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As I’m working from home right now, I just found out that I will no longer have a cube at work. W-T-F?!?!?!@?@#%?#$^#$ Not fucking cool. I get it that I’m not in as often, but c’mon…really? WTF?!! Granted I work from home pretty often, but it’s still nice to have that option. Now if I ever want to go into the office, I get to use a stupid privacy room or an anchor desk. Seriously fuck that. If that’s the case I might as well stay my ass at home. This just really set me off and only encourages me to really update my portfolio this week and to start applying to other jobs. I didn’t sign up to be a full time remote employee. Absolute bullshit. Working remotely is a great perk, but it’s fucking 2017 for crying out loud. A LOT of companies let you do that so it’s not like it’s out of the ordinary. I just don’t feel valued and I feel really blindsided. I immediately emailed the director about this since he failed to tell me about this. Ugh! Apparently I have until September 7th to clear out my cube. Luckily I don’t have much there. I’m debating on taking my monitor at work with me. Guess I have to start really organizing my desk at home for this accommodation. Absolutely annoyed.

This is bullshit…

Earlier today I had messaged my boss when he’ll be coming into the office to get his stuff. He told me later in the evening, which made me think ‘I guess we’re not going to talk in person’. I had gone to the gym at work which is in a separate building but adjacent to my office building. While I was working out I spotted my boss driving in…and I also spotted him failing to get access into the building haha. I’m assuming HR cut off his badge access a bit early. He called me asking me to let him into the building. Unfortunately I left my badge at home in my work bag, but suggested he comes along for the ride since I don’t live too far from work.

As we made way to my place, we finally got to chatting about his departure, who will I be reporting to, how my new workload and responsibilities will be, and some personal conversations. I totally understand why he’s leaving and I don’t blame him at all. I’d definitely leave if I was in his position. He discussed a bit of the work that I’ll be taking on since I will be the sole designer. I told him how that idea stressed me out and of course being the awesome boss that he is, he gave me some words of reassurance. As mentioned in the my post from earlier today about being stressed out about work, hearing from the boss man himself and in person was just really comforting. As we both walked out of the office and made way to our cars, I thanked him for being a great boss and we hugged. I was honestly going to cry during the drive home but I didn’t. It’s a rarity at any job to have a great boss that’s very supportive, encouraging, and just overall awesome. For me to have this happen twice in my career is like seeing a shooting star. I got major big shoes to fill and a reputation to build at this company, and I’m slowly but surely ready to tackle this.

I’ve been pretty down about my boss leaving, work in general and my health. Last night I got together with a few people from my old team for drinks. I haven’t had a drink in quite some time but it was much needed. We got to catching up and throughout the whole time I felt more like myself again. I gave them all very big hugs and got on my way home. Once I got home I felt this relief because of how supportive and encouraging they are. I woke up this morning feeling motivated. I really wish we could all work together again. For now I got to figure my shit out.

I should try to stick it out another year at this job. I really don’t want to keep bouncing around and go through the job search and interview process again or for at least any time soon. Plus I love the stability and benefits of this job but I know other places can offer me even more. However, I had updated my resume last week and have a list of projects to add to my portfolio. Gonna design some updated business cards. I’m doing all of this in case I decide to jump off board this ship. I’ve also considered the idea of transferring to a different team or requesting a location transfer. Gonna have a talk with my boss about that before he goes.

I’ve browsed at jobs on LinkedIn and there’s some good stuff out there. I’m a bit hesitant to pull the trigger because as I mentioned I don’t want to be job hopping. I might reach out to a contact that I’ve through networking and friends for feedback on my portfolio. I just feel like my portfolio is alright and could be pushed further to its potential. I’ll spend some time browsing at other designer’s portfolios to see what I can improve on. Also side projects are important for me to include but that is literally another job in itself.

Overall, I know what I need to get done if I want to stay at this job or leave.

Recently while having dinner with my old colleague/friend a couple weeks ago, he mentioned how he quit his job at this healthcare startup. He talked about enjoying his time off and getting the chance to relax, do nothing and pretty much reenergize from that startup life. I was so envious as he spoke of this time off and started believing that’s what I need. I asked how he’s able to even do it and of course that one keyword: savings. Granted he’s 55 and married so having money saved up over the years along with a spouse’s income helps him to take advantage of the opportunity to do this.

With how discouraged I’ve been with work, maybe taking a break from work or this job in general will be a good idea…IF I WAS BALLIN’! I have my finances straight, debt gradually disappearing, and money saved, but I’m not going to waste my savings to shoot the shit. It’s the “adult” in me telling me to be responsible. Ugh. Anyways, this job is still relatively new since I haven’t been there for a full year yet. I’ve faced bad but also good challenges at this job and I am at a wonderful opportunity where I am the lead designer. This is my shining moment and that last project really fucked me up. I’m currently transitioning onto a new project and here’s my chance to move on and redeem myself.

