Cold Dreams

I went to bed pretty early last night since I’m trying to wake up at a more consistent time and I had a lot of things to get done today. I woke up at 3AM from having a dream about PC. I woke up feeling so confused and just got some water, shook it off and went back to bed…only to continue the  dream. Apparently we were in an apartment complex/hotel and he was staying across the hall from me and oddly my parents were in the dream, too. I was hanging out with my parents and when I opened the door to leave, I see PC across the hall. My mom welcomed him to come over, which was weird. It was really awkward. I just remember feeling so hurt and sad in that moment. PC went back across the hall and this is where I kept waking up and falling back asleep into the dream. Weird shit. I remember seeing him with some girls and I got really upset. Then he told me he was telling them how much he needed me. There was just a lot of back and forth of warm and cold coming from him. I just remember right before I finally woke up, I just felt so much coldness from him. He told me he didn’t want me and some other hurtful things. I woke up feeling really sad because it all felt so real.

It was the most bizarre dream that I’ve ever had especially about him. I’d be lying if he hasn’t crossed my mind lately. Since it is Lunar New Year, I suddenly remembered how he had texted me Happy New Year a couple years ago. I really don’t want to make a big deal about it, yet some how it is. While I was out yesterday running some errands, I just kept thinking about him. I shouldn’t care. I want to let go. So much time has passed and yet he still comes to mind here and there. FUCKING WHY?!  This is really getting to be super pathetic. At some point during my day today while I was trying to do some work, I felt so frustrated with myself for even letting these feelings and thoughts get to me since I really want to get him out of my system and that dream just really bothered me, that I started crying. I know that we’ll never speak to each other again and he has probably moved on. That’s the truth that I have to face yet throughout the hard times that I’ve been put through last year, I wish he was there. Out of all the people, I don’t know why HIM specifically. I can’t really recall feeling the way that I did for another guy after him. I’ve had people throughout my life say incredibly shitty things to me whether they were strangers or close friends, but I think the worst part was how cold was to me. To have that lingering along with his words is just plain hurtful.

I really just want to forget about him already.

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When?

I got back from Seattle last night after spending the long weekend there by myself. It was my first trip where I was by myself and I actually had a great time. Even though I enjoyed myself and as my trip was coming to an end, I felt really sad. I was sad to leave since I’ve grown a fondness for it, but once again PC came to mind. I just want to be able to come back to Seattle without him ever crossing my mind. It’s like the more you try to disregard it, the more it’s in your face. This time around I found myself with more thoughts of how he treated me instead of the much more happier, pleasant thoughts of him. Unfortunately, it still really hurts and I just really want to let it all go. It’s sad when the much more fonder memories that you remember is glazed over with how cold someone can be. When do the thoughts and remnants of feelings go away? Does it ever? How much longer? It’s been so long since we’ve spoken and I just want him out of my system. It’s just pathetic at this point for any of this to still linger.

Both times when I had left the airport in Seattle to go to my hotel and leaving my hotel to go to the airport, I sat by the window seat and stared out aimlessly. My chest felt so heavy and oddly enough I felt like crying and letting it all out. I felt this weird comfort blanket while I was in Seattle. I haven’t cried since I came back from Boston nearly 3-4 weeks ago. I remember the night I came back, which was the same day of my granduncle’s funeral, I had taken a long shower to calm me down. Once the lights were off and I was in bed, I cried so hard and I just wanted to let it all out. I didn’t want to be in that position again, but tonight I find myself crying like that again. It’s been very difficult for me to simply be myself. It was so painful for me to return to work and to keep it moving. It’s still an adjustment for me and I just don’t want to come off not performing well because of family matters.

During my trip in Seattle I felt like I was being more of my old positive and productive self. I worked out everyday during my entire trip and hung out at coffee shops reading like I used to. I haven’t worked out in so long and it was refreshing. So far I’m sticking to my routine. I haven’t gone out to a coffee shop to read in awhile because I just wanted to isolate myself. I’m trying to pull myself out of this hole and to take better care of myself. I talk to my parents, especially my mom every single day. I try my best to be as supportive as I can, but it’s hard for me. I hate to sound so selfish by saying that and of course I want to make her smile and do anything that I can to take away any of her pain, but I wish she didn’t have leukemia. Last week while I was at the eye doctor’s and with having to be asked routine questions on medical history in my family, I cringed. When the guy asked about cancer in the family, I was legit going to start crying my eyes out right there when I had to answer him. When do you feel “okay” to answer that question?

Since being back from Boston, I have my good and bad days. Today is a bad day and I’m sure I’ll have more days like this. I think mentally I’m trying my hardest to make everything better again and it’s so overwhelming that I started crying. So I ask again, when does this heartache go away? How much longer will I have to deal with this? Will this ever go away?

Hold My Hand

I just want my hand to be held very firmly to reassure me that everything will be okay. You don’t have to know what’s wrong. I don’t want to talk nor hear what you have to say. I just want to sit there, embrace each other’s silence and hold your warm hand.

It’s getting harder each day and this heartache hurts more.

Shake It Off

I’ve been struggling to sleep tonight and I have to be up on a couple of hours to drive my friend to the airport. As I’ve been laying here in bed for the past couple of hours, I can’t stop thinking about PC.

