Caught Up

It’s been a week since I was with AA after we spent a few days together. I am currently back in Boston visiting family and friends. While I’m enjoying my trip, I’m starting to really miss AA. When I left him and then heading to Boston, I did think of him but I didn’t miss him. I wasn’t really bummed out or anything. There’s moments when I’m trying to focus on my work but I’m distracted by thinking of him and BAM he’ll text me. Weird how things work out. This is the second distinct moment where I’m finding myself constantly thinking of him. I think of the little things when we were spending time together. It’s just this certain feeling that I can’t describe.

I feel like I haven’t been with a proper guy in forever (or probably ever) and this is going to sound super dumb, but is it normal for me to feel this way? I’m seriously a total idiot when it comes to relationships since I’ve been super disconnected with men and relationships for so long. I’m smart at my job, but clearly outside of that I’m a total doofus haha. I miss him and I hope to spend time with him again soon when I come back. He makes me happy, safe and comfortable. I’ve never felt like this before with any guy especially the safe and comfortable part. I’ve never been so open with close friends and even not so close friends where I’m telling them about a guy. I just want to tell everyone about him. Not by any means to brag, but to let people know how amazing he is. Once again, is this normal? lol. As much as I miss him and want to see him soon, I don’t want to rush things. I want to give each other enough space where we can miss each other like this.

Not sure if I’m all the way here in Boston and he’s back in Cali, but I’m really feeling that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

What has he done to me? Who am I? lol…

Advertisements

Taking a Chance

When everything feels right and you’re oddly so calm yet there’s still a bit of nervousness lurking around. I’ve really never felt this comfortable before but I hope it’s the right move.

Flawed

They say it’s best to never go to bed upset and whoever said that is right. I can’t sleep due to feeling so down. Yesterday I had a pretty great day. It was fun and it was nice to go out like that since I’m such a huge homebody now. I was having a great time until my friends (husband and wife) and I went out for drinks. This is where it goes really downhill…

My friend’s husband is such a nice guy. Really great guy and has good intentions. While we were sitting down enjoying our drinks and chatting, he says to me “I have a question for you…”. He asked away and then followed up with “okay I have a second question…”. My friend (his wife) told him no more questions but if you’re telling me you have another question you might as well tell me. He asked me what type of guy am I into and questions in regards of my dating life. I was really surprised and kinda taken back by him asking me this because it’s not like I’ve ever said anything about setting me up with someone that they know or anything. We discuss a bit about this and this is where it really goes downhill. Like real fucking down…

I got super choked up and started tearing up as I tried to gather my words out. I simply said, “you know with so many past failed relationships and bad luck with dating, I’ve come to terms that I’m such a flawed person and that I’m meant to be alone. I know I am a good person but I’m just not meant to be with anyone and that’s something that I’m learning to accept.” I almost started crying pretty bad after saying all of that. Even typing out that makes me really teary eyed again. My friend smacked her husband’s arm and called him an asshole. It wasn’t his fault nor his intention to make me cry. It’s something that I’ve come to terms with and honestly it’s probably the most sad shit I’ve ever said especially out loud. Who wouldn’t feel bad to hear anyone say that? I’d feel awful if I heard any of my friends speaking like that. After that I reassured him that it wasn’t his fault and that it hurts to say something like that about yourself. During the drive home, I cried all the way home. I felt my heart breaking into so many pieces. Since coming home I’m just a mess.

It is what it is. Clearly it’s something that I’m still working on accepting. I don’t deserve anyone’s love except for the love from my family and friends. I’m glad my friends have found their significant others but it’s just not in the cards for me. “Meant to be” no longer means anything to me. I’ve lost a lot of hope due to past failed relationships and meeting shitty guys. I truly don’t believe in a good man (for me that is). I don’t believe that the right time will come. I don’t believe I’m meant to be loved unconditionally. I know all of this is so negative but it is the truth. I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad for me nor am I expecting words of encouragement. As much as I want to believe and to be hopeful, I’m just not. I was once a hopeless romantic and it’s just not there anymore. That’s probably the part that makes me the most sad.

I am a strong and independent woman but even the strongest person has their vulnerabilities and this is it. I just want to get some sleep and wish this sadness went away quickly. I hate feeling this way.

Shield

I’ve been pretty heads down with work lately. I’m focused on building a strategy of success for my team and how I can help in any way that I can to make things better. I’ve had the chance to meet my design idols, who’s book I was currently reading, and I’ve had great discussions with them as well. They helped me see things in a different perspective and it’s changed me in some ways in how I operate. It’s helped pave this leadership path that I am on. They were just super inspiring people that I’ve met and it has made a pretty large impact on my career. By no means am I trying to become a manager or a director. However I do see myself as an influencer…if that’s the right term to use. I’ve immersed myself in design books where it speaks a lot about leadership and whatnot, and I’m loving it. I spend 2 hours towards the end of my work day to read as much as I can. There’s just so much information that I’m trying to absorb and to take into action.

