Flawed

They say it’s best to never go to bed upset and whoever said that is right. I can’t sleep due to feeling so down. Yesterday I had a pretty great day. It was fun and it was nice to go out like that since I’m such a huge homebody now. I was having a great time until my friends (husband and wife) and I went out for drinks. This is where it goes really downhill…

My friend’s husband is such a nice guy. Really great guy and has good intentions. While we were sitting down enjoying our drinks and chatting, he says to me “I have a question for you…”. He asked away and then followed up with “okay I have a second question…”. My friend (his wife) told him no more questions but if you’re telling me you have another question you might as well tell me. He asked me what type of guy am I into and questions in regards of my dating life. I was really surprised and kinda taken back by him asking me this because it’s not like I’ve ever said anything about setting me up with someone that they know or anything. We discuss a bit about this and this is where it really goes downhill. Like real fucking down…

I got super choked up and started tearing up as I tried to gather my words out. I simply said, “you know with so many past failed relationships and bad luck with dating, I’ve come to terms that I’m such a flawed person and that I’m meant to be alone. I know I am a good person but I’m just not meant to be with anyone and that’s something that I’m learning to accept.” I almost started crying pretty bad after saying all of that. Even typing out that makes me really teary eyed again. My friend smacked her husband’s arm and called him an asshole. It wasn’t his fault nor his intention to make me cry. It’s something that I’ve come to terms with and honestly it’s probably the most sad shit I’ve ever said especially out loud. Who wouldn’t feel bad to hear anyone say that? I’d feel awful if I heard any of my friends speaking like that. After that I reassured him that it wasn’t his fault and that it hurts to say something like that about yourself. During the drive home, I cried all the way home. I felt my heart breaking into so many pieces. Since coming home I’m just a mess.

It is what it is. Clearly it’s something that I’m still working on accepting. I don’t deserve anyone’s love except for the love from my family and friends. I’m glad my friends have found their significant others but it’s just not in the cards for me. “Meant to be” no longer means anything to me. I’ve lost a lot of hope due to past failed relationships and meeting shitty guys. I truly don’t believe in a good man (for me that is). I don’t believe that the right time will come. I don’t believe I’m meant to be loved unconditionally. I know all of this is so negative but it is the truth. I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad for me nor am I expecting words of encouragement. As much as I want to believe and to be hopeful, I’m just not. I was once a hopeless romantic and it’s just not there anymore. That’s probably the part that makes me the most sad.

I am a strong and independent woman but even the strongest person has their vulnerabilities and this is it. I just want to get some sleep and wish this sadness went away quickly. I hate feeling this way.

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Hope and Defeat

Work has been a bit overwhelming lately. I have a million things running through my mind in what I’d like to accomplish to help my team, my manager and myself succeed. With working for a large organization comes with the fun ol’ game of politics. There’s no way for my manager to shield my team from it. The man can only do so much and at times I have to step up to the plate and handle that shit myself. It’s beyond exhausting dealing with that. There are many times where I think about quitting, but what’s really kept me at this job is my team. It doesn’t matter how good the salary or the benefits are. If I come across a team where we have a strong relationship and can work cohesively together, I’m going to ride it out and stick around. I tend to be the voice of reason for my team, the one that encourages positivity amongst each other, etc. Once again, it gets exhausting. I truly do have strong hope that the future of this team will exceed its own expectations. Right now, we’re in the midst of chaos and it really sucks.

Last Friday I had lunch with this director and 2 other designers that’s on his team. We’ve recently exchanged messages via LinkedIn and randomly started chatting about photography. Mind you this guy comes off as a total asshole on the phone. I was hoping meeting in person would change my perception of him. Nope. He truly is an asshole. He had scheduled a lunch for me to meet him and the other 2 people. I showed up to my old office and they were waiting for me in the lobby. I had really low expectations, but from the get go I knew I wanted this lunch date to end…and we weren’t even in the car to the restaurant yet. I’d like to think that I have a generally good sense for people. It’s a rarity for me to dislike someone when we first meet and if I feel like that, that’s a big red flag to me. I really faked it throughout that car ride and lunch. Ugh.

When we got to his car (a BMW), I immediately thought “you’re a tool…”. His license plate is customized and it says “FASTRBMW”. Cringes…He drove like a maniac. During the car ride, this dude was talking MAD shit about some of my colleagues. He spoke of them in a very disgusting way and it was just so harsh. It was so painful to even listen to someone speak like that in general yet alone about someone else. I spoke up at certain points since I strongly disagreed with him about practically everything. We went to this yummy Thai restaurant. I was texting my colleague from my team about what was going on. He told me to order the most expensive thing on the menu lol, which was hard to do because of the cheap lunch specials haha. Generally when you meet people that you just met, you ask each other questions. Nope. Them mofos didn’t care for me but I still generated any kind of conversation with them just to be polite. Finally lunch was over and we headed back to the office. The car ride back was awkwardly quiet. I couldn’t fake it anymore and didn’t bother making any further conversation with them because I just didn’t give a fuck anymore. Once we got back to the office, I shook their hands and thanked them for the lunch and I immediately walked over to my car.

