Archive

Tag Archives: loneliness

My birthday was last week on January 21. Prior to that date I was dreading each day that got closer to my birthday. I felt unhappier this year turning 27 compared to the past 2 years. When I turned 25 and 26 I was sad, but my friends made it bearable. I tried my best to be as optimistic as I could, but it just got to a point where I felt like I was forcing it too much. Like last year, the night before my birthday I made a birthday to do list. I make this list so I can occupy myself without having to remind myself that I lack any company. My to do list this year consisted of:

  • Go to temple and pray
  • Enjoy a good meal throughout the day
  • Pick up free gift from Sephora
  • Have a drink
  • Have some cake
  • Buy flowers
  • Go on a photo adventure
  • Go to Treasure Island Flea Market
  • Order sushi
  • Read a new book at a cafe or outside
  • Build new terrariums
  • Get Starbucks free birthday reward
  • Have a wonderful day & be happy

I pretty much accomplished everything on my list. I completed each activity from Wednesday and into the weekend. I had work on my birthday so I could only do so much. I had left work early on my birthday since my usual daily meeting got cancelled so I figured I might as well head home than to sit in crazy traffic if I lingered around the office any longer. First thing I did as soon as I got home was to go to temple. I felt a sense of relief and calmness when I was there. There was no one else, but me. I was in this peaceful place letting go of my thoughts and sending my prayers to my family and friends. Before I had left, I decided to do the fortune sticks just for the hell of it. I had sent my parents a photo of the lot number I got and it was a good one, which was a relief.

When I got home from temple, I relaxed and tried to get some rest but only ended up Facetiming with my close friend. It was refreshing catching up with her. As soon as I hung up, my landlord knocked on my door and handed me a small box. I asked what it was and she’s told me it was my gift. I was really taken back, but grateful by her generosity. I felt so bombarded by her as she forced me to have dinner in the kitchen, popped open a bottle of champagne, and surprised me with a cake. I really wanted to cry because I was overwhelmed by their kindness. I haven’t had a birthday cake in so long. She picked out my favorite candle color which is yellow and turned off the lights only with only that one candle lighting up the room. I was surrounded by my landlord (husband and wife) as well as my roomie and their guests. They sang happy birthday to me and I just didn’t know how to react. I think my mind was still trying to get a grip that any of this was actually happening. I made my wish, blew out the candle and cut the cake. We sat around the kitchen, chatted and had a few good laughs.

I opened my gift from my landlord which was these small bottles of Burberry perfume. Luckily I’m in need of a new perfume, but I opted to keep one in the bunch that I liked and mailed my mom the rest since I wanted to share my gift with her. One of my roomies came into the kitchen with this big box of egg roll cookies. I asked her what she was doing with such a big box of it. She handed to it me and said it’s my birthday gift haha. I laughed so hard. She had said she didn’t know what to get me but knew that I don’t like chocolate. It was very sweet of her. We aren’t close at all, but we are cordial. It was a kind gesture on her end. Plus they’re my favorite cookies growing up. That night I went to bed really happy. I was really relieved that I didn’t have to have a drink or cake by myself again and that I was able to share that with the people in my household.

My friends from home were good to me as always from afar. I got an early birthday card and photo cube from my cousin and friend. They sent me a really funny birthday card that definitely suited me. I had received this two days before my birthday. I came home from an exhausting day of work to a box with my name on it. I was wondering what it was. As soon as I opened it I teared up. I started crying because I miss how silly us three were together and the good times I’ve had with them. At that moment I had wished I could’ve given them a big hug. I texted them saying thank you and these jerks asked if I cried after opening the gift haha.

The next day I had received a book from another close friend. Man she got me good because I was searching online for the book like a crazy person after our discussion about it. I had forgotten about the title of the book, but she remembered and knew it was a book I’ve wanted to read. I was really excited since reading a new book was on my birthday to do list. Once again I teared up and texted thank you to my friend. My friends has officially caught onto how truly of a softy I can be when it comes to sentimental things. That’s when you truly know how I really am.

