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Alan Walker – Faded 

I could easily type up my whole rant but I’ll simply put it this way: I’m having a very rough time with things and I really want to go home to be around my parents and friends.

Today I’ve been trying to catch up on sleep and e-mails that I attempted to ignore while I was away traveling. When I woke up from my nap, my mom called and this is where I get freaked out. She called asking me symptoms for a heart attack since my dad was saying he was having chest pains lately. My parents had planned to go to the hospital as soon as they closed their business tonight. I told her to keep me updated with my dad’s status and what the doctor says.

It was hard for me to go about my evening trying to get chores and work done. I just sat there feeling so worried and attempting to distract myself. I didn’t want to keep calling my parents to see what was happening. I just had to stay calm. I was starting to look at flights to go home in case anything got really serious. I was prepared to book a flight as I continued playing the waiting game.

Hours later my mom called me back reporting that my dad was okay. I was veryyy relieved to hear that. He had felt some gas blocked in his chest and the doctor gave him some liquid to drink to clear it up. My dad felt better drinking that stuff that he wanted more of it haha. The doctor gave him more to take home and my parents cooked themselves a late dinner once they got home.

After speaking to my mom, my dad hogged the phone to let me know that he’s okay. I told them how I didn’t eat dinner yet because I was so worried and was ready to come home if I had to. The more my dad told me he felt better, I just started crying and felt guilty for living so far. I had to hang up on him since I was starting to cry hysterically. He’s my best friend and to hear about anything bad happening to him does a big number on those heart strings. It made me question how much longer will I stay here in Cali or what if the next time it’s something serious.

It’s a very unsettling feeling and I just feel very anxious about everything that’s happening back home.

I just got back from Boston on Thanksgiving night. It was such an exhausting day since I was practically traveling all day. I was there for 2 weeks and was considering on even extending my trip, but unfortunately I have to be a responsible adult and return back to Cali. Oddly every time when I go back it feels like I never left. This is my second time where I’ve stayed for 2 weeks and I felt like I either never moved or I was back for a month. I really miss it a lot. During the last 2-3 days of my trip I tend to get pretty emotional since I know how homesick I’ll be when I go back to Cali.

On my way to the airport I got teary eyed a bit as I stared out the window aimlessly listening to music. When I finally got to the airport and checked in and all, I went to have a few drinks since I had too much time to kill before my flight. I didn’t want to be emotional about leaving along with a few other things, but I couldn’t help it. So I just kept drinking to numb these thoughts. After boarding and the plane taking off, the tears started streaming. I probably sound like a drunk mess, but I promise I was fine lol. I get the most upset whenever the plane takes off because I’m really sad to leave Boston.

I’m happy I got to see my friends and to catch up like old times. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to do as much nor see that many people since I’m still dealing with sciatica. It’s gradually getting better but I was really scared to go off anywhere by myself and the thought of falling without anyone with me freaked me out a lot. So I just stuck with my plans rather than doing my usual roaming around the city. Pretty bummed out that I couldn’t do certain things, but there’s always next time. Also, I dealt with a cold while I was there since I wasn’t getting much sleep after long nights with friends, which kinda screwed up some of my plans.

M’s annual Thanksgiving pot luck was alright. A much smaller group this year and strangely there was a lot of girls attending this year. Usually it’s a much larger group and we’re a lot louder, but this year was much more low key. I was excited to hear from B and that he was going to be coming. When B had arrived my friends made me go get the door for him as they changed seats while I was gone so I could sit next to him and for them to be able to tease me some more about him lol. Asshole friends haha. B seemed a bit bored during this event and so I had extended an invite to him to join my close friend J and I for drinks the next night. I was pretty glad he came along and no not because I have a crush on him. Just the more, the merrier.

Came Monday was when I woke up with a cold. I immediately cancelled plans with another friend. Felt bad but I really wasn’t up for it and plus I was working remotely. I just felt so out of it. That day B and I were suppose to hang out but plans were still up in the air. As I was working remotely at M’s place in my pj’s, out of nowhere B shows up at the door. I was a bit embarrassed since I wasn’t dressed and looked like a hot mess lol. When I opened the door, I was greeted with a hug and he delivered me some milk tea which was very sweet of him. We were just chatting and then he had asked about my sciatica. I told him it’s gradually getting better but my leg and back still hurts. Soon he reveals that he got licensed to be a masseuse in Japan lol. I was like wtf?? lol. Next thing you know he was just touching my ENTIRE leg (I was wearing shorts, too) where no man’s hand should go that far unless you’re my boyfriend lol. I felt so embarrassed and was so happy that M and her hubby was at work lol. I could imagine all the shit they’d give me if they were around. Anyways, I appreciated the massage and my leg was feeling a little bit better. I got an offer for a back massage but told him he’s done enough lol and I didn’t feel comfortable with him touching me that much. Talk about copping some feels lol. But my friends were entertained by this story sighs haha…

