Archive

Tag Archives: venting

I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time and realized that I’m becoming a bit comfortable with certain things and I don’t like it. I want to get out of this comfort zone. I’m really craving for change in my life and maybe it’s time to say goodbye to California. It’s been a lingering thought for quite some time and just not sure how to go about the changes that I want to make. I mean I know what I need to do, but I want instant gratification. I wish I could literally just leave like right now. However, the idea of moving anywhere isn’t on the top of my list of priorities at the moment. I have to get my health in better condition before I can even think about moving. It sucks but I have great doctors and medical help right now. To have to look for a new doctor in a new place already sounds like a pain in the ass.

Sometimes I go back and forth with staying in California or moving out of state. I think of the pros and cons and ughhh…so many decisions! Might stay for another year or 2 and then leave. Who knows? My living situation is great and I work a great job, which I’m sure they wouldn’t mind me relocating elsewhere. I got very lucky in those situations and I feel like I’ve done well enough in my career so far that I’m ready to explore elsewhere. As for my social life, I’ve made a few friends here and then there’s a couple of Boston transplants from home that I see here and there. If I move again, I’m scared of being lonely. Sounds stupid but I think I’m still a bit traumatized when I first moved to Cali and how incredibly shitty people here were to me. I don’t know if I’m mentally and emotionally ready to deal with that kind of crap again.

Despite having a great job and whatnot, I just don’t feel so happy with my location. I’m just kinda over the things here. It’s been nearly 4 years since I’ve been here. That’s kind of a big deal for me to stay put in one place for that long. Back in Boston I moved around a lot and I didn’t mind. I need a change of scenery and perhaps the good old Pacific Northwest is calling my name. For now, I’m just frustrated with myself and I want to get my health in a better already. I know there’s progress and this is a journey for me, but hurry the fuck up already! My health comes first before anything else and I just want to kick the shit out of this disease. I shouldn’t let this be a set back for me, but unfortunately it is.

I want to start over and be happy again.

I had a bad day where I was just this emotional mess. It’s my fault for bottling a lot of it up inside but then again I was really trying my best to be strong, positive and to keep things moving. During my most recent follow up appointment with the doctor, I’ve been meaning to ask to get a 100% confirmation for my diagnosis. What my previous doctor told me was incorrect and this doctor that specializes in what’s wrong with me confirmed it was something else, but it wasn’t too far of a stretch for what the actual diagnosis was. I remember sitting on that table fighting back tears as I continued to nod my head and acknowledge that words that he had said to me. He described to me the difference between the two things and what my primary diagnosis is. I took in every word that he said the let that sink into my mind. Afterwards he told me that the goal is to help me get stronger and that I’m currently on the right path.

Despite the bad news ending on good news, I couldn’t shake off the exact medical terms for my diagnosis. I remember leaving that office feeling so numb with those words continuously running through my mind. I teared up only a tiny bit once I got into my car, but I tried my hardest to put my emotions on the side since I had to get back to work. This wasn’t entirely new news to me, but it was like a part 2 to getting this type of news after narrowing it down to what it is. Anyways, I had to stay focused on my work and didn’t want this to distract me. Yet as the days went by it became a huge distraction since I was creating a really large void. I really didn’t want to acknowledge the issue myself. I was still in a huge amount of disbelief that “fuck, why me?”.

I haven’t slept well because it’s constantly on my mind and plus I’m in pain so that’s not a helpful reminder either. I’m scared that I’ll wake up with worst symptoms. Not sure what even triggered me to start crying so much today about it, but I guess I really needed to let it out. All of it. In so many ways I wish for the physical pain to go away. I wish this shit never happened to me. I wish my parents and friends from home were physically here. I want someone to hold my hand during this difficult time for me. I haven’t told anyone since I don’t want to freak anyone out. I’m sure at some point I will, but for now I’m still processing it. I know I’m on the right path to healing, but throughout the day I realized I have to live with this and it’s going to fuck me up as I get older. That’s the extremely terrifying part of it all. It’s going to gradually tear me apart. I’m scared for what will happen to me as I age and I can’t stop it. I’m angry with myself that I can’t fix it permanently.

