One Life

Another great video by Wong Fu Productions. I thought this video was beautifully shot and I like the concept a lot. It reminded me of the decisions I’ve made for my own life. For the longest time I felt like I wasn’t really living my life. No matter how many great moments I shared with family and friends back at home, I was never satisfied. I craved for that sense of fulfillment in my life and I guess all it took was for my to leave my hometown. Sounds like such an easy task, but I really had to build up that courage and say fuck it. I got tired of sitting in the backseat watching everyone else chase their dreams and accomplish their goals. I was proud of them yet I was very envious to see them live so freely. I was pretty independent prior to my move, but that didn’t mean shit. I was always putting my life on pause for others especially for my parents. Their approval meant a lot to me and of course they disapproved for me leaving so far to such an unfamiliar territory. I was always kinda scared to rebel back when it came to the topic of me moving out of state. I was always bold, didn’t listen and did whatever I want. Although there were definitely boundaries so I wasn’t entirely a total wild child just doing whatever the fuck I wanted lol.

Looking back at my life nearly 4 years ago, I was a fresh college graduate. I fought so hard to stay in my field because I was so passionate about my career. I couldn’t fathom the thought of doing anything else other than design. Being in California now, I definitely feel I have potential to grow to where I want to be in my career. Not to sound overly cocky, but I’m determined. It still til this day blows my mind that I just kinda up and left haha. But I’m glad I’ve been able to have endured this experience and to share this story with anyone now or in the next 20 years. During an interview a potential employer asked me where do I see myself in 10 years. Shit, I didn’t even know in 5 years I’d see myself moving out of Boston lol. I really have no idea where I see myself in 10 years. I’m hoping to accomplish a lot more in the next 10 years and really be where I want to be. Honestly it kind of freaks me out to even think about what’s gonna happen in the next several years. I don’t wanna get too ahead of myself. I do have things I’d like to accomplish but I haven’t necessarily given myself deadlines for these goals. Well, maybe a couple haha.

I’ve definitely come a long way for the person I’ve grown to be and who I was back at home. Sometimes I kind of miss certain aspects of my life and “that” type of person I was. Yet at the same time I’m trying my best to embrace the person I’ve become since I’ve been here. It’s kinda help me to stay a bit more grounded and it actually reminds me of how I was when I was reallyyyy young. I think that’s the person I’ve been trying to bring back for a long time but I’ve been so distracted. It’s nice to know the old me is still there no matter what I’m trying to do with my life.


Bad Days

An epic Google+ Hangout session with great friends. I love them!!
An epic Google+ Hangout session with great friends. I love them!!

These past couple of days haven’t been the greatest. I’ve been confiding in my friends from back at home and I am beyond thankful to have such amazing people in my life. Today was just a horrible day. It was a domino effect of bad luck. Although shit kept falling apart after another, they were there for me throughout the day. They picked me up when I needed it the most. I have to say I definitely hit rock bottom today. I was a total wreck and it upset myself even more to have my friends witness the state I was in through via Facetime, Skype and hearing the sadness through the phone. Every time after a conversation ended with a friend, my attitude got a bit more positive ….until the funk hit the fan and rain on my parade. I get it. Shit happens. We all struggle. I’m at a very low point in my life. I know I’ll bounce back and be okay. I just feel like there’s a problem no matter which corner I turn to. I’m trying my best to steer clear of the path of depression, but I find myself closer to that line. I’m scared. I’ve already gradually seen the funny and weird self withering away. That just kills me. Some of my friends that I haven’t seen or spoken to since my move has noticed a change in me during our video chat session. They’re worried and try to comfort me in any way they can. I guess I can’t hide it anymore. Shit, even I can see all the sadness in my own eyes. I’m losing myself. They’ve noticed a change in my health, personality, everything. They’re my friends so they know me the best. I could never hide anything from them no matter how hard I tried.