On Saturday since it was getting really warm in the Bay Area of the weekend, it was a perfect day to go to Treasure Island Flea Market, which is my monthly activity to do. I was excited to bring my new book with me as well as to purchase new succulents for my room. I’ve become someone with somewhat of a green thumb. I find it relaxing to build terrariums. Anyways, as soon as I got to the flea market I headed straight to where the usual vendor I buy the succulents from was located. Her selections gets better and better every time I purchase from her. I’ll post up pics of my terrariums in another post. Considering on adding more stuff to it after it’s now been depotted and arranged. I got kinda cranky while I was there since there was obviously a lot of people. I bought my succulents, got myself lunch from the food truck and found a perfect spot under a tree with a great view of the SF skyline. It was relaxing laying there in the sun and enjoying my lunch and book. I felt at ease with everything again. It’s something I need to do more often again. When I had gotten home I received two more birthday cards. One from another close friend and one from my parents. My parents never send me one and wanted to because they didn’t want me to feel lonely. It was really comforting to hear my mom say that to me.

The weekend before my birthday a fellow Xangan who’s also a San Jose resident and a close friend of mines was really sweet to treat me out to lunch. It was nice to catch up and have that girl time that both her and I need, well probably she needs it more than me haha. But it’s always refreshing to just take a break from life and talk about anything with a close friend. An old coworker of mines had also treated me out to dinner as well. She had asked what I was in the mood for and I said sushi, but then again I can eat sushi probably 3-4 times a week. She made several suggestions and I had approved that we go eat Ethiopian food instead. I’ve never tried it, always heard good things and here was my opportunity to go. The restaurant was split up into two sections; one with regular dining chairs and tables and the other section was more traditional sitting on stools and this small table was the dining table. Of course we opted for the traditional seating area just to really make the best of the experience since it was my first time. The food was amazing! There was beef, chicken and pork in our dish. The restaurant also served this really good Ethiopian honey wine, which is a really sweet white wine. Overall, it was just nice to have those two meals with girl friends. I know I don’t see or speak to them often, but it was just really nice to just hang out like that. Having good meal and engaging in great conversations. I think that temporarily made me feel sane again.

Despite how lonely I felt, it was nice that to be a bit caught off guard with the company I didn’t expect to have on my birthday. Deep down that was something I wanted to include in my birthday to do list: to spend my birthday with some company and to not be alone. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The amount of silence and loneliness that I deal with on a daily basis with just eat away are your mind and your soul. It kills every bit of you and I hate it. For me turning 27 was a big deal. It was another reminder that I’m almost 30, still single, and renting. Granted that I have a great well-paying job and accomplished a lot in my career before 30, that isn’t as fulfilling as I’d like it to be. I want to buy property, settle down, get married and have a family. My close friend had said to me that I shouldn’t be too bummed out about turning 27 whereas she’s turning 30. That comment made me a bit mad and jealous. I kinda snapped at her and said well at least you’ve bought a house and you’re getting married. I wouldn’t mind turning 30 or any age if I had those things in my life. For now I’m really trying my hardest to find my happy and that doesn’t mean a significant other. As mentioned several times I’ve been very unhappy and don’t get me wrong I’m not ungrateful. I feel as if I’ve lost a big piece of myself since moving to Cali and having 2 birthdays gone by. It might not mean anything to anyone, but it’s made a huge impact on me. As for the future birthdays all I’ve always ever wanted is just a birthday card and a Carvel ice cream cake which is my favorite. Nothing fancy.

I’ve said enough. Good night.

Advertisements
I’m unhappy, but I believe there’s a lot than just being unhappy. My state of mind isn’t in the right place. With all of the recent occurrences, I’ve found myself in this depression. I want to shut everyone out because no one understands. I don’t want to explain myself nor do I want to share “what’s wrong” with anyone. I don’t even want to talk. I just want to stay quiet. I haven’t been in this position in awhile. I remember I last felt like this when I used to live in Boston. Now it’s caught up to me. There’s a large amount of stress that weighs so heavy on me. I feel like I’m in the backseat watching everyone’s life play out so gracefully and I look down at my own and I’m not moving. This was how I felt in the past. I didn’t think I’d feel this way ever again. I thought I had let go of all those horrible emotions. I hated feeling the way that I did and I hate it a lot now. There’s nothing anyone can say or do to make me feel better. I continue going about my life doing my daily activities: going to the gym, reading at a cafe, finding local events, etc. I don’t feel satisfied doing any of these things. I feel like I’m just doing it to fulfill this developed routine.
 
