Heart Beats

Recently I’ve just noticed a few notifications on my phone and it was about him. I tried to not think too much into it and when it happened again a couple days ago I just felt like my heart stopped and it was heavy to breath as corny as it may sound. It’s crazy for me to feel this way…STILL. It’s not like I sit there thinking about him all day but when little things pop up the feelings resurface. Last night I had a hard time sleeping because I kept thinking about him. I just couldn’t shake off this whatever you call it. In a very strange way, I miss him and I am starting to wonder how he is. So much time has passed and it’s really crazy to me how the feelings are still kinda fresh. Thinking about it now it does make me kinda sad that we no longer speak. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I really wish that we could start over again as total strangers. He gave me a lot of heartache but he made me happy. He was the last guy that I really felt so connected with and since then I haven’t had a strong connection with the guys that I’ve dated. Why can’t I shake it off? Why is he still on my mind? Literally time has passed by where I’m sure he has moved on and I’ve dated around myself. When moments like this happens where he crosses my mind, I wonder if I ever cross his mind, too. Maybe I’ve read too many books where I have this strange bit of hope for some sort of happy ending or that we’ll have some crazy way of meeting. I don’t know, but I hope he’s happy and okay. But to be a bit more realistic and to burst my own bubble, I do feel pathetic to some degree that I feel this way for him at all. Ugh…

This song always made me think of us:

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Cold Dreams

I went to bed pretty early last night since I’m trying to wake up at a more consistent time and I had a lot of things to get done today. I woke up at 3AM from having a dream about PC. I woke up feeling so confused and just got some water, shook it off and went back to bed…only to continue the  dream. Apparently we were in an apartment complex/hotel and he was staying across the hall from me and oddly my parents were in the dream, too. I was hanging out with my parents and when I opened the door to leave, I see PC across the hall. My mom welcomed him to come over, which was weird. It was really awkward. I just remember feeling so hurt and sad in that moment. PC went back across the hall and this is where I kept waking up and falling back asleep into the dream. Weird shit. I remember seeing him with some girls and I got really upset. Then he told me he was telling them how much he needed me. There was just a lot of back and forth of warm and cold coming from him. I just remember right before I finally woke up, I just felt so much coldness from him. He told me he didn’t want me and some other hurtful things. I woke up feeling really sad because it all felt so real.

It was the most bizarre dream that I’ve ever had especially about him. I’d be lying if he hasn’t crossed my mind lately. Since it is Lunar New Year, I suddenly remembered how he had texted me Happy New Year a couple years ago. I really don’t want to make a big deal about it, yet some how it is. While I was out yesterday running some errands, I just kept thinking about him. I shouldn’t care. I want to let go. So much time has passed and yet he still comes to mind here and there. FUCKING WHY?!  This is really getting to be super pathetic. At some point during my day today while I was trying to do some work, I felt so frustrated with myself for even letting these feelings and thoughts get to me since I really want to get him out of my system and that dream just really bothered me, that I started crying. I know that we’ll never speak to each other again and he has probably moved on. That’s the truth that I have to face yet throughout the hard times that I’ve been put through last year, I wish he was there. Out of all the people, I don’t know why HIM specifically. I can’t really recall feeling the way that I did for another guy after him. I’ve had people throughout my life say incredibly shitty things to me whether they were strangers or close friends, but I think the worst part was how cold was to me. To have that lingering along with his words is just plain hurtful.

I really just want to forget about him already.

Shake It Off

I’ve been struggling to sleep tonight and I have to be up on a couple of hours to drive my friend to the airport. As I’ve been laying here in bed for the past couple of hours, I can’t stop thinking about PC.

For whatever reason I thought about the time he texted me out of the blue. It was October 2014. I was at work and just hopped into a conference room about to start off my day with a morning meeting. I was sitting there by myself waiting for my boss and the rest of my team to join the meeting. I noticed my phone lit up and it was a text message from PC. He asked if I would be free sometime in November. I just stared at my phone and felt so surprised and confused. I didn’t know what to say besides staring aimlessly at the blinking text indicator mark for me to type a response back. I felt happy to hear from him yet more sad than anything. At that time we haven’t spoken in awhile so that text message caught me off guard.

Even though my meeting had started, I quickly replied with asking why. He simply said that he wanted to see me. My heart sank and at that moment I wished I wasn’t stuck in this meeting or even at work. I just wanted to cry because I was so confused. I wanted to see him but reality is we haven’t spoken in awhile and when we last did, it wasn’t on the best of terms. I responded back with telling him how I’d love to see him but we haven’t resolved anything and it wouldn’t be a good idea. There were a couple text messages after that, but I remember ending the conversation with telling him to forget about me. During that moment I felt like my heart got ripped out of my chest. Even having to type that up again in this post hurts me still. Of course I didn’t want him to forget about me, but I felt like it was the best and simple solution to everything between us. I couldn’t see any resolution for us.

