouraging they were towards me. I know that day my work mom was sad that I’m leaving, so since she had treated me out to lunch I treated her to a manicure and pedicure at this salon across the street. It was the least that I could do since she’s been so supportive of me.

Driving home from SF made me feel sad. I thought about how weird and sad it is that I won’t be working with this team anymore. I’ve met a lot of great people at this company and gained great friends along the way. I remember when I sent out my goodbye email and received such sweet replies minus one with a colleague of mines being the first to respond and calling me a ‘quitter’ haha. I was surprised to people’s reaction with me leaving and I appreciated their kindness. It pains me that I can’t be surrounded by them anymore. Yeah, we’ll keep in touch but I really wished I could’ve stayed. As much as I wanted to stay, they’re happy for my new adventure and just happy to see me happy again. One person on my team asked me on my last day if I feel relieved and to a degree I did, but I felt so numb to everything.

I haven’t cried about leaving up until now. I should be more excited about my new job and maybe once the dust settles there I will be, but for now I’m a little upset and scared. I’ll get over it, but the sadness is kicking in and I just feel so hurt. I’m not crying because of the POS, but because I care so deeply about my work and my team. I was so dedicated to it all and it hurts a lot to not be a part of that journey anymore…

As happy as I am about my new job, I thought I’d feel a bit more relieved after giving my POS manager my 2 week notice. Well, not really. It didn’t really hit me until I sent out my goodbye email to my colleagues this evening. I felt a little sad, but I was still okay…until people started replying to the email. As I was going about the rest of my evening, the replies kept on coming and I just lost it when I got home. The replies that I was getting were quite unexpected for me seeing people’s reactions to my departure. I found myself crying with face into the palm. I feel really heartbroken about leaving. I wish I could bring all of my colleagues with me. They’re all just really good people.

I’ll get over this. For now, it just really hurts and I’m very sad about all of this.

My sleeping problems over the past 2 weeks has gotten worst. I was able to sleep early at like 10pm, but now I can’t fall asleep until 3am. It honestly sucks. I am one of those people that can be constantly looking at their calendars on their phone. While I make sure I’m attending meetings on time, penciling in time for friends or attending design/techie events, I’ve been in denial about the remainder of my time at my current job. When I looked at my calendar yesterday and seeing June 1, my heart kinda sank. I pretty much have until the end of this month. Granted I’ve been lucky to have interviewed so quickly and with so many potential employers, I should be happy that I’ve been able to have these conversations and people are interested in me. There’s something better out there for me as well as for the rest of my team. Yet I find myself to be so heartbroken by what’s been going on at work. I’ve grown overly attached to my team during my 2 years. They’ve become great friends to me and it truly pains me to see my team unhappy.

Last Wednesday was the ultimate shit show. It’s one thing that my POS manager treats me like shit, but to see her doing it to someone else on my team makes me really angry and upset. I find it all so disturbing as to how she went about firing/laying off my colleague/friend that I’ve worked very close with since day 1 when I joined the team. Not only has he been great to work with and is extremely talented, but I gained an awesome friend and mentor throughout my time there. The POS didn’t even have a legitimate reason to let the guy go and handled the situation in such a sloppy manner. I thought the things that she had done to me was pretty low, but I guess not. When POS and I had a discussion later the day last week, she asked how I felt. I straight up told her if she was really a manager she would have a bit more integrity in handling things and not be so damn petty. Honestly, shame on her.

Last week I started clearing out my desk. I started with taking home my collection of design books. Yesterday I took the rest of my things like my mug, some tea, umbrella, some postcards I decorated my desk with, etc. I guess at that point clearing all of that off you can tell I was really not coming back. I felt really sad looking at that bare desk and all the hours I’ve spent there working and collaborating with my team. Not only does it pain me that I won’t be moving forward with this team, but to see/know that they’re all kinda stuck. Yeah, they can quit and leave but it’s not that easy. I spoke with my work mom yesterday and while we got pedicures after work for her birthday, I told her how heartbroken I’ve been with the circumstances. Our team has grown together and been through a lot. We’ve all been very supportive towards each other and it makes me really sad to not have that anymore. I know we’ll all be in touch but it makes me really unhappy that I won’t be working with this talented crew. It fucking sucks.