I got on the phone right away with my colleague and filled him in on the details. It was an hour long phone call ranting about this mess and could’ve gone on longer. I am essentially the only person from my team to have met this guy and it’s a big deal because this doofus is suppose to be the one calling the shots on a lot of things. I was hoping to a degree he would prove me wrong, but nope. It was literally like eating dinner with Darth Vader. It was pretty bad. Prior to meeting my team in person, I thought they were pretty nice and cool. That translated in person which was great. But damn…this guy was such an asshole and had no remorse. I realized he’s super insecure with himself with behaving like that. Also, I feel like many execs are condoning this poor behavior. It’s sad.

With that said, I felt so disheartened by having to share all the details with my colleague who is working close with this guy. I really wanted to tell him “hey he’s not that bad after all”, but this fool couldn’t prove me wrong at all. I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he was literally like a super villain. I ended the call with telling my colleague that despite this lame lunch with this guy, I still have hope for our team to do well and to not let this fool ruin things for us. I really wanted to make things better for this entire team and it’s hard on me. It’s hard to be the one that’s so hopeful all the time that I’m running low on hope. I think I’m overworked and overwhelmed with the challenges that I’m about to face. I don’t want that to deter my manager, my team and myself from making changes in this organization. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been watching too many Marvel related shows and movies that encourages this hope that I have and maybe it’s true. At the end of the day I just want to defeat the bad guys and let my team win. It’s hard to be strong for everyone and I’m seeing the cracks each day. Yet once again, I still have a lot of hope.

Mental Block

I’m really struggling with getting work done. I’m having a hard time focusing, staying focused and collecting my thoughts. I’m not really sure what’s the cause for this but I’m starting to think there’s some lingering stress. I’m not even sure. It makes me feel more frustrated that I can’t get it together. I really need to pull it together or I’m about to get so screwed over. Ugh…fuck me.

As much as I want to get out of town for a mini weekend getaway, that’s out of the question. I need to chill with my spending and stay local for awhile. I haven’t fully completed booking my trip to Thailand and all that is left to that is my hotel for the wedding. I’ve only worked out twice this month and have been able to maintain the weight that I’ve lost. However, I need to work out again in hopes that it’ll snap me out of this weird funk that I’m in right now. I have way too much to get done and will get my workout routine going again starting next week…hopefully.

I just feel so tired and I don’t want to do anything.

Major Slump

Title of this post is pretty self explanatory lol. I haven’t really been as focused on my work as I should be. I think with my recent travels followed up by the flu has made me really lazy. Ugh…I have a ton of work to do and I am watching it pile up, which is reallyyy bad haha. I need to get it together. I’m pretty productive in my meetings and have been able to lead those well as well as participate in the discussion, but once those calls end I’m literally sitting there staring at my computer. I’ve only worked out twice this month but once again travels and the flu got in the way. As of today I was feeling a little bit more normal again and hoping to get back into the swing of things. Today I made it a sudden priority to book my travels to Thailand and to get some tasks at home done, but any work related tasks remained collecting dust. Terrible!!

I need to pull myself out of this slump!!!

Vivid Dreams

I’ve had some weird dreams this past week. Not sure if it’s the cold medicine I’m taking but yeah…I had a dream about my friend and her husband where we were on vacation together. Her husband was at the hotel and my friend and I were somehow taking the train in Boston. She suddenly wanted to get off at this one stop where it looked so shady and this was at night. After we got off the train, she disappeared and I was by myself and scared. I was trying to figure out how to get back to the train and it was in front of me…but I still didn’t know where to go. It was just really random and weird. I woke up and it just felt so real.

Last night I had a pretty vivid dream and it was about PC. We were together and just very intimate and things felt right. I woke up this morning feeling so confused. I haven’t really thought about him or anything. Strange. However, I was thinking I should probably try a different cold medicine or hope that shit wasn’t expired due to these weird dreams that I’ve been having lol.

