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I’ve been at my current job for over a year and right now I’m facing a lot of challenges ever since my boss’ departure. One of the biggest things that’s bothered me the most is not meeting my team, who are all based in Colorado. It’s a bit pathetic that I have to beg and nagging is not my style. I had reached out to my current ‘boss’, who is my previous boss’ boss. I had sent him an email with a pretty reasonable request. Basically asked homeboy if I could visit my team for better collaboration since we get along so well in our chat channel and to lead by pushing the user experience even further in the next upcoming product release. It’s been almost a month since I’ve written that email and homeboy has not answered me. Once again this is not an outreach program. I’ve been beyond frustrated and it sucks, which has also led me to applying to jobs elsewhere. I don’t see the harm in applying while I’m still employed. However, I had a call with this start up and they seem VERY interested in me. Having a meeting with one of the execs via Google Hangout so that’ll be interesting.

Although I am at the door and with it cracked ever so slightly, I’m not afraid to leave if I have to. But I love my team and I’m embracing my current challenges in a positive way as much as possible. So in light of that, I booked my flight and hotel today to go to Colorado in the next upcoming weeks. I’ve had discussions with several folks on my team to hear their thoughts about me coming to visit and of course they want me to come, but I want to make this as productive as possible. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to get this expensed since I’ve personally funded this travel myself. Regardless, I’m making a huge investment not only for my team and my job, but for myself. I asked one of my colleagues what they think our current boss will think of me just booking my travel and showing up to the Colorado office. He told me he thinks he’ll be impressed with my determination. That made me feel good about my decision and pulling that trigger.

This evening I wrote a message to this woman that I had met at a design event. She’s incredibly smart and just all round awesome. I was very impressed with how she took the initiative and went to another country (with her own money) to get her user research work done. She returned with great results which saved the company lots of money and in return she was able to get this trip expensed. There’s somewhere in the story where she racked up a $20K bill, and the company paid for that. Lucky girl!! Anyways, I sent her a message telling her how inspiring she is with sharing that story with me along with providing helpful tips in how to tackle on this one project that I was doing. I thanked her for giving me that kick in the ass for me to do the same as her, except I don’t think I’ll go over $20K in expenses haha. I thanked her for being such an inspiring contributor in the design community. I never write shit like this to anyone, but I’m sure anyone would appreciate a nice message like that.

I’m currently in the works of writing an email to inform my boss of my decision. I can’t get in trouble for trying to do my job, so whatever. Plus I’ve never been to Colorado so it’ll be nice to visit even though I’m keeping it primarily business focused. I thought about extending my stay into the weekend, but that’ll be for another time. This trip will determine if I want to stay any longer at this company so we shall see. I’m really doing my best to take the lead as much as possible and I hope my work and efforts will make some kind of impact or get any kind of recognition. Shit, I better…

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I plan on being pretty heads down in my work this week as I’m preparing to lead a very important usability test. I’ve never had to do this and I just want to make sure that I don’t fuck it up. I just want to make sure that I ask important questions, take down the right notes and pretty over moderate the entire session correctly. I’m extremely stressed out and scared about how it will go. I’ve asked my old team who has much more skills in this department for some advice. I’ve noticed how lethargic I’ve gotten during the past couple of days and I’m trying to snap myself out of it. I’ve been extremely tired and sleepy and the thing is, I’m literally not doing much. At all. Pathetic, I know.

I’m trying to manage my stress better since I feel so much pressure from work. I went for an hour walk at the park after dinner to destress. I’m trying to stay focused and get it together before end of the week for when the session happens. I just really want to prove to people at work that I’m stepping it up and that I am good at my job. As a nice incentive, today I booked a hotel for this weekend. It’s the same hotel right on the water by the beach, which I’m really excited for. I definitely want to squeeze it some time in the sun before things start to get really hectic for me where I won’t be able to go as the summer is coming to an end.

As I’m working from home right now, I just found out that I will no longer have a cube at work. W-T-F?!?!?!@?@#%?#$^#$ Not fucking cool. I get it that I’m not in as often, but c’mon…really? WTF?!! Granted I work from home pretty often, but it’s still nice to have that option. Now if I ever want to go into the office, I get to use a stupid privacy room or an anchor desk. Seriously fuck that. If that’s the case I might as well stay my ass at home. This just really set me off and only encourages me to really update my portfolio this week and to start applying to other jobs. I didn’t sign up to be a full time remote employee. Absolute bullshit. Working remotely is a great perk, but it’s fucking 2017 for crying out loud. A LOT of companies let you do that so it’s not like it’s out of the ordinary. I just don’t feel valued and I feel really blindsided. I immediately emailed the director about this since he failed to tell me about this. Ugh! Apparently I have until September 7th to clear out my cube. Luckily I don’t have much there. I’m debating on taking my monitor at work with me. Guess I have to start really organizing my desk at home for this accommodation. Absolutely annoyed.