It’s been hard for me to focus on my work since I’m very unmotivated right now with the shit show that’s been going on. Professionally, I’m having a very hard time with things. It doesn’t help with the email that POS sent to me this afternoon in regards to me clearing out my desk. She wanted to check in with me and would like me to give a 2 week notice. Um, how about no and fuck you? Also, she wanted to know how and when to announce to my team about me leaving. Um, you dumb bitch…they already know. I simply told her that she can do whatever she wants with that news and I don’t care if we do something or not for me. I told her my biggest concern right now that with all of the chaos happening with our team as well as the organization, I’d like the team to continue staying focused on the work and to continuing delivering kick ass design work. I don’t want to contribute to the distractions that’s been going on at work. Reading her email and having to respond to it made me really upset. I found myself sitting at my desk at home, crying hysterically into my palms. I’m unhappy that my hard work isn’t acknowledged and I can’t move forward with this team anymore. It’s really disappointing to see what damage the POS has done to the team.

As much as this all hurts, I know I will move onto bigger and better things. I can only continue to hope for happier days not only for myself, but for the rest of my team as well…

I’ve been so beat up from work, both physically and mentally. I’m physically exhausted from being overworked. My eyes are so tired from staring at the screen for long periods of time. I feel like my thoughts are so scattered that when I’m trying to even talk to someone I have total brain fart. I’m very restless. Besides that, I continue to go into work to get treated like shit by my “manager”. The type of shit gets to you no matter how hard you try to fight it off. I come into the office and the POS tells me to go find another job, constantly gives me a hard time and does other stupid shit to give me hell. Recently I found out from a colleague on my team that this POS told him to give me a hard time and to be mean to me. What fucking manager does that? I’m scared to go to HR again since I know she’ll give me an even harder time than she is already after I went to HR the first time around. I’ve never met anyone so hateful and disgusting in my life. I don’t know what I’ve done to her that’s so horrible that I have to be treated this way.

I’m just a huge mess right now and I’m trying my hardest to leave this job right now. I feel so trapped and it really sucks. I drove home Thursday evening from work and just felt extremely defeated by everything. The shit that comes out of the POS’ mouth is just so insensitive and arrogant. It’s quite clear she wants me out, but damn did you really just ask me how’s my job search going, any leads?! Such a fucking bitch. I really wanted to throw a chair at this crazy bitch. I just looked at her like “wtf?” and told her to mind her business. How do you not want to throw your laptop at the bitch for the stupid shit that comes out of her mouth? My current project at work is essentially designing myself out of a job. I put very little effort into it because I don’t give a fuck. It’s basically putting all of my skills and knowledge into this document for her to reference to since she finds a lack of the need for my role. I’m just taking my sweet ass time with it and making mistakes on purpose to piss her off.

Besides the bullshit, I have taken the initiative to update my portfolio and resume. The past couple of weeks I was definitely overworking myself. Day time I’d be working on work related projects and night time I’d be working on my portfolio and resume. I was running on 2-4 hours of sleep during that period. So how do you not lose your mind while you’re getting shitted on by your boss as well as being very sleep deprived. Luckily I’ve finished everything before my recent trip to Phoenix. Getting away had helped a lot and I got to relax just a little bit. When I had returned from my trip, I had some final touches to make to my portfolio and have been aggressively applying to jobs. I’ve had 3 interviews so far in less than a week, so I guess that’s something to be happy and proud of. Two out of the 3 interviews, I’ve had second interviews with. I just hope I can get through the next couple of rounds so I can seriously get the fuck out of my company.

Alongside with updates my portfolio and resume, I’ve been documenting everything and anything that I can. I’ve backed up my work files from my work and personal computer. I had planned on getting a new laptop since my personal one is relatively new, it’s super slow. I was ready to trade my personal laptop in for cash to pay towards a new laptop. Luckily I was able to find someone that does in person trades rather than those websites. I met up with the guy yesterday, who is a Standford alumni that does this whole thing part time. Really friendly and nice guy. I got a really good deal from him for my laptop. I’ll go into more details about my meeting with him in another post. After I got my large wad of cash from him, I immediately went to the Apple store. Got my laptop, went home, installed everything I needed and continued taking the files I need from work. I see all of this being a period where I’m rebuilding myself professionally as a designer. I’m very happy with the output my portfolio, granted I still need to do some more work but it’s good enough to get me to applying to jobs.

