Homesick

I’m currently back in the east coast visiting my parents. This was an unexpected and quick trip for me. I didn’t really inform any of my friends since I planned on devoting a lot of my time to my parents. The last time I had came back to visit I was drifting in all different directions to make time for friends and of course for my parents. But I just really wanted to give them all of my time and attention when I came back. However I did have to crash at a close friend’s place since I felt like I was on the never ending plane ride. I had two long layovers, bounced from 3 planes and the last thing that I wanted to do was to get on an hour long bus ride from the airport to my parents.

It was nice to have a break to linger around Boston by myself for a bit before my friend got home for me to rest. First thing I realized was how much I do NOT miss the humidity. I’d much rather come back when it’s the fall or winter. I’ve gotten too use to that dry heat in the west coast. I headed straight to Chinatown once I got out of the airport. I took a little stroll and was just kind of taking everything in. I found it hard to believe I was here in the old stomping grounds. I was reminiscing a lot and felt very overwhelmed with emotions. This trip was definitely much needed and I was glad I came back. I gradually made way to my favorite childhood hole in the wall joint: Wai Wai!! Haha. If you don’t know about Wai Wai then you’re missing out. It’s hands down the most BOMB rice plate I’ve had since I was little. My dad used to get me a rice plate to go and we’d go to the barber shop next door so he can get his cut and chill with his friends. Anyways, I immediately knew what to get. I got the chicken with scallion ginger sauce, which is what they’re mostly known for and I also got roasted duck and roasted pork. I must’ve been really hungry because I inhaled all of that food so quickly. The same lady that has run the place for years is usually known to be a little mean and standoffish, but towards the end of my meal and after I paid she actually smiled at me and said thank you lol. I was taken back by that.

After my meal I decided to check out Cafe Nero since it was just down the street in Downtown Boston. I needed fresh air, coffee and I had to check my work e-mail since I did tell my boss that I was going to be working remotely. I ordered a vanilla latte and found a seat outside. I was really hoping to be a bit incognito during my visit to Boston, but that didn’t last long. I ran into a familiar face and did some quick catching up. So much for not having anyone know that I was back in town. Boston is really too small for its own good haha. I had to end the conversation with my friend since my close friend told me she was home from work. I was ready to just drop off my luggage and lay down. Plus, the vanilla latte was shitty so I was ready to leave Cafe Nero ASAP! I was so happy to enjoy the air conditioning on the train. I felt so gross from flying and the damn humidity. During the train ride to my friend’s place, I felt so relaxed. It’s been awhile since I’ve been on public transportation since living in Cali has made me heavily dependent on my car. That’s just the major downside of living in Cali.

When I arrived to my friend’s, I had freshened up and we went to the Museum of Fine Arts. Prior to my trip home I wanted to see what exhibits were currently up at the MFA. I was extremely excited to see the Hokusai exhibit at the MFA and included that as a part of my agenda. My friend lives close by so it wasn’t like it was out of my way especially staying at her place. I’ll have to write another post on that exhibit since I took lots of photos, but if you’re in the Boston area I highly suggest it. It was such a beautiful exhibit. After all of that museum fun, I finally got to lay down and relax before another friend would meet up with us for dinner. I had requested that we eat hot pot for dinner, but I was bummed out that we didn’t get to go to where I wanted to, which was okay. They had taken me to this relatively new hot pot restaurant called Asiana Sushi Shabu. They basically serve all you can eat hot pot and sushi. I passed on the sushi since I do prefer the sushi in Cali better than Boston. This place just reminded me of an upgraded version of Hot Pot Buffet in Chinatown. It was alright, but I definitely left feeling stuffed. It was really nice to see my friends before I went off to my parents the next day.

