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After meeting with a specialist last week and getting a really unexpected and sudden medical procedure done, I had found myself getting teary eyed right before I walked out of the appointment. I sat in my car just crying my eyes out. Not like I learned anything new about what’s wrong, but the doctor’s words in describing what was wrong was repeating in my mind continuously and to have this medical procedure be done the next day freaked me the fuck out. I felt so alone because I really had no one to go with me or to even help me. That really got me so upset. I was pretty down that day and I had a big fear that I was going to shut everyone out again. I had plans later that night to attend a design event and even though I wasn’t in the best spirits, I sucked it up and went. I realized it would be easier to hide in the dark than to walk into the light. Even though my friend and I missed half of the event, it was nice to get out and connect with other designers. It helped ease my mind temporarily for me to not think about my health…until I drove home. I got really scared and as much as I didn’t want to, I asked my landlord if he was free to come with me to my medical procedure. I just needed someone to help me drive after I was done. That was it. I foolishly thought about taking an Uber after I was done, but the thought of getting in a car with a stranger after getting something like that done freaked me out even more. Luckily my landlord is such a great guy and agreed to come along with me. That helped ease my stress and anxiety. Physically I’m feeling a bit better and I’m on this journey of healing. It’s going to be a long work in progress, but there is progress at least.

Last night I had gotten together with my old team and since one of them has moved to SoCal and was in town and my birthday is coming up, it was perfect timing for us to get together. I was really happy to see all of them and for us to all be together having a great time. I think we all really needed it. When I got to the bar, my friend surprised me with cupcakes. But while on her way to the bar, walking in the rain, she dropped the box of cupcakes and they all ended up on one side of the box when I opened it up. She freaked out so bad when she gave them to me. But I just kept laughing so hard and honestly, I kinda expected something like that to happen. Of course I wasn’t mad at all about this. It was a sweet yet funny gesture. I got a really sweet card from another friend. I am a sucker for cards and letters. When I read it at the bar, I almost started crying. It was very touching. My “work mom” got me this fancy YSL nail polish and oddly I was going to paint my nails that specific color she got me, too. Overall, great time catching up and I am very grateful for the gifts that they got me.

I remember when I got home last night, I sat on the end of my bed reading the birthday card again and again and again. I started crying because not only is this friend so good to me, but sometimes we all just need to hear those words of endearment regardless if things are good or bad right now. Today after my follow up appointment and running another test with my doctor, he told me I’m on the path of getting better. Again, I’ve walked out of this office and into my car crying but this time these were happy tears. It’s been refreshing to cry but to cry out some happy tears finally. My loved ones has given me so much hope that after being dragged into hell and back from last year, things will be okay. When you get so much bad news in such a short span of time and so frequently, it’s just a shocker that there’s ever any good news coming your way. It makes me so emotional to know I’ll be okay. I’m not 100%, but I will be and to continue focusing on my health. I just want to continue moving forward in this positive direction.

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I just got back from Boston on Thanksgiving night. It was such an exhausting day since I was practically traveling all day. I was there for 2 weeks and was considering on even extending my trip, but unfortunately I have to be a responsible adult and return back to Cali. Oddly every time when I go back it feels like I never left. This is my second time where I’ve stayed for 2 weeks and I felt like I either never moved or I was back for a month. I really miss it a lot. During the last 2-3 days of my trip I tend to get pretty emotional since I know how homesick I’ll be when I go back to Cali.

On my way to the airport I got teary eyed a bit as I stared out the window aimlessly listening to music. When I finally got to the airport and checked in and all, I went to have a few drinks since I had too much time to kill before my flight. I didn’t want to be emotional about leaving along with a few other things, but I couldn’t help it. So I just kept drinking to numb these thoughts. After boarding and the plane taking off, the tears started streaming. I probably sound like a drunk mess, but I promise I was fine lol. I get the most upset whenever the plane takes off because I’m really sad to leave Boston.

