A few nights ago I couldn’t fall asleep until 5:00AM and I had to wake up at 8ish AM to work, granted I was working from home but still. I remember it took place in Seattle and this shitty person from my past that I used to like was in it. We’ll just refer to this person as POS. It was odd that we were both in Seattle at the hotel that I enjoy staying at because he’s not even from Seattle nor have we ever been there together. Anyways, I was staying at my usual hotel in Seattle but in the dream the hotel seemed even bigger. I was walking around inside the hotel and noticed POS. We both stared at each other and he smiled at me. I just continued walking and somehow we were walking next to each other. He started saying really shitty things to me and how he was there with his fiancée. Everything he was saying to me he was smiling and just being a total dick to me. I just remember feeling so hurt in this dream. Later in the dream I saw POS and his fiancée just being so happy together and laughing. Then I noticed this other girl next to me looking at them, too. It was weird. I think she realized that she was getting played by him as well. The dream ended there.
No sleeping pills or any type of sleep aid was involved this time around when I had this dream. I’m not sure what made POS come to mind. Definitely haven’t thought about him or anything. I remember waking up feeling so sad and confused as to why he was even in my dream. I was reminded of how hurt I was by him and how incredibly shitty he is.
Relaxing and sleeping hasn’t been in my favor. It’s been difficult for me to focus on work. I feel like I’m looking at a blank screen and I just can’t think. I took work off yesterday because I needed a break. I needed to just disconnect from work for the day, but I ended up laying in bed all day vegging out. I was so out of it just laying there. At a point I tried to snap myself out of it and thought to myself “what the fuck is wrong with you? why are you fucking this up?”. I made sure I would get to bed extremely early since it takes me a few hours to fall asleep. Took some sleeping pills and got into bed at 8pm to see if I can sleep at all. Sleeping pills and anything hasn’t worked on me, but I needed to give it a try. I haven’t had a good night sleep in a very long time until last night.
Sometimes when I look at my Jawbone app to see how I slept, it can range from 3-10 times that I woke up in the middle of the night. When I checked today, I woke up zero times during the middle of the night. That’s a first. I remember waking up feeling so comforted. I remember my dream so vividly. Some part of it took place in Boston and the rest I’m not too sure. I remember seeing my shitty relatives that I had seen at my granduncle’s funeral in my dream. They were shouting at me as I walked by them. The faster I tried to walk away from them, I felt very sad but I just kept it moving.
I was on my way to meet a guy for like a first date or something. I don’t know who this guy is, but he felt like someone I knew yet a stranger at the same time. Weird, I know. It was like we were meeting for the first time or it was almost like a reunion. He was very sweet and saying a lot of nice things to me and I remember feeling so shy around him. I tend to only get shy if I really like someone, so it’s a rarity. We were sitting outside and we were holding each other. I remember he had a half tattoo sleeve and I was running my fingers along his arm as if I was tracing the lines. We didn’t say much but just held each other. It was a very sweet moment. That whole moment with this guy felt so real.
When I woke up it was the first time I didn’t feel like shit. I felt okay. I didn’t feel miserable or anything. Is it weird that I feel like something like this happened in my past, yet it never has? Whatever it was, it briefly made me feel like I’ll be okay. I don’t know. Maybe I should lay off of the sleeping pills.
For the past couple of nights I haven’t slept so well, but nothing new there. I have a horrible time trying to sleep in general. Anyways, over the weekend I had some really bad nightmares two nights in a row. I would wake up at 4AM scared shitless and trying to forget what happened. But I was too scared to fall back asleep so I’d try to distract myself with some YouTube in hopes that I’ll fall asleep again. There was something just so disturbing about those two nightmares. I pretty much got killed twice in a row. I couldn’t see who murdered me, but it still freaks me out.
Last night I was relieved it wasn’t another nightmare. It was a very sweet dream. It felt so real. It was about PC. I won’t go into details of what exactly happened there, but for once in a long time I felt so close to him than I ever did. I know it sounds so corny, but it did. I was really sad when I woke up because I was disappointed that it was over. His presence in my dream felt so real and it’s been on my mind all day. With some of the things that has occurred recently, I felt so protected and safe when I saw him in my dreams. I wish it was the same in this reality, but unfortunately it’s not. At the end of the day, I am my own protector.
Just something I needed to write and get out of my mind.