Flawed

They say it’s best to never go to bed upset and whoever said that is right. I can’t sleep due to feeling so down. Yesterday I had a pretty great day. It was fun and it was nice to go out like that since I’m such a huge homebody now. I was having a great time until my friends (husband and wife) and I went out for drinks. This is where it goes really downhill…

My friend’s husband is such a nice guy. Really great guy and has good intentions. While we were sitting down enjoying our drinks and chatting, he says to me “I have a question for you…”. He asked away and then followed up with “okay I have a second question…”. My friend (his wife) told him no more questions but if you’re telling me you have another question you might as well tell me. He asked me what type of guy am I into and questions in regards of my dating life. I was really surprised and kinda taken back by him asking me this because it’s not like I’ve ever said anything about setting me up with someone that they know or anything. We discuss a bit about this and this is where it really goes downhill. Like real fucking down…

I got super choked up and started tearing up as I tried to gather my words out. I simply said, “you know with so many past failed relationships and bad luck with dating, I’ve come to terms that I’m such a flawed person and that I’m meant to be alone. I know I am a good person but I’m just not meant to be with anyone and that’s something that I’m learning to accept.” I almost started crying pretty bad after saying all of that. Even typing out that makes me really teary eyed again. My friend smacked her husband’s arm and called him an asshole. It wasn’t his fault nor his intention to make me cry. It’s something that I’ve come to terms with and honestly it’s probably the most sad shit I’ve ever said especially out loud. Who wouldn’t feel bad to hear anyone say that? I’d feel awful if I heard any of my friends speaking like that. After that I reassured him that it wasn’t his fault and that it hurts to say something like that about yourself. During the drive home, I cried all the way home. I felt my heart breaking into so many pieces. Since coming home I’m just a mess.

It is what it is. Clearly it’s something that I’m still working on accepting. I don’t deserve anyone’s love except for the love from my family and friends. I’m glad my friends have found their significant others but it’s just not in the cards for me. “Meant to be” no longer means anything to me. I’ve lost a lot of hope due to past failed relationships and meeting shitty guys. I truly don’t believe in a good man (for me that is). I don’t believe that the right time will come. I don’t believe I’m meant to be loved unconditionally. I know all of this is so negative but it is the truth. I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad for me nor am I expecting words of encouragement. As much as I want to believe and to be hopeful, I’m just not. I was once a hopeless romantic and it’s just not there anymore. That’s probably the part that makes me the most sad.

I am a strong and independent woman but even the strongest person has their vulnerabilities and this is it. I just want to get some sleep and wish this sadness went away quickly. I hate feeling this way.

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Hope and Defeat

Work has been a bit overwhelming lately. I have a million things running through my mind in what I’d like to accomplish to help my team, my manager and myself succeed. With working for a large organization comes with the fun ol’ game of politics. There’s no way for my manager to shield my team from it. The man can only do so much and at times I have to step up to the plate and handle that shit myself. It’s beyond exhausting dealing with that. There are many times where I think about quitting, but what’s really kept me at this job is my team. It doesn’t matter how good the salary or the benefits are. If I come across a team where we have a strong relationship and can work cohesively together, I’m going to ride it out and stick around. I tend to be the voice of reason for my team, the one that encourages positivity amongst each other, etc. Once again, it gets exhausting. I truly do have strong hope that the future of this team will exceed its own expectations. Right now, we’re in the midst of chaos and it really sucks.

Last Friday I had lunch with this director and 2 other designers that’s on his team. We’ve recently exchanged messages via LinkedIn and randomly started chatting about photography. Mind you this guy comes off as a total asshole on the phone. I was hoping meeting in person would change my perception of him. Nope. He truly is an asshole. He had scheduled a lunch for me to meet him and the other 2 people. I showed up to my old office and they were waiting for me in the lobby. I had really low expectations, but from the get go I knew I wanted this lunch date to end…and we weren’t even in the car to the restaurant yet. I’d like to think that I have a generally good sense for people. It’s a rarity for me to dislike someone when we first meet and if I feel like that, that’s a big red flag to me. I really faked it throughout that car ride and lunch. Ugh.