Eventually I made my way to my parents house. I have to say I wasn’t really spending that much while I was with my friends, but when I got to my parents I swear they were gonna leave me going back to Cali broke haha. Since I’m at a semi-stable job, it was nice that I was able to splurge on them. One day we went to visit my grandma and prior to visiting her I took my mom grocery shopping at the Asian market. Where my folks live there are no Asian markets so whenever I’m back my mom takes advantage of it mainly buying ingredients to make herbal soups. I was hoping she wouldn’t fight me on paying for the overfilled cart of groceries and luckily she got distracted and was able to quickly pay. Next day I had to take my dad to renew his license since he speaks pretty broken English. Paid for that and bought him a new pair of shoes. Another night treated them to hot pot dinner and helped them buy some stuff for their business. Talk about spoiled, but I’m really happy I am financially able to do this for them. They appreciate it and feel less worried about me since I am able to provide for them again like I used to be able to when I was living back Boston.

Overall, it was a good trip despite a few bumps in the road. When I woke up the next day after coming back to Cali, I really felt like I never went to Boston. It’s really strange. I’m not sure as to when I’ll be going back since I’ve made quite a few trips going back this past year. We shall see, but I miss everyone so much.

Back to my quiet, workaholic life…

I’m dealing with some scary stuff right now and it’s been extremely stressful the past couple of days. It’s been hard to sleep since I am just beyond scared and upset. Basically my left leg isn’t functioning properly. It feels very weak, numb and it tingles and my knee is stiff, but I’m still able to walk around a bit. As for driving, my left leg gets uncomfortable for sitting in the car for too long. I noticed all of this on Sunday morning. I had worn heels the night before since I had a wedding to attend and the next morning I noticed my left leg felt weird. I was planning on going to the gym that morning, but opted for a walk around the neighborhood to see how I feel. I walked it off a bit and decided maybe I should see what would happen if I tried to lightly jog. Major mistake. I fell and scrapped my knee. Not the brightest idea. I had walked back home and tried to use my left foot first to step into my place since there’s a small step. Yeah, I fell AGAIN. I panicked really bad and got really scared.

Pretty sure it’s sciatica from all the symptoms that I have. I felt so immobile yesterday and it sucked. I was too scared to get up and do anything in case I might fall again and no one is around. That idea alone made me feel extremely unhappy. This is the down side of living somewhere where you don’t have your family or friends around. If I was back in Boston, I’d have plenty of help. But what’s the use of an emergency contact when they live across the country? My parents called me last night and I always try to not worry them about anything, but this case I had to let them know what was wrong. Of course they became extremely concerned and I felt horrible for having them know what was wrong, but this is something I can’t hide.

There’s complications with my health insurance which a major blocker, otherwise I would’ve seen the doctor already and not even be writing about this. But I feel extremely helpless and alone dealing with this. It’s hard not for me to cry as much as I am about it because I really have no one to turn to. Luckily I’ve gotten the health insurance issue straightened out, but I still have to wait 2 weeks. I really miss my family and friends and times like this I highly consider moving back. It really scares me that what if something else happens and no one can come help me. I’m just extremely upset and I’m really hoping that I get better. Luckily with my job I am able to work remotely, but still I prefer to be in the office. I went to get a massage today in hopes that it might relieve the pain which it temporarily did. Next step is hopefully I can go to this doctor that my landlord recommends for acupuncture.

I’m just extremely scared to fall asleep and to wake up the next day to my left leg being totally impaired.

I feel very sensitive and emotional right now and all I really want is my family and friends. With some of the recent things that I’ve been dealing with I feel alone. I need comfort from the people I love back home. I know that when I pick up my phone to confide in a friend back home that they’ll always be there, but sometimes that’s not enough. I need to physically be around them. As stupid and corny as this may sound, I just want a hug from my family and friends. I’ll get over this, but I’m just having one of those days where I want to be back in Boston more than anything.