The next morning I was Cape Cod bound and damn I was extremely tired. It was not fun being squished in the train during the morning rush hour, but I oddly once again I do miss public transportation and those little things that comes along with it. As soon as I reached my destination, my dad had picked me up from the bus station. The old man was just too excited to see me, but I am daddy’s little girl after all haha. Prior to my bus ride I had made a stop to Chinatown to pick up from buns for my parents and their employees. Figured they’d want something to go with their morning coffee. My dad and I made a pit stop to their business, where I was not only able to drop off the baked goods, but I got to see my mom as well. I gave her a big hug when I saw her. I felt really safe again to have my mom’s arms around me and it was nice. Throughout my trip here it wasn’t that exciting. I mainly worked remotely, spent time with my parents and stayed home since I was carless. When I got to my parents house I was welcomed by a big pot of tong yuen, which is basically this Chinese dough ball soup. My mom throws in some mushrooms, Chinese sausage, daikon, cilantro and her homemade shrimp balls. I definitely miss mom’s home cooking!! I enjoyed sitting down at the dinner table with my parents. Since my parents live in Cape Cod and there’s an abundance of seafood in the community, my mom cooked up some freshly caught local clams and lobster. It was fricken AMAZING!!! After dinner I’d either join my mom or dad in our little one on one hangout. One night I was laying in bed with my mom watching these video blogs on Youtube. She enjoys watching the SacconeJolys as much as I do and that has now become our thing. Another night I was helping my dad in the garage with a new shelf he built. The next night I watched him do his nightly routine of playing the erhu while he listens to Chinese opera. These little moments meant a lot to me and it was very comforting.

Ever since last night while I was watching my dad play his erhu I got really sad. I knew my time would go by so fast as if I was never here. I’ve just been in this funk all day because this is the last time I’ll be in this household where it’s just myself and my parents. I also have lunch plans with friends tomorrow before I go to the airport and I know I’m going to be a cry baby. I was hesitant on following through with the lunch plans with my friends because I’m horrible at saying goodbye. I know the moment I see them up until the moment we hug and part ways, the waterworks is going to kick into overdrive. Whenever my parents or friends hug me, I get so sad because I feel like they’re all protecting and comforting me. I’m very lonely in Cali and to come back to Boston to an abundance of open arms and good people in my life is hard to leave. I know the last time when I had left and got onto the bus to head to the airport, I legit cried from the moment I got onto the bus and all the way back to Cali. That’s how upset I was. I can sense it happening already. I would prefer not to see anyone on the morning I leave to the airport just to make leaving a lot easier on me. This is how I’ll always be and there’s nothing wrong with that. I just love this city so much along with all of my family and friends here. I know the moment I get back to Cali I’ll be really homesick and in a funk. I’ve already braced myself for this. Hopefully one day I’ll overcome this and get better at saying goodbye. For now I don’t mind being the big cry baby amongst my group of friends. They’re all too good to me and I wish I can take them all with me.

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West Coast Bound

Bye bye Boston

Finally back in Cali as of last night. It was an extremely long day of traveling. I was so tired when I got home and started feeling really sick. All I wanted to do as soon as I got home was to unpack, shower and go to sleep. Luckily I did my laundry before I left my parent’s house, which saves me the time from doing it back in Cali. I quickly unpacked and put everything in its place so I didn’t have to deal with it today when I get home from work. Smart move on my end. I woke up feeling sick but told myself I have to drag my ass out of bed and into the office. If I worked from home I’d probably be all mopey and sad about being homesick.

Saturday night I had a really hard time sleeping that when I woke up Sunday morning to get ready for my flight I felt like crap. There was a really strange mood around the house as I was getting ready Sunday morning. My dad was really unhappy as well as my mom, but I think my dad took it harder. I remember Saturday night when he sat there watching tv, he stared aimlessly at the tv telling me his chest really hurts because I’m leaving. I felt horrible when he said that to me. I just put on that tough front and told him he’ll be okay and I tried joking around with him. But even then I’m pretty sure he caught on that I was having a hard time hearing those words. On Sunday morning when my parents were driving me to the bus station, it was a very silent car ride. I sat in the back seat noticing my dad’s eyes getting red and watery. He then told me he felt like crying and once again I put on that tough front. I tried not to look into that mirror where I could see his eyes. I either was looking down at my phone or out the window. I tried my hardest to not cry and to continue being strong.

