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IMG_1760.JPGAs the date got closer for my trip back to Boston, my stress and anxiety went up a lot. I’ve been working out 5 days a week to relieve this stress. I’m scared of going home to reality. Today I had a follow up appointment on the progress of my health. Good news is that I’m doing well. Bad news is that I need another medical procedure done when I return from Boston. I know what to expect but to go through it by myself is what I’m more afraid of instead of the pain. I took work off today because I was just a total emotional mess. I just laid in bed and tried to sleep off the emotions.
At the airport as I sat by the window and stared out aimlessly while waiting to board, I felt so much anxiety and was trying to hold back the tears. I was trying my best to calm myself down. My old work mom gave me a call and cue the waterworks. I started crying and venting to her. I was overwhelmed with everything and I continue to struggle yet try to figure out how to cope the best way possible.

Perhaps this really is a good time for me to return home to be with my family and friends. Honestly I just want a big hug from them to comfort me and to push aside the fears that I’ve kept to myself. When will I be okay again? When will my mom be okay again?

Currently on my flight back to Cali from Boston. It has been a very chaotic 2 weeks. This has by far been the most stressful and emotional trip home. With all the things that has happened, I’m not myself. I can’t think clearly. My mind feels like a sponge getting the shit squeezed out of it. There’s lots of sleepless nights. I have a lot of anxiety being around people and even close friends. It’s just a lot right now.

It was nice to be around a few of my close friends during this crazy time. They’ve been nothing but supportive and understanding. However, I kept holding in my emotions because I didn’t want to cry in front of any of them. A lot happened on the first day when I came back and I got so overwhelmed that I had a mental breakdown later that night when I got back to L’s place. I just lost my shit from trying to “be myself”. I didn’t want to sit and sulk in my sadness while I’m with my friends. I know they’re my friends, but I’m stubborn and hate to be a burden to anyone.

After day one being home, I really wanted to isolate myself. I was really scared to be around a lot of people, including my parents. I had spent one night at L’s and the next day we just chilled and had a mini bbq with a few of us. I dreaded seeing my parents because I was scared to deal with the reality of things. When I pulled into the driveway, I broke down crying in the car for awhile. I had to let it out of my system before I went inside to see my parents. Since being home, I’ve had several of those moments of crying in the car. I remember the night before my mom’s doctor’s appointment the next day, I came home from having dinner with L. I texted her and a couple close friends and told them I was scared about the appointment. I just felt my heart sinking as I cried in the car and prayed that my mom will be okay.

The next day I had to get myself together and to not show any fear, especially since she was scared shitless for what the doctor would tell her. When I sat in on the conversation with my mom and the doctors, one of the doctor’s facial expressions looked extremely concerning to me. It was as if he had bad news to spill and had to be gentle with his delivery. I was getting teary eyed when he looked at me, but thankfully the news wasn’t too bad. I still hope for the best for my mom and the doctor’s will continue monitoring her. For now she’s relieved with what the doctors has told her and I’ve done the best that I can to reassure her that she will be okay.

Two days later I attended my granduncle’s wake. I cringed at the thought of seeing my absolutely shitty relatives from my dad’s side. They haven’t seen me in 4-5 years since I’ve done a pretty good job of shutting them out of my life. Not only was I really upset about my granduncle’s death, but I was bracing myself to get judged and pretty much shitted on by my relatives. They were shocked to see me since none of them knew I was visiting. Of course no surprise that their ignorance would still make an appearance at the demise of someone’s death. You should seriously rot in hell for behaving like that. Nothing like coming to pay my respect for my granduncle while I get roasted by my relatives. Out of my 2 cousins that showed up, my granduncle’s death had a bigger impact on me than either one of them.

When I walked into the ceremony room, my heart broke into so many pieces. Seeing him in that casket killed me. Seeing my grandaunt crying pained me so much. After I bowed with the incense and approached my granduncle, I balled my eyes out while I was bowing to him. It was the first time ever that I never saw him smile. He always had a big friendly and warm smile on his face whenever I saw him. He just laid there so peacefully. When I approached my grandaunt and her kids, I gave her held her hands and gave her a big hug. She had not seen me for quite some time and it’s a shame that this is the time we had to see each other under these circumstances. While folding the paper to burn, I just felt like someone ripped my heart out.

I was originally going to only attend the wake since I had to catch my flight the next day, but it pained me so much that not many people attended the funeral. There was at least like 15 of us amongst so many empty seats. My grandaunt didn’t want my granduncle’s obituary published and just wanted privacy. I totally understand and I don’t blame her. I felt guilty if I didn’t go. I wanted to spend as much time as I can to see him before I had to go to the airport. Once again, shitty relatives were surprised that my ass made yet another appearance. Fucking assholes, ugh.

