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Last Friday during my doctor’s appointment, I had received good news about my results from my blood work. Yay, right? No… I went back into the office that following Monday and long story short, I had to immediately go get blood work done again. I basically have a 50/50 chance of having a very serious illness. Pretty much the same shit as my mom. I remember getting that phone call from my doctor about having to get blood work done the next morning, asking her questions as to what if my results don’t improve and what the next steps will be. I crumbled in that moment as I sat in my bed absorbing all of the information. I immediately called close friends since I was freaking out really bad. After chatting with one friend, I made way to the gym to clear my mind. I put my anger and frustration into my workout. As I was getting ready to leave the gym, I was laying down and stretching. I started crying and got into my car real quick.

I wasn’t myself for quite a few days. I felt like how I did when I was admitted to the hospital back in May. I asked my close friends why is this happening to me? I really feel like the world is challenging me and I’m in this never ending nightmare. I’m trying so hard to get my health in check. I care and I’m making the effort. I freaked out on one of my close friends crying and screaming that I don’t want to die and how I don’t have a boyfriend, not married, don’t have a house, fucking nothing. I screamed saying how all I have is my health which is true. I yelled at her telling her how I had every right be cry and to be upset because she tried telling me not to cry. I was really mean but you can’t blame me. In that moment I felt absolutely alone and scared. I tried to keep this news away from my parents but it was impossible. I freaked out on my parents and told them what happened and how scared I am. In my parents eyes, they see me as fearless and for them to hear me say that I’m actually scared of something was a huge concern. I didn’t want my mom to freak out and think it’s her fault in any way, but she had called to try to calm me down and told me that I had nothing to be scared of. She’s a brace woman and I really don’t know how she can do it. I tried so much to calm myself down and to not think about it but how can you not freak out about potentially have this disease? It’s not like I have a cold or a bruise.

I had gone to temple because I felt so hopeless. I really felt like no one can understand what I’ve been through in regards to my health and that’s fine. No one can fix it. Not even myself. When I lit some incense and kneeled down to pray, I started crying. I was begging for help in my prayers and to be okay again. I begged for everyone else in my life to be okay. I’ve never been so emotional at temple until that day. I spent quite some time there because it was comforting for me. Before I left I got my Chinese fortune stick reading. I try not to take those things too seriously but if you were me you’d do it, too. I had my dad translate it to me and it basically said you will go through suffering, but you have nothing to worry about and you will be okay. For once I really hope that shit is true.

I’ve been trying my best to stay active and occupied. Business as usual. I’m cringing for the call from the doctor. I really hope that I’ll be okay. I just need this one moment for something good to be on my side. Just this one time.

It’s been a week since I’ve been discharged from the hospital. The week prior I was starting to not feel so well and was in a lot of physical pain. I saw my primary care physician, who put me on antibiotics and strong pain killers and was hoping to send me to a surgeon that same day due to an infection. I wasn’t able to see the surgeon until the next day and when I finally did…FUCK. I’ve never ever cried so much begging the doctor to stop. It wasn’t the surgeon’s fault. I was literally in that much excruciating pain. I had to return the next day to get my bandages changed and the pain got worst during the bandage change. My body literally went into shock from the pain that I was in and from there the surgeon had to send me to the emergency room. Thankfully both days seeing the surgeon, my landlord was kind enough to give me a ride since I really was in no condition to drive. When I returned to the car all shaken up and crying, I told my landlord that I have to go to the ER immediately since they were waiting for me to arrive.

I couldn’t stop crying when I arrived to the ER. I called my friend/work mom about what was happening and of course telling my parents since I had told them about my appointment. Every person that I dealt with, I couldn’t stop crying. I wasn’t crying from the pain at this point. I was crying because my worst nightmare came true. To be hospitalized and alone. I laid there so angry with myself because I felt so defeated that I couldn’t take care of myself. I fucking failed and I have a disease. I know I couldn’t fix, prevent or escape any of it, but give me a fucking break please. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions and thoughts laying there with nurses coming in and out hooking me up to an IV, doing blood work, running tests, giving me lots of antibiotics and whatnot. I think the worst was dealing with various doctors breaking the bad news to me. I hated every inch of myself for every time a doctor had to come in to tell me what’s wrong.