I’m happy I got to see my friends and to catch up like old times. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to do as much nor see that many people since I’m still dealing with sciatica. It’s gradually getting better but I was really scared to go off anywhere by myself and the thought of falling without anyone with me freaked me out a lot. So I just stuck with my plans rather than doing my usual roaming around the city. Pretty bummed out that I couldn’t do certain things, but there’s always next time. Also, I dealt with a cold while I was there since I wasn’t getting much sleep after long nights with friends, which kinda screwed up some of my plans.

M’s annual Thanksgiving pot luck was alright. A much smaller group this year and strangely there was a lot of girls attending this year. Usually it’s a much larger group and we’re a lot louder, but this year was much more low key. I was excited to hear from B and that he was going to be coming. When B had arrived my friends made me go get the door for him as they changed seats while I was gone so I could sit next to him and for them to be able to tease me some more about him lol. Asshole friends haha. B seemed a bit bored during this event and so I had extended an invite to him to join my close friend J and I for drinks the next night. I was pretty glad he came along and no not because I have a crush on him. Just the more, the merrier.

Came Monday was when I woke up with a cold. I immediately cancelled plans with another friend. Felt bad but I really wasn’t up for it and plus I was working remotely. I just felt so out of it. That day B and I were suppose to hang out but plans were still up in the air. As I was working remotely at M’s place in my pj’s, out of nowhere B shows up at the door. I was a bit embarrassed since I wasn’t dressed and looked like a hot mess lol. When I opened the door, I was greeted with a hug and he delivered me some milk tea which was very sweet of him. We were just chatting and then he had asked about my sciatica. I told him it’s gradually getting better but my leg and back still hurts. Soon he reveals that he got licensed to be a masseuse in Japan lol. I was like wtf?? lol. Next thing you know he was just touching my ENTIRE leg (I was wearing shorts, too) where no man’s hand should go that far unless you’re my boyfriend lol. I felt so embarrassed and was so happy that M and her hubby was at work lol. I could imagine all the shit they’d give me if they were around. Anyways, I appreciated the massage and my leg was feeling a little bit better. I got an offer for a back massage but told him he’s done enough lol and I didn’t feel comfortable with him touching me that much. Talk about copping some feels lol. But my friends were entertained by this story sighs haha…

Eventually I made my way to my parents house. I have to say I wasn’t really spending that much while I was with my friends, but when I got to my parents I swear they were gonna leave me going back to Cali broke haha. Since I’m at a semi-stable job, it was nice that I was able to splurge on them. One day we went to visit my grandma and prior to visiting her I took my mom grocery shopping at the Asian market. Where my folks live there are no Asian markets so whenever I’m back my mom takes advantage of it mainly buying ingredients to make herbal soups. I was hoping she wouldn’t fight me on paying for the overfilled cart of groceries and luckily she got distracted and was able to quickly pay. Next day I had to take my dad to renew his license since he speaks pretty broken English. Paid for that and bought him a new pair of shoes. Another night treated them to hot pot dinner and helped them buy some stuff for their business. Talk about spoiled, but I’m really happy I am financially able to do this for them. They appreciate it and feel less worried about me since I am able to provide for them again like I used to be able to when I was living back Boston.

Overall, it was a good trip despite a few bumps in the road. When I woke up the next day after coming back to Cali, I really felt like I never went to Boston. It’s really strange. I’m not sure as to when I’ll be going back since I’ve made quite a few trips going back this past year. We shall see, but I miss everyone so much.

Back to my quiet, workaholic life…

Yesterday when I got home from spending the day in San Francisco, I noticed this large white envelope as soon as I stepped into the house. I checked who sent it and it was from a close friend from home. I sat on my bed and was eager to open up this package to see what it was. As soon as I saw the contents in the package I was overwhelmed with joy and started to tear up. My friend JN was really sweet and sent me a book by my favorite author and she’s a fan of him as well since we like to discuss about his books sometimes. She also sent me a newsletter from Cape Cod which is where my parents live as well as where I grew up for a certain period of time. She sent it to me since she went to visit Provincetown and thought it would be nice to send me something that reminded me of home. Plus I got an awesome pineapple shaped letter too haha. It was all really sweet and cute of her to do something like that. I generally send postcards to close friends and vice versa, and definitely don’t expect any gifts in return at all. It definitely made me feel really comforted since the moments of homesickness was kicking in earlier this past week.