What made me feel worst is to hear the sadness in my dad’s voice. When I had asked him what was wrong he kept trying to avoid answering my question. Finally he told me he feels unhappy that his family is broken. I immediately put the blame on myself. My heart sank so fast and I resisted the tears as I tried to cheer him up with a joke or two, but that wasn’t any good. If I never left for California, I could physically be there to fix things. I could be there for everything. I feel like a very bad daughter for living so far away from home. All I’ve been wanting to do is to provide for my family and I feel like I’m failing. I’m very disappointed in myself and I worry constantly as to how to make things better.
 
All day yesterday as I went about my Sunday activities, I just felt really sad. I even went to temple hoping that’ll straighten me out, but nope. Last night I went to sleep in hopes that I’ll feel better in the morning since I would be back in the office after working remotely from home for the past 2 weeks due to the holidays. I believed that surrounding myself in my work environment along with my boss and team would snap me out of this. I woke up at 5:00 AM, an hour earlier before my usual time laying there in my bed wondering when these feelings and thoughts will go away. I arrived into work only realizing being in the office around my colleagues is a way of masking everything.I don’t think anyone really understands how much of an impact being in California by myself has changed me. I want to feel better again. I really just want to be happy.

I’ve mentioned in a recent post that I don’t feel like talking to anyone and I’m standing by that. The only people I’ve been talking to are my parents, but that’s an obligated choice to let them know I’m okay and alive. As much as I don’t want to talk to anyone, there’s a lot on my mind that I’ll pour all out on this blog.

I tell close friends that I have my good and my bad days here. I’ll have my moments where everything is good and moments where I feel so lonely and unhappy. Today is my bad day. I’ve been really lethargic all day today and been trying to pull myself out of this slump. I’m having a hard time focusing on my work, which I really need to get it together. I’ve taken a lot of this stress and sadness out at the gym, which kinda helps. I just feel like the solutions I come up with isn’t enough.

I’m dealing with some issues and word got back to my parents. I felt so mad at myself the moment the both of them contacted me. I understand they’re just being parents and trying to be helpful, but I’m stubborn and won’t accept it. I’ll stay struggling than to ever involve them or anyone. I feel like a failure and a disappointment to them. I heard the sadness and concern in my mother’s voice and I felt so horrible to make my own mother feel this way because of me. I tried my hardest to reassure her that everything will be okay. Yet at the same time I felt like this giant glass house with rocks being thrown at me and I can’t do anything to protect myself. Today was where I wish I had my parents close by or a friend to give me a hug and to keep me safe. I found myself burying my face in my hands having a total breakdown because today I can’t be strong like the other days. I’m worried about so many things.

As I was crying, I was thinking about what my mom said to me the day I left Boston during my most recent trip home. While my dad was telling me how sad he was to see me leave, I kept reassuring him I’ll be okay and I told him to cheer up. My mom and I haven’t had the greatest relationship in the past. She’s said some extremely hurtful words to me that I’ll never shake off, but that day she said the nicest thing to me in a long time. She said how when she was my age she wasn’t as strong as me to be doing what I’m doing: moving across the country by myself with no family or friends close by. I wanted to cry so bad when she said that to me, but it showed me that she’s finally given me the respect that I’ve always wanted from her. Anyways, I just felt like I disappointed her again.

The other day when I was talking to my ex-boyfriend T, whom I’ve remained close friends with over the years, I told him more about my sadness here in Cali and why I’m even here. He really felt for me and that wasn’t my motive or anything. I didn’t want a pity party, but he was being so comforting. It reminded me of the times when we did date in the past and how he was always there for me. He always made it so easy for me to confide in him about things. The way he keeps so calm while my crazy self is venting …there’s always something nurturing about it or maybe it’s because I’ve known him for so many years. During our recent conversations, it made me wonder why we ever broke up in the first place. Well we were really young and now we’ve grown to be two different people. As different as we are now, whenever we talk it’s like we’re 15 years old again. I remember when we hung out during my recent trip home we would look at each other in this certain way and it’s like we both knew something but not sure what. Whatever it is, we have a lot of history together and I’m just glad we’re still good friends til this day.

