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Last month I was talking to this guy R. I was a bit iffy about him because he is a year younger than me. Not a drastic age gap at all, but I’ve always had a thing with not dating someone my age or younger. In the past I’ve dated 2 guys that were younger than me, and yeah…no bueno! So when R came along I wasn’t that thrilled but gave him a chance instead of being this “ageist”. Conversations were as expected from talking to someone younger than me, but gradually things got a little bit better as we got to know each other. He went from a 2 to a 5 on my scale out of 10.

With the craziness at work and I really hate to use the “work card” as an excuse, but for real I had a lot on my plate. I valued my sleep more than talking to R lol. I know it sounds mean but if you don’t want me to be grumpy and mean, then let a girl catch a break and rest. Our conversations were getting really boring anyways. Constantly asking me the same shit on a different day. I just didn’t want to participate in that kind of conversation if you already know the answer, ya know? Our schedules conflicted as well, which made it hard for us to hang out. Over that brief phase I was getting bored with R and got totally turned off by something that he said, which definitely added to my lack of interest in him.

I said something back to him and he just took it as a joke. At that moment, I started ignoring his text messages. Laugh at that fucker. I don’t play like that. He followed up with a text message after trying to laugh the conversation off. From my end, no response. The next day another message. Nothing from me. Then another day. Still nothing from me. Then YET AGAIN another day, still the same shit. You’re clearly an idiot if you’re not getting the picture already. I was very straight forward in my last response to him before I started ignoring him. It just became so laughable how he kept texting me everyday and practically talking to himself. Honestly, I don’t give a fuck.

I told my close girlfriend about this and she thought I was being mean and to give this guy a chance because he could be a “good guy”. I disagreed. If he wasn’t being a jackass and was more mature, I wouldn’t be this way so too bad haha. I explained to her how he could potentially be a good guy for me, but I don’t have the time to deal with someone else’s emotions. Shit, I can barely get a grip onto mines with the stress that I’ve been dealing with. At a point before I started ignoring him, I did feel like I was stringing him along and I felt bad. For what? I honestly don’t know. Maybe to have some company because things has been so hard for me and it’s been lonely dealing with it all on my own. Maybe I just needed someone to talk to that wasn’t just one of my friends. Whatever it was, I’m okay with ending communications with R. I was actually going to bring this up to him when we last talked, but too late.

I don’t feel like this was a loss for me at all, but when I’m being firm about something don’t take it lightly. I just really don’t play that bullshit.

James BayLet It Go

I heard this song for the first time some time last week during my commute to work. I generally rely on Spotify for my music needs, but the one time I turned on the radio in my car for once a song I like. I’ve been listening to this song on repeat a lot. For whatever reason I find this song a bit oddly comforting. I really like this guy’s voice and the way the guitar is played in this song. I could probably listen to the instrumental to this song all day and do without the lyrics since that’s the part where it makes me sad.

I didn’t think too much into the song after listening to it over and over again. After having those lyrics repeated over and over again in your mind, it kinda got to me and something clicked. I got kinda sad for a brief moment just suddenly thinking about PC. I haven’t thought about him in quite some time nor have we spoken in a very long time. Thinking back to how things once were between him and I, I miss the sweetness of it all and that’s what made me sad. I wondered what could’ve happened if things did ever work out. Would anything have ever been resolved between us? A bit of my upcoming trip added onto the feelings. For that very brief minute, I wished I could see him during my visit. But the reality is, I have no plans to ever get in touch with him, but I do hope all is well on his end.

I’ve been pretty upset for the past 2 days. Bad timing for me to even feel this way since I am absolutely slammed with work this weekend. Have you ever wished for things to just work out and you don’t want to talk about it out loud or as much because you’re afraid you’ll jinx yourself? It’s how I feel right now. Perhaps I’m overthinking it all, but I can’t help it. I tried to not think about it as much but I just started to feel even more anxious by the minute. I confided in friends for their opinions, but that only made me feel a tiny bit better. The longer I had bottled up all of my thoughts and emotions inside yesterday, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I had decided to get out for my own sanity sake, which only resulted in me crying.