This is bullshit…

Earlier today I had messaged my boss when he’ll be coming into the office to get his stuff. He told me later in the evening, which made me think ‘I guess we’re not going to talk in person’. I had gone to the gym at work which is in a separate building but adjacent to my office building. While I was working out I spotted my boss driving in…and I also spotted him failing to get access into the building haha. I’m assuming HR cut off his badge access a bit early. He called me asking me to let him into the building. Unfortunately I left my badge at home in my work bag, but suggested he comes along for the ride since I don’t live too far from work.

As we made way to my place, we finally got to chatting about his departure, who will I be reporting to, how my new workload and responsibilities will be, and some personal conversations. I totally understand why he’s leaving and I don’t blame him at all. I’d definitely leave if I was in his position. He discussed a bit of the work that I’ll be taking on since I will be the sole designer. I told him how that idea stressed me out and of course being the awesome boss that he is, he gave me some words of reassurance. As mentioned in the my post from earlier today about being stressed out about work, hearing from the boss man himself and in person was just really comforting. As we both walked out of the office and made way to our cars, I thanked him for being a great boss and we hugged. I was honestly going to cry during the drive home but I didn’t. It’s a rarity at any job to have a great boss that’s very supportive, encouraging, and just overall awesome. For me to have this happen twice in my career is like seeing a shooting star. I got major big shoes to fill and a reputation to build at this company, and I’m slowly but surely ready to tackle this.

I’ve been pretty down about my boss leaving, work in general and my health. Last night I got together with a few people from my old team for drinks. I haven’t had a drink in quite some time but it was much needed. We got to catching up and throughout the whole time I felt more like myself again. I gave them all very big hugs and got on my way home. Once I got home I felt this relief because of how supportive and encouraging they are. I woke up this morning feeling motivated. I really wish we could all work together again. For now I got to figure my shit out.

I should try to stick it out another year at this job. I really don’t want to keep bouncing around and go through the job search and interview process again or for at least any time soon. Plus I love the stability and benefits of this job but I know other places can offer me even more. However, I had updated my resume last week and have a list of projects to add to my portfolio. Gonna design some updated business cards. I’m doing all of this in case I decide to jump off board this ship. I’ve also considered the idea of transferring to a different team or requesting a location transfer. Gonna have a talk with my boss about that before he goes.

I’ve browsed at jobs on LinkedIn and there’s some good stuff out there. I’m a bit hesitant to pull the trigger because as I mentioned I don’t want to be job hopping. I might reach out to a contact that I’ve through networking and friends for feedback on my portfolio. I just feel like my portfolio is alright and could be pushed further to its potential. I’ll spend some time browsing at other designer’s portfolios to see what I can improve on. Also side projects are important for me to include but that is literally another job in itself.

Overall, I know what I need to get done if I want to stay at this job or leave.

Recently while having dinner with my old colleague/friend a couple weeks ago, he mentioned how he quit his job at this healthcare startup. He talked about enjoying his time off and getting the chance to relax, do nothing and pretty much reenergize from that startup life. I was so envious as he spoke of this time off and started believing that’s what I need. I asked how he’s able to even do it and of course that one keyword: savings. Granted he’s 55 and married so having money saved up over the years along with a spouse’s income helps him to take advantage of the opportunity to do this.

With how discouraged I’ve been with work, maybe taking a break from work or this job in general will be a good idea…IF I WAS BALLIN’! I have my finances straight, debt gradually disappearing, and money saved, but I’m not going to waste my savings to shoot the shit. It’s the “adult” in me telling me to be responsible. Ugh. Anyways, this job is still relatively new since I haven’t been there for a full year yet. I’ve faced bad but also good challenges at this job and I am at a wonderful opportunity where I am the lead designer. This is my shining moment and that last project really fucked me up. I’m currently transitioning onto a new project and here’s my chance to move on and redeem myself.

I wish I could take sabbatical leave or just easily quit my job and figure out what I want out of this job. I think somewhere down the line I forgot about my goals and lost a bit of my confidence as a designer. With any job there will be struggles, but that project really destroyed me. I’ve dealt with difficult projects and clients in the past especially during the early stages in my career, but damn not like this. In the meantime, I’m diving back into the design community and taking advantage of the resources that’s out there to get me inspired and motivated again.

