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I’ve been dealing with a lot of changes and I’m having a bit of a hard time absorbing a lot of it. My reaction to it all probably isn’t the best but I do feel so bombarded. I feel like every week there’s something. I get it…change is constant. I can’t control that. However I need to get a better grip of my emotions. I’ve noticed the past 2 nights I haven’t slept so well because my mind is just thinking about literally everything.

There’s so many transitions happening at work and it’s a lot for me. I know my team who are all in Colorado is supportive, but I need that physical presence if that makes any sense. I’ve been dealt with a lot of challenges at this job and I was up for that challenge. Yet suddenly I feel so defeated. Last week I had to meet with this director to basically explain the difference between user experience and user interface. I ever so wanted to just bang my head against the table because it’s honestly not complicated. I even dumbed it down to the simplest explanation ever and I still don’t think he understood me. As he continued speaking to me in the most condescending way ever, he questioned if this was my first job. Sometimes I get comments for how young I look (yay, good Asian genes?) but I have almost 10 years experience in my line of work. It’s hard being a woman working in tech with a large population of men in Silicon Valley. You have to deal with pricks like this director. I got so spoiled at my last job and of course my old team, but I really need to stop comparing the two because they’re both different experiences.

Moving onto my health, I got the call from my doctor yesterday with my results. I am extremely thankful and relieved that I am fine. It was hands down the scariest thing that I’ve ever dealt with. It was beyond an eye opener for me. My parents and close friends were relieved to hear the good news as well. I don’t think anyone can truly understand what hell I’ve been through with that major health scare and that’s okay. It’s just extremely terrifying because you really feel like things are coming to a sudden end for you. I can only continue hoping that my health gets better. I’ve been putting so much hard work into it all and just want to keep things moving in the right direction.

As much as I bitch and complain in my posts, I really am trying my best to embrace these changes the best way that I can. It’s hard, it takes time, and these are major adjustments for me. I’m just taking baby steps and that’s fine with me.

Last Friday during my doctor’s appointment, I had received good news about my results from my blood work. Yay, right? No… I went back into the office that following Monday and long story short, I had to immediately go get blood work done again. I basically have a 50/50 chance of having a very serious illness. Pretty much the same shit as my mom. I remember getting that phone call from my doctor about having to get blood work done the next morning, asking her questions as to what if my results don’t improve and what the next steps will be. I crumbled in that moment as I sat in my bed absorbing all of the information. I immediately called close friends since I was freaking out really bad. After chatting with one friend, I made way to the gym to clear my mind. I put my anger and frustration into my workout. As I was getting ready to leave the gym, I was laying down and stretching. I started crying and got into my car real quick.

I wasn’t myself for quite a few days. I felt like how I did when I was admitted to the hospital back in May. I asked my close friends why is this happening to me? I really feel like the world is challenging me and I’m in this never ending nightmare. I’m trying so hard to get my health in check. I care and I’m making the effort. I freaked out on one of my close friends crying and screaming that I don’t want to die and how I don’t have a boyfriend, not married, don’t have a house, fucking nothing. I screamed saying how all I have is my health which is true. I yelled at her telling her how I had every right be cry and to be upset because she tried telling me not to cry. I was really mean but you can’t blame me. In that moment I felt absolutely alone and scared. I tried to keep this news away from my parents but it was impossible. I freaked out on my parents and told them what happened and how scared I am. In my parents eyes, they see me as fearless and for them to hear me say that I’m actually scared of something was a huge concern. I didn’t want my mom to freak out and think it’s her fault in any way, but she had called to try to calm me down and told me that I had nothing to be scared of. She’s a brace woman and I really don’t know how she can do it. I tried so much to calm myself down and to not think about it but how can you not freak out about potentially have this disease? It’s not like I have a cold or a bruise.

I had gone to temple because I felt so hopeless. I really felt like no one can understand what I’ve been through in regards to my health and that’s fine. No one can fix it. Not even myself. When I lit some incense and kneeled down to pray, I started crying. I was begging for help in my prayers and to be okay again. I begged for everyone else in my life to be okay. I’ve never been so emotional at temple until that day. I spent quite some time there because it was comforting for me. Before I left I got my Chinese fortune stick reading. I try not to take those things too seriously but if you were me you’d do it, too. I had my dad translate it to me and it basically said you will go through suffering, but you have nothing to worry about and you will be okay. For once I really hope that shit is true.