Toronto Fun

Last weekend I had gone to Toronto for a friend’s wedding. I haven’t been to Toronto since I was 8 years old. I remember riding the Maid of the Mist ferry and seeing Niagara Falls, going to Chinatown and it was really hot since my family and I had gone during the summer. I never had much interest to visit again, but with a wedding invite, why not? Went through a lot of hassle of renewing my passport which I had postponed for awhile. Luckily I had got it back in time for me to book my flight and hotel at still a reasonable price. I’m not close with the friend that invited me but I decided to go anyways. She’s a nice girl but we just never got close or know each other too well. She’s good friends with my close friends so to a degree she’s relatively cool in my book haha. I didn’t really know the bride’s other friends so I had synced up with my Boston friends to see what their plans were. I decided to stay at the same hotel as some of my friends while another was lame and stayed somewhere closer to the venue of the wedding…where he later wished he stayed with us haha.

We met up at KINKA Izakaya Original for dinner. I didn’t get a chance to do too much research on Yelp for where to eat but this was one spot that I had found and it was also recommended by the bride to be that we go here. My friend H made reservations and I am so glad he did. Of course for a Friday night it was crazy busy and insanely loud. Well, it’s an izakaya so we do you really expect haha. As we browsed through the menu, H reminded us all how we’re using the Canadian dollar which meant everything is 20% off and then we all shouted like children “YAY!” lol. We were strongly encouraged to order a lot. My friend T and I focused on ordering drinks while T’s wife and H ordered food. We saw this 2 tier sake bomb called a samurai bomb in the menu. We immediately wanted that. I didn’t care what else we got as long as we ordered that lol.

When our server came by to set up the samurai bomb, we were like giddy children. I think T and H were a bit too excited that when he came to pounding the table to knock down the shots, there was little alcohol everywhere. We kept ordering more food and drinks until T’s wife discovered this birthday shot sampler that they do. Pretty much you get a sampler of shots, the servers come out with a sign that says “Happy Birthday (insert name)” and you get your picture taken. Since my birthday was nearly a week away, why not? lol. I was super excited when the servers came out screaming as well as my friends shouting. I was literally incredibly excited and throwing my arms up screaming lol. I wasn’t even drunk behaving like this. I was genuinely excited like a child being told that they’re going to move to Disney World or something haha. It was hilarious. When the servers came by, one of them put a weird Mt Fuji hat thing over my head to wear, which I didn’t care. I kept screaming “WOOOO!!!!!!!” lol. I had some of the shots and shared it with my friends before we made way to our next destination.

We hit up Lockhart aka Harry Potter bar as T’s wife kept calling it. It was a huge shift from going to a super loud ass restaurant to a pretty chill, divey bar. I love dive bars. This place was really cool. Had some interesting drinks on the menu, but we were mainly looking for anything that can be lit on fire lol. There was one drink that you can share that was in a stag head and it was lit on fire. Another drink we tried was this Campfire Old Fashioned which had a roasted marshmellow over a glass of whiskey. T’s wife and I shared the BetterBeer. It was good, but a bit too creamy for my liking. The drinks were good, the decor was cool and our bartender was dope. He’s originally from Dublin and has been in Toronto for years, but he LOVES Boston. He was happy to learn that we were from there. Really nice guy. We eventually all decided to head back to the hotel. However, T and I both felt so sober that we hit up the hotel bar…again haha. We had went to the hotel bar before dinner…and now after dinner haha.

The next morning we went downstairs for the hotel’s complimentary breakfast buffet, which was actually legit. I had it the day before along with dinner at the hotel and I was still surprised how good the food was. I honestly felt drunk when I woke up and so out of it. Shit, we all were out of it haha. We ate breakfast and quickly returned to our rooms to go back to sleep…and then to wake up to go eat again lol. We met up with H for lunch at Sansotei Ramen. I had it the day before but didn’t mind going again since I had really enjoyed it. After that we walked to Uncle Tetsu where H’s wife wanted to pick up a cheesecake. I had gone the day before but I was on the other side where you can the cheese tarts. I had picked some up for my friend that was a part of the bridal party and she didn’t have time to go so I hooked home girl up.

We eventually made it to Green Grotto where we ate again. We were all incredibly full, but we’re all total foodies and that didn’t stop us. I wanted to order a warm beverage since it was so cold walking around, but I got a really yummy coconut espresso affogato. Mad bomb! At this point we were all under heavy food coma and had to go back to the hotel to rest before we got ready for the wedding. Since we were lazy and trying to boost our nap time, we took an Uber back to the hotel haha. Clearly a lot of strategizing comes into play when we want to eat good food as well as squeezing in time for a nap. However, napping didn’t happen for myself or for my friends. I literally laid in bed watching Youtube videos haha. Eventually I got ready and we all ended up rushing. I had brought 3 dress options but opted for the original dress I bought. I was definitely able to zip that shit up before this trip. I was so full and bloated that both T and his wife had to help zip me into the dress lol. Also, wearing a dress in single digit temperature is not fucking fun. I was harshly reminded of what actual cold weather felt like haha.

