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I’ve been aggressively applying to jobs ever since last month when I had completed updating my portfolio and resume. I’ve yet again overworked myself from applying to jobs and trying to make shit happen. It’s been so hard for me to continue biting my tongue at my current job and I’m just very lucky that I’ve had a lot of great and quick turn arounds and feedback from potential employers. I had at least 3-6 calls every week. Last Thursday I had 4 phone interviews. I remember going crazy trying to figure out my availability while looking at my calendar.

Meet Company A. I first spoke with the recruiter from there, then the hiring manager and then a designer. After having a great interviews with them, they had me complete a design challenge. I was kinda nervous since I wasn’t sure what to expect and I’ve never had to do one before. It’s essentially a way for the employer to see how you solve problems. My options was to figure out how to design an ATM for kids or design a texting app for a car dashboard. I opted for the latter. I was essentially up against some other girl and was told that we were similar, but after hearing that I knew how badly I wanted to stand out.

I worked all day last weekend and even up until 4AM. There went my weekend, but I wanted the job badly and plus I wanted to kick this other candidate’s ass with my skills haha. I did a shit ton of research, lots of prototyping, wireframes, visual designs, iconography, created a color palette, typeface selections, etc. I was gonna go crazy from all of the browser tabs that I had opened during my research. I had used InVision to organize this “project” and had things laid out nicely. I was hoping to get feedback from my friend/colleague who I worked very closely with and looked up to him as a mentor during my time at the company, but I was anxious and impatient since he failed to get back to my ASAP. It was due that following Monday and I really needed to send it out. So I just said fuck it and was really nervous and stressed out after I hit send. I had shared it with my team of what my design challenge looked like and they were impressed with how much I managed to churn out in 2 days. I was only suppose to spend 6 hours on this, but nope haha. I got great feedback from them and said that I definitely over delivered, whereas I felt like I didn’t provide enough. I remember panicking and throwing in more sketches to make it look/feel more complete.

After a couple days went by the recruiter finally gave me an update to tell me that the hiring manager and the designer were both impressed by my work. She was gonna give me more updates after meeting with them. While I was playing this waiting game, company B came along and reached out to me. The recruiter from there told me that the hiring manager really liked my portfolio and wanted to speak with me. I had a phone interview set up and it went really well. The next steps would be a 3-4 hour on site interview to meet the team and whatnot. After that they would make their decision. I found out pretty quickly that they really wanted to meet with me so I was in the works of scheduling something with them. As I was trying to schedule something with them I felt guilty in an odd way as I was still waiting for a response from company A. It got super nerve wracking.

When I had submitted my availability to company B, the recruiter from company A called me right afterwards. I thought to myself “FUCK!!!!!!” lol. She asked me if I was meeting with any other companies and whatnot. I was very straight forward and told her how company B is trying to pursue me and it would happen early next week. Instantly she wanted to figure out how to persuade me from meeting with company B.I  mentioned to her how both companies are great and I had felt so conflicted as to which direction to go. I told her how I thought a lot about the pros and cons to each company, but there were too many pros from both companies which made it harder on me. From there we started talking numbers. I gave her a good range and told her what I wanted in order to get me fully onboard. I ended the call with telling her that speaking with her made me feel better and it’ll give me some more time to think about things.

Company B emailed me this morning to reschedule our in person meeting and what’s another available date/time. I ignored the email since Company A said that they will call me in the morning. I think in that moment I realized I need to move forward with Company A if they gave me an offer. After I had dropped off my car to be serviced and getting home this morning, Company A finally called. She went straight into telling me they had an offer for me and I took down notes of what it all entailed. I immediately accepted. I would’ve been the world’s biggest dumbass if I passed up on the offer. I definitely got a bit more than what I asked for, which I really cannot complain. I told her I would gladly accept and how I ignored Company B’s email to reschedule with me. She was really happy and relieved to hear that. She told me how happy the hiring manager would be about the news. She mentioned how even though that other candidate was good, the hiring manager reallyyy wanted me instead. He not only loved my work, but my personality as well and granted I haven’t met any of these people in person lol.

While Company A was telling me the details of my offer, I started tearing up. I was so happy that after all of that hard work I fucking finally made it. No more bullshit, no more micromanaging, no more emotional abuse at work anymore. I felt a huge amount of weight lifted off of my shoulders and it felt awesome. As soon as I got off of the phone I called my mom to share the news. I had spoken to her 30 minutes before Company A called me to wish her a happy birthday and asked if she had received the flowers that I had sent. Calling her back with news about my new job made her extra happy on her special day. That made me tear up even more just because I’ve proven to my parents that I can handle it and there was nothing to worry about. I really kept my word on that one. After speaking with my parents I shared the news with my team since they’ve known about my interview process and job search. I continued passing along the good news to my close friends. They were all happy for me and I am forever grateful for their kindness and support for the hell that I’ve been through the past 5 months at my job.

