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I’ve been dealing with a lot of changes and I’m having a bit of a hard time absorbing a lot of it. My reaction to it all probably isn’t the best but I do feel so bombarded. I feel like every week there’s something. I get it…change is constant. I can’t control that. However I need to get a better grip of my emotions. I’ve noticed the past 2 nights I haven’t slept so well because my mind is just thinking about literally everything.

There’s so many transitions happening at work and it’s a lot for me. I know my team who are all in Colorado is supportive, but I need that physical presence if that makes any sense. I’ve been dealt with a lot of challenges at this job and I was up for that challenge. Yet suddenly I feel so defeated. Last week I had to meet with this director to basically explain the difference between user experience and user interface. I ever so wanted to just bang my head against the table because it’s honestly not complicated. I even dumbed it down to the simplest explanation ever and I still don’t think he understood me. As he continued speaking to me in the most condescending way ever, he questioned if this was my first job. Sometimes I get comments for how young I look (yay, good Asian genes?) but I have almost 10 years experience in my line of work. It’s hard being a woman working in tech with a large population of men in Silicon Valley. You have to deal with pricks like this director. I got so spoiled at my last job and of course my old team, but I really need to stop comparing the two because they’re both different experiences.

Moving onto my health, I got the call from my doctor yesterday with my results. I am extremely thankful and relieved that I am fine. It was hands down the scariest thing that I’ve ever dealt with. It was beyond an eye opener for me. My parents and close friends were relieved to hear the good news as well. I don’t think anyone can truly understand what hell I’ve been through with that major health scare and that’s okay. It’s just extremely terrifying because you really feel like things are coming to a sudden end for you. I can only continue hoping that my health gets better. I’ve been putting so much hard work into it all and just want to keep things moving in the right direction.

As much as I bitch and complain in my posts, I really am trying my best to embrace these changes the best way that I can. It’s hard, it takes time, and these are major adjustments for me. I’m just taking baby steps and that’s fine with me.

As I’m working from home right now, I just found out that I will no longer have a cube at work. W-T-F?!?!?!@?@#%?#$^#$ Not fucking cool. I get it that I’m not in as often, but c’mon…really? WTF?!! Granted I work from home pretty often, but it’s still nice to have that option. Now if I ever want to go into the office, I get to use a stupid privacy room or an anchor desk. Seriously fuck that. If that’s the case I might as well stay my ass at home. This just really set me off and only encourages me to really update my portfolio this week and to start applying to other jobs. I didn’t sign up to be a full time remote employee. Absolute bullshit. Working remotely is a great perk, but it’s fucking 2017 for crying out loud. A LOT of companies let you do that so it’s not like it’s out of the ordinary. I just don’t feel valued and I feel really blindsided. I immediately emailed the director about this since he failed to tell me about this. Ugh! Apparently I have until September 7th to clear out my cube. Luckily I don’t have much there. I’m debating on taking my monitor at work with me. Guess I have to start really organizing my desk at home for this accommodation. Absolutely annoyed.

This is bullshit…

Last Friday during my doctor’s appointment, I had received good news about my results from my blood work. Yay, right? No… I went back into the office that following Monday and long story short, I had to immediately go get blood work done again. I basically have a 50/50 chance of having a very serious illness. Pretty much the same shit as my mom. I remember getting that phone call from my doctor about having to get blood work done the next morning, asking her questions as to what if my results don’t improve and what the next steps will be. I crumbled in that moment as I sat in my bed absorbing all of the information. I immediately called close friends since I was freaking out really bad. After chatting with one friend, I made way to the gym to clear my mind. I put my anger and frustration into my workout. As I was getting ready to leave the gym, I was laying down and stretching. I started crying and got into my car real quick.

I wasn’t myself for quite a few days. I felt like how I did when I was admitted to the hospital back in May. I asked my close friends why is this happening to me? I really feel like the world is challenging me and I’m in this never ending nightmare. I’m trying so hard to get my health in check. I care and I’m making the effort. I freaked out on one of my close friends crying and screaming that I don’t want to die and how I don’t have a boyfriend, not married, don’t have a house, fucking nothing. I screamed saying how all I have is my health which is true. I yelled at her telling her how I had every right be cry and to be upset because she tried telling me not to cry. I was really mean but you can’t blame me. In that moment I felt absolutely alone and scared. I tried to keep this news away from my parents but it was impossible. I freaked out on my parents and told them what happened and how scared I am. In my parents eyes, they see me as fearless and for them to hear me say that I’m actually scared of something was a huge concern. I didn’t want my mom to freak out and think it’s her fault in any way, but she had called to try to calm me down and told me that I had nothing to be scared of. She’s a brace woman and I really don’t know how she can do it. I tried so much to calm myself down and to not think about it but how can you not freak out about potentially have this disease? It’s not like I have a cold or a bruise.

I had gone to temple because I felt so hopeless. I really felt like no one can understand what I’ve been through in regards to my health and that’s fine. No one can fix it. Not even myself. When I lit some incense and kneeled down to pray, I started crying. I was begging for help in my prayers and to be okay again. I begged for everyone else in my life to be okay. I’ve never been so emotional at temple until that day. I spent quite some time there because it was comforting for me. Before I left I got my Chinese fortune stick reading. I try not to take those things too seriously but if you were me you’d do it, too. I had my dad translate it to me and it basically said you will go through suffering, but you have nothing to worry about and you will be okay. For once I really hope that shit is true.

I’ve been trying my best to stay active and occupied. Business as usual. I’m cringing for the call from the doctor. I really hope that I’ll be okay. I just need this one moment for something good to be on my side. Just this one time.