The wedding was beautiful and everyone looked great. It was my first time going to a Korean wedding. Well, they incorporated both Korean and Chinese traditions which was cool. The bride and groom are such dorks that there was a light saber tunnel that they walked through after exchanging some Star Wars related medal lol. It was hilarious but super cute. During the wedding reception, there was even an XBox with Star Wars for you to play. Of course T and H were hogging the game haha. Took lots of pics with friends and once again had many drinks. We were all happy to know that the crew of us from Boston were seated at the same table, which meant trouble. We were the loudest but most fun table at the wedding. We clinked the glasses with our utensils, the guys participated in silly games, we took a really cute group photo in the photo booth and danced like fools. It was cute that the bride and groom danced to a song that the best man and bridesmaid sang to. The groom even serenaded the bride at the end and it was the cutest, sweetest thing ever. I went up to him and called him a triple threat and didn’t realize he was a Chinese heart throb lol. Towards the end of the wedding they even served poutine haha. I don’t think there was any way possible for us to leave Canada without having poutine haha.

Overall, it was an amazing time with old friends. I’d like to visit Toronto again when it’s not cold haha. I REALLY love and miss Kinka Izakaya haha. Since coming back, I’m pretty homesick. I realized how lucky I am to have such amazing friends like them and that it’s always a guaranteed good time. I really miss those fools.

Gin and Tonic Bonds

Prior to my recent trip to Toronto, I’ve cut drinking out significantly. However, I knew that when I’m reunited with my friends from Boston, we’re all truly a bunch of drunkards at heart haha. I had stayed at the same hotel as my friend T and his wife since I didn’t really want to stay at a hotel entirely by myself. They had arrived a day after me so I was patiently waiting for them. All of us didn’t really have much plans besides dinner plans together as well as attending our friend’s wedding. I didn’t want to disrupt T and his wife if they had plans to visit family in Toronto. Due to the short time that we all had in Toronto, we decided to just kick it together during the entire trip.

I’ve known T since I was 12. He literally looks the same, acts the same, and he’s a great guy. He was like a big brother to me and I was like his little sister. Of course with age, there was a point we grew distant. Nothing bad happened. We just shifted to different social circles, but even then we still kept in touch to some degree. T got married 3-4 years ago and I wasn’t invited to the wedding. Honestly I was hurt by that, but realistically we weren’t that close so it was understandable as to why I wasn’t invited. Yet a part of me felt like he had a change of heart and didn’t like me. Not sure where it came from but just probably me overthinking shit.

When T and his wife finally arrived to the hotel, we decided to meet up and grab a drink at the hotel bar before dinner. My general go to drink is a gin and tonic with a splash of pineapple juice. T had the same thing in mind…minus the pineapple juice, but he ordered the same thing as me. Then he got hooked on them haha. We all chatted a bit before walking over to the restaurant to meet up with our other friend. As happy as I was to see T, I still felt kinda wary around him. I really don’t know why. As we were out at dinner pretty much drinking away and bar hopping, we still returned to the hotel sober. Not sure how that’s possible but okay haha. T’s wife isn’t much of a drinker and decided to head back to their room while T and I were still ready to go at it more drinks haha.

After T and I immediately rushed to the hotel bar and got settled in, we ordered our “usual” gin and tonic with a splash of pineapple juice. We were just chatting about everything and catching up. It’s been YEARS since T and I have had one on one time together. I truly can’t even recall the last time that it was just us hanging out and no one else. He had vented to me about some things as did I. I told him about the hell that I was living in for the past 2 years and how hard and lonely it was for me. I even told him that I thought he hated me over the years. He reassured me that he didn’t and we just continued chatting about more things. A lot of things that we talked about that night made me feel really close to him again. I definitely was not drunk with all the things that I talked about. Actually, I was close to confessing to him that I like his older brother lol so that was a close call haha. I gave him a quick summary of what has happened to me in the nearly 5 years that I’ve been gone and pretty much pouring out my heart. I was reminded how lonely and heartbroken I truly am, but despite that I still have a great friend by my side.

We ended the night with delicious drinks and great conversation. I paid for the tab and he said “thank you mui mui (little sister)” and that really tugged on them heartstrings. I felt more at ease about a lot of things between T and I. I had left Toronto a day before everyone else to head back to Cali. While I was waiting to board my flight, I had texted T that morning and told him how I really appreciated our heart to heart, how much I truly value our friendship and how he made me feel better knowing that no matter how many years go by, he is still the same great guy that I met nearly 20 years ago. He thanked me and since coming back from that trip, we’ve kept in touch. I still feel so emotional from our bonding session. I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard still. To my belief, I think I’m just so overwhelmed by the love and support from an old friend. There’s just certain bonds that you have with people that you’ll hold so close to you and the bond that I have with T is just that.