I’ve been trying my best to stay active and occupied. Business as usual. I’m cringing for the call from the doctor. I really hope that I’ll be okay. I just need this one moment for something good to be on my side. Just this one time.

Yesterday I got my blood work done and I’m really scared for what my results will be. The night before I kept telling my parents to go light some incense and pray for me. I told my mom to light the entire container of incense and pray hard for me. She laughed as well as I did, but I was serious. I will meet with my doctor next week and as my appointment date gets closer I feel so much anxiety and stress. I keep hoping for good news since I’ve been busting my ass in taking care of my health. I’m getting frustrated with taking my medication and sometimes I get really frustrated with my meals. Not like what I’m eating is entirely terrible but I’m pretty much confined to a eating schedule. It’s annoying, but I’m used to it. I try my best to look on the brighter side of things since I am seeing progress. I’ve lost 10 lbs this month, which is pretty awesome. I work out 5-6 times a week so I better be losing some weight!

Yesterday I also found out that my boss is leaving and his last day is next week. W-T-F? I feel so left in the dark about this news. The worst part is that I will literally be the only designer now. My boss did some design work part time while managing as well. He mentioned to me that we will need to talk about me being the sole designer. My stress level went up even more. I look at both sides of it. It’ll be a great opportunity to step up and lead, but at the same time I want to be with a team of DESIGNERS, not ENGINEERS. It’s really tough and I don’t know if I want to stick around for that battle. My boss is great, extremely supportive and it was refreshing to have that again. This is literally like deja vu when my previous boss at my last job quit. Seriously, c’mon now. I kinda went into panic mode and decided to update my resume immediately which surprisingly didn’t take too long. I’ve transferred my work files to my personal computer and made a list projects from work to add to my portfolio. I guess I’m preparing myself to jump off this boat if I have to. I was browsing at jobs via LinkedIn and elsewhere. Thing is I don’t want to quit and start a new job elsewhere…only to quit again because I want to move out of state. Ugh…I really hope I don’t get fucked over, but I’m keeping my guard up.

With all of these things occurring, I realized that I need to take time off from work. I’m waiting for how my doctor’s appointment will go next week to determine if I should reward myself with mini getaway or not. Mentally I feel stuck and lost…as if something is missing and things aren’t feeling right. I need a break and need to disconnect. For now, I will have to keep it simple and tonight I treated myself to some frozen yogurt, in bed with a sheet mask and ready to binge watch some tv.

I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time and realized that I’m becoming a bit comfortable with certain things and I don’t like it. I want to get out of this comfort zone. I’m really craving for change in my life and maybe it’s time to say goodbye to California. It’s been a lingering thought for quite some time and just not sure how to go about the changes that I want to make. I mean I know what I need to do, but I want instant gratification. I wish I could literally just leave like right now. However, the idea of moving anywhere isn’t on the top of my list of priorities at the moment. I have to get my health in better condition before I can even think about moving. It sucks but I have great doctors and medical help right now. To have to look for a new doctor in a new place already sounds like a pain in the ass.

Sometimes I go back and forth with staying in California or moving out of state. I think of the pros and cons and ughhh…so many decisions! Might stay for another year or 2 and then leave. Who knows? My living situation is great and I work a great job, which I’m sure they wouldn’t mind me relocating elsewhere. I got very lucky in those situations and I feel like I’ve done well enough in my career so far that I’m ready to explore elsewhere. As for my social life, I’ve made a few friends here and then there’s a couple of Boston transplants from home that I see here and there. If I move again, I’m scared of being lonely. Sounds stupid but I think I’m still a bit traumatized when I first moved to Cali and how incredibly shitty people here were to me. I don’t know if I’m mentally and emotionally ready to deal with that kind of crap again.

Despite having a great job and whatnot, I just don’t feel so happy with my location. I’m just kinda over the things here. It’s been nearly 4 years since I’ve been here. That’s kind of a big deal for me to stay put in one place for that long. Back in Boston I moved around a lot and I didn’t mind. I need a change of scenery and perhaps the good old Pacific Northwest is calling my name. For now, I’m just frustrated with myself and I want to get my health in a better already. I know there’s progress and this is a journey for me, but hurry the fuck up already! My health comes first before anything else and I just want to kick the shit out of this disease. I shouldn’t let this be a set back for me, but unfortunately it is.

I want to start over and be happy again.