As I kept getting moved around throughout the hospital, I finally got sent to my own room. That moment killed me so bad. I honestly wanted to just die because I was angry, hopeless, unhappy, etc. etc. I really felt I had nothing else to really live for anymore. It wasn’t hard to be negative. Thing is I wasn’t trying to be. Shit, if you were in my position you’d have the same thoughts and emotions running through you as well. To be alone in that pain takes a huge toll on you as well as digesting a new diagnosis. How do you gain any sense of normalcy after this experience?

Thankfully my friend/work mom came to the hospital and spent the night. She was also able to go to my place to get a few of my belongings like my work laptop. I shouldn’t have been doing any work while in the hospital and plus my boss and team knew what was going on with me, but I was gripping on so hard to keep things being in an “okay” state. When she initially arrived, she brought me fresh flowers from her garden which cheered me up. It was a very sweet gesture. My other former colleague/friend came by as well to keep me company during my second day in the hospital. She’s very quirky and walked in with flowers, magazine, coloring book, a stuffed animal and balloon. For herself and her fiancé, they brought champagne, cheese and crackers. It was actually pretty funny. As low as I felt, I really needed that laugh. Both friends took turns in coordinating in coming by to keep me company and I am honestly forever grateful for them doing this. They gradually stopped coming because I was slowly getting better and there wasn’t much of a need for them to literally sit there with me. I didn’t want to take them away from their daily routine and disturb them that much.

During my stay, I met a lot of wonderful nurses and got to know them a bit. It made the stay a bit more bearable. Majority of them were really kind and great to talk to. I had met with this one specialist who’s this 67 year old Filipino woman. She’s the most adorable lady ever and we have a ton in common. She was very informative in helping me understand the next steps as to how to go about my diagnosis, but she was so easy to talk to about many things. Talking to her brought back this comfort that I really needed. Plus I really feel like she made a huge impact in my life and I really can never forget about her. Just some of the things we spoke about hit a trigger for me and it was just so easy to confide in her about so many things without getting judged. She really helped lift up my spirits again and I can’t thank her enough. I actually really miss our conversations.

Coming close to a week being in the hospital, I was getting a lot of cabin fever. It was annoying to be hooked up to an IV and drag that shit with me around. I wanted to go outside for a walk, but I was in pain. I was tired of literally getting so many shots or stabbed with needles for blood work. I had to get an ultrasound done to determine if I would have to stay an additional 1-3 days. Thankfully the results from that turned out well and I was anxiously waiting to get the fuck out. My friend came back to pick up as I was getting ready to be discharged. I had a lot of information thrown at me about after care and blahhh. As I was about to leave, I gave one of my favorite nurses a hug. I thanked her for making me laugh during this difficult time.

Since being home, I’ve lost a bit of weight, I’m on lots of medication and I’m eating even cleaner than before. The day I came back I took an extremely long shower and I literally passed out in my bed. I was extremely sleep deprived since I kept having a nurse check on me constantly. I have lots of follow up appointments coming up. Annoying to have to go but obviously I need to. I have a home care nurse coming daily to help me do the bandage changes. I’ve sent thank you flowers to both friends that visited me in the hospital keeping me company. Another old colleague from my old team sent me this really cute succulent and I sent her a thank you card. My parents were beyond freaked out like any parent would be, but I’ve reassured them that I’ll be okay. It’s hard while I’m trying to absorb this fresh news and trying to reassure my parents at the same time. Tough juggling act. This whole experience has been a very life changing moment that I will never forget and has been a huge eye opener for me.

I’m gradually getting back into the swing of things and I try my best to be positive despite how low I felt. I’m just happy that I’m able to do things for myself again like grocery shopping or basic chores. I’ve gotten into a good routine since being home. I’ll even put on a bit of makeup just to feel relatively put together even though I’m wearing workout clothes. As my friend that came to visit me said, I will come out of this being a new, improved and stronger person from this. I really hope so.