I haven’t had the chance to write a post since work was a shit show before I left, but here’s an update to what I’ve been up to…

My POS manager threw me a goodbye party that I kept saying no to, but the dumb bitch insisted. I honestly didn’t even want to go to my own party, but whatever. Kinda wish I stuck with my instincts on that one because the stupid bitch didn’t even make reservations to the place that our team likes going to AND they weren’t open. I was pissed and embarrassed. No surprise the dumb bitch would do this to me. Luckily there’s many bars close by since we were in the Mission in SF so finding a new spot didn’t take too long. It was a small group of us and even my old boss showed up because the POS invited him. I really didn’t want him to know, but it was good to see him.

Although I wasn’t so thrilled to see the POS. Stupid bitch showed up 2 hours later and no apologies. I was really pissed when I saw her and honestly wanted to smack the shit out of her for doing this. Instead I gave her a dirty look when she got there and I ignored her all night. She hardly spoke to me and I realized she invited my old boss and another previous colleague to the party so she could have someone to talk to. Nonetheless, everyone had a good time as well as I did but seriously what a fucking bitch…

The next day I came into the office to meet with the POS’ manager to share with her my long list of the bullshit that I’ve been dealing with since February. I was already getting choked up coming from a previous meeting and chatting with a colleague. So the moment I met with POS’ manager and closed the door, the water works kicked in. I was very hurt to have to talk about the shit that I’ve had to deal with and didn’t want to be reminded of it all. Her manager was taken back by my list and had no idea all of this was going on. I told her how I was forced out of the company because of the POS and I’ve wanted to just do my job without having any conflict. I sat in there conference room with her talking about the situation and crying for 2 hours straight. I was just so exhausted and wanted to just go home. Her manager hated how I’ll be leaving the company on these terms and plans on talking to POS.

I addressed the key points about POS’ but my biggest concern was the state of the team and how I feel like POS is damaging the team with her own agenda. I told her how I wouldn’t have given my 2 weeks to POS, but I mainly did it for the sake of my team since we’re lacking resources. I told her about how protective and supportive I’ve been towards this team especially since POS can’t even pull her own weight and ‘manage’ properly. Her manager appreciated hearing that from me and told me to not let POS win. It was nice to hear that from her. After our meeting, I emailed her manager my “list” of the dumb shit the stupid bitch has been doing to me…EVERY WEEK. I really hope this asshole gets fired. No one ever deserves to be treated like that. I’m glad the POS’ manager was very understanding and empathetic. She even told me she doesn’t feel like with our conversation that I was badmouthing the POS. I also learned from her that the POS isn’t even thrilled about having to report to her and that they’ve been butting heads. Her manager is nice but is a total hard ass and won’t take no one’s shit even if it’s coming from POS. Sucks to be her…

After speaking with her manager, I went back to my desk to do a little bit of work to wait for the traffic to die down before I head home. As I sat there trying to get myself together, my mom called me and when I picked up she asked if I was okay. She knew I was going to speak with the POS’ manager, but had no clue what time or anything. Talk about motherly instincts. It was comforting and sweet of my mom to call and check on me. I felt relieved and when I had gotten home I treated myself to a simple pho dinner. I just wanted to be comforted in that moment and pho and a long shower did the trick.

My last day was June 24. It was my first time ever coming in on a Friday and it was a total ghost town since most work from home on Fridays. I mainly came into the office because: 1) I was looking for my PS2 Capcom Classics video game, 2) helped my work mom with her portfolio, 3) shoot the shit around the office and to have homemade ice cream made by my work mom and lastly 4) I needed to give back my laptop. It was a very bittersweet day and of course my day wouldn’t be complete without the POS giving me a hard time on my last day. Before I left, my work mom and a couple colleagues that were in the office came by our area to eat some ice cream and hang out. It was nice and I appreciated how supportive and encouraging they were towards me. I know that day my work mom was sad that I’m leaving, so since she had treated me out to lunch I treated her to a manicure and pedicure at this salon across the street. It was the least that I could do since she’s been so supportive of me.

Driving home from SF made me feel sad. I thought about how weird and sad it is that I won’t be working with this team anymore. I’ve met a lot of great people at this company and gained great friends along the way. I remember when I sent out my goodbye email and received such sweet replies minus one with a colleague of mines being the first to respond and calling me a ‘quitter’ haha. I was surprised to people’s reaction with me leaving and I appreciated their kindness. It pains me that I can’t be surrounded by them anymore. Yeah, we’ll keep in touch but I really wished I could’ve stayed. As much as I wanted to stay, they’re happy for my new adventure and just happy to see me happy again. One person on my team asked me on my last day if I feel relieved and to a degree I did, but I felt so numb to everything.

I haven’t cried about leaving up until now. I should be more excited about my new job and maybe once the dust settles there I will be, but for now I’m a little upset and scared. I’ll get over it, but the sadness is kicking in and I just feel so hurt. I’m not crying because of the POS, but because I care so deeply about my work and my team. I was so dedicated to it all and it hurts a lot to not be a part of that journey anymore…