I had a bad day where I was just this emotional mess. It’s my fault for bottling a lot of it up inside but then again I was really trying my best to be strong, positive and to keep things moving. During my most recent follow up appointment with the doctor, I’ve been meaning to ask to get a 100% confirmation for my diagnosis. What my previous doctor told me was incorrect and this doctor that specializes in what’s wrong with me confirmed it was something else, but it wasn’t too far of a stretch for what the actual diagnosis was. I remember sitting on that table fighting back tears as I continued to nod my head and acknowledge that words that he had said to me. He described to me the difference between the two things and what my primary diagnosis is. I took in every word that he said the let that sink into my mind. Afterwards he told me that the goal is to help me get stronger and that I’m currently on the right path.

Despite the bad news ending on good news, I couldn’t shake off the exact medical terms for my diagnosis. I remember leaving that office feeling so numb with those words continuously running through my mind. I teared up only a tiny bit once I got into my car, but I tried my hardest to put my emotions on the side since I had to get back to work. This wasn’t entirely new news to me, but it was like a part 2 to getting this type of news after narrowing it down to what it is. Anyways, I had to stay focused on my work and didn’t want this to distract me. Yet as the days went by it became a huge distraction since I was creating a really large void. I really didn’t want to acknowledge the issue myself. I was still in a huge amount of disbelief that “fuck, why me?”.

I haven’t slept well because it’s constantly on my mind and plus I’m in pain so that’s not a helpful reminder either. I’m scared that I’ll wake up with worst symptoms. Not sure what even triggered me to start crying so much today about it, but I guess I really needed to let it out. All of it. In so many ways I wish for the physical pain to go away. I wish this shit never happened to me. I wish my parents and friends from home were physically here. I want someone to hold my hand during this difficult time for me. I haven’t told anyone since I don’t want to freak anyone out. I’m sure at some point I will, but for now I’m still processing it. I know I’m on the right path to healing, but throughout the day I realized I have to live with this and it’s going to fuck me up as I get older. That’s the extremely terrifying part of it all. It’s going to gradually tear me apart. I’m scared for what will happen to me as I age and I can’t stop it. I’m angry with myself that I can’t fix it permanently.

I don’t want to drown myself in this sadness. Right now it just feels like deja vu when I got my first diagnosis from the first doctor. So to be told bad news about your health AGAIN isn’t that great. I just want to be okay. I’m letting this all out so tomorrow will be a new day for me to continue to keep things moving.

I’ll be 100% honest. I haven’t done ANY work at all last week. Seriously, throw my laptop at me please. Well I took Thursday as a half day and I took Friday off to get some rest from my recent medical procedure and legit slept all weekend, too. I’m struggling with snapping myself out of this depression. Despite me failing on accomplishing any work, I’ve been taking minor baby steps to help myself crawl out of this hole. I dragged myself out to get basic errands done like grocery shopping and what not. Bought myself some flowers to arrange for my desk at home since I love doing this but also to uplift my attitude a bit.

After getting as much as I can during the day, I went to SF on Friday night to catch up with a friend who is an old colleague from my last team. This guy is has been a great friend as well as a mentor to me and with how I currently feel, it was good timing to meet up over dinner with him. He gave me some really good advice and was very encouraging per usual. I had plans to go see Alina Baraz perform after dinner, but had lots of time to kill. We walked to get some donuts and chatted more. Being in his company was just refreshing and it was comforting to know that I wasn’t the only one in a rut about our design career. When we got our donuts and walked towards the venue I gave him a big hug goodbye. I felt so comforted when we hung out and I really needed that talk and hug.

Going to the Alina Baraz show wasn’t too bad. I had bought these tickets 2 months ago because I really wanted to see her live and I had a feeling I’d feel down when I came back from Boston. However, I got really pissed off because stupid fobs were being loud and obnoxious. This one fobby guy decided to sit right in front of me and blocked my view entirely. I just yelled at him and told him to move the fuck out of the way. Every time I kept trying to record something, this fucker kept getting in my way and I yelled at him again and was like “are you fucking for real?”. I ended up moving because fucking fobs are just inconsiderate as fuck. I seriously hate snobby ass entitled fobs. I know it sounds ignorant, but their mannerisms…SMH! I wouldn’t have to curse anyone out if they had better manners. Anyways, after moving my seat I was finally able to chill and enjoy the concert. It was a good night.

I was going to attempt to do some work over the weekend but I went back into instant vegetable mode. Ugh… Granted I was getting some rest since I was still sore from the medical procedure, I was just extremely unproductive and a mess. Yesterday I finally tried to do some errands, but I really just wanted to go back to bed and stay home. I didn’t want to interact with anyone at all. As the time went by, I was dreading the upcoming work week and having to deal with the shit project that I am still on. I went to bed feeling like I was going to get a lot of crap from whoever for whatever reason. It’s an unsettling feeling.