I’m taking the time to breathe and figure out the solutions than to meander about the problems that I am dealing with. I need to take better care of myself that’s the first step. I’ve been neglecting my health which obviously isn’t a great thing. I’m just so exhausted and overwhelmed from everything where I just want to curl up in bed and sleep. I just don’t know what else to do but to just give my mind a break on my pillow. I’ve finally pulled myself together and drove myself to Starbucks to get some fresh air and a hot beverage to comfort me. I just need some clarity. After arriving to Starbucks and getting settled into my seat at the outdoor seating area with my green tea latte, I got to read something my friend sent me. It definitely was refreshing and uplifting to read it. Here’s the link to what my friend sent me: click here.

I know that during this difficult time I know I can count on my friends. Their love and support has definitely helped me get through today. I have to say that I am truly one lucky girl to have these people in my life. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I Will Succeed

I’m at such a fork in the road in my life right now. The job search continues to be a struggle as the job market is quite sluggish at the moment. I lay in bed every night with so many scattered thoughts in my mind. It’s a very uneasy feeling for me and my body has gotten used to this tense feeling, mentally and physically, that it’s gotten harder for me to destress and relax. It’s taken a larger toll on my health, which elevates the stress even more. I’m constantly trying to figure things out. Trying to strategize and devise a new plan as for what step to take next. I’m overwhelmed, scared, and disappointed. I know I have to be patient and keep things moving forward, but at the same time I’m considering my other options here in the west coast.

People have asked me on a number of occasions if I’ve given myself a deadline due to my current situation. The answer has been no. Although I have thought that a 6 month deadline for myself seems appropriate. I’ve come to a realization maybe I’ve made a wrong move. Maybe I’m in the wrong area. I’ve thought it over and as much as I don’t want to, I’ve considered moving again. Back to the east coast? No. I’m considering a few places that will remained unnamed for now, but we’ll see. I can’t rush into any conclusions. There’s already so many things running through my mind. I need to think things through and be cautious of my next move.

The love and support I get from family and friends from back at home on a daily basis has been very endearing. Yet from a distance it can only provide a certain amount of comfort momentarily. I see myself slowly shutting down on people. I’m tired of reassuring those back in the east coast or even my one friend here that I’m okay. Truth is I’m really not. I see that I’m losing a piece of myself everyday and I’m trying to hold onto it all before I lose myself entirely. I need to relax and tell myself to be patient. I’m much more irritable now and the positivity is gradually going down the drain. I’m very hard on myself and it’s just how I am. I go to bed every night feeling like a big disappointment to not only myself, but to my parents and friends back at home.

I hate having to discuss with anyone of how my job search is going. It puts me in a horrible mood and to be unemployed for almost a year has really mind fucked me so bad. I’ve been doing whatever I can to discipline myself again and really get shit cranking. I attend design events where I can network with other designers in the area as well as to gain some motivation and inspiration. I’m sad because I feel like a tiny bit of me is losing the passion I once had. I know it’s still there but not as strongly as before. I’m doing my best to stay driven and determined. That’s my worst fear …to lose that passion. I can’t allow that to happen.

Like I’ve mentioned to friends and others before, I feel like I am one of the very few people that can say that they truly and genuinely love their job. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I love every project that I’ve had an opportunity to work on, big or small. I take pride in my work and it’s the most rewarding “pay check” to me. An actual pay check or any kind of salary is just a bonus to me. That’s the mentality I’ve always had when it came to design. I don’t question my career at all. I know this is what I want to do and I’m just here fighting for what I want. I’ve gone through struggles in my career at the beginning and I’m reliving it all over again due to the fact that I had relocated.

I need to come to terms that change is what I wanted, so change is what I got. This is a part of the whole relocation process. I’ve sacrificed a lot and given up everything back at home to be here. Not many people will understand that feeling. I try my best to see this experience as a fresh start in my personal life and for my career. I’m a stubborn woman and I need to accept this change. As you can tell, change isn’t something so easy for myself to accept.

Anyways, enough of the ranting. I had to get it off of my chest. Time to haul ass and grind out new projects. I will succeed and go visit the east coast when I’ve accomplished my goal. For now, travels to the east coast or anywhere in general will be held off. Can’t reward myself if I haven’t achieved anything…yet.