Earlier today I had messaged my boss when he’ll be coming into the office to get his stuff. He told me later in the evening, which made me think ‘I guess we’re not going to talk in person’. I had gone to the gym at work which is in a separate building but adjacent to my office building. While I was working out I spotted my boss driving in…and I also spotted him failing to get access into the building haha. I’m assuming HR cut off his badge access a bit early. He called me asking me to let him into the building. Unfortunately I left my badge at home in my work bag, but suggested he comes along for the ride since I don’t live too far from work.

As we made way to my place, we finally got to chatting about his departure, who will I be reporting to, how my new workload and responsibilities will be, and some personal conversations. I totally understand why he’s leaving and I don’t blame him at all. I’d definitely leave if I was in his position. He discussed a bit of the work that I’ll be taking on since I will be the sole designer. I told him how that idea stressed me out and of course being the awesome boss that he is, he gave me some words of reassurance. As mentioned in the my post from earlier today about being stressed out about work, hearing from the boss man himself and in person was just really comforting. As we both walked out of the office and made way to our cars, I thanked him for being a great boss and we hugged. I was honestly going to cry during the drive home but I didn’t. It’s a rarity at any job to have a great boss that’s very supportive, encouraging, and just overall awesome. For me to have this happen twice in my career is like seeing a shooting star. I got major big shoes to fill and a reputation to build at this company, and I’m slowly but surely ready to tackle this.

I’ve been pretty down about my boss leaving, work in general and my health. Last night I got together with a few people from my old team for drinks. I haven’t had a drink in quite some time but it was much needed. We got to catching up and throughout the whole time I felt more like myself again. I gave them all very big hugs and got on my way home. Once I got home I felt this relief because of how supportive and encouraging they are. I woke up this morning feeling motivated. I really wish we could all work together again. For now I got to figure my shit out.

I should try to stick it out another year at this job. I really don’t want to keep bouncing around and go through the job search and interview process again or for at least any time soon. Plus I love the stability and benefits of this job but I know other places can offer me even more. However, I had updated my resume last week and have a list of projects to add to my portfolio. Gonna design some updated business cards. I’m doing all of this in case I decide to jump off board this ship. I’ve also considered the idea of transferring to a different team or requesting a location transfer. Gonna have a talk with my boss about that before he goes.

I’ve browsed at jobs on LinkedIn and there’s some good stuff out there. I’m a bit hesitant to pull the trigger because as I mentioned I don’t want to be job hopping. I might reach out to a contact that I’ve through networking and friends for feedback on my portfolio. I just feel like my portfolio is alright and could be pushed further to its potential. I’ll spend some time browsing at other designer’s portfolios to see what I can improve on. Also side projects are important for me to include but that is literally another job in itself.

Overall, I know what I need to get done if I want to stay at this job or leave.

Yesterday I got my blood work done and I’m really scared for what my results will be. The night before I kept telling my parents to go light some incense and pray for me. I told my mom to light the entire container of incense and pray hard for me. She laughed as well as I did, but I was serious. I will meet with my doctor next week and as my appointment date gets closer I feel so much anxiety and stress. I keep hoping for good news since I’ve been busting my ass in taking care of my health. I’m getting frustrated with taking my medication and sometimes I get really frustrated with my meals. Not like what I’m eating is entirely terrible but I’m pretty much confined to a eating schedule. It’s annoying, but I’m used to it. I try my best to look on the brighter side of things since I am seeing progress. I’ve lost 10 lbs this month, which is pretty awesome. I work out 5-6 times a week so I better be losing some weight!

Yesterday I also found out that my boss is leaving and his last day is next week. W-T-F? I feel so left in the dark about this news. The worst part is that I will literally be the only designer now. My boss did some design work part time while managing as well. He mentioned to me that we will need to talk about me being the sole designer. My stress level went up even more. I look at both sides of it. It’ll be a great opportunity to step up and lead, but at the same time I want to be with a team of DESIGNERS, not ENGINEERS. It’s really tough and I don’t know if I want to stick around for that battle. My boss is great, extremely supportive and it was refreshing to have that again. This is literally like deja vu when my previous boss at my last job quit. Seriously, c’mon now. I kinda went into panic mode and decided to update my resume immediately which surprisingly didn’t take too long. I’ve transferred my work files to my personal computer and made a list projects from work to add to my portfolio. I guess I’m preparing myself to jump off this boat if I have to. I was browsing at jobs via LinkedIn and elsewhere. Thing is I don’t want to quit and start a new job elsewhere…only to quit again because I want to move out of state. Ugh…I really hope I don’t get fucked over, but I’m keeping my guard up.

With all of these things occurring, I realized that I need to take time off from work. I’m waiting for how my doctor’s appointment will go next week to determine if I should reward myself with mini getaway or not. Mentally I feel stuck and lost…as if something is missing and things aren’t feeling right. I need a break and need to disconnect. For now, I will have to keep it simple and tonight I treated myself to some frozen yogurt, in bed with a sheet mask and ready to binge watch some tv.

July 12 marked my 4th year living here. Honestly, I’m surprised I’m still even here. As for my thoughts of living in Cali…it all really remains the same. I find Californians to be extremely flakey and wack as fuck with an exception of like two people. I don’t really care that it’s always sunny which was never a ‘must have’ on my list for why I even moved here. Dating wise, the guys are just as lame and have yet to meet someone to prove me wrong. I know I sound pretty negative but hey it’s all true. Anyways, I’ve done well for myself career rise. There’s growth, but right now I feel like the growth has kinda stopped and maybe I need to venture off to somewhere new. I’m not sure. I’ve noticed I feel so annoyed by continuing to live here. However, I’m just not in a rush to move anywhere yet until I get my health in check. For now I’m hanging in there until I decide what’s my next move.