Soon we arrived to the bus station where my parents sat with me waiting for my bus to arrive which was to bring me to the airport. I tried to strike a much more optimistic conversation to lighten up the mood and that helped a bit. Once my bus arrived, I gave my parents a hug and walked onto the bus. I opted for a seat by the window that wasn’t facing them so they wouldn’t see me crying. As soon as I got on the bus I stared out the window silently crying wishing that I didn’t have to go back to Cali. I felt horrible to go back to Cali making my parents feel sad. I know it’s not really my fault, but I can’t help but feel guilty. Throughout my entire trip home I cried silently. I remember every moment at the airport in Boston I felt so unhappy and emotional. The moment the plane took off I felt so heartbroken to leave my home again. The closer I got to Cali I felt worst. I had a stop in Milwaukee, Phoenix and then finally San Jose. When we landed in San Jose I felt the sadness kick into overdrive. I felt so uncomfortable around the surroundings I’ve grown accustomed to during the past year I’ve lived here. I hated everything; from the streets to the people. It was and will never be anything like Boston.

Today is my first day back in the office. I feel okay again to be around my coworkers who welcomed me with opened arms. I guess my work is my safety net out here. That is essentially why I’m even in Cali. This morning when I woke up I felt like I woke up from a long dream of being in Boston. It doesn’t even feel like I ever went back. It’s so strange. I felt so happy again to see my coworkers. Yet once I’m out of the office and back to my place, my mood changes to hating everything again. I become so hateful of everything because of the malicious people I’ve crossed paths with out here. I blame them for making me feel this way and making me fear to come back to this shit hole west coast. One day I’ll go back home for good. For now I have to continue doing what I’m doing. Like my friends have been saying to me, just do what you have to do and then come back.

Goodbye Home

Tomorrow I’ll be leaving Boston and heading back to Cali. I’ve been so spoiled with great times with my family and friends during my time here. I’m dreading the thought of having to finish packing and going back to Cali. I realized how much I really hate it there. I’m an East Coast girl at heart and I just find it even harder to adjust this time around once I get back. Boston is my home and all my loved ones are here. The other night was my last night hanging out with friends. We went to my usual yet once upon a time favorite bar. Got to see a lot of old faces and there were quite a few surprise faces that came out that night. My friends managed to get me drunk, which is an obligated duty of theirs before you’re gonna send me off back to Cali haha. But they also managed to make me cry.

Throughout the night a few friends were saying really nice things to me such as how they’re so proud of me for doing what I’m doing out there, how I’m a really good person and etc. I was so overwhelmed with the overload of love and support that I started crying. It still makes me tear up as I’m writing this blog entry. They comforted me as I’m burying my face into my hands sobbing and told them how much I don’t want to go back. I told them how scared I was to go back to Cali to the loneliness that I deal with on a daily basis. When you’re so alone every day with no one else but yourself, it has a really big effect on you.

Thinking about having dinner by myself, finding weekend activities to do by myself, remembering how mean and nasty people were to me in Cali, to not be there for my family and friends when we both need each other the most, and etc. … it does a huge number on you. Cali has made me so vulnerable and emotional and I try to not let my family or friends know too much about it because I don’t want them to worry. Everyone understands as to why I’m staying in Cali and I know from afar they’ll continue to support me. I had a feeling I was going to feel like this since it’s my first time visiting home in over a year since I’ve moved. It reminds me of how upset I was when I left a year ago. I sobbed like a baby but I don’t care. I felt so comforted to be surrounded by good friends as they tried to make me stop crying. I left my heart in this city with full of great people. Home is where the heart is and going back to Cali will never be the same. I’m just really homesick and always will be.

Despite how unhappy I am to go back, there were lots of fun highlights of my trip here:

– Annual Thanksgiving Potluck hosted by my close friend and I was the surprise guest

– Celtics vs. Portland Trail Blazers: Unfortunately we lost and it was a semi close game, but at least it was my first time to get on the jumbotron which was awesome lol

– Ate lots of yummy food in Boston. Went to some old favorite places as well as trying a few new places

– Taking the train and walked around Newbury Street and Boylston Street and realizing how beautiful the architecture and the city is

– Bar hopped with good friends and hookah lounge

– Got to see my dog 🙂

– Got asked to be my close friend’s bridesmaid!

– Watched “Theory of Everything” which was a really good movie. Must see!!

– Went to my once old favorite bar and had a blast with friends

– Confessed my love LOL. In reference to my previous post “Missed Opportunity”. Yes, I told my friend and it’s finally off my chest

– Unexpected plans with an ex-boyfriend who is still a good friend of mines. While we hung out it reminded me of how we were when we were younger and for whatever reason I feel like it’ll always be like that with him and I when we see each other.