When we got to his car (a BMW), I immediately thought “you’re a tool…”. His license plate is customized and it says “FASTRBMW”. Cringes…He drove like a maniac. During the car ride, this dude was talking MAD shit about some of my colleagues. He spoke of them in a very disgusting way and it was just so harsh. It was so painful to even listen to someone speak like that in general yet alone about someone else. I spoke up at certain points since I strongly disagreed with him about practically everything. We went to this yummy Thai restaurant. I was texting my colleague from my team about what was going on. He told me to order the most expensive thing on the menu lol, which was hard to do because of the cheap lunch specials haha. Generally when you meet people that you just met, you ask each other questions. Nope. Them mofos didn’t care for me but I still generated any kind of conversation with them just to be polite. Finally lunch was over and we headed back to the office. The car ride back was awkwardly quiet. I couldn’t fake it anymore and didn’t bother making any further conversation with them because I just didn’t give a fuck anymore. Once we got back to the office, I shook their hands and thanked them for the lunch and I immediately walked over to my car.

I got on the phone right away with my colleague and filled him in on the details. It was an hour long phone call ranting about this mess and could’ve gone on longer. I am essentially the only person from my team to have met this guy and it’s a big deal because this doofus is suppose to be the one calling the shots on a lot of things. I was hoping to a degree he would prove me wrong, but nope. It was literally like eating dinner with Darth Vader. It was pretty bad. Prior to meeting my team in person, I thought they were pretty nice and cool. That translated in person which was great. But damn…this guy was such an asshole and had no remorse. I realized he’s super insecure with himself with behaving like that. Also, I feel like many execs are condoning this poor behavior. It’s sad.

With that said, I felt so disheartened by having to share all the details with my colleague who is working close with this guy. I really wanted to tell him “hey he’s not that bad after all”, but this fool couldn’t prove me wrong at all. I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he was literally like a super villain. I ended the call with telling my colleague that despite this lame lunch with this guy, I still have hope for our team to do well and to not let this fool ruin things for us. I really wanted to make things better for this entire team and it’s hard on me. It’s hard to be the one that’s so hopeful all the time that I’m running low on hope. I think I’m overworked and overwhelmed with the challenges that I’m about to face. I don’t want that to deter my manager, my team and myself from making changes in this organization. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been watching too many Marvel related shows and movies that encourages this hope that I have and maybe it’s true. At the end of the day I just want to defeat the bad guys and let my team win. It’s hard to be strong for everyone and I’m seeing the cracks each day. Yet once again, I still have a lot of hope.

Peace and Quiet

As I’m getting “older” now, I truly value my peace and quiet. Even if I’m just sitting around doing nothing, I’m pretty content with that. It’s something beyond monetary value to me. I don’t think many people get it which is fine. I’ve just grown used to not having to be a part of every social outing or finding it easier to say ‘no’ because I’m really not in the mood to socialize. I have a limit for how much I can tolerate folks. My work drains the shit out of me, where it makes me not want to think or deal with anyone. I’m well aware of how anti-social and introverted it sounds, but oh well. I’m content with listening to music and reading a book at a coffee shop by myself.

I’ve been pretty swamped with work since a lot of folks are off due to the holidays and folks having to burn up their vacation time since apparently in Colorado it doesn’t rollover…whereas for me in Cali I can rack up all that vacay time. Pretty much doing an extra load of work and there are set backs to this because the folks I need to talk to are offline. Ugh… I just want to get my work done and not think about anything. I don’t mind being busy with work, but this is just stressful.

With being overloaded with work, during the weekends I’m extra quiet. I’ll probably ignore text messages and whatnot. I enjoy not having to answer to ANYONE. However…I don’t think some people understand. I’m not fucking mad nor am I fucking sad. I want peace and quiet. I don’t have to answer to every little damn thing. If I’m quiet, I don’t want to talk. There’s nothing wrong. I’m fucking tired. I didn’t go fall off of the face of the earth and die somewhere just because I’m not saying anything. People (ahem Californians) need to chill the fuck out. I appreciate the concern and all, but for real…it’s not that serious. I don’t freak out if I haven’t really heard from my friends back home because I know we’re all busy doing our own thing unless I already knew about some situation.