Anyways, I just wish I had to solution to everything. Maybe I need to stop being so hard on myself. I just hate having to repeat this to friends because I’m sure it gets annoying to listen to. I just feel extremely lonely, misunderstood, sensitive and vulnerable. All I want is to be happy again. For now going to cry it all out, enjoy this warm cup of Starbucks, and sleep it off. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Lego reindeer with gifts

Nothing exciting this year just like any other year. Hung out with my girl and her son, which is always great seeing them and catching up. We exchanged gifts and drove around to see what restaurants were open for lunch. Of course Asian restaurants during Christmas to be opened is never a fail. Nothing like a yummy Vietnamese rice plate. BOMB! 🙂 After I got home, I had a Facetime session with a close friend from home. Really wished I was back at home so both her and I could hang out so we both wouldn’t be bored and home alone on Christmas. Maybe next year! I was just a bum all day. I took a nap and when I had woken up I wasn’t feeling so well. Then this sadness kicked in. Blah! I’m alright now. I just have my moments. Decided to try to pull myself out of it by watching ‘the Interview’ and putting together my yankee swap gift that I got. I got this Lego set and had planned to put it together on Christmas. Talk about being productive. Now I’m just in bed trying to relax and get myself ready for work tomorrow. That’s as exciting as my day got. I miss doing yankee swap with friends back at home or just getting together if our families weren’t doing anything on Christmas Day so we could comfort each other and have a good time. I really miss it.

I should probably consider traveling somewhere during the holidays from now on with friends. Who knows? I can’t wait til one day when I’m settled down and have my own family to create our own traditions. For now I’ll occupy myself as much as I can when I can’t fly home during the holidays and try to embrace the day.

Ever since I came back from Boston, I’ve gotten much more quieter. I just don’t really want to talk to anyone nor do I really have anything to say. Maybe it’s my own way of coping with the loneliness. I just want to be in this silence until the year is over. I just want to sleep it off and wait until the new year arrives.  I’m cringing as the days get closer to Christmas. I change the radio station as soon as I hear any Christmas song. I really hate the holidays, but my colleagues and friends from home has been very kind to me. I’ve received several offers from my colleagues for me to spend Christmas with them since they know I’ll be alone. I thanked them for their generosity, but to be surrounded by another’s family and friends will only make me feel worst knowing that I can’t spend time with my own family and friends. I’d rather be alone on that day and try not to think too much about it. I’m treating it like it’s any other day. It’s hard for me to really describe my emotions and thoughts of what’s been going on with me lately, but that’s okay. I’m not going to bother trying to explain it to anyone for them to understand. I just don’t want to be bothered. It’s as simple as that. I’ll eventually pull myself out of this emotional mess.

Bye bye Boston

Finally back in Cali as of last night. It was an extremely long day of traveling. I was so tired when I got home and started feeling really sick. All I wanted to do as soon as I got home was to unpack, shower and go to sleep. Luckily I did my laundry before I left my parent’s house, which saves me the time from doing it back in Cali. I quickly unpacked and put everything in its place so I didn’t have to deal with it today when I get home from work. Smart move on my end. I woke up feeling sick but told myself I have to drag my ass out of bed and into the office. If I worked from home I’d probably be all mopey and sad about being homesick.

Saturday night I had a really hard time sleeping that when I woke up Sunday morning to get ready for my flight I felt like crap. There was a really strange mood around the house as I was getting ready Sunday morning. My dad was really unhappy as well as my mom, but I think my dad took it harder. I remember Saturday night when he sat there watching tv, he stared aimlessly at the tv telling me his chest really hurts because I’m leaving. I felt horrible when he said that to me. I just put on that tough front and told him he’ll be okay and I tried joking around with him. But even then I’m pretty sure he caught on that I was having a hard time hearing those words. On Sunday morning when my parents were driving me to the bus station, it was a very silent car ride. I sat in the back seat noticing my dad’s eyes getting red and watery. He then told me he felt like crying and once again I put on that tough front. I tried not to look into that mirror where I could see his eyes. I either was looking down at my phone or out the window. I tried my hardest to not cry and to continue being strong.

Soon we arrived to the bus station where my parents sat with me waiting for my bus to arrive which was to bring me to the airport. I tried to strike a much more optimistic conversation to lighten up the mood and that helped a bit. Once my bus arrived, I gave my parents a hug and walked onto the bus. I opted for a seat by the window that wasn’t facing them so they wouldn’t see me crying. As soon as I got on the bus I stared out the window silently crying wishing that I didn’t have to go back to Cali. I felt horrible to go back to Cali making my parents feel sad. I know it’s not really my fault, but I can’t help but feel guilty. Throughout my entire trip home I cried silently. I remember every moment at the airport in Boston I felt so unhappy and emotional. The moment the plane took off I felt so heartbroken to leave my home again. The closer I got to Cali I felt worst. I had a stop in Milwaukee, Phoenix and then finally San Jose. When we landed in San Jose I felt the sadness kick into overdrive. I felt so uncomfortable around the surroundings I’ve grown accustomed to during the past year I’ve lived here. I hated everything; from the streets to the people. It was and will never be anything like Boston.