I immediately thought about when my last day should be and scheduled a meeting with my POS manager’s new boss that she reports to. She pretty much got passed along to another manager that I know who is neutral with me. I immediately emailed her asking to schedule a meeting since I had some “important” things to discuss with her. I plan on sharing the things that my POS manager has said and done to me for the past 5 months. I’ve documented and took down notes of everything. There’s a legit timeline of what this fucking asshole has done to me EVERY WEEK. I don’t care if she gets fired or whatever the fuck happens to her, but I just need to get all of it off of my chest before I leave.

I am still overwhelmed with so much happiness and happy tears, too. It truly has been a struggle in this industry over the years and I’m finally making it. One of my close friends AC that I spoke with today said she admired my dedication that I put into my work and that made me tear up. I am very passionate about what I do. I am at the peak of my career and it really can’t get any better than this. I’m still in shock that I’m going to be making six figures. I can’t wrap my mind around that still. I am grateful for the hiring manager to give me this awesome opportunity. I remember during my phone interview with him I had told him he reminded me a lot of my previous manager that had hired me at my current company. How similar their personalities, values and sense of humor were felt so comforting. I remember that morning was bad because my POS manager said some shitty things to me before my phone interview. After that interview, I felt like this guy gave me hope that there is a great opportunity out there for me and someone is willing to give me the time of day yet alone a chance to prove to them that I can do the job. It all feels so surreal that I am gonna be going off to another great position. I was getting stressed out for how long it could potentially take me to find another job.

Anyways, it really feels so good especially to feel this genuinely happy again. It was a very happy Friday.

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Things has definitely looked up recently and surprisingly quickly too. I got to spend time with my close girlfriend from home that was visiting, hung out and went bar hopping with “concert friends”, and finally hang out with another fellow Bay Area Xangan. Also, landed a new job which I’m semi excited about. Many interviews later and I got a couple of offers. Had to turn some down for the one I accepted. It was a first come,  first serve basis for me just to be fair. Anyways, things are looking up and there’s so much of this happiness I want to share with PC. I am lucky and blessed to have such supportive parents and friends with kind words of encouragement and whatnot, but it’d just be nice to share this with a significant other. It’s one thing when you share this kinda news or happiness with family and friends versus a significant other. That thought of being single and not being able to share that with someone special made me tear up. It started to make me feel so lonely. Everything is coming together but just that one void in my life has yet been filled. I just want to settle down already, share memories and experiences with a significant other already. It’s already been pretty lonely to not have my family and friends here to share my California experience with. I have no one to really share my experience with. It’s just so many memories and emotions by myself. Sometimes I just wonder if things has changed for the better where he would just somehow show up at my door step, but realistically that will never happen.

 

Wish I could share this moment with him.

He couldn't work Google Effects so he made his own effect lol

He couldn’t work Google Effects so he made his own effect lol

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve laughed really hard. I generally have great conversations with friends from back at home and we do laugh at certain things here and there. I’m always the one being goofy and saying stupid jokes to my friends. For awhile they were getting used to seeing me sad and upset and it’s just something they weren’t used to seeing especially quite often. I hated having them or anyone see me like that. Today I had a Google Hangout session with two of my close friends from back at home. My friend P and I were saying something to M about her friend, which was really funny but extremely offensive lol. My stomach hurt and tears were coming with how hard I was laughing. It’s something I haven’t felt in awhile.

I’ve been quite clear and expressive of my emotions here on WP of my experience living in Cali and I just haven’t been completely happy. I feel like after all the shit I’ve been dealing with, all I wanted was either a hug (as childish as it may sound) or a really good laugh. There’s definitely moments where I felt like I wasn’t myself anymore and I just felt like I wasn’t going to be okay for awhile. There’s a moment in the Sex and the City movie where Carrie and the girls go to Mexico to get away after her and Big’s wedding was called off. She felt like sleeping away and hoping to wake up that all the bad things that had happened was a dream. I remember the scene where she asked the girls if she’ll ever laugh again since she was really sad and all. Miranda said to her that when something really, really funny happens she’ll laugh again. That’s exactly how I’ve felt. I guess I’ve been waiting for that “ah-ha” moment to pick me up again with everything that has happened. It has been very difficult for me to put a lot of things behind me. It’s definitely made an impact on me and still affects me in so many ways, but I’ve grown to cope with it a lot better. I’m just glad I’ve had my friends help me get through it.

I was just in an all round great mood today. I haven’t been this happy or laughed this much in awhile. First my friends and our Google Hangout session, watched a really funny episode of the Conan O’Brien Show and then I just got home from hanging out with my friends from Stockton who came to visit. It was nice to get out of the house and to be around them. We went out to feast on crawfish and whatnot. I’m still extremely full and they were really generous and paid the bill. I felt bad so I treated them out to dessert before they headed home. I’m happy to have them here even though Stockton is definitely out of the way.

I’m looking forward to my friends from home visiting in the next 2 weeks and for my friends from Stockton to meet them. I’m even more excited to see another set of friends from home visit after my first round of visitors come. I’ve definitely been keeping an eye on my calendar and counting down to see all these familiar faces again. It’s just really refreshing for me to be in such a great mood. I didn’t realize how long I’ve felt so unhappy until today when I just quickly reflected on the last time I felt this way. All those little things that happened today, like simply watching an episode of Conan O’Brien made me feel better. It wasn’t much but it did the job.