This morning I took my time to get myself relatively productive. Checked my work email from my phone in bed and cringed every second as it was all loading. One email that stood out was an email from my boss with the subject title “Your Review”. I thought to myself, “FUCK…”. Back in January we had to complete a self-appraisal and this is the time I was expecting to hear something back from my boss, but didn’t realize it’d be this informal. When I opened up the PDF to see my review, I was relieved that it was all good news. I have a few things to improve, but regardless I was happy to see that I’ve been doing well. It definitely put me in a much better mood today after reading that email. However, I’m still struggling with getting into the right state of mind of getting work done. I have my work all laid out, but I just keep staring at the screen aimlessly. I tidied up my room a bit instead, which is the last thing that I should be doing.

With the good news from today, hopefully tonight I’ll be able to get some of that work done.

I can be pretty empathetic with most people when it comes to them talking to me about anything. Then there’s that side where I can be a cold bitch and be really blunt about things but that’s a rarity. I only get like that if you are really pressing me with just redundant bullshit. I’ve been quite stressed out dealing with my own shit and I have my way of dealing with it. Granted we all have shit that we’re dealing with and that’s just life. I think everyone is totally entitled to vent just to get it out of their system and that’s fine, but don’t come to me for a pity party because I’ll just be mean and give you a dirty look.

My colleague at work who is in her 50s has her own set of issues. Her topics of discussion can range from Trump, God and her marital issues. All topics that makes me want to bang my head against my desk. Plus, golden rule is to never talk about politics and religion with people. I didn’t mind being a lending ear here and there, but she pushed me pretty hard when she tried to get me to go to church since she’s Christian. Seriously, WTF? I have respect for all religions, but fuck off and respect mines as well. I’ve had a pretty bad experience where an ex-friend of mines tried doing this shit to me which led me to flip out on him and kicked his ass out of my car. That’s how mean I can be. But this lady is pretty sensitive and I have to deal with her at work so I’m not going to go bat shit crazy on her. That moment made me very uncomfortable and it just made me look at her in a different light from then on.

Next thing she tends to talk to me about is her sister who happens to have leukemia. Despite the diagnosis that her sister and my mom has is entirely different, I know how hard it is. It’s a very stressful and difficult to deal with especially to know that your loved one is sick. From day one of my mom’s diagnosis I’ve never treated her like a cancer patient and I never made the situation about me because it’s not about me EVER. However, my colleague keeps making her sister’s disease about HER. Seriously, I should slap you for being so selfish. She had plans to go to Hong Kong to take care of her sister and prior to me leaving to go to Boston to take care of my mom, she came over to my desk venting and started crying. At this point I’m pretty anxious and stressed out myself. The last thing I need is for someone to come at me with this boo hoo bullshit. I calmly said to her that “I get it that it totally sucks to see your sister hurting, but imagine the shit that she has to deal with and the on going treatments that she has to go through. You are still able to drive your nice BMW, go out to eat a nice meal, go shopping, work a great job, etc. It’s seriously not about you so stop it.”  At that moment, I was pretty relieved that I was going to be in the office for awhile to deal with her shenanigans and by the time I get back, she was going to be off to Hong Kong…

Until this jackass text messaged me while I was in Boston. She texted me at 3:00AM EST (12:00PM PST). I woke up really angry. She had texted me asking when am I coming back and told me she cancelled her trip and that her sister will have to go through some kind of aggressive treatment. Girl, for real?…WHY THE FUCK ARE TELLING ME THIS?!!!! I was so pissed because there she went again…making the situation about her. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Whether you like it or not how someone’s treatment is going to be, why the fuck would you let them go through it alone? This is where I’m not so empathetic with her. I would never ever ever ever ever EVERRR leave my mom alone like that regardless how serious her treatment got. It just made me so angry that she kept asking when am I coming back when really she needs to get on that plane and be there with her sister. Texting a friend is the last thing I’d be doing if I was in her shoes. I seriously fucking hate people that do shit like that. I’ve never felt so annoyed with anyone venting to me about shit but with her because I feel like she’s whining and nagging in her nice big house with her nice BMW and etc. Fucking bullshit rich people problem. UGH!

I’m starting to keep me healthy distance from her because I just can’t deal with her stupid bullshit especially for a grown ass adult. Get it together bitch. SMH…