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I had talked to this guy a month ago very briefly and long story short, we reconnected again recently. We were both clear as to what we’re currently looking for since I didn’t want to waste my time. As we got to know each other, it was refreshing to meet someone like him. He’s intelligent, handsome, very respectful, sweet and kind. I haven’t met someone like him ever and there was something about him so charming. However as we were kicking things off, I had told him that I’d basically be busy all of September. I was busy with work and had plans, as well as traveling to Boston for 2 weeks and I’d be busy the last week of September once I got back. I felt bad but made it clear to him what my schedule was like so it didn’t make me look like a total flake.

We’ve been in touch on a daily basis and it was nice talking to someone that wants know how my day was. He’s so smart and just the way he carried himself was extremely attractive to me. It was a lot of little things that drew me closer to him. Since being in Boston, I was looking forward to spending time with him when I got back and to take a break from the text messages and phone calls. I felt connected to this guy in some ways due to similar past experiences such as moving to Cali. It was really sweet and cute how he would ask when I’m coming back. That feeling of being needed and wanted to some level felt so nice.

However, my heart sank pretty deep last night. He had mentioned about having depression at one point and that didn’t turn me off. It only wanted me to be there even more for him, to support him and to be there in anyway that I can. Last night he had texted me mentioning how he had a terrible day and was on his way to his group therapy session. I told him to reach out to me anytime if he needed to talk. Well he definitely took advantage of that. He pretty much told me he wasn’t in the right state of mind to be dating due to his depression and how severe it was getting. I felt incredibly sad for him and wishing that he’d get better. The selfish side of me was disappointed that this wasn’t gonna go anywhere and I even told him too.

It’s not his fault for this not working out but I do feel very crushed. Dating is incredibly difficult in this digital era with heavy loaded social media platforms. It’s so hard to come across any type of authenticity nowadays. I met a nice guy and unfortunately it’s not going to work out. I really do hope he gets the help that he needs and that he’ll be okay. I am genuinely concerned and told him that even though things aren’t working out for us doesn’t mean I can’t be there for him. I’ve also mentioned that if he needs his privacy I will totally back off and respect his privacy. Right now I’ve backed off to not only respect his privacy but for me to detach myself from this great guy.

Why do these bullshit things happen to me? It’s not only unfair to me, but unfair to him. I’m just really bummed out.

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During the month of March, I had barely blogged at all. As mentioned in previous posts I’ve been extremely busy with work and I was really heads down in my work along with dealing my POS manager. It’s been bad on my end that I haven’t really kept in touch with friends, besides my parents which is an obligation. This is how much work has taken over my life and I’m at fault for not setting those boundaries. Things has gotten really hard for me at work and it’s just been a total nightmare, which is why I’ve partially shut a lot of people out. I just didn’t know how to deal with all of the chaos. Granted my workload has lightened up a bit, which has been a huge relief and that’s not what’s making work a bad place.

Primarily I have a huge issue with my POS manager. She’s made it very difficult for me to work with her, not just myself but for the rest of the team. She’s created a negative work environment, which has led me to work from home a lot more now. It’s just an overall really unhealthy work situation right now. Every time when I was coming into the office, I’d end up crying and the arguments with the POS increased. The POS has caused me a lot of emotional distress at work and I can’t handle it anymore. That’s why for my own sanity, I’ve forced myself to work from home more often and it doesn’t help that she sits right next to me either. No matter what I did, she would constantly hound me and give me a hard time, even though I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just minding my own business and doing my work. I’ve been open and honest with her like I’ve always been with the rest of my team, but reality is she’s the biggest Type-A, narcissistic, cunt that I’ve ever met and there is no way to rationale with her because once again she’s the biggest cunt that I’ve ever met in my life. I don’t use that word often, but she’s definitely earned that title now. Congrats girl!