– Hung out with yet another old flame. That was interesting lol

– Went to visit my 93 year old grandmother who raised me when I was younger. She’s so cute but doesn’t really recognize me which makes me sad but I understand

 

Overall it was a great trip and I got to see a lot of faces that I wanted to see. There were a few that I wasn’t able to see, but there will be a next time. 🙂

Homebound Blues

Next week I’ll be visiting home for the first time since I moved to California. I’m excited to go home to see my parents and friends. It’s much needed for my sanity sake that I see familiar faces as well as to be back in my hometown. I’ve missed everyone and everything about Boston since I’ve been here. I compare everything here to Boston. The moment I had booked my flight home I was thrilled. Now as the countdown to go home approaches, I feel so sad and a bit weird and nervous. I’ve been coordinating plans with friends and looking at my calendar on my phone has made my socialize look lively again. But as I kept staring at the calendar filled with plans to catch up with great people and making sure I didn’t forget anyone, I know how fast it’ll all quickly end. I feel sad about how quickly all the fun will end and how weird it’ll be to be back in general. A lot has changed since I’ve lived here and I’ve grown a lot since I left. I think a part of me is scared and nervous that even though I’ve changed, that everything back at home must’ve changed as well. I hope not. I know I’m not the same Connie from a year or two ago, but I hope everything hasn’t changed drastically. I feel like my hometown needs to give me the reassured comfort that I need before I come back to Cali as weird as it may sound. I feel that once I get back to Cali, I’ll feel more alone than I ever did. Despite the sadness I’m dealing with, I’m at least grateful I’ll be able to spend Thanksgiving back in Boston this year, but I’m sad that I’ll be alone again for Christmas. Seeing all the holiday decorations displayed and hearing Christmas songs on the radio has gotten to me. I’m dreading every minute of Christmas as it’ll approach so quickly after Thanksgiving is over. I wish I was able to stay in Boston for a month working remotely, which I’m sure wouldn’t be an issue with my boss but it’s probably best I keep it as a short visit and not get too comfortable.

Clutter

For awhile lately I feel like there’s some clutter in my life. I just wanna get rid of everything and be left with literally one luggage full of my belongings like how people used to travel way back in the days. My closet is neatly organized as well as color coordinated. Everyday when I slide open that closet door and my eyes is fixed on this rainbow array of clothing where I have to pick my outfit of the day, I feel like the clothes doesn’t suit me anymore. The way I’ve always dressed has been basic such as tank top with cardigan or V-neck tee with jeans or leggings. That’s my style. I don’t get flashy with accessories. There are some clothing in this collection that just suits the old me. I have a few dresses and skirts from the clubbing and partying days, summer outfits I’ve worn to the beach visiting my parents in Cape Cod, and etc. I definitely feel like my style has changed since I’ve moved to Cali. I’d like to think it’s much more reserved and neutral, but still basic as usual. Anyways, I guess this is my way of moving on with my life as weird and corny as it may sound. Like I’ve told a lot of people, I’ve toned it down a lot since I’ve moved here and the remaining belongings that I have here doesn’t suit me as much anymore. It reminds me of the person I was back in Boston. I was very outgoing, social and free spirited. Not saying I’m not any of these traits anymore, but I don’t really have any friends to bring that side of me back again since my life is so quiet now. I’d be content with keeping a few favorite books, lipsticks (you have no idea how much I have haha) and of course favorite outfits. I’ve donated and gotten rid of A LOT of my clothes and belongings while I was preparing my move to Cali. Of course I wanted to hold onto everything, but my rule was that if it couldn’t fit in my car then it had to go. My lifestyle has changed dramatically as well since I’ve been here. I live a very simple daily life where I’m hardly ever required to get all dolled up like I used to. Dressing up for me now is putting on lipstick. It’s time to get rid of these things like I did almost a year ago when I was prepping for my move. I just don’t need a lot of these things anymore and I’m ready to let it all go.