I don’t want to drown myself in this sadness. Right now it just feels like deja vu when I got my first diagnosis from the first doctor. So to be told bad news about your health AGAIN isn’t that great. I just want to be okay. I’m letting this all out so tomorrow will be a new day for me to continue to keep things moving.

I’ll be 100% honest. I haven’t done ANY work at all last week. Seriously, throw my laptop at me please. Well I took Thursday as a half day and I took Friday off to get some rest from my recent medical procedure and legit slept all weekend, too. I’m struggling with snapping myself out of this depression. Despite me failing on accomplishing any work, I’ve been taking minor baby steps to help myself crawl out of this hole. I dragged myself out to get basic errands done like grocery shopping and what not. Bought myself some flowers to arrange for my desk at home since I love doing this but also to uplift my attitude a bit.

After getting as much as I can during the day, I went to SF on Friday night to catch up with a friend who is an old colleague from my last team. This guy is has been a great friend as well as a mentor to me and with how I currently feel, it was good timing to meet up over dinner with him. He gave me some really good advice and was very encouraging per usual. I had plans to go see Alina Baraz perform after dinner, but had lots of time to kill. We walked to get some donuts and chatted more. Being in his company was just refreshing and it was comforting to know that I wasn’t the only one in a rut about our design career. When we got our donuts and walked towards the venue I gave him a big hug goodbye. I felt so comforted when we hung out and I really needed that talk and hug.

Going to the Alina Baraz show wasn’t too bad. I had bought these tickets 2 months ago because I really wanted to see her live and I had a feeling I’d feel down when I came back from Boston. However, I got really pissed off because stupid fobs were being loud and obnoxious. This one fobby guy decided to sit right in front of me and blocked my view entirely. I just yelled at him and told him to move the fuck out of the way. Every time I kept trying to record something, this fucker kept getting in my way and I yelled at him again and was like “are you fucking for real?”. I ended up moving because fucking fobs are just inconsiderate as fuck. I seriously hate snobby ass entitled fobs. I know it sounds ignorant, but their mannerisms…SMH! I wouldn’t have to curse anyone out if they had better manners. Anyways, after moving my seat I was finally able to chill and enjoy the concert. It was a good night.

I was going to attempt to do some work over the weekend but I went back into instant vegetable mode. Ugh… Granted I was getting some rest since I was still sore from the medical procedure, I was just extremely unproductive and a mess. Yesterday I finally tried to do some errands, but I really just wanted to go back to bed and stay home. I didn’t want to interact with anyone at all. As the time went by, I was dreading the upcoming work week and having to deal with the shit project that I am still on. I went to bed feeling like I was going to get a lot of crap from whoever for whatever reason. It’s an unsettling feeling.

This morning I took my time to get myself relatively productive. Checked my work email from my phone in bed and cringed every second as it was all loading. One email that stood out was an email from my boss with the subject title “Your Review”. I thought to myself, “FUCK…”. Back in January we had to complete a self-appraisal and this is the time I was expecting to hear something back from my boss, but didn’t realize it’d be this informal. When I opened up the PDF to see my review, I was relieved that it was all good news. I have a few things to improve, but regardless I was happy to see that I’ve been doing well. It definitely put me in a much better mood today after reading that email. However, I’m still struggling with getting into the right state of mind of getting work done. I have my work all laid out, but I just keep staring at the screen aimlessly. I tidied up my room a bit instead, which is the last thing that I should be doing.

With the good news from today, hopefully tonight I’ll be able to get some of that work done.

