Health Progress

I had a follow up doctor’s appointment yesterday. Per usual I was pretty nervous and anxious for what my blood results will reveal. The past week I slept like total shit because I was that anxious. I kept overthinking a lot of things and wondering if I’ll be on less or more medicine. It’s been 6 months since I’ve been on a lot of medicine along with a few other things. Having to wake up to this new routine and having it be my new normal made me unhappy, but it was an eye opener. I was starting to have more days where I woke up feeling frustrated because I was on this set routine where I had to take my medicine and eat certain meals, etc. I would set alarms on my FitBit to remind me of when to take my medicine, when to eat, etc. I fucking hated it, but I know it was to get me better again. I was getting to the point where I just wanted to say “fuck it”. It was really getting to me and all I wanted was good news.

And good news came. My doctor shared with me of my results and thankfully I am off of one medication and I don’t have to do another thing anymore. FUCK YES! I’m down to 2 medication now and before it was 3. One that I will take for the rest of my life, and hopefully I will be off of the other one next. I’ve busted my ass really hard at the gym and changing my eating habits to get the results that I wanted to get. I knew that I worked so hard, but in the back of my mind I was scared that what if the results came back with something bad. It’s hard not to think about anything bad when it comes to doctors and your health.

Last night I slept well and more at ease again. Right now I feel good and I’m happy with the progress of my health. It was definitely great news to kick off this holiday break and to start off the upcoming new year.


Routine Reassurance

For the past few months, I’ve been on a pretty good workout routine and I was eating pretty healthy. Of course not all routines are meant to last unless you’re crazily disciplined but then again you wouldn’t really be human. Since going back to Boston in September for 2 weeks and with traveling to Colorado last week, my routine is messed up. When I had traveled to both Boston and Colorado, I brought workout clothes with me and tried to stick with getting a workout in or at least even a walk. Besides failing with working out, I’ve been eating like shit. Not entirely shitty but definitely not the best. Alcohol has creeped its way back into my life and that’s no bueno.

I’ve gained 5lbs in the past 2 months which isn’t a huge deal for a lot of people but I was suppose to lose another 10-15lbs around this point. I know, I know…the faster you drop the weight, the quicker you can easily gain it back. I was really dedicated to getting my health back in check and now I’m really freaking the fuck out. I know I shouldn’t get too caught up with the numbers but I am. I have an upcoming follow up appointment with my doctor to see my progress and I’m scared what she’ll say to me. This Friday I have to get blood work done and I’m terrified to not only get stabbed again for my blood, but I’m terrified for what my results will be. I’ve noticed my left leg has been a bit weak and I’m scared shitless if my lack of nutrition and exercise has brought this symptom on or if it could be leading to something more serious. I have a number of thoughts running through my mind.

I was freaking out a lot today since I know both appointments are quickly approaching. I have been trying to gradually get back into my routine again but it’s tough. I’m angry with myself for fucking it up and I’m just being hard on myself. That’s just how I am. I went to temple today to pray for my health to get better so I can do more in this life. I have quite a few setbacks right now because of my health and it sucks. I cried while praying because I want to feel better again. Tonight my friend D shared this fitness reading with me and this one line in the book really triggered me. “The quicker you get back on track the less damage you’ve done.” Such simple words but it really means a lot to me. Tomorrow is a better day and I need to not freak out and to continue trying again.


Last Friday during my doctor’s appointment, I had received good news about my results from my blood work. Yay, right? No… I went back into the office that following Monday and long story short, I had to immediately go get blood work done again. I basically have a 50/50 chance of having a very serious illness. Pretty much the same shit as my mom. I remember getting that phone call from my doctor about having to get blood work done the next morning, asking her questions as to what if my results don’t improve and what the next steps will be. I crumbled in that moment as I sat in my bed absorbing all of the information. I immediately called close friends since I was freaking out really bad. After chatting with one friend, I made way to the gym to clear my mind. I put my anger and frustration into my workout. As I was getting ready to leave the gym, I was laying down and stretching. I started crying and got into my car real quick.

