It’s been a week since I was with AA after we spent a few days together. I am currently back in Boston visiting family and friends. While I’m enjoying my trip, I’m starting to really miss AA. When I left him and then heading to Boston, I did think of him but I didn’t miss him. I wasn’t really bummed out or anything. There’s moments when I’m trying to focus on my work but I’m distracted by thinking of him and BAM he’ll text me. Weird how things work out. This is the second distinct moment where I’m finding myself constantly thinking of him. I think of the little things when we were spending time together. It’s just this certain feeling that I can’t describe.
I feel like I haven’t been with a proper guy in forever (or probably ever) and this is going to sound super dumb, but is it normal for me to feel this way? I’m seriously a total idiot when it comes to relationships since I’ve been super disconnected with men and relationships for so long. I’m smart at my job, but clearly outside of that I’m a total doofus haha. I miss him and I hope to spend time with him again soon when I come back. He makes me happy, safe and comfortable. I’ve never felt like this before with any guy especially the safe and comfortable part. I’ve never been so open with close friends and even not so close friends where I’m telling them about a guy. I just want to tell everyone about him. Not by any means to brag, but to let people know how amazing he is. Once again, is this normal? lol. As much as I miss him and want to see him soon, I don’t want to rush things. I want to give each other enough space where we can miss each other like this.
Not sure if I’m all the way here in Boston and he’s back in Cali, but I’m really feeling that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
What has he done to me? Who am I? lol…
They say it’s best to never go to bed upset and whoever said that is right. I can’t sleep due to feeling so down. Yesterday I had a pretty great day. It was fun and it was nice to go out like that since I’m such a huge homebody now. I was having a great time until my friends (husband and wife) and I went out for drinks. This is where it goes really downhill…
My friend’s husband is such a nice guy. Really great guy and has good intentions. While we were sitting down enjoying our drinks and chatting, he says to me “I have a question for you…”. He asked away and then followed up with “okay I have a second question…”. My friend (his wife) told him no more questions but if you’re telling me you have another question you might as well tell me. He asked me what type of guy am I into and questions in regards of my dating life. I was really surprised and kinda taken back by him asking me this because it’s not like I’ve ever said anything about setting me up with someone that they know or anything. We discuss a bit about this and this is where it really goes downhill. Like real fucking down…
I got super choked up and started tearing up as I tried to gather my words out. I simply said, “you know with so many past failed relationships and bad luck with dating, I’ve come to terms that I’m such a flawed person and that I’m meant to be alone. I know I am a good person but I’m just not meant to be with anyone and that’s something that I’m learning to accept.” I almost started crying pretty bad after saying all of that. Even typing out that makes me really teary eyed again. My friend smacked her husband’s arm and called him an asshole. It wasn’t his fault nor his intention to make me cry. It’s something that I’ve come to terms with and honestly it’s probably the most sad shit I’ve ever said especially out loud. Who wouldn’t feel bad to hear anyone say that? I’d feel awful if I heard any of my friends speaking like that. After that I reassured him that it wasn’t his fault and that it hurts to say something like that about yourself. During the drive home, I cried all the way home. I felt my heart breaking into so many pieces. Since coming home I’m just a mess.
It is what it is. Clearly it’s something that I’m still working on accepting. I don’t deserve anyone’s love except for the love from my family and friends. I’m glad my friends have found their significant others but it’s just not in the cards for me. “Meant to be” no longer means anything to me. I’ve lost a lot of hope due to past failed relationships and meeting shitty guys. I truly don’t believe in a good man (for me that is). I don’t believe that the right time will come. I don’t believe I’m meant to be loved unconditionally. I know all of this is so negative but it is the truth. I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad for me nor am I expecting words of encouragement. As much as I want to believe and to be hopeful, I’m just not. I was once a hopeless romantic and it’s just not there anymore. That’s probably the part that makes me the most sad.
I am a strong and independent woman but even the strongest person has their vulnerabilities and this is it. I just want to get some sleep and wish this sadness went away quickly. I hate feeling this way.
I’ve been pretty heads down with work lately. I’m focused on building a strategy of success for my team and how I can help in any way that I can to make things better. I’ve had the chance to meet my design idols, who’s book I was currently reading, and I’ve had great discussions with them as well. They helped me see things in a different perspective and it’s changed me in some ways in how I operate. It’s helped pave this leadership path that I am on. They were just super inspiring people that I’ve met and it has made a pretty large impact on my career. By no means am I trying to become a manager or a director. However I do see myself as an influencer…if that’s the right term to use. I’ve immersed myself in design books where it speaks a lot about leadership and whatnot, and I’m loving it. I spend 2 hours towards the end of my work day to read as much as I can. There’s just so much information that I’m trying to absorb and to take into action.