My team has witnessed her being a POS to me and they don’t understand why she’s riding me so hard. Shit, I’ve been nothing but helpful and supportive of her and the reality is I don’t have to give a fuck, but I would hate to see this team fall a part because of her under qualified skills as a manager. Thankfully, my team has been very supportive of me during this stressful and rough time at work. When I had worked from home to get away from my manager, my colleagues were very kind to check up on me to see how I was feeling. I told them that I’m in a very fragile and emotional place right now where I just can’t come in as often as I used to be. I was starting to cry at home because I was that emotionally distressed. I absolutely hate crying in front of anyone or letting anyone see me being upset, but I’ve just been that sensitive. Two weeks ago I had an absolutely horrible day. I was very angry with her and was crying because that’s how frustrated I am because she’s constantly interfering with me getting my work done. I definitely lost my shit that day and I was really blunt with her during a one on one meeting with her. I straight up told her that I’m unhappy because she’s been discouraging and unsupportive due to her lack of respect and trust in me. Of course since she’s such a POS she just sat there staring at me like deer with headlights.

At that moment, it really made me realize I need to leave this job ASAP. Folks that I mentioned my situation to has been telling me to leave, but I’m that dedicated that I was fighting to stay. But now, I really don’t give a fuck anymore. I was very relieved that my trip was coming up that week. I really needed to get away from my manager, anything work related and to see a familiar face. I wanted to go home badly and I was very thankful that my close girlfriend, M who is like my sister came along with me to Seattle. A couple days before the trip, I had the chance to Facetime with M and I was balling my eyes out from that horrible day. I was looking forward to seeing her and to be in the comfort of her presence. During my trip I felt so relaxed and it was the first time ever in a VERY long time that I felt that relaxed. I didn’t think about work at all or the emotions that were attached to work. I had a great time with M and felt like my old happy self again. I haven’t felt like that in a long time and it made me realize that it’s truly time for me to move onto other prospective opportunities. I can’t continue to stay and deal with this bullshit. All I want to do is to collaborate with others and create kick ass design work. That’s all I want to do and I just don’t see that happening anymore at my current work place.

It’s sad that it’s taken me so long to realize it, but that’s how devoted I am to my work and my team. It saddens me to move on elsewhere since my team is filled with the most awesome people that I’ve ever met here in Cali so far. There’s so much that I can learn from them and it makes me upset that I have to leave just because of my bullshit manager. They’re the most intelligent, talented, hilarious and of course kindhearted people that I’ve met in Cali. I know they’re supportive with my choice to leave and I am grateful for their support as mentors to me and as friend. For now, it’s not easy to just up and leave this job since I got bills to pay, but I am currently working very hard to update my resume and portfolio this weekend so I can seriously get the fuck out. I pretty much came back from my trip with this “fuck this” attitude and I’m glad I came back that way. On Twitter, I follow a designer who posted something about “May1Reboot” and I was intrigued by the post and looked more into it. So pretty much May 1 is the deadline for designers (and non designers) to come together as a community to update their portfolio or whatever they want. It’s a time to really renew yourself and to come together. For me this was great motivation so I am aiming to get my shit together by May 1. Here’s the link if you want to check it out: http://www.may1reboot.com/

Apologies for the long post, but that’s what I’ve been up to.

It’s never good to go to bed angry or upset, but tonight I am. I spoke to my mom tonight and we came across the discussion of how her recent visit to the doctor’s went. Long story short, she needs to start exercising. She was being stubborn and laughing it off while feeding me bullshit excuses. I started getting really mad after I tried to encourage her and tell her how important it is. But nothing I said mattered which really upset me the most. She even quickly hung up on the phone with me because she didn’t want to continue the conversation. I want the best for my mom or for anyone in my life. I know with old age comes health issues, but I don’t want her to deteriorate so quickly. That really breaks my heart and I wish she took this more seriously.

I’m sad and frustrated about my mom, but I’m really mad at myself. I’m mad that I’m so far away and can’t be there to take care of my parents. When moments like these occur, I go into a mode of where I just think so negatively about myself for moving here. I gave up everything for my career. I know I can’t be there for my family or friends like I used to and that upsets me even more. I love taking care of everyone around me and for them to be okay, even if I’m not. I used to put all of these people ahead of me while I put my life on pause because I want to help and protect everyone. It’s something that I need to learn how to balance and to overcome the guilt.

I just want my mom to be okay and to live as long as possible.