When I saw my granduncle again today, the heartache just felt a million times worst. When I saw my other grandaunt (my granduncle’s sister) both last night and today, I cried even more seeing her so sad. Hearing my grandaunt (granduncle’s wife) cry loudly here and there, I felt like I got stabbed. When we all had to get up and bow together, each time I bowed the pain just hurt more and more. Going up to his casket one last time, seeing him and bowing to him was extremely painful since I would never get to see his physical being ever again. When we arrived to the cemetery and got our roses, incense and money paper, I felt like every time I bowed or moved, I cried even more. I didn’t want to say goodbye. I get teary every time I kept looking at his picture. He is buried in a beautiful yet peaceful spot. A suitable spot for him.

After the ceremony was completed, I went up to my grandaunt (granduncle’s wife) to wish her well and that unfortunately I had to leave for the airport. I gave her a long hug. I said goodbye to my other grandaunt and she apparently had no idea that I moved to Cali. She hasn’t seen me in a few years and barely recognized me because apparently I’m all grown up now. It was nice chatting with her and giving her a hug. I gave my mom a big hug and kiss before I left as well as my dad. While everyone was heading out so quickly. I really wanted to stay by my granduncle’s gravesite. Time was so rushed for me.

Going to the airport after a funeral fucking sucks. I hope I never ever have to do that shit again. I changed out of my funeral attire and into more comfy clothes when I got to the airport. I fixed my makeup so I didn’t look like this nutcase that was a hot ass mess crying. I had some time to kill and sat by the window staring out and I got teary eyed again. How the fuck do you contain yourself in public after that? When the plane took off I cried a bit staring out the window. I’m looking forward to getting off of this plane and taking a long shower.

I really don’t feel like the same person after this trip. Granted anyone passing away is very sad, but this heartache is so indescribable. I’ve been hit hard with news about my mom’s health and the death of my granduncle. I find myself really wanting to isolate myself when I get back to Cali. I just need alone time and to heal. I’m this big ball of sensitivity and can’t handle being around anyone right now. I just want peace and quiet. I want everyone to be happy and to okay. I’m in a lot of pain and I’m trying to figure out how to make myself okay again.

My maternal grandfather passed away the same year I was born. He was still living in China while my parents were relatively new immigrants to the states during that time. I’ve only seen pictures of him and even pictures from his funeral. In his photos he always had this serious stern look. I’ve always wondered what his personality was like and how he would’ve treated me since I’m his youngest granddaughter. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown more curious about him. Whenever I chat with my mom, I’d ask her about him. I feel like an anxious little kid hearing the stories about him. I start visualizing how he interacts with others and his mannerisms. According to my mom, he always put others first and enjoyed helping others. When someone was sick, he was there to take care of them and get them medicine. But when he was sick, he was stubborn about going to the doctors and having others help him. He worked on bicycles and motorcycles a lot. Seems like a cool guy to me.

My paternal grandfather passed away when I was about 13 or 14 years old. He’s the only grandfather figure I’ve ever been around, but honestly he wasn’t the greatest. Treated me like shit, never really acknowledged me, and all sorts of bad stuff. He just wasn’t a fan of me for whatever reason and I was the most well behaved. Out of all his grandchildren, my brother and I weren’t ever on the top of his list. Well eventually, my brother made it to the top of the list, but I was still on the bottom. I remember when he took my cousins and I out to McDonald’s when we were little, I saw how he favored the others except for me. It was really hurtful when you’re super young and even as an adult. I always tried to win his love, but I’d get shut down. As years went by I resented him because he never gave me a reason to like him. The feeling seemed to be mutual. I remember when he was sick and days before his passing he was kinda sorta acknowledging me. I was a bitter teenager and didn’t care because I felt like it was too late and at this point I was very detached. I wasn’t his biggest fan, but I cried at his funeral. I cried wishing we could’ve had a connection yet I was relieved that he wasn’t going to treat me poorly any longer. Even until this day I only see him as a mere stranger in my life. He was nothing but just a mean old man towards me. We never connected and unfortunately I don’t miss him one bit.

Back to my maternal grandfather…It’s odd for me to feel such greater sadness for a man that I’ve never met. It even gets me a bit teary eyed when I think about him. The love I feel from my mom’s side can’t even come close at all from my dad’s side. My maternal grandmother, uncles, aunts and cousins has treated me so well and I can only imagine that my grandfather would’ve loved me just as much as they do. When my mom shares stories with me about him, like how he really adored one of my cousins, I can only imagine what it would’ve been like. He never got a chance to come to America, but he apparently really wanted to try cheese. Apparently, he had a weird fascination with what cheese would’ve tasted like lol. I thought it was really odd yet cute and funny that that was what he wanted to do if he was to ever come.