I can be pretty empathetic with most people when it comes to them talking to me about anything. Then there’s that side where I can be a cold bitch and be really blunt about things but that’s a rarity. I only get like that if you are really pressing me with just redundant bullshit. I’ve been quite stressed out dealing with my own shit and I have my way of dealing with it. Granted we all have shit that we’re dealing with and that’s just life. I think everyone is totally entitled to vent just to get it out of their system and that’s fine, but don’t come to me for a pity party because I’ll just be mean and give you a dirty look.

My colleague at work who is in her 50s has her own set of issues. Her topics of discussion can range from Trump, God and her marital issues. All topics that makes me want to bang my head against my desk. Plus, golden rule is to never talk about politics and religion with people. I didn’t mind being a lending ear here and there, but she pushed me pretty hard when she tried to get me to go to church since she’s Christian. Seriously, WTF? I have respect for all religions, but fuck off and respect mines as well. I’ve had a pretty bad experience where an ex-friend of mines tried doing this shit to me which led me to flip out on him and kicked his ass out of my car. That’s how mean I can be. But this lady is pretty sensitive and I have to deal with her at work so I’m not going to go bat shit crazy on her. That moment made me very uncomfortable and it just made me look at her in a different light from then on.

Next thing she tends to talk to me about is her sister who happens to have leukemia. Despite the diagnosis that her sister and my mom has is entirely different, I know how hard it is. It’s a very stressful and difficult to deal with especially to know that your loved one is sick. From day one of my mom’s diagnosis I’ve never treated her like a cancer patient and I never made the situation about me because it’s not about me EVER. However, my colleague keeps making her sister’s disease about HER. Seriously, I should slap you for being so selfish. She had plans to go to Hong Kong to take care of her sister and prior to me leaving to go to Boston to take care of my mom, she came over to my desk venting and started crying. At this point I’m pretty anxious and stressed out myself. The last thing I need is for someone to come at me with this boo hoo bullshit. I calmly said to her that “I get it that it totally sucks to see your sister hurting, but imagine the shit that she has to deal with and the on going treatments that she has to go through. You are still able to drive your nice BMW, go out to eat a nice meal, go shopping, work a great job, etc. It’s seriously not about you so stop it.”  At that moment, I was pretty relieved that I was going to be in the office for awhile to deal with her shenanigans and by the time I get back, she was going to be off to Hong Kong…

Until this jackass text messaged me while I was in Boston. She texted me at 3:00AM EST (12:00PM PST). I woke up really angry. She had texted me asking when am I coming back and told me she cancelled her trip and that her sister will have to go through some kind of aggressive treatment. Girl, for real?…WHY THE FUCK ARE TELLING ME THIS?!!!! I was so pissed because there she went again…making the situation about her. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Whether you like it or not how someone’s treatment is going to be, why the fuck would you let them go through it alone? This is where I’m not so empathetic with her. I would never ever ever ever ever EVERRR leave my mom alone like that regardless how serious her treatment got. It just made me so angry that she kept asking when am I coming back when really she needs to get on that plane and be there with her sister. Texting a friend is the last thing I’d be doing if I was in her shoes. I seriously fucking hate people that do shit like that. I’ve never felt so annoyed with anyone venting to me about shit but with her because I feel like she’s whining and nagging in her nice big house with her nice BMW and etc. Fucking bullshit rich people problem. UGH!

I’m starting to keep me healthy distance from her because I just can’t deal with her stupid bullshit especially for a grown ass adult. Get it together bitch. SMH…

One of my biggest fears of visiting home is knowing how discouraged I’ll get. This can apply to literally everything. I’ve been feeling a bit discouraged with my health, I feel like shutting everyone out again, and what’s hit me the hardest is how discouraged I am with work. I’m struggling with work pretty hard. I’m not performing as well and that is my own fault. The project that I am currently assigned to is truly the biggest mess that I’ve ever been a part of. It’s a mess with so many people on it and also my voice isn’t being heard. Every time I present, my work constantly keeps getting negative feedback and it’s like “WTF?!”. I’m delivering the necessary requirements, yet I keep getting shitted on. It’s beyond frustrating. I try to change my strategy so things could work better, but nope.