 

SucculentsMoon & Stars

 

There’s been a lot happening work wise. It’s causing a lot of stress for me and I’m finding it harder to concentrate on work especially with the most recent incident. I’m very sensitive and emotional right now. I took some time the past 2 days to just disconnect myself and to do nothing. I just wanted to stay away from my computer. After my meeting on Friday afternoon I realized that I’m not all there during our design review and not doing my work right. I need to clear my mind and not let that situation affect me too much, but it’s hard not to.

I was chatting with a close girlfriend on Friday night, who I look up to as a big sister. I told her about the situation and I just needed to vent. I didn’t want questions to be asked to add onto my emotions and thoughts. I wasn’t looking for words of encouragement or sympathy. I just wanted to say whatever I needed to say and call it a day. I felt relatively better again and decided to sleep it off during the remainder of Friday night. Plus, I needed to catch up on sleep since I’ve been working non stop.

No matter how hard I’m trying to redirect my focus on something else, the discussion I had with my boss keeps crossing my mind. It weighs heavily on me. I highly appreciate his respect for me not only as a designer, but as an individual. He got to witness how truly passionate I am about being a designer. He told me that I’m very humble and loyal to my team and that is why he loves me being an asset to the team. It was refreshing to hear that throughout the past 5 years of my career, that was the type of acknowledgement I’ve always sought out for. I will forever be grateful to him for letting me achieve what I wanted to here in Cali. It makes me pretty teary eyed and choked up just thinking about it all. Only a few people can understand this side of me when I get so emotional about design. I take my career extremely serious.

Yesterday I had received my 50mm prime lens in the mail. I’ve been eyeing it for awhile, but held off since I wasn’t as active with my camera lately. I finally purchased it since I realized that I definitely can’t go on vacation or travel anywhere any time soon, so this was a gift to myself for working really hard. So yesterday I was playing around with it and still getting adjusted to it. I went on a little photo adventure last night, which was pretty relaxing. I realized that I need to do this more often. It distracted my mind from everything and the calmness of the night helped as well.

Anyways, I’m currently at my usual Sunday spot to do work. I woke up in a good mood, ready to crank out some work. So far it’s been a fail. The web app that I use to access the wireframes I need to look at for my work isn’t loading properly. It’s frustrating to keep refreshing that shit and nothing appears. Then there’s a fricken high school jazz band playing literally right in front of me. WHAT THE FUCK?! I just want to do my work. Maybe these are all signs that I need to turn the computer off and go relax and enjoy myself. So I suppose I’ll have to turn this fucking computer off and read. For now, I’m beyond annoyed by this fucking jazz band.

I’m not okay. I don’t want to talk to anyone about what’s wrong or to talk in general. I’m having a really bad mental breakdown and I’m trying my best to get a good grip of it. There’s a million things piling up in my mind and to find out that yet ANOTHER ex got married doesn’t help. Why is this shit happening to me? It made me feel like I’m going nowhere in my life. I hear and see everyone else enjoying their life while I’m here by myself doing nothing. I’m so unhappy and I really am trying my hardest to make myself feel better. I just feel very low right now in my life and I shouldn’t, The stress and pressure that I’ve been feeling is taking a large toll on me. I kinda feel as though I’m trying to fulfill others’ needs, but my own. I put my own happiness aside for everyone else and I’m tired. I’m not just “sad”. There’s so much more to it and I feel so misunderstood. I try to take things day by day, but I don’t feel any better. I just feel that sometimes all of this unhappiness is going to drive me crazy. I’m having a difficult time digesting a lot of information and shit that I’ve been dealing with lately.

 

What the fuck is wrong with me?

It’s been quite some time where I’ve felt unmotivated to socialize or to date. I used to be the biggest social butterfly back at home, but now not so much. I carry this “I don’t give a fuck” attitude with me ever since my first horrible interactions with people here. I find myself being a bit awkward because I don’t know what to say or I don’t care to really respond to you. I act this way just because I know my interaction with whomever won’t be long lasting so why put so much effort, if any? I’m very selective in who I choose to surround myself with. If I get any weird or bad vibes I’ll just ignore you. If we click or if I even like you, I’ll talk up a storm. It does come off a bit snobby, but as I said I don’t give a fuck.