Bittersweet Last Day

Mochi galore

Even though today was my last day at my job, yesterday was the last time I saw my coworkers since we all work from home on Fridays. A lot of people on my team didn’t have a clue that Friday would be my last day or as to why I wasn’t gonna say. Regardless of what they think it is, that didn’t matter to them. We decided to go out for lunch one last time as a team at this Thai restaurant in Santa Clara. The food was good and it was a great time hanging out with them. It was no different in or out of the office since we tend to joke around A LOT. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by at this job where I haven’t gone home laughing hard. That was definitely a memory I’ll cherish the most at this job. Not only did we all produce great work as a team, but they were like my little family and we shared a great bond not only as designers but as friends. After lunch and we got back to the office, one of my coworkers that wasn’t able to make it to lunch since she was coming in later, she brought in a box of mochi from Japan Town. It was such a sweet gesture. I almost started crying but I just said thanks and gave her a hug. She is hands down the funniest person I’ve ever met. A lady will no filter and a great sense of humor will always win me over haha. We mingled around some more and enjoyed the treats. The day was coming to an end and I was ready to pack up and go. Before I shut down my computer I sent my team a thank you e-mail with my contact information. Came 5:00PM and my team said goodbye to me and wished me well. The moment they hugged me I was so close to crying again. They are the nicest people I’ve met here in California so far. I always looked forward to going to work with such great colleagues. I’ve never really been so close with my coworkers at previous jobs yet along the entire team collectively. They helped subside my loneliness and my homesickness. Who knew I’d get so attached to such an amazing group of people? I’ve been lucky to have made such great friends and I hope I never lose touch with these people. Things definitely won’t be the same without them, but like my boss said to me “our paths will cross again someday”.

Mychael Danna – (And) The Winner Is

Generally we have music playing in our office on the company’s tablet, and this song came on when I was packing my things and saying goodbye to everyone. The song kinda suited the moment. I was trying so hard to fight back the tears hearing this song in the background while everyone was hugging me. I said so little so I wouldn’t start crying. One of my coworkers who started the same time as me walked me to my car. Her and I have grown close and it was interesting because she was my first hello and my last goodbye at the company. It was a very bittersweet goodbye. This song will always remind me of them and the good times we had together. There was never a bad day with them nor was anyone in this team disliked.

Onto bigger and better things in my career. I do hope our paths will cross again someday.

Back To Black

Beyoncé & André 3000 – Back To Black (The Great Gatsby OST)

I, I, I left no time to regret
Kept my dick wet with that same old bet
Oooh you
You and your head high and your tears dry
Get on without your guy and I, I, I went back to a new
So far removed from all that we went through
And you and you you, you tread a troubled track
Your odds are always stacked, you’ll go back to black

We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
I go back to her and you go back to, (you go back to)

I, I loved you much, it’s not enough
I love blow and you love puff
And life, is like a pipe
And I’m a tiny penny rollin’ up the walls inside

We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her and I go back to
We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to, I go back to black

It crosses my mind a lot of how much I enjoyed playing with that fire. Getting burned didn’t matter at all. A part of me can’t forget nor let go of that moment. It felt so right and of course I saw so many things wrong with that scenario, but I didn’t give a fuck. It wasn’t like I was oblivious about any of it. I knew what I was getting myself into. I don’t know what it was, but there was definitely something that’s for sure. I would’ve never thought I’d ever deal with this, but shit happens. I felt no guilt for my behavior or any remorse. I really tossed my morals and values out the window for him. None of that mattered to me besides getting to know more about him. I have to say it was truly a moment in my life where I really didn’t give a fuck, but it’s one of the most fucked up things I’ve ever done. I was selfish and I loved how it all felt. Am I proud of it? Of course not. If the moment arises again, would I put myself back in that situation? Yes and no. When it comes down to it all, the taste of the temptations was so addicting that I’d still go back because no matter what I tell myself to snap myself out of it, I just don’t give a fuck. There was much more than just temptations and seduction. Granted it was never anything physical, but the conversations was bad enough. It was a bond that I’ve never shared with anyone before. It’s one of those rare connections you have with someone that you can’t shake off and forget about. Til this day I still wonder what if we had met during the right place and time. Things would be different and we wouldn’t be behind this glass wall, or at least I wouldn’t be.

At the end of the day, we went our own ways and I front as if nothing ever happened. “You go back to her and I go back to, I go back to black…”