The other day while I was working remotely it was just REALLY awful. I was extremely exhausted from zero sleep on my flight and I knew I had to present my work. In the back of my mind, I knew that no matter how hard I try I knew I was just gonna get shitted on. I spoke too soon. I woke up at 6:00am and was running on 4 hours of sleeping trying to get the final bits of my design cleaned up and ready to share. I was pretty confident in my presentation and BAM! I got shitted on by each person on that call. Nothing but so many comments. Seriously, WTF? I don’t think I’m the best at what I do, but fuck I’m not that bad. I continued taking notes with a couple of useful feedback to work on my revisions. After that meeting ended, I sat there with my face in my hands and started crying…only for the manager on that project to message me to ask if he could call me. He called only to give me some more shit. I just didn’t really give a fuck anymore and just expressed my frustration with this project and how I hard I’m trying. Even though I was being pretty blunt, he didn’t seem to care what I had to say. I started crying even more after that call.

An hour later I had a daily stand up call with my team and sometimes these calls are whatever. Only myself and this guy B on my team had dialed in. The day before B had vented to my boss and I his frustrations with some of the work that he has been dealing with. Since we were all in need of venting, I had vented to B about the project that I am on. I felt very reassured that it wasn’t me and that the project that I am on is indeed a fucking mess. I’m on a team filled with engineers that doesn’t know shit about design. I told him how I was a bit hesitant to tell my boss about all of this, but he told me I should anyways. I decided to calm down and tell my boss about this the next day. He was understanding and doesn’t like the people that I have to deal with anyways. Luckily I was already in the process of getting transitioned off of this project and I just wish the process was much faster.

Despite the support from my boss and team, I’m having a hard time with everything. I’m trying my best to pull myself out of this dark hole. I told myself before that I can’t be like this again, but it’s very hard. As much as I enjoy being with my parents and seeing my close friends, I really need to get back to Cali to get myself together again. I just feel all of the seams falling apart the longer that I am here. My anxiety is getting pretty bad and I constantly feel like I am panicking. This will be my constant challenge every time I visit home and it’ll either get harder or easier on how well I can control it. Right now I feel so suffocated and I just want to leave already.

IMG_1760.JPGAs the date got closer for my trip back to Boston, my stress and anxiety went up a lot. I’ve been working out 5 days a week to relieve this stress. I’m scared of going home to reality. Today I had a follow up appointment on the progress of my health. Good news is that I’m doing well. Bad news is that I need another medical procedure done when I return from Boston. I know what to expect but to go through it by myself is what I’m more afraid of instead of the pain. I took work off today because I was just a total emotional mess. I just laid in bed and tried to sleep off the emotions.
At the airport as I sat by the window and stared out aimlessly while waiting to board, I felt so much anxiety and was trying to hold back the tears. I was trying my best to calm myself down. My old work mom gave me a call and cue the waterworks. I started crying and venting to her. I was overwhelmed with everything and I continue to struggle yet try to figure out how to cope the best way possible.

Perhaps this really is a good time for me to return home to be with my family and friends. Honestly I just want a big hug from them to comfort me and to push aside the fears that I’ve kept to myself. When will I be okay again? When will my mom be okay again?

My job title means a lot to me. It’s what I’ve worked hard for to earn it over the years. Recently there has been a change to people’s job titles at work due to the merger. In my opinion, I think it’s so stupid. Essentially my title went from designer to engineer. For whatever reason, I got so mad and bothered by the change. It still bothers me. Nothing wrong with being an engineer but WHAT THE FUCK? The responsibilities that entails to what an engineer versus a designer is not the same. I design, I don’t fucking build things. It just pisses me off when people are so uneducated and go ahead to assume what I do and it’s a shame that a large corporate company that I work at can’t even understand the difference. I find it really insulting for the credibility that I hold in my skills.

Rant over.