I wasn’t myself for quite a few days. I felt like how I did when I was admitted to the hospital back in May. I asked my close friends why is this happening to me? I really feel like the world is challenging me and I’m in this never ending nightmare. I’m trying so hard to get my health in check. I care and I’m making the effort. I freaked out on one of my close friends crying and screaming that I don’t want to die and how I don’t have a boyfriend, not married, don’t have a house, fucking nothing. I screamed saying how all I have is my health which is true. I yelled at her telling her how I had every right be cry and to be upset because she tried telling me not to cry. I was really mean but you can’t blame me. In that moment I felt absolutely alone and scared. I tried to keep this news away from my parents but it was impossible. I freaked out on my parents and told them what happened and how scared I am. In my parents eyes, they see me as fearless and for them to hear me say that I’m actually scared of something was a huge concern. I didn’t want my mom to freak out and think it’s her fault in any way, but she had called to try to calm me down and told me that I had nothing to be scared of. She’s a brace woman and I really don’t know how she can do it. I tried so much to calm myself down and to not think about it but how can you not freak out about potentially have this disease? It’s not like I have a cold or a bruise.

I had gone to temple because I felt so hopeless. I really felt like no one can understand what I’ve been through in regards to my health and that’s fine. No one can fix it. Not even myself. When I lit some incense and kneeled down to pray, I started crying. I was begging for help in my prayers and to be okay again. I begged for everyone else in my life to be okay. I’ve never been so emotional at temple until that day. I spent quite some time there because it was comforting for me. Before I left I got my Chinese fortune stick reading. I try not to take those things too seriously but if you were me you’d do it, too. I had my dad translate it to me and it basically said you will go through suffering, but you have nothing to worry about and you will be okay. For once I really hope that shit is true.

I’ve been trying my best to stay active and occupied. Business as usual. I’m cringing for the call from the doctor. I really hope that I’ll be okay. I just need this one moment for something good to be on my side. Just this one time.


It’s been a week since I’ve been discharged from the hospital. The week prior I was starting to not feel so well and was in a lot of physical pain. I saw my primary care physician, who put me on antibiotics and strong pain killers and was hoping to send me to a surgeon that same day due to an infection. I wasn’t able to see the surgeon until the next day and when I finally did…FUCK. I’ve never ever cried so much begging the doctor to stop. It wasn’t the surgeon’s fault. I was literally in that much excruciating pain. I had to return the next day to get my bandages changed and the pain got worst during the bandage change. My body literally went into shock from the pain that I was in and from there the surgeon had to send me to the emergency room. Thankfully both days seeing the surgeon, my landlord was kind enough to give me a ride since I really was in no condition to drive. When I returned to the car all shaken up and crying, I told my landlord that I have to go to the ER immediately since they were waiting for me to arrive.

I couldn’t stop crying when I arrived to the ER. I called my friend/work mom about what was happening and of course telling my parents since I had told them about my appointment. Every person that I dealt with, I couldn’t stop crying. I wasn’t crying from the pain at this point. I was crying because my worst nightmare came true. To be hospitalized and alone. I laid there so angry with myself because I felt so defeated that I couldn’t take care of myself. I fucking failed and I have a disease. I know I couldn’t fix, prevent or escape any of it, but give me a fucking break please. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions and thoughts laying there with nurses coming in and out hooking me up to an IV, doing blood work, running tests, giving me lots of antibiotics and whatnot. I think the worst was dealing with various doctors breaking the bad news to me. I hated every inch of myself for every time a doctor had to come in to tell me what’s wrong.

As I kept getting moved around throughout the hospital, I finally got sent to my own room. That moment killed me so bad. I honestly wanted to just die because I was angry, hopeless, unhappy, etc. etc. I really felt I had nothing else to really live for anymore. It wasn’t hard to be negative. Thing is I wasn’t trying to be. Shit, if you were in my position you’d have the same thoughts and emotions running through you as well. To be alone in that pain takes a huge toll on you as well as digesting a new diagnosis. How do you gain any sense of normalcy after this experience?

Thankfully my friend/work mom came to the hospital and spent the night. She was also able to go to my place to get a few of my belongings like my work laptop. I shouldn’t have been doing any work while in the hospital and plus my boss and team knew what was going on with me, but I was gripping on so hard to keep things being in an “okay” state. When she initially arrived, she brought me fresh flowers from her garden which cheered me up. It was a very sweet gesture. My other former colleague/friend came by as well to keep me company during my second day in the hospital. She’s very quirky and walked in with flowers, magazine, coloring book, a stuffed animal and balloon. For herself and her fiancé, they brought champagne, cheese and crackers. It was actually pretty funny. As low as I felt, I really needed that laugh. Both friends took turns in coordinating in coming by to keep me company and I am honestly forever grateful for them doing this. They gradually stopped coming because I was slowly getting better and there wasn’t much of a need for them to literally sit there with me. I didn’t want to take them away from their daily routine and disturb them that much.