For whatever reason I thought about the time he texted me out of the blue. It was October 2014. I was at work and just hopped into a conference room about to start off my day with a morning meeting. I was sitting there by myself waiting for my boss and the rest of my team to join the meeting. I noticed my phone lit up and it was a text message from PC. He asked if I would be free sometime in November. I just stared at my phone and felt so surprised and confused. I didn’t know what to say besides staring aimlessly at the blinking text indicator mark for me to type a response back. I felt happy to hear from him yet more sad than anything. At that time we haven’t spoken in awhile so that text message caught me off guard.

Even though my meeting had started, I quickly replied with asking why. He simply said that he wanted to see me. My heart sank and at that moment I wished I wasn’t stuck in this meeting or even at work. I just wanted to cry because I was so confused. I wanted to see him but reality is we haven’t spoken in awhile and when we last did, it wasn’t on the best of terms. I responded back with telling him how I’d love to see him but we haven’t resolved anything and it wouldn’t be a good idea. There were a couple text messages after that, but I remember ending the conversation with telling him to forget about me. During that moment I felt like my heart got ripped out of my chest. Even having to type that up again in this post hurts me still. Of course I didn’t want him to forget about me, but I felt like it was the best and simple solution to everything between us. I couldn’t see any resolution for us.

But yeah, that moment is still so clear in my mind even though it was so long ago. I can’t seem to shake that thought out of my mind nor do I even know how or why that thought came to me tonight. I wish it was easy to shake these type of things off. Honestly I think my trip to Seattle rekindled so many memories for me that I thought I threw away somewhere but nope.

I really want to forget about it all even though I don’t want to. It’s doing me no good and c’mon I don’t even keep in touch with him at all. I just feel so pathetic to have these feelings and thoughts still. I guess I didn’t realize how truly heartbroken I was. When will it go away?

Exes & Marriage

During a Skype date with my parents the other night after work, I was hoping my parents won’t bring up marriage to me. I totally jinxed myself. I just brushed the whole topic off because I didn’t know what to say to them anymore. But honestly, marriage has been heavily on my mind lately along with several other things. I’m gradually seeing a lot of my friends getting engaged and it freaks me out that I’ll be the single, old lady. I don’t want to be that woman, but I’m not going to force anything with anyone just to get wifed up. For me it’s a lot more than to be with your significant forever. It’s about building your own family with that person and much more. I want to be married. I want to have children. I want to have it all. Sometimes when I’m out at my usual Sunday spot reading and I see a family spending time together, I’m so envious of that. I feel very sad for myself yet so jealous of wanting what they have. I’m not the kind of girl to want materialistic items. I’m very simple minded. So, to be married with children would be the most priceless thing I can ever have and nothing can top that.

What really persuaded me to write this entry is discovering that a long time ex-boyfriend of mines is getting engaged…to the girl he cheated on me with. That was an even bigger slap in the face for me. Not only did we share many years together or have all this history, but to know he’s marrying the girl he left me for made me feel even more worthless. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. I had another ex-boyfriend that cheated on me for a long time crush. They eventually got hitched as well and I felt like I got stabbed in the heart so many times. This is like deja vu for me all over again. It’s hitting me harder than it did several years ago. It’s most likely because we had a much stronger history than the other ex. Just because I’m upset about it doesn’t mean I want to get back with the ex. I had loved him so much and a part of me wondered “why not me?”. He was my last serious and long relationship. Can you blame me to feel the way that I feel knowing he’s marrying the side chick? I’m just very hurt. With all of the other things I have going on, this was the last thing that I wanted to even hear.

Am I this much shitty of a woman that no man wants me and I’m not wifey material? I hate having this horrible luck with men. That’s why I haven’t tried dating lately. It’s exhausting. What is wrong with me?

This Time

 

John Legend – This Time

Ran into you yesterday
Memories rushed through my brain
it started to hit me
now you’re not with me
I realized I made a mistake
I thought I needed some space
But I just let love go to waste
It’s so crystal clear now
that I need your here now
I gotta get you back today

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be your man
I can be all you need
This time it’s all of me.

I hit the bar everynight
Looking to score a good time
It’s not like I planned it
I’m left empty handed
‘Cause im still alone in my mind
Now what will it take to feel right
Can I come see you tonight?
Is there someone new now?
What can I do now?
‘Cause I need you back by my side.

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be your man
I can be all you need
This time its all in me.

Last time I wasn’t sure
This time I will give you more
I’m more mature
I’ll show you
Last time I didn’t know
I messed up and let you go
I need you
don’t say no.

Lying alone in this room
All that is missing is you
pick up the phone
Won’t you come home?

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be your man
I can be all you need
This time it’s all of me.


Tonight I just need to get it all out of my system and to sleep it off. I know this feeling won’t disappear overnight or anytime soon, but tomorrow is my birthday. I just want to have a good day tomorrow and to be happy.

Good night.

Pointless

Ever have those days where you feel slightly optimistic that you’re day goes well and some parts of it does until that one thing. That one thing that can mean so little to someone else but it can mean the biggest thing to you. Yup, that’s happening to me right now. I feel as if I’ve been hit by a bus or got a huge slap in the face. It sucks. You think when you’ve shielded yourself from the worst, well you clearly thought wrong. I just feel my heart being broken into so many pieces. This is only adding onto what I’ve been feeling.

I thought for the most part I’ve forgotten about you, but it seems as though you’ve beat me to it. I shouldn’t be surprised about that. I’m just hurting over here so badly. All I ever wanted was you and for things to work out. I wanted a lot of things from you that I will never get because of your ways.

Clearly I still care but at this point what’s the use?