My job title means a lot to me. It’s what I’ve worked hard for to earn it over the years. Recently there has been a change to people’s job titles at work due to the merger. In my opinion, I think it’s so stupid. Essentially my title went from designer to engineer. For whatever reason, I got so mad and bothered by the change. It still bothers me. Nothing wrong with being an engineer but WHAT THE FUCK? The responsibilities that entails to what an engineer versus a designer is not the same. I design, I don’t fucking build things. It just pisses me off when people are so uneducated and go ahead to assume what I do and it’s a shame that a large corporate company that I work at can’t even understand the difference. I find it really insulting for the credibility that I hold in my skills.
I’m going through this weird down moment and it’s been a bit of a struggle for me to snap myself out of it. I just don’t feel like myself and all I want to do is sleep all day in bed. BLAH!!! I remember Thursday night I was really down and had a hard time going to sleep. With the little hours of sleep that I managed to get, I already felt so frustrated with myself because I knew I wouldn’t be as productive since I was really tired. Before I got out of bed, I did my usual routine in bed of checking my emails and browsing through Twitter.
I had checked Instagram since I saw a notification and noticed that my friend sent me a message. I had met B a couple years ago when I had first moved here. Really friendly and talented guy. This guy has a really awesome voice and can play multiple instruments. I remember he had invited me to this open mic night and this guy was legit a one man band with singing, playing the trumpet, keyboard, and I forget what else. It was really impressive, plus he teaches at a music school. So, there was this one time where he had asked to borrow my DSLR and I was cringing so bad to even consider letting him borrow it for a video shoot. The video shoot had featured the students that he was teaching and they have a band and waned to shoot a music video.
After all of his begging and pleading, I gave in. Plus, I kinda felt like a jerk if I was the person preventing the kids from shooting a music video. He was very careful with it and returned it in a timely manner. I got to see the final product and even got mentioned in the video which was pretty cool. Since then I hardly ever see him and we tend to run into each other randomly especially at coffee shops when I’m doing work or reading. I had woken up to this message from him and honestly, it really made the start of my day really good:
For as long as I’ve been a designer, one of my goals is to try my best to inspire and motivate others. I share design related articles about collaboration or whatever is happening in the design scene, handy assets that other designers can use in their work, etc. I know how hard it was for me to get that drive much earlier on in my career and I was hungry to connect with other designers. I’ve always been very humble since I had struggled and worked so hard to get myself to where I am at now.
This message just really meant a lot to me especially during this design funk that I’m in right now. I’m glad that I was able to help B out and to have made an impact. That is just one of the most rewarding things in life and it just reassures me that I am doing something right as a designer and person. During my days like today where I feel like “I suck”, I just read this message to cheer myself up. Sometimes we just need to be told that we’re awesome.
The title of this post is pretty self-explanatory. For quite some time I’ve felt this way about my current job. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate it. I’m just bored. I’m eager to want to learn more, to contribute more and to simply be valued. I’m just not really getting any of that. This job is still a huge transition for me. To work even more independently than I ever have as well as adapting to a team and boss that is practically 100% remote. I knew what I was getting myself into when I came on board and this was a challenge that I was ready to take on. I am definitely grateful to have a supportive boss that has so much trust in me and to work with a team filled with really smart and talented people. Sometimes we all feel a bit greedy and selfish and just crave for more.
I’ve felt a bit uninspired and unmotivated due to all of those things so I’m really trying to pick up my own weight and get it together. I’ve been searching for design events to go to, which there’s an abundance of in the Bay Area. Searching and signing up to go is one thing, but to actually show up is another. I’m making it a much more conscious effort to show up and to stop being so antisocial when it comes to these things. As I’ve gotten “older” now, I really don’t care to mingle with others like I used to back in Boston. I used to be a social butterfly and I enjoyed it. Now I feel like that cranky old lady that just wants everyone to fuck off haha.
Last week I went to a design event that was hosted right across the street from my office, so I really couldn’t skip out on that one. But that day I worked from home and wasn’t in the mood. I cringed at the thought of getting ready to go, but did so anyways. Got myself together, grabbed my business cards and just sucked it up. When I got there, it was 5 minutes before the presentation started. I immediately went to the bar and had myself a couple glasses of wine just to put myself at ease. I started chatting with the girl next to me, chatted with a couple people that were standing around waiting to chat with the UX director and to exchange business cards, and I unexpectedly ran into this guy that I went to college with whom I had design classes with. It was an interesting and productive night. I was proud of myself for going and expanding my network.
I think in the back of my mind I’m scared that this won’t last long. Oddly in the first time in my career, I’m lacking a bit of confidence in myself as a designer. I have doubts that I can’t hold my own or to excel to my best potential. Most creatives (and non-creatives) run into this “creative block” and I like to refer to it as a design funk. My goals this year was to attend design events, carry my Fujifilm x100t around more, and find new cafes to work remotely/read. They’re pretty straight forward goals. For now, I’m trying my best to keep myself as inspired and motivated as I can.
I have to admit that being back on the unemployed club is definitely not fun. Whoever said it was? I’ve been trying my best to stay positive and to treat job searching as a full time job itself. Even though this unemployment is still quite fresh, I’m gradually panicking and worrying. I’m really trying to keep my cool and to relax. Everything will be okay. Due to a recent incident back at home, it’s kinda thrown me off track of this path of optimism. Seriously, can’t catch a break especially in the new year. It’s definitely gotten harder for me to sleep again. I’m literally in bed at 10PM and rolling around bed until 2 or 3AM and waking up at 7AM. I’m just very restless.
When I can’t sleep I spend my time job searching away or reworking my resume or website. I don’t waste any time at all. All gadgets (MacBook Pro, iPad mini, iPhone…can you tell I’m an Apple fan girl? haha) and notebook is all on deck if I need to hop onto any of those platforms to search for something or to quickly write something down. I got a lot of up and coming projects to work on. It’s quite a work load on my plate but I need to do it to better myself for my own sake as a designer. As excited as I am about these projects, I can’t tackle on too much at the same time or else I won’t get shit done. Tonight I had a great idea for a design website to develop, but I think it’s best I try to get a good night’s rest before I jump into anything. I was borderline close to purchasing a domain. It’s been an idea that I wasn’t sure how to go further with it, but tonight it just came to me. Once again, I need to let these ideas marinate in my mind for a bit and to start my day fresh tomorrow so I can organize my ideas and thoughts thoroughly. I guess I’m just excited to get some projects started. Here’s my “free” time that I need to take advantage of while it lasts. You know you love your career if you catch yourself thinking about it while off the clock. This is what I’m passionate about and what I’m willing to do to get myself to where I need to be. With the issues back at home, it’s raised my level of determination and drive for not only myself, but for my family as well.
Anyways, I really do think too much at night whether it’s about my career or something else, but at least my mind is wandering towards a positive path. Hopefully I can fall asleep soon!!