I haven’t had too much to say lately because quite frankly it’ll be mostly about my career. I continue rising up in my career while building strong relationships with the right people within this community, speaking beyond blunt to executives and thankfully not getting my ass fired for doing so, and influencing people that are aspiring to do what I do. I’m content and very focused. My mind is scattered because I’m constantly thinking about strategies, ideas and discussions that I’ve had with folks and I’m determined in what I’m trying to accomplish.
When I’m not so heads down, I realize how alone I am. I’ve realized that I mask this loneliness with my dedication to my career, which can be good and bad. My friendships has changed significantly this year with friends being so heads down in their relationships. I can truly say that out of my few close friends, only one isn’t completely heads down in her relationship. I don’t feel forgotten at all by her and it’s nice to know. She’s my only friend that’s actually making the effort to visit me for my birthday in 2 months. I don’t need a big celebration. All I want is a piece of home here and to not be alone on my birthday. I’m happy for my friends and all, but it’s not the same anymore. Anything like traveling, dining out, and whatnot now will be with their significant others. Anything that I want to do is really all by myself. If I want to travel somewhere, I just go by myself. If I want to go to a concert, it’s by myself. Etc. I know it’s not their fault to be so engaged, but at the same time sometimes I need them just as much as they need their significant other. I’m a strong, independent woman but sometimes even the strong ones need to cry and to hold someone’s hand, too.
The other night while organizing some old birthday cards that I’ve saved over the years, I was quite entertained yet happy to have read them. At the same time, I realized how I’m getting “old” and this huge flash just hit me hard. I’m still alone. By no means do I want to come off as being desperate just to want to fill this void because I’m lonely. I realize how accomplished I am and I just want to share these moments with someone special. It does get lonely the higher in the success ladder that you climb. Most of my days is filled with peace and quiet, which once again can be good and bad. Everyone is attached to the hip of their significant other and I don’t want to bother anyone and just continue to deal with things on my own in that peace and quiet. The quietness in my daily life has so much volume as weird as that may sound, to the point where things are so muted.
Life isn’t terrible. It’s just gotten pretty lonely no matter how strong, successful, and independent you are.
I’ve been pretty heads down with work lately. I’m focused on building a strategy of success for my team and how I can help in any way that I can to make things better. I’ve had the chance to meet my design idols, who’s book I was currently reading, and I’ve had great discussions with them as well. They helped me see things in a different perspective and it’s changed me in some ways in how I operate. It’s helped pave this leadership path that I am on. They were just super inspiring people that I’ve met and it has made a pretty large impact on my career. By no means am I trying to become a manager or a director. However I do see myself as an influencer…if that’s the right term to use. I’ve immersed myself in design books where it speaks a lot about leadership and whatnot, and I’m loving it. I spend 2 hours towards the end of my work day to read as much as I can. There’s just so much information that I’m trying to absorb and to take into action.
A few weeks ago my friend had this girl’s night dinner and it was fun. My design idol showed up too which left me foaming at the mouth lol. I wanted to get to know her more since she really is such an amazing person both in the design community and outside of that. Our discussions varied on so many things and oddly we can all relate to whatever was being discussed. Anyways, at the end of the night I realized how diverse this group of women are yet we were all on the same page. There were major age gaps between us, different occupations, mothers, wives, singletons, etc. It was just such a strong group of women to be around especially during that time where I felt so down about the guy, I really needed this.
I’ve thought a lot about where I’m standing now and where I was just a month ago. To some degree that cut is still open a bit and I’m still hurt. I am much better today in a sense where I’ve been able to lead and pretty much kick ass where I need to. I am proud of my efforts and my dedication in what I need to get done especially for my career and my team. I know this might happen again since I still have doubts, but I don’t ever want to be in that position again where a guy has made me feel like that. It was a lot on me and it was so draining. It has been quite some time where I had gotten that vulnerable for someone and it was just too painful for me. To even say out loud to him and even my close friends, “I like you” was a huge deal for me. It takes a lot for me to even say that since I’m quite selective in who I even crack the door open for. He made me feel so terrible as if he slammed that door so damn hard in my face. It was too much for me. I’ve built my walls back up to shield myself because I can’t allow this to happen again. At least not right now. I am so focused and I can’t be distracted. I need time to trust again and I need to protect myself.
I reached out to L to see how he was doing since I was genuinely concerned. He called me and basically told me he’s been talking to his ex and is trying to get back with her and intends on marrying her as well as moving back to Chicago as soon as possible. I was beyond crushed and disappointed as I listened to everything he was saying. I felt so heartbroken and refrained from crying on the phone. I just simply told him that I was really disappointed and that I wished him the best of luck since I was still in shock and at a lost for words. He thanked me for being there for him and didn’t want me to think it was a waste of my time. However, I did waste my time on someone who’s heart and mind was elsewhere. It was unfair to me.