A few weeks ago my friend had this girl’s night dinner and it was fun. My design idol showed up too which left me foaming at the mouth lol. I wanted to get to know her more since she really is such an amazing person both in the design community and outside of that. Our discussions varied on so many things and oddly we can all relate to whatever was being discussed. Anyways, at the end of the night I realized how diverse this group of women are yet we were all on the same page. There were major age gaps between us, different occupations, mothers, wives, singletons, etc. It was just such a strong group of women to be around especially during that time where I felt so down about the guy, I really needed this.
I’ve thought a lot about where I’m standing now and where I was just a month ago. To some degree that cut is still open a bit and I’m still hurt. I am much better today in a sense where I’ve been able to lead and pretty much kick ass where I need to. I am proud of my efforts and my dedication in what I need to get done especially for my career and my team. I know this might happen again since I still have doubts, but I don’t ever want to be in that position again where a guy has made me feel like that. It was a lot on me and it was so draining. It has been quite some time where I had gotten that vulnerable for someone and it was just too painful for me. To even say out loud to him and even my close friends, “I like you” was a huge deal for me. It takes a lot for me to even say that since I’m quite selective in who I even crack the door open for. He made me feel so terrible as if he slammed that door so damn hard in my face. It was too much for me. I’ve built my walls back up to shield myself because I can’t allow this to happen again. At least not right now. I am so focused and I can’t be distracted. I need time to trust again and I need to protect myself.
I had talked to this guy a month ago very briefly and long story short, we reconnected again recently. We were both clear as to what we’re currently looking for since I didn’t want to waste my time. As we got to know each other, it was refreshing to meet someone like him. He’s intelligent, handsome, very respectful, sweet and kind. I haven’t met someone like him ever and there was something about him so charming. However as we were kicking things off, I had told him that I’d basically be busy all of September. I was busy with work and had plans, as well as traveling to Boston for 2 weeks and I’d be busy the last week of September once I got back. I felt bad but made it clear to him what my schedule was like so it didn’t make me look like a total flake.
We’ve been in touch on a daily basis and it was nice talking to someone that wants know how my day was. He’s so smart and just the way he carried himself was extremely attractive to me. It was a lot of little things that drew me closer to him. Since being in Boston, I was looking forward to spending time with him when I got back and to take a break from the text messages and phone calls. I felt connected to this guy in some ways due to similar past experiences such as moving to Cali. It was really sweet and cute how he would ask when I’m coming back. That feeling of being needed and wanted to some level felt so nice.
However, my heart sank pretty deep last night. He had mentioned about having depression at one point and that didn’t turn me off. It only wanted me to be there even more for him, to support him and to be there in anyway that I can. Last night he had texted me mentioning how he had a terrible day and was on his way to his group therapy session. I told him to reach out to me anytime if he needed to talk. Well he definitely took advantage of that. He pretty much told me he wasn’t in the right state of mind to be dating due to his depression and how severe it was getting. I felt incredibly sad for him and wishing that he’d get better. The selfish side of me was disappointed that this wasn’t gonna go anywhere and I even told him too.
It’s not his fault for this not working out but I do feel very crushed. Dating is incredibly difficult in this digital era with heavy loaded social media platforms. It’s so hard to come across any type of authenticity nowadays. I met a nice guy and unfortunately it’s not going to work out. I really do hope he gets the help that he needs and that he’ll be okay. I am genuinely concerned and told him that even though things aren’t working out for us doesn’t mean I can’t be there for him. I’ve also mentioned that if he needs his privacy I will totally back off and respect his privacy. Right now I’ve backed off to not only respect his privacy but for me to detach myself from this great guy.
Why do these bullshit things happen to me? It’s not only unfair to me, but unfair to him. I’m just really bummed out.
Last month I was talking to this guy R. I was a bit iffy about him because he is a year younger than me. Not a drastic age gap at all, but I’ve always had a thing with not dating someone my age or younger. In the past I’ve dated 2 guys that were younger than me, and yeah…no bueno! So when R came along I wasn’t that thrilled but gave him a chance instead of being this “ageist”. Conversations were as expected from talking to someone younger than me, but gradually things got a little bit better as we got to know each other. He went from a 2 to a 5 on my scale out of 10.
