Let It Go

James BayLet It Go

I heard this song for the first time some time last week during my commute to work. I generally rely on Spotify for my music needs, but the one time I turned on the radio in my car for once a song I like. I’ve been listening to this song on repeat a lot. For whatever reason I find this song a bit oddly comforting. I really like this guy’s voice and the way the guitar is played in this song. I could probably listen to the instrumental to this song all day and do without the lyrics since that’s the part where it makes me sad.

I didn’t think too much into the song after listening to it over and over again. After having those lyrics repeated over and over again in your mind, it kinda got to me and something clicked. I got kinda sad for a brief moment just suddenly thinking about PC. I haven’t thought about him in quite some time nor have we spoken in a very long time. Thinking back to how things once were between him and I, I miss the sweetness of it all and that’s what made me sad. I wondered what could’ve happened if things did ever work out. Would anything have ever been resolved between us? A bit of my upcoming trip added onto the feelings. For that very brief minute, I wished I could see him during my visit. But the reality is, I have no plans to ever get in touch with him, but I do hope all is well on his end.

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This Time

 

John Legend – This Time

Ran into you yesterday
Memories rushed through my brain
it started to hit me
now you’re not with me
I realized I made a mistake
I thought I needed some space
But I just let love go to waste
It’s so crystal clear now
that I need your here now
I gotta get you back today

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be your man
I can be all you need
This time it’s all of me.

I hit the bar everynight
Looking to score a good time
It’s not like I planned it
I’m left empty handed
‘Cause im still alone in my mind
Now what will it take to feel right
Can I come see you tonight?
Is there someone new now?
What can I do now?
‘Cause I need you back by my side.

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be your man
I can be all you need
This time its all in me.

Last time I wasn’t sure
This time I will give you more
I’m more mature
I’ll show you
Last time I didn’t know
I messed up and let you go
I need you
don’t say no.

Lying alone in this room
All that is missing is you
pick up the phone
Won’t you come home?

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be your man
I can be all you need
This time it’s all of me.


Tonight I just need to get it all out of my system and to sleep it off. I know this feeling won’t disappear overnight or anytime soon, but tomorrow is my birthday. I just want to have a good day tomorrow and to be happy.

Good night.

Pointless

Ever have those days where you feel slightly optimistic that you’re day goes well and some parts of it does until that one thing. That one thing that can mean so little to someone else but it can mean the biggest thing to you. Yup, that’s happening to me right now. I feel as if I’ve been hit by a bus or got a huge slap in the face. It sucks. You think when you’ve shielded yourself from the worst, well you clearly thought wrong. I just feel my heart being broken into so many pieces. This is only adding onto what I’ve been feeling.

I thought for the most part I’ve forgotten about you, but it seems as though you’ve beat me to it. I shouldn’t be surprised about that. I’m just hurting over here so badly. All I ever wanted was you and for things to work out. I wanted a lot of things from you that I will never get because of your ways.

Clearly I still care but at this point what’s the use?

Parental Pressures

As you get older you definitely try your best to please your parents. Maintaining good grades, attending and graduating college, getting your first adult job, etc. Any parent enjoys seeing their child doing well and being successful. Over the years there’s been a lot of pressure from my parents. It caused so much stress in my life that I’d often break down because there was just so much weight on my shoulders and a lot of expectations to fulfill. I’ve done my best to be the daughter that I can be since I am their only daughter and baby girl. I’ve always worked hard and they see how passionate and ambitious I am. I appreciate that a lot and they respect me for what I do. As happy as I can try to make them be, they have their moments where they are unsatisfied with me. I’m sure every parent is like that with their child. I try to make sure I’ve covered every aspect in my life to make them happy. Unfortunately I have one that’s still remains unchecked: my love life.

I was chatting with my mom on the phone tonight that has left me feeling unhappy and a bit pressured after our call ended. I usually avoid talking to her because I know I’ll either get mad or upset depending on the topic of discussion. Don’t get me wrong, we do have conversations where we joke around and talk about things. I love her and all, but there’s just certain topics that I avoid with my parents and that would mainly be about my love life. I’m generally very private about it. I’ve always been discreet about the guys I’ve dated, even when I was younger. I just don’t like so much attention being drawn on me especially being with a significant other. Plus, it’s been awhile since I’ve had a serious relationship, but even then I never brought that guy around. I want to make a great impression for my parents. I want them to like the guy as much as I do or close enough. That’s why they’ve never seen me bring a guy around or mention anything because to me I always felt they weren’t up to par for them.

While chatting with my mom she expressed her and my dad’s concern about my love life. They want me to have a boyfriend and to get married. These are reasonable and expected things for any parent to bring up to their child when they’re older. I understand where she’s coming from with having this “talk” with me. Her main thing is that she doesn’t want me to end up being lonely for the rest of my life. She wants me to reassure her that even if I do have a boyfriend, that he’s a good man. That nearly brought me to tears when she said that. I got choked up as I tried to respond by trying to lighten up the mood with some jokes. I joked around saying a boyfriend doesn’t pay for my bills and how happy I was with the way things are happening in my career, which is true. I also mentioned how most of the things in my life are in its place and that doesn’t mean I need to have a boyfriend to complete that “list”. False. My life is coming together and as I’ve gradually gotten successful out here, it does get lonely to not be able to share any of my happiness or experiences here with someone. The loneliness kicks into overdrive when everything around me is good, except my love life.