I’m just tired of having to repeat “my profile”. I’m Connie, 27, moved from Boston, currently reside in San Jose, I’m a designer, etc etc. I’m so sick of having to tell the same story over and over and over and over again. It even annoys the shit out of me to have to tell someone my story. I used to be able to carry a conversation with anyone without having to tell them my background because that didn’t matter. Now I get a bit quiet and standoffish. I’m just bored having these repetitive conversations. Yes, I know it’s a part of getting to know someone, but at this point I should just pass you a quick fact sheet about myself so I don’t have to tell you haha. However, I do think there’s a point where I need to try again, but the thought of it all I dread it so much.

Last night I had gone out to dinner with two of my colleagues along with their significant other as well as another couple. This left me to be the 7th wheel. Prior to arriving to the destination, I was already dreading on going and it wasn’t the fact that there were going to be only couples. That I didn’t know until I had arrived. I’ve just gotten used to my routine of hanging out by myself on a weekend. I had forgotten what it was like to go out to dinner and drinks with friends. So I forced myself to get ready and out the door and to just suck it up.

I had a good time and I’m glad I went, but the one part that ruined it for me was when it came down to paying the bill. Each couple paid for themselves, which left me to pay for myself which is obviously expected. I was ready to tuck my card in the tab until my colleague’s boyfriend had said I shouldn’t pay as much since I was by myself. The last two words that came out of his mouth really stung: by myself. I felt myself cringing and at that moment I had realized why I almost didn’t want to come out. I know there was no harm in him saying that, but for me it meant something. I’m not mad at him or anything, but it just made me feel as if he reassured that fact that I am single and “by myself”. It’s not a great feeling. I’m horrible at hiding my emotions so I’m sure it was written all over my face that I felt like shit when he said that. I got extra quiet and tried to act okay.

I felt like I shouldn’t let that moment make me take several, not a few, steps back to me becoming social again, but it kinda did. I’m very sensitive to shit like that. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’ve changed in so many ways after living here, emotionally and mentally, and a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’ve spent so much time alone. It’s really hard for me and not many people get it. It’s a lot of baby steps for me to work myself up to that social level that I used to be at back in Boston. I’m quiet and I just observe. I wasn’t really like that in the past. It took a lot for me to put myself in a group last night like that and now I feel like hiding again. I get so uncomfortable with large groups. Once again, I wasn’t like that in the past.

I miss the old me and it saddens me a lot that I’m not that person anymore.

During a Skype date with my parents the other night after work, I was hoping my parents won’t bring up marriage to me. I totally jinxed myself. I just brushed the whole topic off because I didn’t know what to say to them anymore. But honestly, marriage has been heavily on my mind lately along with several other things. I’m gradually seeing a lot of my friends getting engaged and it freaks me out that I’ll be the single, old lady. I don’t want to be that woman, but I’m not going to force anything with anyone just to get wifed up. For me it’s a lot more than to be with your significant forever. It’s about building your own family with that person and much more. I want to be married. I want to have children. I want to have it all. Sometimes when I’m out at my usual Sunday spot reading and I see a family spending time together, I’m so envious of that. I feel very sad for myself yet so jealous of wanting what they have. I’m not the kind of girl to want materialistic items. I’m very simple minded. So, to be married with children would be the most priceless thing I can ever have and nothing can top that.

What really persuaded me to write this entry is discovering that a long time ex-boyfriend of mines is getting engaged…to the girl he cheated on me with. That was an even bigger slap in the face for me. Not only did we share many years together or have all this history, but to know he’s marrying the girl he left me for made me feel even more worthless. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. I had another ex-boyfriend that cheated on me for a long time crush. They eventually got hitched as well and I felt like I got stabbed in the heart so many times. This is like deja vu for me all over again. It’s hitting me harder than it did several years ago. It’s most likely because we had a much stronger history than the other ex. Just because I’m upset about it doesn’t mean I want to get back with the ex. I had loved him so much and a part of me wondered “why not me?”. He was my last serious and long relationship. Can you blame me to feel the way that I feel knowing he’s marrying the side chick? I’m just very hurt. With all of the other things I have going on, this was the last thing that I wanted to even hear.

Am I this much shitty of a woman that no man wants me and I’m not wifey material? I hate having this horrible luck with men. That’s why I haven’t tried dating lately. It’s exhausting. What is wrong with me?