During my stay, I met a lot of wonderful nurses and got to know them a bit. It made the stay a bit more bearable. Majority of them were really kind and great to talk to. I had met with this one specialist who’s this 67 year old Filipino woman. She’s the most adorable lady ever and we have a ton in common. She was very informative in helping me understand the next steps as to how to go about my diagnosis, but she was so easy to talk to about many things. Talking to her brought back this comfort that I really needed. Plus I really feel like she made a huge impact in my life and I really can never forget about her. Just some of the things we spoke about hit a trigger for me and it was just so easy to confide in her about so many things without getting judged. She really helped lift up my spirits again and I can’t thank her enough. I actually really miss our conversations.

Coming close to a week being in the hospital, I was getting a lot of cabin fever. It was annoying to be hooked up to an IV and drag that shit with me around. I wanted to go outside for a walk, but I was in pain. I was tired of literally getting so many shots or stabbed with needles for blood work. I had to get an ultrasound done to determine if I would have to stay an additional 1-3 days. Thankfully the results from that turned out well and I was anxiously waiting to get the fuck out. My friend came back to pick up as I was getting ready to be discharged. I had a lot of information thrown at me about after care and blahhh. As I was about to leave, I gave one of my favorite nurses a hug. I thanked her for making me laugh during this difficult time.

Since being home, I’ve lost a bit of weight, I’m on lots of medication and I’m eating even cleaner than before. The day I came back I took an extremely long shower and I literally passed out in my bed. I was extremely sleep deprived since I kept having a nurse check on me constantly. I have lots of follow up appointments coming up. Annoying to have to go but obviously I need to. I have a home care nurse coming daily to help me do the bandage changes. I’ve sent thank you flowers to both friends that visited me in the hospital keeping me company. Another old colleague from my old team sent me this really cute succulent and I sent her a thank you card. My parents were beyond freaked out like any parent would be, but I’ve reassured them that I’ll be okay. It’s hard while I’m trying to absorb this fresh news and trying to reassure my parents at the same time. Tough juggling act. This whole experience has been a very life changing moment that I will never forget and has been a huge eye opener for me.

I’m gradually getting back into the swing of things and I try my best to be positive despite how low I felt. I’m just happy that I’m able to do things for myself again like grocery shopping or basic chores. I’ve gotten into a good routine since being home. I’ll even put on a bit of makeup just to feel relatively put together even though I’m wearing workout clothes. As my friend that came to visit me said, I will come out of this being a new, improved and stronger person from this. I really hope so.

Keep It Moving

I had a bad day where I was just this emotional mess. It’s my fault for bottling a lot of it up inside but then again I was really trying my best to be strong, positive and to keep things moving. During my most recent follow up appointment with the doctor, I’ve been meaning to ask to get a 100% confirmation for my diagnosis. What my previous doctor told me was incorrect and this doctor that specializes in what’s wrong with me confirmed it was something else, but it wasn’t too far of a stretch for what the actual diagnosis was. I remember sitting on that table fighting back tears as I continued to nod my head and acknowledge that words that he had said to me. He described to me the difference between the two things and what my primary diagnosis is. I took in every word that he said the let that sink into my mind. Afterwards he told me that the goal is to help me get stronger and that I’m currently on the right path.

Despite the bad news ending on good news, I couldn’t shake off the exact medical terms for my diagnosis. I remember leaving that office feeling so numb with those words continuously running through my mind. I teared up only a tiny bit once I got into my car, but I tried my hardest to put my emotions on the side since I had to get back to work. This wasn’t entirely new news to me, but it was like a part 2 to getting this type of news after narrowing it down to what it is. Anyways, I had to stay focused on my work and didn’t want this to distract me. Yet as the days went by it became a huge distraction since I was creating a really large void. I really didn’t want to acknowledge the issue myself. I was still in a huge amount of disbelief that “fuck, why me?”.

I haven’t slept well because it’s constantly on my mind and plus I’m in pain so that’s not a helpful reminder either. I’m scared that I’ll wake up with worst symptoms. Not sure what even triggered me to start crying so much today about it, but I guess I really needed to let it out. All of it. In so many ways I wish for the physical pain to go away. I wish this shit never happened to me. I wish my parents and friends from home were physically here. I want someone to hold my hand during this difficult time for me. I haven’t told anyone since I don’t want to freak anyone out. I’m sure at some point I will, but for now I’m still processing it. I know I’m on the right path to healing, but throughout the day I realized I have to live with this and it’s going to fuck me up as I get older. That’s the extremely terrifying part of it all. It’s going to gradually tear me apart. I’m scared for what will happen to me as I age and I can’t stop it. I’m angry with myself that I can’t fix it permanently.