Today marks my second year living in Cali. Has two years really flown by that I’ve moved here? It’s strange. I still feel like it’s my first year living here. Although my first year was a bit of a nightmare. I have to say year two has done me well. Of course over a period of time it takes things for the dust to settle. Looking back to where I was last year and now, there’s a big difference. I’m in a much better place emotionally than before. I remember how often I cried a year ago and it was very hard on me. Now I’m really enjoying the ride. I’m at a job where I’ve progressed in my career. I’ve accomplished what I wanted to in my career as well. Most importantly I’ve finally found a boss that respects me and values my opinions and for me to be a part of a team that works so cohesively together. That’s the most important thing to me. The paycheck is just a bonus. It’s an awesome feeling knowing how hard I’ve worked to be where I’m currently at.

Whenever I share my story about my move from Boston to Cali, the passion and determination that I have about my career, and to gradually rise to where I want to be people are impressed. I get complimented with being told how brave and ambitious I am. More importantly the respect I get for my hard work and the decisions I had to make to get to where I’m at. That has been very rewarding. I don’t fuck around with it comes to my work. My boss is well aware of it, too. I remember during my phone interview when I had shared with him the story about my move and how I legit up and left, he was ready to hire me because of what I did. It was nice to get applauded by my own boss for doing something scary yet fulfilling. My family and friends over the years has seen me succeed and struggle in my career. But for my current boss and awesome team that I work with to understand my passion and ambition is great. They’ve seen me get teary eyed when things went wrong, or when my ass is tired from the commute but still able to deliver great design and whatnot. When you can witness that side of me, you’ll get a better idea as to who I am. I pull through because I’m very strong willed and determined.

As for my social life, it has improved a bit. I’ve learned that friendships with Californians are practically non-existent. Why you ask? Because they’re all flakey as fuck and hold no loyalty to their friendships. I’m not about that. When I say I’m down for whatever, you best believe that I am. Plus I actually give a fuck about people that I consider my friends. Cali folks are just plain wack. No fucks given if you’re offended or not. It’s the truth. Anyways, it’s been nice reconnecting with my friend from Boston that also moved to Cali during the past couple of months. She understands a lot of the things I’ve dealt with, especially the people. It’s just nice to have someone here to exchange our experiences with each other. She’s exposed me to a few other Boston transplants that she knows, which has been great. I have an even better time with these people because we just understand each other.

Regardless of how long I decide to stay here, Cali will forever be a big transition to me. It’s still hard for me, but things has gotten better. Although my career goals has been accomplished, I hope other aspects of my life will improve as well. I can only hope for the better but all in all things will fall into its place itself. I haven’t forced anything to really happen in my life besides my career. Things aren’t the greatest to my standards, but it isn’t horrible. I’m somehow still on this journey and riding things out. Boston will forever be home to me and I will continue to consider this a long business trip. For now, I’m ready for what else is going to come my way.

I’m currently back in the east coast visiting my parents. This was an unexpected and quick trip for me. I didn’t really inform any of my friends since I planned on devoting a lot of my time to my parents. The last time I had came back to visit I was drifting in all different directions to make time for friends and of course for my parents. But I just really wanted to give them all of my time and attention when I came back. However I did have to crash at a close friend’s place since I felt like I was on the never ending plane ride. I had two long layovers, bounced from 3 planes and the last thing that I wanted to do was to get on an hour long bus ride from the airport to my parents.

It was nice to have a break to linger around Boston by myself for a bit before my friend got home for me to rest. First thing I realized was how much I do NOT miss the humidity. I’d much rather come back when it’s the fall or winter. I’ve gotten too use to that dry heat in the west coast. I headed straight to Chinatown once I got out of the airport. I took a little stroll and was just kind of taking everything in. I found it hard to believe I was here in the old stomping grounds. I was reminiscing a lot and felt very overwhelmed with emotions. This trip was definitely much needed and I was glad I came back. I gradually made way to my favorite childhood hole in the wall joint: Wai Wai!! Haha. If you don’t know about Wai Wai then you’re missing out. It’s hands down the most BOMB rice plate I’ve had since I was little. My dad used to get me a rice plate to go and we’d go to the barber shop next door so he can get his cut and chill with his friends. Anyways, I immediately knew what to get. I got the chicken with scallion ginger sauce, which is what they’re mostly known for and I also got roasted duck and roasted pork. I must’ve been really hungry because I inhaled all of that food so quickly. The same lady that has run the place for years is usually known to be a little mean and standoffish, but towards the end of my meal and after I paid she actually smiled at me and said thank you lol. I was taken back by that.

