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I went to bed pretty early last night since I’m trying to wake up at a more consistent time and I had a lot of things to get done today. I woke up at 3AM from having a dream about PC. I woke up feeling so confused and just got some water, shook it off and went back to bed…only to continue the  dream. Apparently we were in an apartment complex/hotel and he was staying across the hall from me and oddly my parents were in the dream, too. I was hanging out with my parents and when I opened the door to leave, I see PC across the hall. My mom welcomed him to come over, which was weird. It was really awkward. I just remember feeling so hurt and sad in that moment. PC went back across the hall and this is where I kept waking up and falling back asleep into the dream. Weird shit. I remember seeing him with some girls and I got really upset. Then he told me he was telling them how much he needed me. There was just a lot of back and forth of warm and cold coming from him. I just remember right before I finally woke up, I just felt so much coldness from him. He told me he didn’t want me and some other hurtful things. I woke up feeling really sad because it all felt so real.

It was the most bizarre dream that I’ve ever had especially about him. I’d be lying if he hasn’t crossed my mind lately. Since it is Lunar New Year, I suddenly remembered how he had texted me Happy New Year a couple years ago. I really don’t want to make a big deal about it, yet some how it is. While I was out yesterday running some errands, I just kept thinking about him. I shouldn’t care. I want to let go. So much time has passed and yet he still comes to mind here and there. FUCKING WHY?!  This is really getting to be super pathetic. At some point during my day today while I was trying to do some work, I felt so frustrated with myself for even letting these feelings and thoughts get to me since I really want to get him out of my system and that dream just really bothered me, that I started crying. I know that we’ll never speak to each other again and he has probably moved on. That’s the truth that I have to face yet throughout the hard times that I’ve been put through last year, I wish he was there. Out of all the people, I don’t know why HIM specifically. I can’t really recall feeling the way that I did for another guy after him. I’ve had people throughout my life say incredibly shitty things to me whether they were strangers or close friends, but I think the worst part was how cold was to me. To have that lingering along with his words is just plain hurtful.

I really just want to forget about him already.

I’ve been struggling to sleep tonight and I have to be up on a couple of hours to drive my friend to the airport. As I’ve been laying here in bed for the past couple of hours, I can’t stop thinking about PC.

For whatever reason I thought about the time he texted me out of the blue. It was October 2014. I was at work and just hopped into a conference room about to start off my day with a morning meeting. I was sitting there by myself waiting for my boss and the rest of my team to join the meeting. I noticed my phone lit up and it was a text message from PC. He asked if I would be free sometime in November. I just stared at my phone and felt so surprised and confused. I didn’t know what to say besides staring aimlessly at the blinking text indicator mark for me to type a response back. I felt happy to hear from him yet more sad than anything. At that time we haven’t spoken in awhile so that text message caught me off guard.

Even though my meeting had started, I quickly replied with asking why. He simply said that he wanted to see me. My heart sank and at that moment I wished I wasn’t stuck in this meeting or even at work. I just wanted to cry because I was so confused. I wanted to see him but reality is we haven’t spoken in awhile and when we last did, it wasn’t on the best of terms. I responded back with telling him how I’d love to see him but we haven’t resolved anything and it wouldn’t be a good idea. There were a couple text messages after that, but I remember ending the conversation with telling him to forget about me. During that moment I felt like my heart got ripped out of my chest. Even having to type that up again in this post hurts me still. Of course I didn’t want him to forget about me, but I felt like it was the best and simple solution to everything between us. I couldn’t see any resolution for us.

But yeah, that moment is still so clear in my mind even though it was so long ago. I can’t seem to shake that thought out of my mind nor do I even know how or why that thought came to me tonight. I wish it was easy to shake these type of things off. Honestly I think my trip to Seattle rekindled so many memories for me that I thought I threw away somewhere but nope.

I really want to forget about it all even though I don’t want to. It’s doing me no good and c’mon I don’t even keep in touch with him at all. I just feel so pathetic to have these feelings and thoughts still. I guess I didn’t realize how truly heartbroken I was. When will it go away?