During my drive home I felt so upset and defeated, yet I felt so angry at the company as well as myself for getting treated like this. If this is how I’ll be treated during my remaining time at the company, then seriously fuck you and I’m taking everything with me. I feel very betrayed by the company. My ultimate goal is to get a job ASAP, take all the necessary files, and leave this crazy cunt a note on her desk with my laptop and badge saying “today’s my last day”. That’s how much of a big fuck you I want to give her and this company. I’ve contributed so much and this is how I’m getting treated? It’s bullshit. I don’t give a fuck if doing that makes me look bad. I deserve more recognition for my hard work and I actually want to do my work that I’m getting paid to do instead of fighting with an idiot everyday. It’s annoying and exhausting. I kinda don’t care if I get another job or not. For my own health and sanity sake, I have plans to leave in the next couple of weeks. For now it’s just getting so hard to bite my tongue any longer without really losing my shit on this fucking asshole. Seriously, have never met anyone this insecure that lacks so much self-awareness of their behavior and actions. It’s just plain and embarrassing and I’m ready to go.

During the month of March, I had barely blogged at all. As mentioned in previous posts I’ve been extremely busy with work and I was really heads down in my work along with dealing my POS manager. It’s been bad on my end that I haven’t really kept in touch with friends, besides my parents which is an obligation. This is how much work has taken over my life and I’m at fault for not setting those boundaries. Things has gotten really hard for me at work and it’s just been a total nightmare, which is why I’ve partially shut a lot of people out. I just didn’t know how to deal with all of the chaos. Granted my workload has lightened up a bit, which has been a huge relief and that’s not what’s making work a bad place.

Primarily I have a huge issue with my POS manager. She’s made it very difficult for me to work with her, not just myself but for the rest of the team. She’s created a negative work environment, which has led me to work from home a lot more now. It’s just an overall really unhealthy work situation right now. Every time when I was coming into the office, I’d end up crying and the arguments with the POS increased. The POS has caused me a lot of emotional distress at work and I can’t handle it anymore. That’s why for my own sanity, I’ve forced myself to work from home more often and it doesn’t help that she sits right next to me either. No matter what I did, she would constantly hound me and give me a hard time, even though I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just minding my own business and doing my work. I’ve been open and honest with her like I’ve always been with the rest of my team, but reality is she’s the biggest Type-A, narcissistic, cunt that I’ve ever met and there is no way to rationale with her because once again she’s the biggest cunt that I’ve ever met in my life. I don’t use that word often, but she’s definitely earned that title now. Congrats girl!

My team has witnessed her being a POS to me and they don’t understand why she’s riding me so hard. Shit, I’ve been nothing but helpful and supportive of her and the reality is I don’t have to give a fuck, but I would hate to see this team fall a part because of her under qualified skills as a manager. Thankfully, my team has been very supportive of me during this stressful and rough time at work. When I had worked from home to get away from my manager, my colleagues were very kind to check up on me to see how I was feeling. I told them that I’m in a very fragile and emotional place right now where I just can’t come in as often as I used to be. I was starting to cry at home because I was that emotionally distressed. I absolutely hate crying in front of anyone or letting anyone see me being upset, but I’ve just been that sensitive. Two weeks ago I had an absolutely horrible day. I was very angry with her and was crying because that’s how frustrated I am because she’s constantly interfering with me getting my work done. I definitely lost my shit that day and I was really blunt with her during a one on one meeting with her. I straight up told her that I’m unhappy because she’s been discouraging and unsupportive due to her lack of respect and trust in me. Of course since she’s such a POS she just sat there staring at me like deer with headlights.