As I was about to park my car I had a total melt down. I started crying so hysterically in my car, my face into my palms and wondering what was wrong with me. I am being hard on myself and I am so vulnerable right now. Sitting in my car for awhile last night and crying was the absolute worst feeling I’ve dealt with in awhile. I felt so alone in that moment thinking about everything. I thought about how I’m in my late 20s, soon to approach my 30s and haven’t been able to maintain a solid relationship in awhile. When I said those things to my friend she had totally understood how I felt and why I could be overthinking. I’m not forcing anything to happen. I’ve been allowing things to fall into its own place, but why can’t that one aspect in my life come together? This is probably why I try to drown myself in my work so I can protect myself from feeling this way.

I had gone to bed early last night just wanting to sleep off all of these emotions, but that didn’t really help. I dragged myself out this morning so I can get work done, but it’s been hard to focus. I need to pull myself out of my emotions and snap out of this shit. I just can’t help but to think about myself crying in my car last night. It’s something that should never happen to anyone.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

My close girlfriend M was staying with me recently in Cali. During her last night at my place we were having some girl talk about guys and dating. We talked about exes and the guys that I used to date or “talk” to. It was interesting to reminisce, but at the same time it made me think “what the fuck is wrong with you?”. It does bother me to an extent as to why it never worked out with some of these guys. It does kinda make me feel as if I’m a failure when it comes to guys. I remember at that moment I had said to M I feel as though with all these bad apples in my basket, I’m not meant to be with a nice guy. I don’t say that in a “boo hoo, poor me” attitude, but it is what it is. I’ve dated different types of guys and have been open minded, but for whatever reason it never works out. I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I’ve kinda given up on trying to date again. M asked what I was looking for in a guy. I want an independent, funny, caring, smart, ambitious, etc. guy, but of course those are such generic descriptions to anyone’s wants in a guy.

M was telling me about an article that our friend N and her boyfriend read. It was filled with a list of questions to see how compatible you and your significant other are. M thought it’d be fun to ask me some of the questions and I didn’t mind either. I remember one of the questions she had asked was if it would be a deal breaker that my significant other was family oriented or not. Things along those lines. Then she asked me to complete the sentence to this: “If I had to share anything with my significant other, it would be ____________.” I said, everything and M gave me this corny smile and said “awww”. But it’s true that I would share everything with my significant other.

We were then discussing about how some girls that we know are with great guys, but they’re not much of a great catch themselves. They’re lazy, unattractive, pathetic, etc. I said to M that I’m not that bad looking, hard worker, independent, funny, etc etc, yet I’m still single. WHY?! I’m just having my moment where being single sucks right now. I just want someone that loves me more than I love them. A selfish desire, but it’s what I want. I’m used to taking care of others around me as well as myself and for once I just want to be taken care of. I’m a simple girl that doesn’t ask for much, but during single moments like this it seems as if I’m asking for the world. Sighs…

I’ve been a bit lost in my own thoughts and perhaps too much. I’ve realized how unforgivable I am. A lot of it has to do with how I was in the past. Being too nice and naïve to people, letting things slide and giving out too many chances. I still can be like that with certain people, but I’m just creating excuses for them. As for people in my past, I’ve seen how good they once were and I’ve seen them turn ugly. I guess once you kinda do me wrong (not just once, but multiples times), there’s no turning back. My perspective of you instantly changes. I’m stubborn with my mind set that that is how you truly are: a bad person. I understand everyone has their flaws, as do I. I just have a very difficult time believing that people overtime will change. It’s a big contradiction on my end since I know I’ve changed a lot over the years. Depending on who you are I might give you some hope that you’ve changed for either the better or the worst.

I’ve given a lot of people the benefit of the doubt and they’ve kinda betrayed me in so many ways that there isn’t an ounce of forgiveness in me anymore to give to them. I don’t wish or hope for anything bad to happen. I’d prefer to act as if we never met and to keep it like that. I kinda go into this phase where I just gradually forget about you and maybe it’s all of the anger I have masking all of the memories I’ve shared with him/her. That’s just my way of handling things. It’s somewhat of a bad habit of mines, but oh well. A lot of my father’s stubbornness and hard headed ways has rubbed onto me as I’ve grown up.