It’s a huge deal for me to even like someone and now I just want to build my walls back up again. This isn’t the first (or second or third or forth) time I meet a guy and he ends up going back to his ex or off to someone else. It really makes me so sensitive and flawed that I can’t even sustain a relationship at all. As successful as I am, I feel like a huge failure in this department. Not only that, I strongly more than ever firmly believe that there is no good guy out there. I’m sure I’ll be told otherwise, but I really can’t see that.
I had talked to this guy a month ago very briefly and long story short, we reconnected again recently. We were both clear as to what we’re currently looking for since I didn’t want to waste my time. As we got to know each other, it was refreshing to meet someone like him. He’s intelligent, handsome, very respectful, sweet and kind. I haven’t met someone like him ever and there was something about him so charming. However as we were kicking things off, I had told him that I’d basically be busy all of September. I was busy with work and had plans, as well as traveling to Boston for 2 weeks and I’d be busy the last week of September once I got back. I felt bad but made it clear to him what my schedule was like so it didn’t make me look like a total flake.
We’ve been in touch on a daily basis and it was nice talking to someone that wants know how my day was. He’s so smart and just the way he carried himself was extremely attractive to me. It was a lot of little things that drew me closer to him. Since being in Boston, I was looking forward to spending time with him when I got back and to take a break from the text messages and phone calls. I felt connected to this guy in some ways due to similar past experiences such as moving to Cali. It was really sweet and cute how he would ask when I’m coming back. That feeling of being needed and wanted to some level felt so nice.
However, my heart sank pretty deep last night. He had mentioned about having depression at one point and that didn’t turn me off. It only wanted me to be there even more for him, to support him and to be there in anyway that I can. Last night he had texted me mentioning how he had a terrible day and was on his way to his group therapy session. I told him to reach out to me anytime if he needed to talk. Well he definitely took advantage of that. He pretty much told me he wasn’t in the right state of mind to be dating due to his depression and how severe it was getting. I felt incredibly sad for him and wishing that he’d get better. The selfish side of me was disappointed that this wasn’t gonna go anywhere and I even told him too.
It’s not his fault for this not working out but I do feel very crushed. Dating is incredibly difficult in this digital era with heavy loaded social media platforms. It’s so hard to come across any type of authenticity nowadays. I met a nice guy and unfortunately it’s not going to work out. I really do hope he gets the help that he needs and that he’ll be okay. I am genuinely concerned and told him that even though things aren’t working out for us doesn’t mean I can’t be there for him. I’ve also mentioned that if he needs his privacy I will totally back off and respect his privacy. Right now I’ve backed off to not only respect his privacy but for me to detach myself from this great guy.
Why do these bullshit things happen to me? It’s not only unfair to me, but unfair to him. I’m just really bummed out.
Since being back home in Boston and catching up with friends, I’ve honestly felt more disconnected than ever with my friends here. My priorities compared to theirs is entirely different and that’s totally fine. Doesn’t makes mines better than theirs and vice versa. They’re so focused on marriage and buying a home, whereas my focus is my career, health and travel. I’m happy for my friends and what they’re doing but I kinda feel that my priorities are frowned upon especially my career. I had dinner with a few friends last week. L asked J if his fiancee will change her last name when they get married and he gave a very firm yes. I jumped into the conversation with saying “I will never change my last name for anyone. I don’t give a fuck who you are.” and then J kinda looked at me like “why??”. I said “I worked very hard in my career and my name is a huge part of my identity as I’m building a reputation for myself in this design community”. Cue the eye rolling… Once again I had to justify my reasoning. I told them that I don’t view work just as a paycheck to collect. I actually give a fuck about the work I do and how much I want to aspire for more in my career. Cue another eye roll followed by head shaking. Tell me WHY the fuck it’s such a terrible thing that I care about my career so much and that unfortunately I don’t have a significant other in my life to care for?? I’m very proud of how independent I am not only in a career aspect but as an overall whole. I’ve done a lot for myself and I don’t see anything wrong with that.
