Since my last post, I shut down and shut folks out. Both my personal life and work life was hitting me really hard. My stress was getting so bad that my heart rate had increased a lot. That was freaking me out. I found myself feeling so angry and I didn’t want to take that out on anyone. I told myself I had to really disconnect myself.
I had stopped talking to my 2 old coworkers/friends. I deleted this app that we use to keep in touch and I deleted our group text messages. I noticed the more I was in the conversation, it made me feel worst. They were basically talking to each other and I really had nothing to say, but here and there they would be like ‘where are you?’. I got annoyed and told them that I’m really heartbroken right now and fed up with a few things, that I need privacy and that I hope they understand. This was over a week ago and neither one of them has said a word to me since then.
My boiling point was how they were constantly on my case about either buying property, having a boyfriend, etc. It was exhausting to justifying myself. My friends back home wouldn’t do this to me. Despite a few bumps in the road, I’m relatively content with my living situation and whatnot. If I was that miserable, I would’ve left already. I also felt that since I’m not living in the same city as them, I wasn’t really a part of the crew. Overall, it got way too cliquey for me and I couldn’t deal with it anymore. They’re nice people, but I don’t think they realize their actions and behavior. I don’t want to point the obvious to them and make it into a big thing, so I’d rather just peacefully step back.
With work, it’s a shit show. I was getting so angry every day that I would literally be yelling at people and cursing a lot. I was clearly frustrated but that’s because I care about what I do, my team and whatnot. It was just so much coming at me every week. I would browse here and there for quick getaway and felt that I really need to chill out with my spending since I’ve spent a lot on upcoming travels for this year. But, I really needed to get out of town for my own sanity sake. I was pretty angry last week and while waiting for my teammate that was in town to grab drinks, I sporadically booked a trip to Seattle…and it’s in 3 days. It was a bit pricey, but honestly I need to go, disconnect from work and recharge my batteries. I told my boss about my mini “vacation” and how I’ll be taking work off. With how I was behaving, I realized how I really wasn’t myself. Shit, it was a really poor reflection in who I was and I didn’t want to showcase anymore of that raging bitch anymore. Not cute nor necessary.
Prior to dealing with all of that, I’ve stopped working out entirely for the past 2 months. It’s terrible. I went from working out 5-6 days a week back to zero. Thankfully I’ve been able to maintain the weight that I’ve lost which has been great, but really I needed to be physically active again. Despite not working out, I’ve kept track of my weight with doing weekly weigh ins. It’s by no means to focus on the numbers too much. More as a reference, that’s all. The boujee gym that I signed up for months ago finally opened today. I stopped going to the gym at work since it was becoming almost an inconvenience for me with their hours and driving over. My new gym is literally down the street and makes it much more flexible to go. I’m paying a hefty price for this gym, but it’s so worth it with all of their equipment and amenities. It’s also a major investment in my health, so I’m totally fine with that.
Along with starting my workout regiment again, I’ve started meditating again as well as a means to get my stress under control. When I saw my heart rate number it made me so anxious and it really scared me. I didn’t want to end up back in the hospital by myself again. So with the shit that I was dealing with in my personal and work life, I really needed to give myself a reality check in regards to my health. I stopped taking care of myself and I let things really impact me in so many ways. Physically I was gradually becoming out of shape again, and mentally and emotionally I was a straight up mess. I’m taking baby steps in taking better care of myself and to not let myself drown in negativity and chaos.
I’m doing a lot of reflecting and I want to be in a better place with myself. I want this moment to truly better myself. I’ve spent time thinking about the person that I was before and the person that I’ve become, and I’m not happy with this person. Some days I’m not sure what it is, whether it’s my depression or some bullshit, but I am trying my best to not let my depression interfere with this process of self-improvement. It’s a constant struggle for me.
I just want to be the best version that I can be.