It’s not like I can’t get a boyfriend. I have a lot to offer any guy and I’m not being cocky about it. I’m confident in what I can offer to my significant other because I have the facts to back it all up. I just haven’t met anyone that has really caught my eye awhile. I’m pretty selective when it comes to guys. The last guy that did create any sparks for me was PC. I don’t know why, but for whatever reason I always never felt embarrassed or nervous if I was to ever introduce him to my parents. Weird, I know. He was probably one of the few guys that I’ve ever mentioned my parents to. I guess that’s how much potential I saw in him and still do. There was something really special about him that I couldn’t ever pinpoint but everything felt right and I still stand firmly by saying that. I couldn’t ever imagine bringing any of the past guys I’ve dated. I already know how my parents would’ve reacted to those guys and it would’ve just been all bad. They are right that I should have a boyfriend to take care of me and whatnot, but a part of me isn’t ready. I just hate having this talk and feeling lonelier than I do already. I’m envious of my friends that are in very genuine and sincere relationships. To see how sweet it is between a couple you crave for that kind of relationship more than anything. I think to myself that my friend is just the luckiest person in the world to have that and I’m really happy for them. Timing is everything and perhaps right now isn’t the right time for me to be in a relationship or maybe it’s the best time. Who knows? I just believe that things will naturally work itself out when the time comes and to not force it. I hope one day I can have the same as my friends so my parents won’t have to worry about me being lonely and growing old by myself. It just doesn’t get any easier to please my parents as I’ve gotten older.

That Woman

Baek Ji Young – That Woman (Secret Garden OST)

One woman loves you
That woman loves you wholeheartedly
She follows you around like a shadow everyday
That woman is laughing and crying
 
How much… just how much more?
Do I have to gaze at you like this? alone…
This love that came like the wind
This love that is like a beggar
If I continue this way will you love me? OH~
 
Just a little nearer, come~ a little more~
If I take one step closer to you
You take two steps away
I who love you am still now next to you
That woman is crying
 
That woman’s personality is very timid
Therefore she learned how to smile
What she cannot say so much even to her best friend…
That woman’s heart which is full of tears
So that woman…
When she is loving you the same way
Yet another fool.. yet another fool
Can’t you just hug me before you go? OH~
I want to receive love
Day by day in my heart, only in my heart…
Just like this calling to you.. that woman today also
Is by your side. OH~~
 
That woman is me, do you know?
It’s not that you know it but still act this, no?
You must have not known
Because you´re a big fool~
How much… just how much more?
Do I have to gaze at you like this? alone…
This love that came like the wind
This love that is like a beggar
If I continue this way will you love me? OH~
Just a little nearer, come~ a little more~
If I take one step closer to you
You take two steps away
I who love you am still now next to you
That woman is crying

Unanswered

All I’ve ever wanted was an answer. Is that too much to ask for? I’m tired of being the maintenance person trying to tend to every repair needed and to make things better. I’ve tried every possible solution to make this better, but I end up pushing him away and things get worst with the silence on his end. All he had to do was to say something. Anything!! He could’ve said all the wrong things and apologize for it later. It still would’ve been an answer. I’m not mad. I’m frustrated and confused. Why do you have to do this to me? Whenever I think about the question “did I drive you away?” it reminds me of the Coldplay song called “Sparks” because that’s a lingering question that remains unanswered. Why do I have to be pushed to the side lines? It just shows he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Does all of this craziness have to happen for things to fix itself?

It saddens me and breaks my heart to tell him to forget about me. Slowly typing each word broke my heart bit by bit. I wanted to cry after I hit “Send”. I don’t ever want that but maybe that’s the answer and solution to all of this. I was always scared to know that I wasn’t ever in his thoughts or that he forgot about me, but maybe it has to be this way. I honestly wish we were strangers and met for the first time again. Maybe things could’ve turned out differently and maybe better than what things are now. I hate where we currently stand. I hate feeling this way. I hate crying. I wish he was here to hold me and to just tell me all the answers that I’ve wanted to hear. But that’ll never happen.

I miss everything about him yet oddly enough I feel like a part of me doesn’t know who he is anymore. Maybe the feeling is mutual on his end. I don’t know because there’s never an answer. No matter what I still want to stay and be there for him so we can fix it all together. But I accepted my role and it’s nowhere for me to be in his life as much as I want to be there. It really upsets me to have to think that way. All I want to do is to make him happy, I want to make him laugh when he’s mad, I want to add more little things to the shoe box of my letters that he has, I want him to be here so we can enjoy the view at Sierra Point, I want him to tell me he cares, misses me and needs me. The list can go on and on. I miss it all and wish I can have him back again.

I’m just extremely saddened to be at this point of unanswered questions or anything. I really wish it wasn’t like this but all he had to do was to speak up. I sit here in tears constantly asking myself what went wrong and why can’t we fix this already? I just want to be happy with him but reality is he’s already hopefully happy and okay without me. I wished things between us were a lot better because I would’ve enjoyed spending all the time we have together if he was here. I still remember and miss how sweet everything was when we first talked.

There’s a lot of wishful thinking in mind.

Heartbreaker

MSTRKRFT feat. John LegendHeartbreaker

Remember when I caught your eye
you gave me rainbows and butterflies
we did enjoy our happiness
when our love was over
I was such a mess

I smiled at you
and you smiled back
that’s when I knew
there’s no turning back
you said you loved me
and I did too
now though it’s over
I still love you

you’re in my mind
you’re in my heart
I wish I knew right from the start
all my friends said you break my heart
A heartbreaker right from the start

I tried to fight it
I tried so hard
and every day
I pray to god
that you and me were meant to be
but you had another
you had a lover

And now is gone
I don’t know why
I feel like crying
just want to die
I can’t look at you
and you know why
no, I tried so hard
to catch your eye

you’re in my mind
you’re in my heart
I wish I knew right from the start
all my friends said you break my heart
A heartbreaker right from the start

you’re in my mind
you’re in my heart
I wish I knew right from the start
all my friends said you break my heart
A heartbreaker right from the start