Nothing but good vibes. 🙂

Things are finally starting to look up. I finally feel like I see light at the end of the tunnel. Today I signed a contract to my new job. Finally I’m no longer a bum with no income! Haha … When I had applied to the position I just kinda winged it like I did with a few other applications. The company I’m working for is based in LA and it’s an off site position, which is great. First of all because I would never, ever, ever, EVER move to LA. People there suck even more and it’s never sparked an interest for me EVER. Secondly, I’m saving more money on gas since I don’t have to drive to work as well as lunch money. Only downside to this job is that I’m not in an office environment where I can socialize with my coworkers. Well only a little bit which is through Skype and phone calls, but still that’s not the same as physical interactions. So I’ll still be at home or at a cafe in front of my laptop per usual.
For whatever reason, I’m not so gung ho about this position. I should be extremely excited, but I’m not. I think it’s probably the lack of organization and poor communication that’s turning me off from this position. Oh well. My first day is tomorrow and I’m looking forward to the type of projects I’ll be working on. Honestly, I’m really nervous and I feel like my skills and knowledge are a bit rusty and aren’t as up to par. Being unemployed for practically a year screws with the confidence you once had. I’m trying to be a bit more enthusiastic about it all. Maybe once the work flow gets going I’ll feel better about things.
 
My close friend was saying to me that for me going to temple everyday and praying has definitely helped. I definitely agree with her. It’s lifted my spirits and I see myself at least smiling again. I do pray everyday for for my family, friends, PC and myself. It makes me happy to know that things are gradually getting better for the ones I love and care for. Although things aren’t 100% great (yet, haha), I’ve truly been blessed.
 
Today was a good day. Back onto the daily grind tomorrow! 🙂

Last night after I came home from Starbucks, I took a long, hot shower and got ready for bed in hopes of a better day. So far today has been a major turn around from yesterday. I had trouble sleeping last night even after taking some melatonin to help me relax and send my ass off to dream land. That was a semi-fail. Anyways, I woke up feeling very stressed out. I tried to start off my morning with chores and whatnot. Eventually I got ready and out the house. My first stop before the car wash and cafe was the temple.

Not many people know that I have a spiritual side. It shocks some people when they find out that I’m pretty into Buddhism. No worries I’m not gonna get on your case and bug the shit out of you to join me to go to temple or anything haha. From time to time in the past I used to read books on Buddhism. I found it very relaxing. Whenever I have a bad day or something negative has happened, I just curl up in bed and read these books that provide such great comfort. It helps ease all of my anger and sadness.

Last night before bed I reached for this book that an old friend from high school got for me for Christmas. It’s called “365 Buddha: Daily Meditations” by Jeff Schmidt. The title is self explanatory. That definitely gave me some affirmation before I went to bed. It’s a book that’s found a permanent place on my night stand. So I double checked to see what number day in the calendar we were in. Today is day 282 and the meditation read:

Turn away from mischief.

Again and again, turn away.

Before sorrow befalls you.

Set your heart on doing good.

Do it over and over again.

And you will be filled with joy.

– Dhammapada 117-118

I haven’t gone to temple in a very long time. After chatting with a close friend last night she made a useful suggestion that I already had in mind. She told me to go to temple and I took her up on that. I have relatives that are hardcore Buddhists and they’ve harassed me to go with them to temple, but my schedule was so chaotic before. But that still wasn’t a good enough excuse that I couldn’t take 1-2 hours of my day to go pray. Luckily there’s a temple down the street from my place. I’ve looked into checking it out one time, but failed on going for whatever reason I came up with.

I was nervous when I got there. I felt scared and all of my sadness kicked in. I greeted a monk with a smile as I was walking towards the court yard to go pray. It was such a beautiful place. I didn’t feel comfortable to take pictures of this beautiful place, but it definitely wasn’t a time for a photo opportunity. It was my place for peace and solitude. Plus, I thought it was kinda disrespectful. Anyways, I grabbed several sticks of incense to light and eventually made my way to go pray. I came to a realization of how much I missed the smell of the incense. Call me a weirdo, I know haha. Anyways, I kneeled on the padded cushion, closed my eyes and held the incense above my forehead.

The moment my eyes closed and I got into position, I started crying. I cried instantly and silently the moment I started praying. I prayed for forgiveness, hope, and protection. I prayed for happiness for my family and friends that has provided so much for me. I pleaded for forgiveness in my prayer and to just give me the strength that I once endured. I prayed for my heart to be healed. I asked for some guidance to help me become a better person. When I was done praying, I felt like I barely stayed there long enough. I definitely rushed my prayers because I felt so much fear. After I left, I told myself I need to go back tomorrow and everyday to pray. I need to be more patient with myself. Overall, I felt a bit better to have let those emotions out.

My friend asked me last night what could make me feel better. I told her a hug. I know it sounds so childish and immature, but such a simple gesture can do so much. I’m already a very simple minded person. Since I can’t get a hug some time at the temple shall suffice.

Tomorrow will be a better day.