Is it a bit unfair? No, not really. You did it to yourself, so what’s so wrong with me cutting you out? Nothing. Do I get emotional at all when I’m reminded of the good and bad times? Yeah, a little bit. I’d be lying if it didn’t affect me at all. I cared so much at one point and then an instant cut to the wire is a big jump. It’s always unfortunate to see any friendship or relationship to grow and end. A history and a bond was created between you and that person. Some bonds for me are worth letting go though. Do I dwell on these memories that I’ve shared with the people that I’ve cut out in my life? Nope. My mind is already a cluster fuck. I don’t need to dwell on past bullshit.

It is what it is.

Every woman wants to be chased by potentially the right guy. It’s flattering and exciting. As for me, I have extremely horrible luck with men. Not saying I can’t get a guy or anything. I’ve grown to be relatively selective in who I like over the years. I know what I like and what I want, but I also know that you can’t always get what you want. I’ve come to a realization that the type of men I attract are the ones I’m not attracted to and ones that are unavailable. It’s frustrating and exhausting. I hate having to give the speech as to why I’m not interested. Yes, I even have to give this stupid lecture to the unavailable men as well. So stupid…

Lets start off with the men that I’m not attracted to. It’s by no means about their physical appearance lets just put that one out there. Don’t get me wrong, I think we’re all shallow to some degree. I’ll admit that I’m a bit shallow but it’s probably a height qualification since I’m tall for an Asian girl. Anyways, I’m not attracted to them as they are attracted to me mainly because of their personality. Biggest deal breaker. I don’t care how good or bad you look, but if you’re boring as fuck or have no substance I won’t even look in your direction. By substance, I mean this person has to have goals, a career, passion, something that makes you stand out to me. We all seek for that spark in someone and that’s what I try to look for in everyone. The boring aspect is pretty self explanatory. If you can’t hold a conversation with me or anyone, don’t expect to hear from me again. Yes, it’s harsh but if I don’t want to date you and you’re that boring I don’t really want to be your friend. You have nothing on your plate to offer me but silence and maybe the ability to fall asleep faster.

Now onto the unavailable men. I hate this the most. I’ve noticed this reoccurring pattern of taken men that just want their slice of the cake, too. I am not that woman for you. I do not flirt with these men at all. I don’t dress provocatively nor do I treat them any different from my guy and even girl friends. I’ve been told I’m an easy person to talk to and I’m very laid back, but that’s not by any means a signal for “please get in my pants” or “I want you”. For any taken guy to even want to pursue anything with me while they’re still with their significant other is extremely disrespectful and disgusting. I feel disrespected to even be put in that position. I give the whole “hey, listen…” speech and make myself as crystal clear as possible. Of course these are stupid men so it goes in one ear and out the other. They tell me how attracted they are to me physically and personality wise. I don’t buy into any of it.

The more they tell me they want me, the more worthless I feel as a woman. I feel so misunderstood by these men. It’s annoying and frustrating. I’m tired of being looked at in a certain way by these taken men and just attracting the ones I don’t want. I’m honestly not doing anything to them. If I am, I’d rather it be someone that I’m relatively interested in. If they’re misunderstanding my kindness for something else then it’s not my fault. I’m nice to almost everyone but that’s because I’m polite and I have manners. Not to sound overly confident, but I don’t think I’m a bad catch at all yet I’m reeling in the ones that I don’t want at all. I have a lot to offer any man and I just haven’t met the one that’s really acknowledged my worth as woman. I work hard, independent, funny, sentimental, kind, honest, loyal, and etc. I don’t want to toot my own horn listing all of that, but are those type of qualities so bad that I can’t catch the right guy?

I’m just really tired of this. Deep down it creates a big scar the more this occurs. Like I mentioned, the more this happens, my worth as a woman decreases. Is there something wrong with me that I’m not seeing? What is it??? I just want to be genuinely loved, appreciated and respected…

Coldplay – Fix You

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you