JN is someone I’ve known since I was 14. She’s just about 2 years younger than me. We met through mutual friends back in the days and somehow we became close friends. She has always been the same since I’ve met her long time ago. We had this weird lingo between us where we called each other “AC” which stands for Asian Crew lol. It’s a long inside joke between the both of us, but she even referred to me as Connie “AC” Chen on the package lol. I think it’s cute that that little silly joke between us still carries on especially after so many years. I remember when I was 16 I had mentioned how I always wanted a jade bracelet but just never got one. Since I was relatively close with her family, her mom who is the biggest sweetheart gave me this amber colored jade bracelet for both JN and I. It was such a sweet gesture. Unfortunately it broke during my freshmen year in college and I felt so bad because I really did value that gift.

There were definitely periods of time where we lost touch, but whenever we caught up with each other everything was the same where it left off at. Even though we hung out with different crowds and a few of our interests didn’t match, I knew I could always count on her if I was ever in need of a friend. It was a bummer that I didn’t get to see her before I moved to California. My move was kind of short notice and I tried my best to make time for most of my close friends before I left. I really wish I got to see JN before I left, but I’m sure we’ll have a little reunion again. We still keep in touch through text messages and Google Hangout chat sessions. We always had this thing where we would catch up over a bowl of pho and that was my favorite thing with her. We’ve always done it since we were younger since it was a cheap yet enjoyable meal and we’ve managed to carry that little tradition on. She even mentions in the letter how we should catch up over a bowl of pho someday lol. I’m just glad that throughout the years, neither one of us had forgotten about each other and still have such a strong friendship. I’ve always looked at her as my little sister and that’ll never change.

Since it is now the season where a lot of my friends are able to go on vacation, I’ve been informed with some exciting news that they’ll be visiting me! The last time I’ve seen any of my friends was back in January for my birthday and Chinese New Year. I’ve reached the point where I really need to see my friends since I’m not able to fly home right now. One of my close friends is coming to visit next week, which I’m excited about. Got to see her in October in San Francisco when she was visiting and now this time I can show her around San Jose. Yesterday while I was Facetiming with my other friends they told me that they’re coming to visit end of July/early August. I can’t wait!!! Now today another friend hit me up telling me she’s coming to visit with a few of our mutual friends next week, which I’m excited about! Been a long time since I’ve seen that group of friends. It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve seen them so it’ll be great to have a little reunion. This kinda news is very comforting to hear during this time for me. I’m very lonely out here going about a very mundane routine. I’ve repeatedly told my friends back at home that I’ve been extremely well behaved and I plan on getting totally shitfaced with them since I hardly go out here lol. It’s just something I need to get out of my system and to bring back the fun, partying Connie temporarily. I know I’m pretty emotional and sensitive right now, but I’m so overwhelmed with this news that I started crying lol. That’s how happy I am lol. My friends are practically like family and it’ll be nice to have a “family reunion”.

Extremely excited!!

As corny as this may sound, when shit gets rough all you truly need is good company. Maybe it’s the liquor talking but whatevs lol. I blame it on tonight’s club and bar hopping haha. Anyways, I’m very thankful to have at least one close homegirl here especially being so far away from home. We’ve been friends for over 10 years and she’s pretty much like the little sister I never had. Her and her family has been nothing but hospitable and kind to me. It’s been very comforting. The homesickness has slowly faded but I left my heart back at home in Boston that’s for sure. I’m still having a very difficult time adjusting especially with meeting certain wack ass people here. I definitely needed a night out like tonight and just have some fun and to forget about the bullshit. I’ve cut a lot of people out of my life especially after I moved and honestly “ain’t nobody got the time for that” lol.

Definitely looking forward to many more good times and making new friends! Hope everyone else is having a great weekend! Kanpai!!! 🙂