During this entire trip, I really couldn’t stop thinking about PC. I’m glad M was able to join me on my mini getaway. It was nice to have that bonding time with a close girlfriend. During the first night of the trip, I asked her if it’s weird that I was thinking about him. She said no but for whatever reason I felt kinda funny thinking about him. As we were exploring the city each day, I thought about when we first started talking and everything that happened. Sounds weird and lame but the more we were seeing the city, it felt like a movie streaming through my mind and how I used to feel for him.

I just never thought I’d come here and to not see him at all. I remember him telling me where he would take me and showing me around. I felt a brief moment of sadness everytime M and I went to a touristy spot. It was hard to block him out because I kept thinking how it would’ve been with him. That’s been part of the reason why it’s taken me so long to come visit. I was scared that coming here would trigger my thoughts about him and make me sad. I was right. Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time with M being here with me. Since M couldn’t stay an extra day, I’ve been sad today. I felt very lonely and I just really missed him. There was some wishful thinking of us running into each other. A tiny part of me wants to reach out, but some doors are meant to be shut. We’re at different points in our lives and it’s safe to assume that he’s moved on and I need to, too.

Despite my thoughts and emotions about PC, I do love this city. A part of me is sad to leave, but it’s best that I go back to Cali and try to forget about him.

James BayLet It Go

I heard this song for the first time some time last week during my commute to work. I generally rely on Spotify for my music needs, but the one time I turned on the radio in my car for once a song I like. I’ve been listening to this song on repeat a lot. For whatever reason I find this song a bit oddly comforting. I really like this guy’s voice and the way the guitar is played in this song. I could probably listen to the instrumental to this song all day and do without the lyrics since that’s the part where it makes me sad.

I didn’t think too much into the song after listening to it over and over again. After having those lyrics repeated over and over again in your mind, it kinda got to me and something clicked. I got kinda sad for a brief moment just suddenly thinking about PC. I haven’t thought about him in quite some time nor have we spoken in a very long time. Thinking back to how things once were between him and I, I miss the sweetness of it all and that’s what made me sad. I wondered what could’ve happened if things did ever work out. Would anything have ever been resolved between us? A bit of my upcoming trip added onto the feelings. For that very brief minute, I wished I could see him during my visit. But the reality is, I have no plans to ever get in touch with him, but I do hope all is well on his end.

 

John Legend – This Time

Ran into you yesterday
Memories rushed through my brain
it started to hit me
now you’re not with me
I realized I made a mistake
I thought I needed some space
But I just let love go to waste
It’s so crystal clear now
that I need your here now
I gotta get you back today

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be your man
I can be all you need
This time it’s all of me.

I hit the bar everynight
Looking to score a good time
It’s not like I planned it
I’m left empty handed
‘Cause im still alone in my mind
Now what will it take to feel right
Can I come see you tonight?
Is there someone new now?
What can I do now?
‘Cause I need you back by my side.

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be your man
I can be all you need
This time its all in me.

Last time I wasn’t sure
This time I will give you more
I’m more mature
I’ll show you
Last time I didn’t know
I messed up and let you go
I need you
don’t say no.

Lying alone in this room
All that is missing is you
pick up the phone
Won’t you come home?

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be your man
I can be all you need
This time it’s all of me.


Tonight I just need to get it all out of my system and to sleep it off. I know this feeling won’t disappear overnight or anytime soon, but tomorrow is my birthday. I just want to have a good day tomorrow and to be happy.

Good night.

Ever have those days where you feel slightly optimistic that you’re day goes well and some parts of it does until that one thing. That one thing that can mean so little to someone else but it can mean the biggest thing to you. Yup, that’s happening to me right now. I feel as if I’ve been hit by a bus or got a huge slap in the face. It sucks. You think when you’ve shielded yourself from the worst, well you clearly thought wrong. I just feel my heart being broken into so many pieces. This is only adding onto what I’ve been feeling.

I thought for the most part I’ve forgotten about you, but it seems as though you’ve beat me to it. I shouldn’t be surprised about that. I’m just hurting over here so badly. All I ever wanted was you and for things to work out. I wanted a lot of things from you that I will never get because of your ways.