I had a bad day where I was just this emotional mess. It’s my fault for bottling a lot of it up inside but then again I was really trying my best to be strong, positive and to keep things moving. During my most recent follow up appointment with the doctor, I’ve been meaning to ask to get a 100% confirmation for my diagnosis. What my previous doctor told me was incorrect and this doctor that specializes in what’s wrong with me confirmed it was something else, but it wasn’t too far of a stretch for what the actual diagnosis was. I remember sitting on that table fighting back tears as I continued to nod my head and acknowledge that words that he had said to me. He described to me the difference between the two things and what my primary diagnosis is. I took in every word that he said the let that sink into my mind. Afterwards he told me that the goal is to help me get stronger and that I’m currently on the right path.

Despite the bad news ending on good news, I couldn’t shake off the exact medical terms for my diagnosis. I remember leaving that office feeling so numb with those words continuously running through my mind. I teared up only a tiny bit once I got into my car, but I tried my hardest to put my emotions on the side since I had to get back to work. This wasn’t entirely new news to me, but it was like a part 2 to getting this type of news after narrowing it down to what it is. Anyways, I had to stay focused on my work and didn’t want this to distract me. Yet as the days went by it became a huge distraction since I was creating a really large void. I really didn’t want to acknowledge the issue myself. I was still in a huge amount of disbelief that “fuck, why me?”.

I haven’t slept well because it’s constantly on my mind and plus I’m in pain so that’s not a helpful reminder either. I’m scared that I’ll wake up with worst symptoms. Not sure what even triggered me to start crying so much today about it, but I guess I really needed to let it out. All of it. In so many ways I wish for the physical pain to go away. I wish this shit never happened to me. I wish my parents and friends from home were physically here. I want someone to hold my hand during this difficult time for me. I haven’t told anyone since I don’t want to freak anyone out. I’m sure at some point I will, but for now I’m still processing it. I know I’m on the right path to healing, but throughout the day I realized I have to live with this and it’s going to fuck me up as I get older. That’s the extremely terrifying part of it all. It’s going to gradually tear me apart. I’m scared for what will happen to me as I age and I can’t stop it. I’m angry with myself that I can’t fix it permanently.

I don’t want to drown myself in this sadness. Right now it just feels like deja vu when I got my first diagnosis from the first doctor. So to be told bad news about your health AGAIN isn’t that great. I just want to be okay. I’m letting this all out so tomorrow will be a new day for me to continue to keep things moving.

I feel like a total vegetable. I literally don’t want to do anything. I just want to stay in bed and sleep all day. I’m trying to pull myself out of this vegging out phase that I’m in right now. I’ve slacked off completely with the routine that I’ve formed and of course once you’re off track it’s hard to get back on track. Trying to kick my own ass to get some work related things done but a part of me is still so discouraged from even making any effort. Today my body just got the shit kicked out of. My physical therapist pushed me pretty hard today and I told her I hate her haha. After physical therapy, I had my medical procedure done today so I need to rest. For now I keep telling myself, “I’ll do it tomorrow”…uh yeah…

Despite my routine with other things, I had my workout routine locked down well before my trip to Boston. I was working out 5 days a week and I felt like my body was getting stronger as I was building up my endurance. I started eating like crap during my visit home and ugh, the struggle to eat clean again is real. I definitely couldn’t resist mom’s home cooking either! Today when I got the mail I received my friend’s wedding invite. Prior to receiving this, I wanted to get in much better shape for her upcoming summer wedding and of course for myself. I started browsing at dresses online as to what I wanted to potentially wear. While browsing I realized, “GET IT TOGETHER GIRL!”. I was physically feeling good before and now I feel like a blob.

Guess I gotta hit the gym next week. Ugh……………… 😦

After meeting with a specialist last week and getting a really unexpected and sudden medical procedure done, I had found myself getting teary eyed right before I walked out of the appointment. I sat in my car just crying my eyes out. Not like I learned anything new about what’s wrong, but the doctor’s words in describing what was wrong was repeating in my mind continuously and to have this medical procedure be done the next day freaked me the fuck out. I felt so alone because I really had no one to go with me or to even help me. That really got me so upset. I was pretty down that day and I had a big fear that I was going to shut everyone out again. I had plans later that night to attend a design event and even though I wasn’t in the best spirits, I sucked it up and went. I realized it would be easier to hide in the dark than to walk into the light. Even though my friend and I missed half of the event, it was nice to get out and connect with other designers. It helped ease my mind temporarily for me to not think about my health…until I drove home. I got really scared and as much as I didn’t want to, I asked my landlord if he was free to come with me to my medical procedure. I just needed someone to help me drive after I was done. That was it. I foolishly thought about taking an Uber after I was done, but the thought of getting in a car with a stranger after getting something like that done freaked me out even more. Luckily my landlord is such a great guy and agreed to come along with me. That helped ease my stress and anxiety. Physically I’m feeling a bit better and I’m on this journey of healing. It’s going to be a long work in progress, but there is progress at least.

