Uncertainty

I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress as if I haven’t emphasized that enough in many blog posts. Many people don’t know besides a few people. It’s not something I enjoy talking about or sharing with anyone, but I’m writing this post to vent as usual. This stress has been mainly work related. Long story short my company had gotten acquired a couple months ago. This acquisition can go either way. It can either hurt or better the company and the employees. For me it’s been hurting me. After we received the news about the acquisition there was already a bit of uneasiness lingering around the office. A month after the news arrives, there was a big layoff in the company. During that same day I received the news that I might not be working there any longer as well. I cried in front of my boss as he had to be the bearer of bad news to me. He’s a great guy and this wasn’t his decision. Although during our discussion I learned that there’s a 50/50 chance that I could probably stay. I chatted with my boss as well as with my team as to what we can do to save our team or mainly myself and another person on my team. We carried our discussion to a nearby bar and just kept the drinks coming since it was a horrible day for everyone at the company, especially for those that were let go. I legit drank for several hours straight hoping the liquor would provide some sense of comfort, but who was I kidding? I was panicking and grew even more emotional as I was sorting through my mind for various solutions. The main solution I wanted to avoid was to look for another job. I love my team genuinely and I love the work we do. It’s a big attachment I’ve grown working at this company. As I’m even typing this I’m getting a bit teary eyed because I’m still so sensitive to this entire situation.

My team was very comforting as I was still absorbing the news. It was hard to concentrate because I was so in my feelings and lost in my thoughts. I didn’t want to talk to any of my friends or especially my parents about this news. Of course I eventually shared the news with them and I dreaded every question they asked and tried to change the topic as much as possible. I confided in a close girlfriend of mines who is practically like a sister to me. She was very empathetic and understanding. I simply told her every detail and told her that I just don’t want any questions asked. She was very respectful of that and I appreciated it. There’s so many questions that are still unanswered. My boss can’t even answer them either because he doesn’t know. Plus, he’d tell me any updates and wouldn’t hide anything from me anyways. There’s just been so much lingering uncertainties these past couple of months. It’s gotten harder for me to sleep. I wake up every morning hoping for good news and I continue to not let this bullshit bog me down. I need to continue producing work, but it’s hard to stay focused without your mind drifting and wandering.

Recently as promised by my boss, he tried to save my ass by discussing with the executives. I still have no idea of how that even went. My colleague on my team that I work closely with shares with me any new updates that he’s discussed with my boss. I greatly appreciate their support and having my back regardless of what’s going to happen in the next several weeks. But as the weeks are nearing, that amount of stress and how emotional I was during the beginning is coming back to me again. It’s really hard on me and I’m continuing to stay quiet about it to my friends. This is why I’ve opted out of attending certain events in the upcoming months. I can’t enjoy myself with this uncertainty. I don’t know what’s going to happen and it freaks me out because it’s so unpredictable. Going to SoCal was fun, but I still thought about my work situation.

The past two weeks has gotten even harder for me. I’ve had people reach out to my about opportunities, but I’d ignore the calls and delete the e-mails. I’ve been open and honest about not finding another job until I get a solid answer about my current job. But some impatience kicked in. I received an e-mail from a great start up and was hesitant on replying. I let that e-mail sit in my inbox for 2 days and during those 2 days I would stare at it. Eventually I replied, got asked to share some of my latest work, and had scheduled a call. My call was in 2 days and prior to the call during those 2 days, I felt like absolute shit. I felt so awful for replying to that e-mail because I felt as if I turned my back on my team and my boss. Yet at the same time I went into this survival mode where I needed to protect and prepare myself in case anything happened. After I got that call over and done with, I felt extremely relieved and that guilt disappeared. Despite it being a great opportunity, I don’t really care if I got the job or not. I still want to stay working with my current company and team.

I remember coming into the office the day before I had my call. I was really quiet and the guilt kicked into overdrive as I was surrounded by my team. I had a hard time focusing on my work. Luckily there wasn’t too much on my plate to complete, so I decided to go for a walk and plus I didn’t have my morning coffee intake. I decided to go for a walk to the flower mart nearby my office. Along the way I stopped to get a coffee. When I got to the flower mart I browsed at their selection as I enjoyed my coffee and had my headphones on. It was very relaxing and therapeutic. Of course I couldn’t leave without purchasing anything. Peonies are my favorite and the purchase cheered me up a bit. I went back to the office feeling slightly okay again. Later that evening we had some whiskey. Long story short, my boss created a whiskey lounge and if you’re a whiskey lover then come join for a tasting and share what whiskey you’ve got hidden in your desk drawer. When we sit around sipping on whiskey in this nice space in our office, it’s very Mad Men-esque. This was our second tasting and we had a lot more newcomers join us. It was fun sharing hilarious stories and just not giving a fuck. For a moment as I was sipping on my whiskey I realized how awesome a lot of people are in my company. We’re all supportive of each other and people actually give a fuck about each other here. Over the weekend I treated myself to a new book. It’s been awhile since I’ve read a Haruki Murakami book since he’s one of my favorite authors. Last night I decided to watch a movie by myself and Avengers: Age of Ultron was a great choice. I’m a big Marvel fan, random factoid. But doing those little things helped provide some comfort. My mind wasn’t as fixated on my work situation anymore. I can only cover up the stress for so long, but that’s okay. This is just how strongly I feel about my career. It’s not just a paycheck and a job to me. It’s being able to work with an awesome team, having a boss that not only supports you but respects you and to cohesively work together to make great design work. That’s what it’s mainly been about and to lose that will really upset me.