Clearly I still care but at this point what’s the use?

As you get older you definitely try your best to please your parents. Maintaining good grades, attending and graduating college, getting your first adult job, etc. Any parent enjoys seeing their child doing well and being successful. Over the years there’s been a lot of pressure from my parents. It caused so much stress in my life that I’d often break down because there was just so much weight on my shoulders and a lot of expectations to fulfill. I’ve done my best to be the daughter that I can be since I am their only daughter and baby girl. I’ve always worked hard and they see how passionate and ambitious I am. I appreciate that a lot and they respect me for what I do. As happy as I can try to make them be, they have their moments where they are unsatisfied with me. I’m sure every parent is like that with their child. I try to make sure I’ve covered every aspect in my life to make them happy. Unfortunately I have one that’s still remains unchecked: my love life.

I was chatting with my mom on the phone tonight that has left me feeling unhappy and a bit pressured after our call ended. I usually avoid talking to her because I know I’ll either get mad or upset depending on the topic of discussion. Don’t get me wrong, we do have conversations where we joke around and talk about things. I love her and all, but there’s just certain topics that I avoid with my parents and that would mainly be about my love life. I’m generally very private about it. I’ve always been discreet about the guys I’ve dated, even when I was younger. I just don’t like so much attention being drawn on me especially being with a significant other. Plus, it’s been awhile since I’ve had a serious relationship, but even then I never brought that guy around. I want to make a great impression for my parents. I want them to like the guy as much as I do or close enough. That’s why they’ve never seen me bring a guy around or mention anything because to me I always felt they weren’t up to par for them.

While chatting with my mom she expressed her and my dad’s concern about my love life. They want me to have a boyfriend and to get married. These are reasonable and expected things for any parent to bring up to their child when they’re older. I understand where she’s coming from with having this “talk” with me. Her main thing is that she doesn’t want me to end up being lonely for the rest of my life. She wants me to reassure her that even if I do have a boyfriend, that he’s a good man. That nearly brought me to tears when she said that. I got choked up as I tried to respond by trying to lighten up the mood with some jokes. I joked around saying a boyfriend doesn’t pay for my bills and how happy I was with the way things are happening in my career, which is true. I also mentioned how most of the things in my life are in its place and that doesn’t mean I need to have a boyfriend to complete that “list”. False. My life is coming together and as I’ve gradually gotten successful out here, it does get lonely to not be able to share any of my happiness or experiences here with someone. The loneliness kicks into overdrive when everything around me is good, except my love life.

It’s not like I can’t get a boyfriend. I have a lot to offer any guy and I’m not being cocky about it. I’m confident in what I can offer to my significant other because I have the facts to back it all up. I just haven’t met anyone that has really caught my eye awhile. I’m pretty selective when it comes to guys. The last guy that did create any sparks for me was PC. I don’t know why, but for whatever reason I always never felt embarrassed or nervous if I was to ever introduce him to my parents. Weird, I know. He was probably one of the few guys that I’ve ever mentioned my parents to. I guess that’s how much potential I saw in him and still do. There was something really special about him that I couldn’t ever pinpoint but everything felt right and I still stand firmly by saying that. I couldn’t ever imagine bringing any of the past guys I’ve dated. I already know how my parents would’ve reacted to those guys and it would’ve just been all bad. They are right that I should have a boyfriend to take care of me and whatnot, but a part of me isn’t ready. I just hate having this talk and feeling lonelier than I do already. I’m envious of my friends that are in very genuine and sincere relationships. To see how sweet it is between a couple you crave for that kind of relationship more than anything. I think to myself that my friend is just the luckiest person in the world to have that and I’m really happy for them. Timing is everything and perhaps right now isn’t the right time for me to be in a relationship or maybe it’s the best time. Who knows? I just believe that things will naturally work itself out when the time comes and to not force it. I hope one day I can have the same as my friends so my parents won’t have to worry about me being lonely and growing old by myself. It just doesn’t get any easier to please my parents as I’ve gotten older.