Last night I had gotten together with my old team and since one of them has moved to SoCal and was in town and my birthday is coming up, it was perfect timing for us to get together. I was really happy to see all of them and for us to all be together having a great time. I think we all really needed it. When I got to the bar, my friend surprised me with cupcakes. But while on her way to the bar, walking in the rain, she dropped the box of cupcakes and they all ended up on one side of the box when I opened it up. She freaked out so bad when she gave them to me. But I just kept laughing so hard and honestly, I kinda expected something like that to happen. Of course I wasn’t mad at all about this. It was a sweet yet funny gesture. I got a really sweet card from another friend. I am a sucker for cards and letters. When I read it at the bar, I almost started crying. It was very touching. My “work mom” got me this fancy YSL nail polish and oddly I was going to paint my nails that specific color she got me, too. Overall, great time catching up and I am very grateful for the gifts that they got me.

I remember when I got home last night, I sat on the end of my bed reading the birthday card again and again and again. I started crying because not only is this friend so good to me, but sometimes we all just need to hear those words of endearment regardless if things are good or bad right now. Today after my follow up appointment and running another test with my doctor, he told me I’m on the path of getting better. Again, I’ve walked out of this office and into my car crying but this time these were happy tears. It’s been refreshing to cry but to cry out some happy tears finally. My loved ones has given me so much hope that after being dragged into hell and back from last year, things will be okay. When you get so much bad news in such a short span of time and so frequently, it’s just a shocker that there’s ever any good news coming your way. It makes me so emotional to know I’ll be okay. I’m not 100%, but I will be and to continue focusing on my health. I just want to continue moving forward in this positive direction.

I barely cook any meat and at most it’ll be fish. Lately I’ve noticed that when I do have chicken or beef, I get nauseous. I’ve steered away from eating beef since I noticed it had made me feeling nauseous over the years. Now I feel like I’m going to toss my cookies after tasting any meat. Maybe I’ve just gotten used to not eating meat besides fish. I don’t know, but it made me think if I should go vegan or not. Wouldn’t hurt to give it a go for a month. Reality is I love fish too much. If I could eat sushi everyday, that would be awesome but I’m not trying to die from mercury poisoning and I’m not ballin’ like that haha. Giving up fish would be hard, although the Pescetarian route seems to a better route. The path to go vegan is something that I’m really considering as a good challenge though. We shall see.

With starting a new job, I’ve been able to focus a bit more on myself again. I haven’t really been taking care of myself. Definitely gained weight from the stress that I’ve dealt with at my last job. Plus as much as I enjoyed working in SF and being spoiled by the yummy food trucks, that contributed to the weight gain as well. My sciatica is still lingering around, but I feel like I’m getting better. I was going to acupuncture since late October and then I started going to the chiropractor along with acupuncture since March because I noticed that I felt like total shit. I remember one day I suddenly had a hard time walking and it reminded me of how this whole shit show started. I was in a ton of pain and could barely walk. Even laying down I felt like shit. Since then things has gotten better, but I’ve decided to stop going to acupuncture. Just going to stick with the chiropractor for now and see how things go. Maybe I’ll incorporate acupuncture in the future again, but with all of these medical bills it’s been contributing to the stress weight too.

The last time I worked out was maybe back in April or May, so it’s been awhile. I got myself into a good routine and took it easy since I didn’t want to make the sciatica worst. Unfortunately the shit I was dealing with at work conquered over everything and I was in a dark hole. I didn’t want to do anything because I was so unhappy. I was overworked and just couldn’t really make time to do things for myself because all I wanted to do after work was to get any sleep possible. Now as I’m finding my way back into the light, I really need to work out again. I have to admit that I’ve gotten a bit self conscious with my body. I swear that crazy bitch really tore me down and I’m not as physically confident about myself anymore.