At that moment, it really made me realize I need to leave this job ASAP. Folks that I mentioned my situation to has been telling me to leave, but I’m that dedicated that I was fighting to stay. But now, I really don’t give a fuck anymore. I was very relieved that my trip was coming up that week. I really needed to get away from my manager, anything work related and to see a familiar face. I wanted to go home badly and I was very thankful that my close girlfriend, M who is like my sister came along with me to Seattle. A couple days before the trip, I had the chance to Facetime with M and I was balling my eyes out from that horrible day. I was looking forward to seeing her and to be in the comfort of her presence. During my trip I felt so relaxed and it was the first time ever in a VERY long time that I felt that relaxed. I didn’t think about work at all or the emotions that were attached to work. I had a great time with M and felt like my old happy self again. I haven’t felt like that in a long time and it made me realize that it’s truly time for me to move onto other prospective opportunities. I can’t continue to stay and deal with this bullshit. All I want to do is to collaborate with others and create kick ass design work. That’s all I want to do and I just don’t see that happening anymore at my current work place.

It’s sad that it’s taken me so long to realize it, but that’s how devoted I am to my work and my team. It saddens me to move on elsewhere since my team is filled with the most awesome people that I’ve ever met here in Cali so far. There’s so much that I can learn from them and it makes me upset that I have to leave just because of my bullshit manager. They’re the most intelligent, talented, hilarious and of course kindhearted people that I’ve met in Cali. I know they’re supportive with my choice to leave and I am grateful for their support as mentors to me and as friend. For now, it’s not easy to just up and leave this job since I got bills to pay, but I am currently working very hard to update my resume and portfolio this weekend so I can seriously get the fuck out. I pretty much came back from my trip with this “fuck this” attitude and I’m glad I came back that way. On Twitter, I follow a designer who posted something about “May1Reboot” and I was intrigued by the post and looked more into it. So pretty much May 1 is the deadline for designers (and non designers) to come together as a community to update their portfolio or whatever they want. It’s a time to really renew yourself and to come together. For me this was great motivation so I am aiming to get my shit together by May 1. Here’s the link if you want to check it out: http://www.may1reboot.com/

Apologies for the long post, but that’s what I’ve been up to.

I’ve been working every single day this past month. It’s safe to say that I’m pretty burnt out and very much sleep deprived. But with all the hard work that I’ve devoted to this project where I am the lead designer, I’m very proud of myself with its progress and the feedback I’ve received after today’s presentation. I’m currently working on the mobile design of the project and been trying to figure out some of the kinks. I look like a crazy person just doodling up so many paper prototypes because I needed to give my eyes a break from looking at my computer. As that midnight oil was burning last night cranking away at this project to have enough to present today, I had to force myself to go to bed.

Yet as I got into bed, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then it came to me that my colleague had shown me this app to view my mockup on my phone. After I downloaded it and connected my document to my phone, I was really happy with the design. As corny as it may sound I was so proud of the design that happy tears were ready to burst. To hold my phone and viewing my design on there felt so gratifying. There was just something about literally having that design in the palm of your hands make it feel so real. Corny, I know I know. Anyways, I was definitely able to fall asleep happily after viewing my prototype. I felt more confident about presenting the designs and I received more great feedback from the stakeholders and my team after today’s meetings. It made me feel relieved since I’ve been busting my ass all month long.

I’ll be flying to Chicago tomorrow to visit my close friend C and as a little belated birthday trip for myself. I was dreading the thought of having to do any work while I’m traveling since I’ve been working a lot this month. However, I am still going to pack my laptop with me just in case, but at least I know that I’m feeling a lot more relieved with today’s successful presentation. I’ve been in need of a break, time to myself to just not think about much and do whatever. Definitely looking forward to seeing C since I’ve failed to visit her ever since we both moved out of Boston and she’s visited me twice since I’ve been in Cali. I’m excited to catch up, chill, have girl time and eat bomb food. Although I am dreading about packing when I get home from work. Blahhh! I feel like I’ve kinda sorta forgotten how to dress for legit cold weather after living in Cali. I had to reschedule yesterday’s acupuncture appointment to tomorrow instead since I had so much to get done. Looking forward to acupuncture and massage before my flight tomorrow!

Can’t wait to get to Chicago. 🙂