Yesterday I had lunch with M and was telling her about that conversation and I think she misunderstood me. She got very honest with me and told me how I’ve changed since I had mentioned how everyone is changing (which isn’t a bad thing) as well as myself. She told me I’m much more confident and I talk about myself a lot. I gave her this look of confusion, like “uhh, bitch what are you talking about?” when she said I talk about myself a lot. She meant that I talk a lot about myself in terms of my accomplishments. I thought about it and I don’t think I “brag” by any means of what I’ve accomplished in my career or how I moved to Cali. However, I am pretty damn proud of myself for what I’ve done on my own without having to rely on anyone. My friends here have their significant others to celebrate their accomplishments with. For me, I treat myself to a nice dinner or something. I don’t physically have someone to be there to cheer me on, so if I talk about my shit a lot it’s because I’m constantly alone. Not my fault. I’m not mad at M or anything for being honest with me, but her mentioning this just irked me a bit.
Besides a sense of being disconnected with friends here, this city has gotten even more gentrified to the core. I’ve noticed it prior to moving away and it was disappointing to me. I had met up with friends who live near where I grew up and it killed me when I saw how gentrified this one area I used to hang out at. I kinda freaked out and I felt really sad. It was really hard for me to absorb and I’m still in shock about it. I had a chance to drive by the street where I grew up and there were even more new things near it and my heart just broke. This is A LOT of change for me to take in with the bit of disconnect that I’m currently having with my friends and now the gentrification galore throughout the city. Ugh. I kinda feel like I’m not how to handle all of this besides hoping this trip ends even quicker so I can just go back to my daily routine in Cali: work and gym.
It just doesn’t make me feel any happier to be back here and I’d rather be back in Cali alone at my place.
I’m currently back on the East Coast and currently in New York City. Prior to flying back, I wanted to come to NYC since it’s been 4 years since I’ve last been here after I moved to Cali. All I wanted to do was to come here to hang out in one of my favorite cities and eat yummy food. Very simple agenda. Since planning to come here was very frustrating because people were indecisive and couldn’t make up their minds that my plans were no longer the simple agenda that I had in mind.
My close friend’s husband came along which was fine…until the attitudes kicked in. Honestly don’t fucking go on a trip if you’re fucking tired and give me your bullshit bitchass attitudes. It got awkward for me but I brushed it off and continued to be nice. I had decided to pay for the bill when dinner came since my friend and her husband drove and paid for gas. It was the least that I could do. My friend went to the bathroom and while I sat there at the table with her husband, our waiter brought us the check. I immediately paid for it and my friend’s husband just gives me a weird look and goes “uh ok”. I told him it was the least that I could do since they were driving. He again gives me an attitude and this is where I’m officially pissed. I told him “why don’t you just fucking say thank you and not be so fucking rude about it?”. He said he wasn’t being rude and ended it with “whatever”.
When my friend returned from the bathroom and we were leaving the table, I said to my friend that I get it your husband is tired but wtf, I just paid for the bill so don’t give me a fucking attitude. I don’t need the bullshit. I don’t need the stank ass attitude and when I’m just trying to make conversation with you like asking how did you like the dish, I get a “meh…”. Seriously fuck off and stay home next time. He wanted to come along so it wasn’t like I forced him against his own will to come. So annoying.
We got to our mutual friend’s place which is where we’re staying tonight. She recently got engaged to her boyfriend and they live together. These friends are all close and their significant others have gotten close too. They were chatting amongst themselves while I was in the shower. I thought about how much they all clicked and I started feeling sad. Honestly I feel very lonely in this big and beautiful city. I’m not having the best time and I kinda sorta wish I had someone in my life. It’s hard when you’re surrounded by friends that are all married or taken and you’re the single one.
I wasn’t thrilled about coming back to visit the East Coast and it just makes me not want to come back often or ever. I just want this entire trip to end quicker than I even left my place to go to the airport.
I plan on being pretty heads down in my work this week as I’m preparing to lead a very important usability test. I’ve never had to do this and I just want to make sure that I don’t fuck it up. I just want to make sure that I ask important questions, take down the right notes and pretty over moderate the entire session correctly. I’m extremely stressed out and scared about how it will go. I’ve asked my old team who has much more skills in this department for some advice. I’ve noticed how lethargic I’ve gotten during the past couple of days and I’m trying to snap myself out of it. I’ve been extremely tired and sleepy and the thing is, I’m literally not doing much. At all. Pathetic, I know.
I’m trying to manage my stress better since I feel so much pressure from work. I went for an hour walk at the park after dinner to destress. I’m trying to stay focused and get it together before end of the week for when the session happens. I just really want to prove to people at work that I’m stepping it up and that I am good at my job. As a nice incentive, today I booked a hotel for this weekend. It’s the same hotel right on the water by the beach, which I’m really excited for. I definitely want to squeeze it some time in the sun before things start to get really hectic for me where I won’t be able to go as the summer is coming to an end.