I really don’t know why I’m even writing about him. A man that I’ve never met before. Deep down ever since I was little it always made me really sad that we never got to meet. I felt like he could’ve been there to protect me and my mom. He’s just been on my mind a lot and I don’t know why. I hope that I can visit his grave one day in China.

So strange to love and miss someone so much that you’ve never met…

My mom and I generally don’t have much to talk about when we call each other. When I call every day, I just want to know how her day went and if she ate well. I know there’s a lot of things she holds back and doesn’t share with me. I kinda sorta don’t blame her, but tonight I wished she kept this to herself.

We were chatting about family related topics and it wasn’t anything negative at all until she started saying “I don’t know if I should tell you this, but I’ll tell you another time.” I was like, “girrrrrrrl, you better tell me right now!” And yes I called my mom “girl” haha. Anyways, she tells me that my oldest cousin EC from my dad’s side was talking shit about her. Saying how it’s my mom’s fault that my dad has lost a lot of weight, making comments about how miserable my mom is, and overall how my mom isn’t a good person. How do I not get pissed off when my mom has to share this with me? My mom isn’t confrontational at all. She’s very reserved and has good intentions, but she didn’t do anything wrong for this stupid bitch to say anything about her. Luckily my uncle stood up for my mom and said something.

I’m still so mad about it and can be very stubborn and hot headed. The fact that I’m not there to protect my mom makes me feel so useless and even more angry. I would love to drag that stupid bitch out in the street, beat the shit out of her and make her apologize for disrespecting my mom like that. I don’t give a fuck if we are family or not. I don’t like anyone crossing the line with loved ones. Just the nerve this stupid bitch had. Arghh!!! I look forward to my next visit home so I can smack the shit out her. Mind you she’s a lot older than me and should know better. Fucking bitch.

I got teary eyed the more my mom was venting to me about a few other things. I got progressively angrier the more she had shared and it was hard for me to stay calm. It’s not her fault and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. I hate my father’s side so much because each and every one of them are horrible people. Horrible isn’t even the best word to describe them. Fuck them all. At the end of our conversation she kept saying to me how she doesn’t like sharing these things with me because of my temper. She mentioned how she has to keep biting her tongue and I felt so sad for her. I reassured her that I am going to try my best to make things better for her. It really makes me upset knowing all of the bullshit that she has to tolerate. I told her how all of my hard work out here in Cali isn’t just for me, but for her as well except it’s taking me some time.

I want to give her a better and happier life.

The title of this post is quite self explanatory. I’ll be skipping my sibling’s wedding. I’ve written a post somewhere discussing of my relationship with my “only brother”. Long story short, we don’t have a relationship, I haven’t seen him in a long time nor do I have his cell number. That’s how “close” we are. He’s a very toxic person that I’ve removed from my life for a long time and honestly I’ve done well without him in the picture. He’s never truly acted as an older brother to me …ever. He’s done a lot of horrible and hurtful things to me in the past that is very unforgivable. It’s just not your typical sibling rivalry where you’ll get over it and you guys can shoot the shit together.

On New Year’s Day this year, I woke up to a text message from my brother asking if I could be his fiancé’s bridesmaid. Mind you I’ve never met this girl, I don’t know what she looks like or her name, and we’ve never spoken to each other. I had ignored the text message and went about my day. What a way to wake up to the new year, right? Fast forward to today, I’ve been hounded by my parents, especially from my dad about coming home next month for the wedding. Originally I had thought about visiting home in May but when my parents mentioned the wedding, I never told them about my plan for coming to visit them and continued telling them I won’t be visiting any time soon.

My mom has tried convincing me to go, but I’m very stubborn and will continue to stick with my firm answer of “hell no”. I’ve explained my rationale to my mom as to why I don’t want to go nor do I care enough to go. Why the fuck would I attend a wedding that I don’t want to be at nor was I even formally invited to? Shit, even if my brother did invite me himself I still wouldn’t go. The point is I’ll be talked about regardless if I show up or not. I’ll only be getting disrespected if I go. Fuck that. I’d rather not be there and pretend to be happy for someone that I don’t know or really give a fuck about. Why waste a plane ticket to sit there with a bitchy face? I’d honestly rather stay home and work on my portfolio, read a book or go to the gym. That’s how non existent his wedding is on my list of “priorities”.