I wish I could take sabbatical leave or just easily quit my job and figure out what I want out of this job. I think somewhere down the line I forgot about my goals and lost a bit of my confidence as a designer. With any job there will be struggles, but that project really destroyed me. I’ve dealt with difficult projects and clients in the past especially during the early stages in my career, but damn not like this. In the meantime, I’m diving back into the design community and taking advantage of the resources that’s out there to get me inspired and motivated again.

I haven’t had the chance to write a post since work was a shit show before I left, but here’s an update to what I’ve been up to…

My POS manager threw me a goodbye party that I kept saying no to, but the dumb bitch insisted. I honestly didn’t even want to go to my own party, but whatever. Kinda wish I stuck with my instincts on that one because the stupid bitch didn’t even make reservations to the place that our team likes going to AND they weren’t open. I was pissed and embarrassed. No surprise the dumb bitch would do this to me. Luckily there’s many bars close by since we were in the Mission in SF so finding a new spot didn’t take too long. It was a small group of us and even my old boss showed up because the POS invited him. I really didn’t want him to know, but it was good to see him.

Although I wasn’t so thrilled to see the POS. Stupid bitch showed up 2 hours later and no apologies. I was really pissed when I saw her and honestly wanted to smack the shit out of her for doing this. Instead I gave her a dirty look when she got there and I ignored her all night. She hardly spoke to me and I realized she invited my old boss and another previous colleague to the party so she could have someone to talk to. Nonetheless, everyone had a good time as well as I did but seriously what a fucking bitch…

The next day I came into the office to meet with the POS’ manager to share with her my long list of the bullshit that I’ve been dealing with since February. I was already getting choked up coming from a previous meeting and chatting with a colleague. So the moment I met with POS’ manager and closed the door, the water works kicked in. I was very hurt to have to talk about the shit that I’ve had to deal with and didn’t want to be reminded of it all. Her manager was taken back by my list and had no idea all of this was going on. I told her how I was forced out of the company because of the POS and I’ve wanted to just do my job without having any conflict. I sat in there conference room with her talking about the situation and crying for 2 hours straight. I was just so exhausted and wanted to just go home. Her manager hated how I’ll be leaving the company on these terms and plans on talking to POS.

I addressed the key points about POS’ but my biggest concern was the state of the team and how I feel like POS is damaging the team with her own agenda. I told her how I wouldn’t have given my 2 weeks to POS, but I mainly did it for the sake of my team since we’re lacking resources. I told her about how protective and supportive I’ve been towards this team especially since POS can’t even pull her own weight and ‘manage’ properly. Her manager appreciated hearing that from me and told me to not let POS win. It was nice to hear that from her. After our meeting, I emailed her manager my “list” of the dumb shit the stupid bitch has been doing to me…EVERY WEEK. I really hope this asshole gets fired. No one ever deserves to be treated like that. I’m glad the POS’ manager was very understanding and empathetic. She even told me she doesn’t feel like with our conversation that I was badmouthing the POS. I also learned from her that the POS isn’t even thrilled about having to report to her and that they’ve been butting heads. Her manager is nice but is a total hard ass and won’t take no one’s shit even if it’s coming from POS. Sucks to be her…

After speaking with her manager, I went back to my desk to do a little bit of work to wait for the traffic to die down before I head home. As I sat there trying to get myself together, my mom called me and when I picked up she asked if I was okay. She knew I was going to speak with the POS’ manager, but had no clue what time or anything. Talk about motherly instincts. It was comforting and sweet of my mom to call and check on me. I felt relieved and when I had gotten home I treated myself to a simple pho dinner. I just wanted to be comforted in that moment and pho and a long shower did the trick.

My last day was June 24. It was my first time ever coming in on a Friday and it was a total ghost town since most work from home on Fridays. I mainly came into the office because: 1) I was looking for my PS2 Capcom Classics video game, 2) helped my work mom with her portfolio, 3) shoot the shit around the office and to have homemade ice cream made by my work mom and lastly 4) I needed to give back my laptop. It was a very bittersweet day and of course my day wouldn’t be complete without the POS giving me a hard time on my last day. Before I left, my work mom and a couple colleagues that were in the office came by our area to eat some ice cream and hang out. It was nice and I appreciated how supportive and encouraging they were towards me. I know that day my work mom was sad that I’m leaving, so since she had treated me out to lunch I treated her to a manicure and pedicure at this salon across the street. It was the least that I could do since she’s been so supportive of me.