Rant over.

Muted

I haven’t had too much to say lately because quite frankly it’ll be mostly about my career. I continue rising up in my career while building strong relationships with the right people within this community, speaking beyond blunt to executives and thankfully not getting my ass fired for doing so, and influencing people that are aspiring to do what I do. I’m content and very focused. My mind is scattered because I’m constantly thinking about strategies, ideas and discussions that I’ve had with folks and I’m determined in what I’m trying to accomplish.

When I’m not so heads down, I realize how alone I am. I’ve realized that I mask this loneliness with my dedication to my career, which can be good and bad. My friendships has changed significantly this year with friends being so heads down in their relationships. I can truly say that out of my few close friends, only one isn’t completely heads down in her relationship. I don’t feel forgotten at all by her and it’s nice to know. She’s my only friend that’s actually making the effort to visit me for my birthday in 2 months. I don’t need a big celebration. All I want is a piece of home here and to not be alone on my birthday. I’m happy for my friends and all, but it’s not the same anymore. Anything like traveling, dining out, and whatnot now will be with their significant others. Anything that I want to do is really all by myself. If I want to travel somewhere, I just go by myself. If I want to go to a concert, it’s by myself. Etc. I know it’s not their fault to be so engaged, but at the same time sometimes I need them just as much as they need their significant other. I’m a strong, independent woman but sometimes even the strong ones need to cry and to hold someone’s hand, too.

The other night while organizing some old birthday cards that I’ve saved over the years, I was quite entertained yet happy to have read them. At the same time, I realized how I’m getting “old” and this huge flash just hit me hard. I’m still alone. By no means do I want to come off as being desperate just to want to fill this void because I’m lonely. I realize how accomplished I am and I just want to share these moments with someone special. It does get lonely the higher in the success ladder that you climb. Most of my days is filled with peace and quiet, which once again can be good and bad. Everyone is attached to the hip of their significant other and I don’t want to bother anyone and just continue to deal with things on my own in that peace and quiet. The quietness in my daily life has so much volume as weird as that may sound, to the point where things are so muted.

Life isn’t terrible. It’s just gotten pretty lonely no matter how strong, successful, and independent you are.

Shield

I’ve been pretty heads down with work lately. I’m focused on building a strategy of success for my team and how I can help in any way that I can to make things better. I’ve had the chance to meet my design idols, who’s book I was currently reading, and I’ve had great discussions with them as well. They helped me see things in a different perspective and it’s changed me in some ways in how I operate. It’s helped pave this leadership path that I am on. They were just super inspiring people that I’ve met and it has made a pretty large impact on my career. By no means am I trying to become a manager or a director. However I do see myself as an influencer…if that’s the right term to use. I’ve immersed myself in design books where it speaks a lot about leadership and whatnot, and I’m loving it. I spend 2 hours towards the end of my work day to read as much as I can. There’s just so much information that I’m trying to absorb and to take into action.

A few weeks ago my friend had this girl’s night dinner and it was fun. My design idol showed up too which left me foaming at the mouth lol. I wanted to get to know her more since she really is such an amazing person both in the design community and outside of that. Our discussions varied on so many things and oddly we can all relate to whatever was being discussed. Anyways, at the end of the night I realized how diverse this group of women are yet we were all on the same page. There were major age gaps between us, different occupations, mothers, wives, singletons, etc. It was just such a strong group of women to be around especially during that time where I felt so down about the guy, I really needed this.