After my meal I decided to check out Cafe Nero since it was just down the street in Downtown Boston. I needed fresh air, coffee and I had to check my work e-mail since I did tell my boss that I was going to be working remotely. I ordered a vanilla latte and found a seat outside. I was really hoping to be a bit incognito during my visit to Boston, but that didn’t last long. I ran into a familiar face and did some quick catching up. So much for not having anyone know that I was back in town. Boston is really too small for its own good haha. I had to end the conversation with my friend since my close friend told me she was home from work. I was ready to just drop off my luggage and lay down. Plus, the vanilla latte was shitty so I was ready to leave Cafe Nero ASAP! I was so happy to enjoy the air conditioning on the train. I felt so gross from flying and the damn humidity. During the train ride to my friend’s place, I felt so relaxed. It’s been awhile since I’ve been on public transportation since living in Cali has made me heavily dependent on my car. That’s just the major downside of living in Cali.

When I arrived to my friend’s, I had freshened up and we went to the Museum of Fine Arts. Prior to my trip home I wanted to see what exhibits were currently up at the MFA. I was extremely excited to see the Hokusai exhibit at the MFA and included that as a part of my agenda. My friend lives close by so it wasn’t like it was out of my way especially staying at her place. I’ll have to write another post on that exhibit since I took lots of photos, but if you’re in the Boston area I highly suggest it. It was such a beautiful exhibit. After all of that museum fun, I finally got to lay down and relax before another friend would meet up with us for dinner. I had requested that we eat hot pot for dinner, but I was bummed out that we didn’t get to go to where I wanted to, which was okay. They had taken me to this relatively new hot pot restaurant called Asiana Sushi Shabu. They basically serve all you can eat hot pot and sushi. I passed on the sushi since I do prefer the sushi in Cali better than Boston. This place just reminded me of an upgraded version of Hot Pot Buffet in Chinatown. It was alright, but I definitely left feeling stuffed. It was really nice to see my friends before I went off to my parents the next day.

The next morning I was Cape Cod bound and damn I was extremely tired. It was not fun being squished in the train during the morning rush hour, but I oddly once again I do miss public transportation and those little things that comes along with it. As soon as I reached my destination, my dad had picked me up from the bus station. The old man was just too excited to see me, but I am daddy’s little girl after all haha. Prior to my bus ride I had made a stop to Chinatown to pick up from buns for my parents and their employees. Figured they’d want something to go with their morning coffee. My dad and I made a pit stop to their business, where I was not only able to drop off the baked goods, but I got to see my mom as well. I gave her a big hug when I saw her. I felt really safe again to have my mom’s arms around me and it was nice. Throughout my trip here it wasn’t that exciting. I mainly worked remotely, spent time with my parents and stayed home since I was carless. When I got to my parents house I was welcomed by a big pot of tong yuen, which is basically this Chinese dough ball soup. My mom throws in some mushrooms, Chinese sausage, daikon, cilantro and her homemade shrimp balls. I definitely miss mom’s home cooking!! I enjoyed sitting down at the dinner table with my parents. Since my parents live in Cape Cod and there’s an abundance of seafood in the community, my mom cooked up some freshly caught local clams and lobster. It was fricken AMAZING!!! After dinner I’d either join my mom or dad in our little one on one hangout. One night I was laying in bed with my mom watching these video blogs on Youtube. She enjoys watching the SacconeJolys as much as I do and that has now become our thing. Another night I was helping my dad in the garage with a new shelf he built. The next night I watched him do his nightly routine of playing the erhu while he listens to Chinese opera. These little moments meant a lot to me and it was very comforting.

Ever since last night while I was watching my dad play his erhu I got really sad. I knew my time would go by so fast as if I was never here. I’ve just been in this funk all day because this is the last time I’ll be in this household where it’s just myself and my parents. I also have lunch plans with friends tomorrow before I go to the airport and I know I’m going to be a cry baby. I was hesitant on following through with the lunch plans with my friends because I’m horrible at saying goodbye. I know the moment I see them up until the moment we hug and part ways, the waterworks is going to kick into overdrive. Whenever my parents or friends hug me, I get so sad because I feel like they’re all protecting and comforting me. I’m very lonely in Cali and to come back to Boston to an abundance of open arms and good people in my life is hard to leave. I know the last time when I had left and got onto the bus to head to the airport, I legit cried from the moment I got onto the bus and all the way back to Cali. That’s how upset I was. I can sense it happening already. I would prefer not to see anyone on the morning I leave to the airport just to make leaving a lot easier on me. This is how I’ll always be and there’s nothing wrong with that. I just love this city so much along with all of my family and friends here. I know the moment I get back to Cali I’ll be really homesick and in a funk. I’ve already braced myself for this. Hopefully one day I’ll overcome this and get better at saying goodbye. For now I don’t mind being the big cry baby amongst my group of friends. They’re all too good to me and I wish I can take them all with me.