Driving home from SF made me feel sad. I thought about how weird and sad it is that I won’t be working with this team anymore. I’ve met a lot of great people at this company and gained great friends along the way. I remember when I sent out my goodbye email and received such sweet replies minus one with a colleague of mines being the first to respond and calling me a ‘quitter’ haha. I was surprised to people’s reaction with me leaving and I appreciated their kindness. It pains me that I can’t be surrounded by them anymore. Yeah, we’ll keep in touch but I really wished I could’ve stayed. As much as I wanted to stay, they’re happy for my new adventure and just happy to see me happy again. One person on my team asked me on my last day if I feel relieved and to a degree I did, but I felt so numb to everything.

I haven’t cried about leaving up until now. I should be more excited about my new job and maybe once the dust settles there I will be, but for now I’m a little upset and scared. I’ll get over it, but the sadness is kicking in and I just feel so hurt. I’m not crying because of the POS, but because I care so deeply about my work and my team. I was so dedicated to it all and it hurts a lot to not be a part of that journey anymore…

As happy as I am about my new job, I thought I’d feel a bit more relieved after giving my POS manager my 2 week notice. Well, not really. It didn’t really hit me until I sent out my goodbye email to my colleagues this evening. I felt a little sad, but I was still okay…until people started replying to the email. As I was going about the rest of my evening, the replies kept on coming and I just lost it when I got home. The replies that I was getting were quite unexpected for me seeing people’s reactions to my departure. I found myself crying with face into the palm. I feel really heartbroken about leaving. I wish I could bring all of my colleagues with me. They’re all just really good people.

I’ll get over this. For now, it just really hurts and I’m very sad about all of this.

My sleeping problems over the past 2 weeks has gotten worst. I was able to sleep early at like 10pm, but now I can’t fall asleep until 3am. It honestly sucks. I am one of those people that can be constantly looking at their calendars on their phone. While I make sure I’m attending meetings on time, penciling in time for friends or attending design/techie events, I’ve been in denial about the remainder of my time at my current job. When I looked at my calendar yesterday and seeing June 1, my heart kinda sank. I pretty much have until the end of this month. Granted I’ve been lucky to have interviewed so quickly and with so many potential employers, I should be happy that I’ve been able to have these conversations and people are interested in me. There’s something better out there for me as well as for the rest of my team. Yet I find myself to be so heartbroken by what’s been going on at work. I’ve grown overly attached to my team during my 2 years. They’ve become great friends to me and it truly pains me to see my team unhappy.

Last Wednesday was the ultimate shit show. It’s one thing that my POS manager treats me like shit, but to see her doing it to someone else on my team makes me really angry and upset. I find it all so disturbing as to how she went about firing/laying off my colleague/friend that I’ve worked very close with since day 1 when I joined the team. Not only has he been great to work with and is extremely talented, but I gained an awesome friend and mentor throughout my time there. The POS didn’t even have a legitimate reason to let the guy go and handled the situation in such a sloppy manner. I thought the things that she had done to me was pretty low, but I guess not. When POS and I had a discussion later the day last week, she asked how I felt. I straight up told her if she was really a manager she would have a bit more integrity in handling things and not be so damn petty. Honestly, shame on her.

Last week I started clearing out my desk. I started with taking home my collection of design books. Yesterday I took the rest of my things like my mug, some tea, umbrella, some postcards I decorated my desk with, etc. I guess at that point clearing all of that off you can tell I was really not coming back. I felt really sad looking at that bare desk and all the hours I’ve spent there working and collaborating with my team. Not only does it pain me that I won’t be moving forward with this team, but to see/know that they’re all kinda stuck. Yeah, they can quit and leave but it’s not that easy. I spoke with my work mom yesterday and while we got pedicures after work for her birthday, I told her how heartbroken I’ve been with the circumstances. Our team has grown together and been through a lot. We’ve all been very supportive towards each other and it makes me really sad to not have that anymore. I know we’ll all be in touch but it makes me really unhappy that I won’t be working with this talented crew. It fucking sucks.

It’s been hard for me to focus on my work since I’m very unmotivated right now with the shit show that’s been going on. Professionally, I’m having a very hard time with things. It doesn’t help with the email that POS sent to me this afternoon in regards to me clearing out my desk. She wanted to check in with me and would like me to give a 2 week notice. Um, how about no and fuck you? Also, she wanted to know how and when to announce to my team about me leaving. Um, you dumb bitch…they already know. I simply told her that she can do whatever she wants with that news and I don’t care if we do something or not for me. I told her my biggest concern right now that with all of the chaos happening with our team as well as the organization, I’d like the team to continue staying focused on the work and to continuing delivering kick ass design work. I don’t want to contribute to the distractions that’s been going on at work. Reading her email and having to respond to it made me really upset. I found myself sitting at my desk at home, crying hysterically into my palms. I’m unhappy that my hard work isn’t acknowledged and I can’t move forward with this team anymore. It’s really disappointing to see what damage the POS has done to the team.

As much as this all hurts, I know I will move onto bigger and better things. I can only continue to hope for happier days not only for myself, but for the rest of my team as well…