With this new job it’s been A LOT easier to eat healthy again, although it didn’t help to look at the keg of beers in front of me while I was munching on them greens. I’m back to strictly salads for lunch since my options are quite limited, but my company has a really good salad bar so I don’t mind. Food at these tech companies aren’t bad, but I miss WALKING OUTSIDE to get my lunch. Damn you SF food for spoiling me! The gym at the company is just down the hall so I really have no excuse to not go, even though I already have a gym membership. I remember at a previous job that’s down the street from where I currently work, I would go to the gym at the company after work since it was a good way to kill time and to not be stuck in traffic. At that time I was working out 3-5 times a week and my landlord has noticed that I lost weight. Perhaps it is better that I’m back working in Silicon Valley again.

Considering on biking and yoga as a part of my new gym regiment since my left leg still isn’t functioning 100%.

Besides my recent depressing posts, I’ll update with a much more uplifting post haha. Work has been great. I am definitely in a great place right now. I love my job even more than I did already. My company is awesome. It’s definitely my ideal work environment. I love the culture of the company and how well they appreciate their employees. Lots of great perks here at this company and I work with such an amazing team of people. I’ve gotten closer with 2 of my coworkers that I started with so it’s nice to have girls that are close to my age to hang out with and to talk about anything. We recently discovered that there’s a gym at my company so we go to the gym together after work, which is great and motivating for each other. Later today we’re going to yoga since they apparently offer yoga classes at my company twice a week. Might as well take advantage of it all while I can! Also, they service breakfast at work which is really convenient. They have a yogurt bar where you can add fresh fruit and other toppings to it. It’s really good. I wish I could just live at my company since they practically have everything I need haha. :p

Last week my boss gave us an optional task of creating a t-shirt design for our upcoming event in LA. The goal was to great a t-shirt celebrating our company’s anniversary. You can design the t-shirt however you want as long as it represents how old the company is which is 25 years old. It can’t be too feminine, but it should be a bit more masculine yet also likable enough for it to be unisex. The t-shirts will be printed on American Apparel t-shirts and will be sold at our event, which exciting. The winner will get a $100 or $200 Amazon gift card which is awesome. I’m still not sure how much but better than nothing! Yesterday my team voted on the designs that my other boss, my coworker and myself did. I had 3 designs to show and was kinda nervous to see if my design was as up to par as theirs. I was up against a senior designer and an entry level designer, but you never know what design styles they have or how good they are at any level. I thought here’s my chance to really show how strong of a designer I am so I had to take advantage of it. The team didn’t know who’s designs were who. It was interesting to see who was voting for which design and their reaction and comments about the designs. So far it looks like I kicked everyone’s ass unanimously lol. That definitely boosted my confidence as a designer and I was really happy. Plus, I never win anything so something like that gets me so happy haha. I’m still awaiting on the final decision, but it’d be really cool if I won. 🙂

Here’s my t-shirt designs. It’s not the final designs since they still need to be cleaned up and tweaked before final submissions if one of them is selected. The second design was the favorited one:

Besides updates about work and working out, I just feel a lot happier. Of course I’ll have my days where I feel a little down, but I can’t be all jolly everyday haha. When I video chat with my friends from home, they see me happy again, which is a relief to them. I do catch myself being sad sometimes, but I really try my best not to dwell on it so much. I’m still really hurt, but I’m too busy to focus on that. I’m doing great things with my life right now and I can’t stop for look back at the past. I work in a very happy and positive environment which has definitely lifted my mood. I’ve met some interesting people recently and we’ll see how it goes. I just feel like I’m slowly yet finally getting it together. It’s a great feeling and I haven’t felt like this in awhile. I’d like to make more time to go to SF on the weekends since work practically drains me. I’ve been looking up concerts to go to. My travel plans might be put on hold, but that’s okay. That’s still up in the air. For now I enjoy spending my weekends reading at a cafe, going to temple and working out. The Pescatarian thing has been going well. There has been a couple of moments where I had chicken, but no biggie. I’ve been eating a lot of sashimi for dinner recently. Need to chill out with that because I’m definitely not a baller haha, but it’s sooo good!

I’m okay again. 🙂