I’m trying to make myself feel better. For now I’m only continuing to crank out great design work, enjoy my time with my team and to continuing hoping for the best.

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Mental Clarity

San Jose Municipal Rose Garden

The past couple weeks has been very stressful and emotional for me. With all the things that were happening, it was nice to finally have some company. Last Monday I had decided to work from home. I wasn’t ready to put myself back into the office and I’m glad I chose to work from home instead. One of my old colleagues who recently moved and was once my neighbor had contacted me to grab lunch. It was nice to get away from my computer and out of the house to never ending orders of beer and sake on a Monday afternoon. Both her and I needed it. It was nice to vent to someone that understood how things are at my company. I had chosen to remain offline the remainder of the day after lunch. It was much needed. I wasn’t going to force myself to attempt to do any work when I was still in a funk.

Later in the week friends from Boston were in town visiting. It refreshing to see a familiar face during this stressful time. As exhausted as I was from work and commuting, I sucked it up to grab dinner with them 2 nights in a row and to take them out. It was the least I could do. Plus, I hardly ever go out so I might as well take advantage while I have visitors around. I felt like my old self again joking around with my friends and having great conversations. That was something else I craved for so much during this stressful time. I wanted a piece of home so badly to cheer me up. It reminded me of how my lifestyle in Boston used to be. To dine out or grab drinks after work with friends and it didn’t matter how long our days were. We always looked forward to being in each other’s company. That’s what I miss the most.

Saturday afternoon I got a surprise call from friends from Stockton, CA that were headed to San Jose. I was excited to see them since it’s been quite some They had asked me to join them in getting their engagement photos taken. I wasn’t so thrilled on getting dragged around nor was I in the mood to mingle with their photographer/friend, so I told them to hit me up when they were done. All I wanted to do that afternoon was to lay out in the sun at the rose garden here in SJ and do nothing besides people watch, read, and tan since it was really hot out that day. It was nice and peaceful at the park. It’s one of my favorite places here in SJ to just chill. It was perfect. Eventually I met up with my friends and we grabbed dinner. It’s always nice to catch up with them since I hardly ever see them.

Overall, seeing all these people this past week has been really great. I needed to socialize again and be around some good company. I think there’s only so many Facetime/Skype sessions I can have with friends now. I need that physical interaction with friends. I don’t want to stay cooped up in my room with all of these thoughts and stress. I finally feel like I was able to let go of a lot and to clear my mind. I feel much more relaxed. Anyways, I have 2 remote colleagues that will be in the office this week, which I’m excited. That means the whole team will be in the office and we’re going to have a pub crawl in honor of St. Patrick’s Day. I can’t wait. I feel better good again. It was nice to disconnect myself from my computer this weekend (well, besides right now writing this post haha) and to have good company around during this stressful time. I’m ending the week with a bomb sushi dinner and a good book. 🙂

Distracted

 

SucculentsMoon & Stars

 

There’s been a lot happening work wise. It’s causing a lot of stress for me and I’m finding it harder to concentrate on work especially with the most recent incident. I’m very sensitive and emotional right now. I took some time the past 2 days to just disconnect myself and to do nothing. I just wanted to stay away from my computer. After my meeting on Friday afternoon I realized that I’m not all there during our design review and not doing my work right. I need to clear my mind and not let that situation affect me too much, but it’s hard not to.

I was chatting with a close girlfriend on Friday night, who I look up to as a big sister. I told her about the situation and I just needed to vent. I didn’t want questions to be asked to add onto my emotions and thoughts. I wasn’t looking for words of encouragement or sympathy. I just wanted to say whatever I needed to say and call it a day. I felt relatively better again and decided to sleep it off during the remainder of Friday night. Plus, I needed to catch up on sleep since I’ve been working non stop.