Today is my first day back in the office. I feel okay again to be around my coworkers who welcomed me with opened arms. I guess my work is my safety net out here. That is essentially why I’m even in Cali. This morning when I woke up I felt like I woke up from a long dream of being in Boston. It doesn’t even feel like I ever went back. It’s so strange. I felt so happy again to see my coworkers. Yet once I’m out of the office and back to my place, my mood changes to hating everything again. I become so hateful of everything because of the malicious people I’ve crossed paths with out here. I blame them for making me feel this way and making me fear to come back to this shit hole west coast. One day I’ll go back home for good. For now I have to continue doing what I’m doing. Like my friends have been saying to me, just do what you have to do and then come back.

Tomorrow I’ll be leaving Boston and heading back to Cali. I’ve been so spoiled with great times with my family and friends during my time here. I’m dreading the thought of having to finish packing and going back to Cali. I realized how much I really hate it there. I’m an East Coast girl at heart and I just find it even harder to adjust this time around once I get back. Boston is my home and all my loved ones are here. The other night was my last night hanging out with friends. We went to my usual yet once upon a time favorite bar. Got to see a lot of old faces and there were quite a few surprise faces that came out that night. My friends managed to get me drunk, which is an obligated duty of theirs before you’re gonna send me off back to Cali haha. But they also managed to make me cry.

Throughout the night a few friends were saying really nice things to me such as how they’re so proud of me for doing what I’m doing out there, how I’m a really good person and etc. I was so overwhelmed with the overload of love and support that I started crying. It still makes me tear up as I’m writing this blog entry. They comforted me as I’m burying my face into my hands sobbing and told them how much I don’t want to go back. I told them how scared I was to go back to Cali to the loneliness that I deal with on a daily basis. When you’re so alone every day with no one else but yourself, it has a really big effect on you.

Thinking about having dinner by myself, finding weekend activities to do by myself, remembering how mean and nasty people were to me in Cali, to not be there for my family and friends when we both need each other the most, and etc. … it does a huge number on you. Cali has made me so vulnerable and emotional and I try to not let my family or friends know too much about it because I don’t want them to worry. Everyone understands as to why I’m staying in Cali and I know from afar they’ll continue to support me. I had a feeling I was going to feel like this since it’s my first time visiting home in over a year since I’ve moved. It reminds me of how upset I was when I left a year ago. I sobbed like a baby but I don’t care. I felt so comforted to be surrounded by good friends as they tried to make me stop crying. I left my heart in this city with full of great people. Home is where the heart is and going back to Cali will never be the same. I’m just really homesick and always will be.

Despite how unhappy I am to go back, there were lots of fun highlights of my trip here:

– Annual Thanksgiving Potluck hosted by my close friend and I was the surprise guest

– Celtics vs. Portland Trail Blazers: Unfortunately we lost and it was a semi close game, but at least it was my first time to get on the jumbotron which was awesome lol

– Ate lots of yummy food in Boston. Went to some old favorite places as well as trying a few new places

– Taking the train and walked around Newbury Street and Boylston Street and realizing how beautiful the architecture and the city is

– Bar hopped with good friends and hookah lounge

– Got to see my dog 🙂

– Got asked to be my close friend’s bridesmaid!

– Watched “Theory of Everything” which was a really good movie. Must see!!

– Went to my once old favorite bar and had a blast with friends

– Confessed my love LOL. In reference to my previous post “Missed Opportunity”. Yes, I told my friend and it’s finally off my chest

– Unexpected plans with an ex-boyfriend who is still a good friend of mines. While we hung out it reminded me of how we were when we were younger and for whatever reason I feel like it’ll always be like that with him and I when we see each other.

– Hung out with yet another old flame. That was interesting lol

– Went to visit my 93 year old grandmother who raised me when I was younger. She’s so cute but doesn’t really recognize me which makes me sad but I understand

 

Overall it was a great trip and I got to see a lot of faces that I wanted to see. There were a few that I wasn’t able to see, but there will be a next time. 🙂