With the craziness at work and I really hate to use the “work card” as an excuse, but for real I had a lot on my plate. I valued my sleep more than talking to R lol. I know it sounds mean but if you don’t want me to be grumpy and mean, then let a girl catch a break and rest. Our conversations were getting really boring anyways. Constantly asking me the same shit on a different day. I just didn’t want to participate in that kind of conversation if you already know the answer, ya know? Our schedules conflicted as well, which made it hard for us to hang out. Over that brief phase I was getting bored with R and got totally turned off by something that he said, which definitely added to my lack of interest in him.
I said something back to him and he just took it as a joke. At that moment, I started ignoring his text messages. Laugh at that fucker. I don’t play like that. He followed up with a text message after trying to laugh the conversation off. From my end, no response. The next day another message. Nothing from me. Then another day. Still nothing from me. Then YET AGAIN another day, still the same shit. You’re clearly an idiot if you’re not getting the picture already. I was very straight forward in my last response to him before I started ignoring him. It just became so laughable how he kept texting me everyday and practically talking to himself. Honestly, I don’t give a fuck.
I told my close girlfriend about this and she thought I was being mean and to give this guy a chance because he could be a “good guy”. I disagreed. If he wasn’t being a jackass and was more mature, I wouldn’t be this way so too bad haha. I explained to her how he could potentially be a good guy for me, but I don’t have the time to deal with someone else’s emotions. Shit, I can barely get a grip onto mines with the stress that I’ve been dealing with. At a point before I started ignoring him, I did feel like I was stringing him along and I felt bad. For what? I honestly don’t know. Maybe to have some company because things has been so hard for me and it’s been lonely dealing with it all on my own. Maybe I just needed someone to talk to that wasn’t just one of my friends. Whatever it was, I’m okay with ending communications with R. I was actually going to bring this up to him when we last talked, but too late.
I don’t feel like this was a loss for me at all, but when I’m being firm about something don’t take it lightly. I just really don’t play that bullshit.
James Bay – Let It Go
I heard this song for the first time some time last week during my commute to work. I generally rely on Spotify for my music needs, but the one time I turned on the radio in my car for once a song I like. I’ve been listening to this song on repeat a lot. For whatever reason I find this song a bit oddly comforting. I really like this guy’s voice and the way the guitar is played in this song. I could probably listen to the instrumental to this song all day and do without the lyrics since that’s the part where it makes me sad.
I didn’t think too much into the song after listening to it over and over again. After having those lyrics repeated over and over again in your mind, it kinda got to me and something clicked. I got kinda sad for a brief moment just suddenly thinking about PC. I haven’t thought about him in quite some time nor have we spoken in a very long time. Thinking back to how things once were between him and I, I miss the sweetness of it all and that’s what made me sad. I wondered what could’ve happened if things did ever work out. Would anything have ever been resolved between us? A bit of my upcoming trip added onto the feelings. For that very brief minute, I wished I could see him during my visit. But the reality is, I have no plans to ever get in touch with him, but I do hope all is well on his end.
I’ve been pretty upset for the past 2 days. Bad timing for me to even feel this way since I am absolutely slammed with work this weekend. Have you ever wished for things to just work out and you don’t want to talk about it out loud or as much because you’re afraid you’ll jinx yourself? It’s how I feel right now. Perhaps I’m overthinking it all, but I can’t help it. I tried to not think about it as much but I just started to feel even more anxious by the minute. I confided in friends for their opinions, but that only made me feel a tiny bit better. The longer I had bottled up all of my thoughts and emotions inside yesterday, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I had decided to get out for my own sanity sake, which only resulted in me crying.
As I was about to park my car I had a total melt down. I started crying so hysterically in my car, my face into my palms and wondering what was wrong with me. I am being hard on myself and I am so vulnerable right now. Sitting in my car for awhile last night and crying was the absolute worst feeling I’ve dealt with in awhile. I felt so alone in that moment thinking about everything. I thought about how I’m in my late 20s, soon to approach my 30s and haven’t been able to maintain a solid relationship in awhile. When I said those things to my friend she had totally understood how I felt and why I could be overthinking. I’m not forcing anything to happen. I’ve been allowing things to fall into its own place, but why can’t that one aspect in my life come together? This is probably why I try to drown myself in my work so I can protect myself from feeling this way.
I had gone to bed early last night just wanting to sleep off all of these emotions, but that didn’t really help. I dragged myself out this morning so I can get work done, but it’s been hard to focus. I need to pull myself out of my emotions and snap out of this shit. I just can’t help but to think about myself crying in my car last night. It’s something that should never happen to anyone.
Tomorrow will be a better day.