But yeah, that moment is still so clear in my mind even though it was so long ago. I can’t seem to shake that thought out of my mind nor do I even know how or why that thought came to me tonight. I wish it was easy to shake these type of things off. Honestly I think my trip to Seattle rekindled so many memories for me that I thought I threw away somewhere but nope.

I really want to forget about it all even though I don’t want to. It’s doing me no good and c’mon I don’t even keep in touch with him at all. I just feel so pathetic to have these feelings and thoughts still. I guess I didn’t realize how truly heartbroken I was. When will it go away?

Past Reminders

During this entire trip, I really couldn’t stop thinking about PC. I’m glad M was able to join me on my mini getaway. It was nice to have that bonding time with a close girlfriend. During the first night of the trip, I asked her if it’s weird that I was thinking about him. She said no but for whatever reason I felt kinda funny thinking about him. As we were exploring the city each day, I thought about when we first started talking and everything that happened. Sounds weird and lame but the more we were seeing the city, it felt like a movie streaming through my mind and how I used to feel for him.

I just never thought I’d come here and to not see him at all. I remember him telling me where he would take me and showing me around. I felt a brief moment of sadness everytime M and I went to a touristy spot. It was hard to block him out because I kept thinking how it would’ve been with him. That’s been part of the reason why it’s taken me so long to come visit. I was scared that coming here would trigger my thoughts about him and make me sad. I was right. Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time with M being here with me. Since M couldn’t stay an extra day, I’ve been sad today. I felt very lonely and I just really missed him. There was some wishful thinking of us running into each other. A tiny part of me wants to reach out, but some doors are meant to be shut. We’re at different points in our lives and it’s safe to assume that he’s moved on and I need to, too.

Despite my thoughts and emotions about PC, I do love this city. A part of me is sad to leave, but it’s best that I go back to Cali and try to forget about him.

Let It Go

James BayLet It Go

I heard this song for the first time some time last week during my commute to work. I generally rely on Spotify for my music needs, but the one time I turned on the radio in my car for once a song I like. I’ve been listening to this song on repeat a lot. For whatever reason I find this song a bit oddly comforting. I really like this guy’s voice and the way the guitar is played in this song. I could probably listen to the instrumental to this song all day and do without the lyrics since that’s the part where it makes me sad.

I didn’t think too much into the song after listening to it over and over again. After having those lyrics repeated over and over again in your mind, it kinda got to me and something clicked. I got kinda sad for a brief moment just suddenly thinking about PC. I haven’t thought about him in quite some time nor have we spoken in a very long time. Thinking back to how things once were between him and I, I miss the sweetness of it all and that’s what made me sad. I wondered what could’ve happened if things did ever work out. Would anything have ever been resolved between us? A bit of my upcoming trip added onto the feelings. For that very brief minute, I wished I could see him during my visit. But the reality is, I have no plans to ever get in touch with him, but I do hope all is well on his end.

This Time

 

John Legend – This Time

Ran into you yesterday
Memories rushed through my brain
it started to hit me
now you’re not with me
I realized I made a mistake
I thought I needed some space
But I just let love go to waste
It’s so crystal clear now
that I need your here now
I gotta get you back today

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be your man
I can be all you need
This time it’s all of me.

I hit the bar everynight
Looking to score a good time
It’s not like I planned it
I’m left empty handed
‘Cause im still alone in my mind
Now what will it take to feel right
Can I come see you tonight?
Is there someone new now?
What can I do now?
‘Cause I need you back by my side.

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be your man
I can be all you need
This time its all in me.

Last time I wasn’t sure
This time I will give you more
I’m more mature
I’ll show you
Last time I didn’t know
I messed up and let you go
I need you
don’t say no.

Lying alone in this room
All that is missing is you
pick up the phone
Won’t you come home?

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be your man
I can be all you need
This time it’s all of me.


Tonight I just need to get it all out of my system and to sleep it off. I know this feeling won’t disappear overnight or anytime soon, but tomorrow is my birthday. I just want to have a good day tomorrow and to be happy.

Good night.

Pointless

Ever have those days where you feel slightly optimistic that you’re day goes well and some parts of it does until that one thing. That one thing that can mean so little to someone else but it can mean the biggest thing to you. Yup, that’s happening to me right now. I feel as if I’ve been hit by a bus or got a huge slap in the face. It sucks. You think when you’ve shielded yourself from the worst, well you clearly thought wrong. I just feel my heart being broken into so many pieces. This is only adding onto what I’ve been feeling.

I thought for the most part I’ve forgotten about you, but it seems as though you’ve beat me to it. I shouldn’t be surprised about that. I’m just hurting over here so badly. All I ever wanted was you and for things to work out. I wanted a lot of things from you that I will never get because of your ways.

Clearly I still care but at this point what’s the use?