I don’t want to drown myself in this sadness. Right now it just feels like deja vu when I got my first diagnosis from the first doctor. So to be told bad news about your health AGAIN isn’t that great. I just want to be okay. I’m letting this all out so tomorrow will be a new day for me to continue to keep things moving.


I feel like a total vegetable. I literally don’t want to do anything. I just want to stay in bed and sleep all day. I’m trying to pull myself out of this vegging out phase that I’m in right now. I’ve slacked off completely with the routine that I’ve formed and of course once you’re off track it’s hard to get back on track. Trying to kick my own ass to get some work related things done but a part of me is still so discouraged from even making any effort. Today my body just got the shit kicked out of. My physical therapist pushed me pretty hard today and I told her I hate her haha. After physical therapy, I had my medical procedure done today so I need to rest. For now I keep telling myself, “I’ll do it tomorrow”…uh yeah…

Despite my routine with other things, I had my workout routine locked down well before my trip to Boston. I was working out 5 days a week and I felt like my body was getting stronger as I was building up my endurance. I started eating like crap during my visit home and ugh, the struggle to eat clean again is real. I definitely couldn’t resist mom’s home cooking either! Today when I got the mail I received my friend’s wedding invite. Prior to receiving this, I wanted to get in much better shape for her upcoming summer wedding and of course for myself. I started browsing at dresses online as to what I wanted to potentially wear. While browsing I realized, “GET IT TOGETHER GIRL!”. I was physically feeling good before and now I feel like a blob.

Guess I gotta hit the gym next week. Ugh……………… 😦

Happy Tears

After meeting with a specialist last week and getting a really unexpected and sudden medical procedure done, I had found myself getting teary eyed right before I walked out of the appointment. I sat in my car just crying my eyes out. Not like I learned anything new about what’s wrong, but the doctor’s words in describing what was wrong was repeating in my mind continuously and to have this medical procedure be done the next day freaked me the fuck out. I felt so alone because I really had no one to go with me or to even help me. That really got me so upset. I was pretty down that day and I had a big fear that I was going to shut everyone out again. I had plans later that night to attend a design event and even though I wasn’t in the best spirits, I sucked it up and went. I realized it would be easier to hide in the dark than to walk into the light. Even though my friend and I missed half of the event, it was nice to get out and connect with other designers. It helped ease my mind temporarily for me to not think about my health…until I drove home. I got really scared and as much as I didn’t want to, I asked my landlord if he was free to come with me to my medical procedure. I just needed someone to help me drive after I was done. That was it. I foolishly thought about taking an Uber after I was done, but the thought of getting in a car with a stranger after getting something like that done freaked me out even more. Luckily my landlord is such a great guy and agreed to come along with me. That helped ease my stress and anxiety. Physically I’m feeling a bit better and I’m on this journey of healing. It’s going to be a long work in progress, but there is progress at least.

Last night I had gotten together with my old team and since one of them has moved to SoCal and was in town and my birthday is coming up, it was perfect timing for us to get together. I was really happy to see all of them and for us to all be together having a great time. I think we all really needed it. When I got to the bar, my friend surprised me with cupcakes. But while on her way to the bar, walking in the rain, she dropped the box of cupcakes and they all ended up on one side of the box when I opened it up. She freaked out so bad when she gave them to me. But I just kept laughing so hard and honestly, I kinda expected something like that to happen. Of course I wasn’t mad at all about this. It was a sweet yet funny gesture. I got a really sweet card from another friend. I am a sucker for cards and letters. When I read it at the bar, I almost started crying. It was very touching. My “work mom” got me this fancy YSL nail polish and oddly I was going to paint my nails that specific color she got me, too. Overall, great time catching up and I am very grateful for the gifts that they got me.

I remember when I got home last night, I sat on the end of my bed reading the birthday card again and again and again. I started crying because not only is this friend so good to me, but sometimes we all just need to hear those words of endearment regardless if things are good or bad right now. Today after my follow up appointment and running another test with my doctor, he told me I’m on the path of getting better. Again, I’ve walked out of this office and into my car crying but this time these were happy tears. It’s been refreshing to cry but to cry out some happy tears finally. My loved ones has given me so much hope that after being dragged into hell and back from last year, things will be okay. When you get so much bad news in such a short span of time and so frequently, it’s just a shocker that there’s ever any good news coming your way. It makes me so emotional to know I’ll be okay. I’m not 100%, but I will be and to continue focusing on my health. I just want to continue moving forward in this positive direction.