No matter how hard I’m trying to redirect my focus on something else, the discussion I had with my boss keeps crossing my mind. It weighs heavily on me. I highly appreciate his respect for me not only as a designer, but as an individual. He got to witness how truly passionate I am about being a designer. He told me that I’m very humble and loyal to my team and that is why he loves me being an asset to the team. It was refreshing to hear that throughout the past 5 years of my career, that was the type of acknowledgement I’ve always sought out for. I will forever be grateful to him for letting me achieve what I wanted to here in Cali. It makes me pretty teary eyed and choked up just thinking about it all. Only a few people can understand this side of me when I get so emotional about design. I take my career extremely serious.

Yesterday I had received my 50mm prime lens in the mail. I’ve been eyeing it for awhile, but held off since I wasn’t as active with my camera lately. I finally purchased it since I realized that I definitely can’t go on vacation or travel anywhere any time soon, so this was a gift to myself for working really hard. So yesterday I was playing around with it and still getting adjusted to it. I went on a little photo adventure last night, which was pretty relaxing. I realized that I need to do this more often. It distracted my mind from everything and the calmness of the night helped as well.

Anyways, I’m currently at my usual Sunday spot to do work. I woke up in a good mood, ready to crank out some work. So far it’s been a fail. The web app that I use to access the wireframes I need to look at for my work isn’t loading properly. It’s frustrating to keep refreshing that shit and nothing appears. Then there’s a fricken high school jazz band playing literally right in front of me. WHAT THE FUCK?! I just want to do my work. Maybe these are all signs that I need to turn the computer off and go relax and enjoy myself. So I suppose I’ll have to turn this fucking computer off and read. For now, I’m beyond annoyed by this fucking jazz band.

Feel It All Around

Washed OutFeel It All Around 

You feel it all around yourself
You know it’s yours and no one else
You feel the thought of learning again
It’s all around
You’re tired of all the things you did
You’ll work it out

You feel it all around yourself
You know it’s yours and no one else
You feel the thought of learning again
It’s all around
You’re tired of all the things you did
You’ll work it out


This is one of my current favorite chill songs at the moment. I got to see Washed Out perform this song at Treasure Island Music Festival last year and I remember how relaxing it was. The sun had already set, I’m in this crowd of people just mellowing out to this song and the lighting was nice. It was very soothing. I never looked into the lyrics until now. You kinda wonder what they’re saying despite how great the beat is and all.

Today I found myself at the cafe 10AM – 6PM doing work non stop. I was going to stay longer, but I had to unplug my eyes from the screen and turn off my computer. I had barely eaten anything and was running on one latte I had ordered. I’m overworking and not taking care of myself either. I was offline from work for almost 2 days because I wasn’t feeling well. My body was aching and I had the chills. I was going to be pretty mad at myself if I got sick just because I wasn’t taking care of myself. I’ve been progressively getting more headaches the past few weeks, which really sucks especially when I’m trying to think and concentrate on my work. After I got home from the cafe and forced myself to have dinner followed by a long hot shower, I felt a bit better again. Sometimes I just want to lay in my bed with my eyes close to give my eyes a break. I’m being really hard on myself and I have to stop. Even my boss told me I need to take care of myself and to take it easy.

After my shower, I laid in bed thinking about where to go. As mentioned many times, I need a damn vacation. I really wanted to get out of Cali and fly somewhere, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. I might keep it local since it seems the most convenient. I’ve considered on going to a hot springs resort in Ukiah, CA, which is somewhere near wine country. A couple of my colleagues has mentioned it to me before since they’ve gone plenty of times and it sounded amazing. Maybe I should take advantage of it and go. I’ve looked into two resorts so far, but will have to ask my colleagues tomorrow for more suggestions and advice. I think it’ll be a good trip by myself as well as disconnecting myself from everything: technology and people. All I want to bring with me is my camera, a book and my Moleskin notebook that I always carry with me. As much as I hate being by myself or spending a lot of time alone, I just need to clear my mind and to try to gain better focus on my life again. I think it’ll be good to throw my ass in nature for a hike and to have my first hot springs experience. I’m actually pretty excited just thinking about it. Hopefully I’m able to book some thing for the dates that I have in mind!!

Not Okay

I’m not okay. I don’t want to talk to anyone about what’s wrong or to talk in general. I’m having a really bad mental breakdown and I’m trying my best to get a good grip of it. There’s a million things piling up in my mind and to find out that yet ANOTHER ex got married doesn’t help. Why is this shit happening to me? It made me feel like I’m going nowhere in my life. I hear and see everyone else enjoying their life while I’m here by myself doing nothing. I’m so unhappy and I really am trying my hardest to make myself feel better. I just feel very low right now in my life and I shouldn’t, The stress and pressure that I’ve been feeling is taking a large toll on me. I kinda feel as though I’m trying to fulfill others’ needs, but my own. I put my own happiness aside for everyone else and I’m tired. I’m not just “sad”. There’s so much more to it and I feel so misunderstood. I try to take things day by day, but I don’t feel any better. I just feel that sometimes all of this unhappiness is going to drive me crazy. I’m having a difficult time digesting a lot of information and shit that I’ve been dealing with lately.