I’ve thought a lot about where I’m standing now and where I was just a month ago. To some degree that cut is still open a bit and I’m still hurt. I am much better today in a sense where I’ve been able to lead and pretty much kick ass where I need to. I am proud of my efforts and my dedication in what I need to get done especially for my career and my team. I know this might happen again since I still have doubts, but I don’t ever want to be in that position again where a guy has made me feel like that. It was a lot on me and it was so draining. It has been quite some time where I had gotten that vulnerable for someone and it was just too painful for me. To even say out loud to him and even my close friends, “I like you” was a huge deal for me. It takes a lot for me to evenĀ  say that since I’m quite selective in who I even crack the door open for. He made me feel so terrible as if he slammed that door so damn hard in my face. It was too much for me. I’ve built my walls back up to shield myself because I can’t allow this to happen again. At least not right now. I am so focused and I can’t be distracted. I need time to trust again and I need to protect myself.

Discouraged

I reached out to L to see how he was doing since I was genuinely concerned. He called me and basically told me he’s been talking to his ex and is trying to get back with her and intends on marrying her as well as moving back to Chicago as soon as possible. I was beyond crushed and disappointed as I listened to everything he was saying. I felt so heartbroken and refrained from crying on the phone. I just simply told him that I was really disappointed and that I wished him the best of luck since I was still in shock and at a lost for words. He thanked me for being there for him and didn’t want me to think it was a waste of my time. However, I did waste my time on someone who’s heart and mind was elsewhere. It was unfair to me.

It’s a huge deal for me to even like someone and now I just want to build my walls back up again. This isn’t the first (or second or third or forth) time I meet a guy and he ends up going back to his ex or off to someone else. It really makes me so sensitive and flawed that I can’t even sustain a relationship at all. As successful as I am, I feel like a huge failure in this department. Not only that, I strongly more than ever firmly believe that there is no good guy out there. I’m sure I’ll be told otherwise, but I really can’t see that.

Suddenly Disappointed

I had talked to this guy a month ago very briefly and long story short, we reconnected again recently. We were both clear as to what we’re currently looking for since I didn’t want to waste my time. As we got to know each other, it was refreshing to meet someone like him. He’s intelligent, handsome, very respectful, sweet and kind. I haven’t met someone like him ever and there was something about him so charming. However as we were kicking things off, I had told him that I’d basically be busy all of September. I was busy with work and had plans, as well as traveling to Boston for 2 weeks and I’d be busy the last week of September once I got back. I felt bad but made it clear to him what my schedule was like so it didn’t make me look like a total flake.

We’ve been in touch on a daily basis and it was nice talking to someone that wants know how my day was. He’s so smart and just the way he carried himself was extremely attractive to me. It was a lot of little things that drew me closer to him. Since being in Boston, I was looking forward to spending time with him when I got back and to take a break from the text messages and phone calls. I felt connected to this guy in some ways due to similar past experiences such as moving to Cali. It was really sweet and cute how he would ask when I’m coming back. That feeling of being needed and wanted to some level felt so nice.

However, my heart sank pretty deep last night. He had mentioned about having depression at one point and that didn’t turn me off. It only wanted me to be there even more for him, to support him and to be there in anyway that I can. Last night he had texted me mentioning how he had a terrible day and was on his way to his group therapy session. I told him to reach out to me anytime if he needed to talk. Well he definitely took advantage of that. He pretty much told me he wasn’t in the right state of mind to be dating due to his depression and how severe it was getting. I felt incredibly sad for him and wishing that he’d get better. The selfish side of me was disappointed that this wasn’t gonna go anywhere and I even told him too.

It’s not his fault for this not working out but I do feel very crushed. Dating is incredibly difficult in this digital era with heavy loaded social media platforms. It’s so hard to come across any type of authenticity nowadays. I met a nice guy and unfortunately it’s not going to work out. I really do hope he gets the help that he needs and that he’ll be okay. I am genuinely concerned and told him that even though things aren’t working out for us doesn’t mean I can’t be there for him. I’ve also mentioned that if he needs his privacy I will totally back off and respect his privacy. Right now I’ve backed off to not only respect his privacy but for me to detach myself from this great guy.

Why do these bullshit things happen to me? It’s not only unfair to me, but unfair to him. I’m just really bummed out.