This past week my dad keeps asking me to come home next month and I give him the firm “hell no” as well. Am I fucked up and selfish to not show up? Honestly, yes and I’m not ashamed of it at all. Do I feel bad saying no to my parents? Not really. I’ve explained the dynamic of my “relationship” with my brother to them NUMEROUS times and they continue to not take me seriously. Well this time I hope this clicks for them. I can imagine how disappointed my parents are feeling about this whole thing, but it’s not my fault that their son is the biggest piece of shit that I’ve ever met. He had many chances in the past to change things between us but he fucked it up and it’s all too late. I don’t blame my parents to be angry and upset with me, but they should’ve listened and not taken this lightly. For them to now tell me that he said that he’s apologized to me is just bullshit. Years later and NOW you’re sorry for being a total prick? Go fuck yourself.

I’m just annoyed with getting nagged to go attend the bullshit wedding. I will not attend and condone his foolishness. He should just be glad that our parents are even gonna show up. Just leave me the fuck alone because my life has been fine without him. I don’t ever want him in my life nor in my future if I was to get married and have kids. That’s how toxic my brother is. Not many people can understand my decisions and thoughts that I have towards my brother and that’s okay. I’m not proud of the non existent relationship that I have with my brother. The only person that I’ve met that can truly understand this whole thing is my “work mom”. I try to encourage my friends that are distant from their siblings to make things better before it’s too late. My issues are much deeper with my brother than my friend’s with their siblings. In the past I had constantly wished and hoped that my brother would’ve made things better but he’s that much of a piece of shit so what can I do?

It is what it is and I just don’t want him to ever come near me. I want us to continue living our very separate lives.

Today I’ve been trying to catch up on sleep and e-mails that I attempted to ignore while I was away traveling. When I woke up from my nap, my mom called and this is where I get freaked out. She called asking me symptoms for a heart attack since my dad was saying he was having chest pains lately. My parents had planned to go to the hospital as soon as they closed their business tonight. I told her to keep me updated with my dad’s status and what the doctor says.

It was hard for me to go about my evening trying to get chores and work done. I just sat there feeling so worried and attempting to distract myself. I didn’t want to keep calling my parents to see what was happening. I just had to stay calm. I was starting to look at flights to go home in case anything got really serious. I was prepared to book a flight as I continued playing the waiting game.

Hours later my mom called me back reporting that my dad was okay. I was veryyy relieved to hear that. He had felt some gas blocked in his chest and the doctor gave him some liquid to drink to clear it up. My dad felt better drinking that stuff that he wanted more of it haha. The doctor gave him more to take home and my parents cooked themselves a late dinner once they got home.

After speaking to my mom, my dad hogged the phone to let me know that he’s okay. I told them how I didn’t eat dinner yet because I was so worried and was ready to come home if I had to. The more my dad told me he felt better, I just started crying and felt guilty for living so far. I had to hang up on him since I was starting to cry hysterically. He’s my best friend and to hear about anything bad happening to him does a big number on those heart strings. It made me question how much longer will I stay here in Cali or what if the next time it’s something serious.

It’s a very unsettling feeling and I just feel very anxious about everything that’s happening back home.

  
Today my mom and I went to visit my grandma. I always make sure we schedule a day where we go together to visit her. The last time I had seen her was last year when it was my first time visiting Boston since my move. Prior to visiting my grandma last year, my mom would tell me stories about how every time my family would see her she would always ask about me. I am the baby girl on my mom’s side and she did raise me.

When I had seen her last year I was excited yet anxious. I greeted her with a hello and a hug. My mom had asked her if she knows who I was and she shook her head no. That made me really want to cry right at that moment but she is 93 so I couldn’t blame her for not remembering me. Later I had realized and told my mom that grandma only remembers me up to my teenage years. She doesn’t really know what I look like as full grown adult Connie, not that I look entirely different or anything.

I was just really sad and very angry at myself for not visiting her as often even before I moved. I feel like shit for not being there all those times. She really is a huge chunk of my heart and I feel like a horrible granddaughter for not being there as much as she has been for me growing up.

During today’s visit I was once again excited yet more anxious than last year. I was bracing myself for if she doesn’t remember me again. I was getting pretty emotional the closer we got to her room. She was napping when my mom and I had arrived. She was surprised to see us and she just kept staring at me. I greeted her with a hello and a hug. I sat next to her on her bed holding her hand during the whole visit. My mom asked her if she remembered me and I was relieved when she said yes. Happy tears wanted to come out but nope haha. Although with her being 94 now, she also thinks I work at her current senior home. She told me she just saw me a couple days ago and I just laughed a little. I kept having to tell her that I work very far away and that I came back to see her. She wasn’t accepting what I kept telling her and that’s okay.

I was very happy that she remembered me and I didn’t want to let go of her hand at all. Holding her hand reminded me a lot of things. How she used to hold my hand when I was little and we would go for long walks or how she would hold my hand and stand up for me whenever my brother picked on me. There was just a lot of childhood memories that really hit me hard. Anyways, it was hard for me to have to leave but I’m hoping to visit home again soon so I can see her again.