 

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Much Needed Vacation

It’s been a struggle for me and my finances just like it is for many people out there. I’m trying to play catch up with everything and a lot of it has to do with being unemployed for a year. That’s what’s killing me right now. I recently felt like I was in a good place and really keeping up with budgeting my finances, but recently I’m getting bombarded with bills for left to right. It’s causing me so much stress and difficulty sleeping at night because I worry a lot. Lately I’ve been getting these really bad headaches and I blame it on the stress. I don’t have anyone helping me. My friends either has their spouse or parents helping them out. I don’t want help from anyone nor am I some kind of charity case for you to throw money at me. My parents has offered, but parents will be parents. I don’t tell them about my salary or the bills that are racking up on my end. I’ll tough it out like I have been. I’ve always been independent and it’ll remain that way.

While I maintain my notes on my finances on a weekly basis, I was really hoping that I could take a real vacation this year and I got a bit excited, but it doesn’t look like I can. I don’t understand how people that do or don’t make much money can go on so many trips constantly in a year. I make pretty good money at my current job. I don’t shop a lot either. I mainly spend my money on gas, parking for work and groceries. That’s it! Like I said I’m trying to make up payments for the one year I was unemployed. It honestly fucking sucks. A LOT! What really makes me mad is when you say you’re broke, but you’re traveling everywhere or somewhere. For real, don’t even come at me with that kinda shit because you’re definitely not broke if you can do that shit. If I can treat myself to sushi or to buy myself succulents or a book, that’s the closest to a “vacation” that I can get.

It really does bother me that my first and last real vacation was back in 2008, which was a cruise trip to Bermuda. It’s been 7 years since I’ve gone on a real vacation. Yes, I’ve been able to travel to a couple of places during the weekends in the past, but that’s not a vacation. I used to think those were vacations because getting away somewhere was better than nowhere. But I’m reaching to the point where I need to get away from work and life for a week to really relax. Not many of my friends can understand this, especially when they ask me to go with them. I don’t care how cheap you try to make the trip budget friendly. It’s still a set back for my bills and that’s one of my biggest priorities. I don’t want to come back from vacay and back into reality to know what’s been leftover on my tab. It gives me anxiety.

I guess I’ll have to wait next year for my real vacation if that’s even possible. I’m just so burnt out and tired of being tired, stressed and worried. This fucking sucks so fucking much. Argh!!!

Lingering Unhappiness

I’m unhappy, but I believe there’s a lot than just being unhappy. My state of mind isn’t in the right place. With all of the recent occurrences, I’ve found myself in this depression. I want to shut everyone out because no one understands. I don’t want to explain myself nor do I want to share “what’s wrong” with anyone. I don’t even want to talk. I just want to stay quiet. I haven’t been in this position in awhile. I remember I last felt like this when I used to live in Boston. Now it’s caught up to me. There’s a large amount of stress that weighs so heavy on me. I feel like I’m in the backseat watching everyone’s life play out so gracefully and I look down at my own and I’m not moving. This was how I felt in the past. I didn’t think I’d feel this way ever again. I thought I had let go of all those horrible emotions. I hated feeling the way that I did and I hate it a lot now. There’s nothing anyone can say or do to make me feel better. I continue going about my life doing my daily activities: going to the gym, reading at a cafe, finding local events, etc. I don’t feel satisfied doing any of these things. I feel like I’m just doing it to fulfill this developed routine.
 
What made me feel worst is to hear the sadness in my dad’s voice. When I had asked him what was wrong he kept trying to avoid answering my question. Finally he told me he feels unhappy that his family is broken. I immediately put the blame on myself. My heart sank so fast and I resisted the tears as I tried to cheer him up with a joke or two, but that wasn’t any good. If I never left for California, I could physically be there to fix things. I could be there for everything. I feel like a very bad daughter for living so far away from home. All I’ve been wanting to do is to provide for my family and I feel like I’m failing. I’m very disappointed in myself and I worry constantly as to how to make things better.
 
All day yesterday as I went about my Sunday activities, I just felt really sad. I even went to temple hoping that’ll straighten me out, but nope. Last night I went to sleep in hopes that I’ll feel better in the morning since I would be back in the office after working remotely from home for the past 2 weeks due to the holidays. I believed that surrounding myself in my work environment along with my boss and team would snap me out of this. I woke up at 5:00 AM, an hour earlier before my usual time laying there in my bed wondering when these feelings and thoughts will go away. I arrived into work only realizing being in the office around my colleagues is a way of masking everything.I don’t think anyone really understands how much of an impact being in California by myself has changed me. I want to feel better again. I really just want to be happy.