A few weeks ago my friend had this girl’s night dinner and it was fun. My design idol showed up too which left me foaming at the mouth lol. I wanted to get to know her more since she really is such an amazing person both in the design community and outside of that. Our discussions varied on so many things and oddly we can all relate to whatever was being discussed. Anyways, at the end of the night I realized how diverse this group of women are yet we were all on the same page. There were major age gaps between us, different occupations, mothers, wives, singletons, etc. It was just such a strong group of women to be around especially during that time where I felt so down about the guy, I really needed this.

I’ve thought a lot about where I’m standing now and where I was just a month ago. To some degree that cut is still open a bit and I’m still hurt. I am much better today in a sense where I’ve been able to lead and pretty much kick ass where I need to. I am proud of my efforts and my dedication in what I need to get done especially for my career and my team. I know this might happen again since I still have doubts, but I don’t ever want to be in that position again where a guy has made me feel like that. It was a lot on me and it was so draining. It has been quite some time where I had gotten that vulnerable for someone and it was just too painful for me. To even say out loud to him and even my close friends, “I like you” was a huge deal for me. It takes a lot for me to even  say that since I’m quite selective in who I even crack the door open for. He made me feel so terrible as if he slammed that door so damn hard in my face. It was too much for me. I’ve built my walls back up to shield myself because I can’t allow this to happen again. At least not right now. I am so focused and I can’t be distracted. I need time to trust again and I need to protect myself.

Discouraged

I reached out to L to see how he was doing since I was genuinely concerned. He called me and basically told me he’s been talking to his ex and is trying to get back with her and intends on marrying her as well as moving back to Chicago as soon as possible. I was beyond crushed and disappointed as I listened to everything he was saying. I felt so heartbroken and refrained from crying on the phone. I just simply told him that I was really disappointed and that I wished him the best of luck since I was still in shock and at a lost for words. He thanked me for being there for him and didn’t want me to think it was a waste of my time. However, I did waste my time on someone who’s heart and mind was elsewhere. It was unfair to me.

It’s a huge deal for me to even like someone and now I just want to build my walls back up again. This isn’t the first (or second or third or forth) time I meet a guy and he ends up going back to his ex or off to someone else. It really makes me so sensitive and flawed that I can’t even sustain a relationship at all. As successful as I am, I feel like a huge failure in this department. Not only that, I strongly more than ever firmly believe that there is no good guy out there. I’m sure I’ll be told otherwise, but I really can’t see that.

Suddenly Disappointed

I had talked to this guy a month ago very briefly and long story short, we reconnected again recently. We were both clear as to what we’re currently looking for since I didn’t want to waste my time. As we got to know each other, it was refreshing to meet someone like him. He’s intelligent, handsome, very respectful, sweet and kind. I haven’t met someone like him ever and there was something about him so charming. However as we were kicking things off, I had told him that I’d basically be busy all of September. I was busy with work and had plans, as well as traveling to Boston for 2 weeks and I’d be busy the last week of September once I got back. I felt bad but made it clear to him what my schedule was like so it didn’t make me look like a total flake.

We’ve been in touch on a daily basis and it was nice talking to someone that wants know how my day was. He’s so smart and just the way he carried himself was extremely attractive to me. It was a lot of little things that drew me closer to him. Since being in Boston, I was looking forward to spending time with him when I got back and to take a break from the text messages and phone calls. I felt connected to this guy in some ways due to similar past experiences such as moving to Cali. It was really sweet and cute how he would ask when I’m coming back. That feeling of being needed and wanted to some level felt so nice.

However, my heart sank pretty deep last night. He had mentioned about having depression at one point and that didn’t turn me off. It only wanted me to be there even more for him, to support him and to be there in anyway that I can. Last night he had texted me mentioning how he had a terrible day and was on his way to his group therapy session. I told him to reach out to me anytime if he needed to talk. Well he definitely took advantage of that. He pretty much told me he wasn’t in the right state of mind to be dating due to his depression and how severe it was getting. I felt incredibly sad for him and wishing that he’d get better. The selfish side of me was disappointed that this wasn’t gonna go anywhere and I even told him too.

It’s not his fault for this not working out but I do feel very crushed. Dating is incredibly difficult in this digital era with heavy loaded social media platforms. It’s so hard to come across any type of authenticity nowadays. I met a nice guy and unfortunately it’s not going to work out. I really do hope he gets the help that he needs and that he’ll be okay. I am genuinely concerned and told him that even though things aren’t working out for us doesn’t mean I can’t be there for him. I’ve also mentioned that if he needs his privacy I will totally back off and respect his privacy. Right now I’ve backed off to not only respect his privacy but for me to detach myself from this great guy.

Why do these bullshit things happen to me? It’s not only unfair to me, but unfair to him. I’m just really bummed out.

Why Are Men Bitches?

I’m still talking to R and things aren’t too bad, but I am allowed to keep my options opened. I recently met J and I was already kinda ‘meh’ about him. He looks like the typical Korean pretty boy that’s all put together. Even though he’s cute, I kinda sensed some cockiness and the ‘I’m too good for you’ attitude. I was already being a bit judgmental, but I gave him a chance just to get a feel for him. I was getting annoyed with J because every time we texted, he kept bugging me the shit out of me to see me. For example, J asked what I was doing for the rest of the day and I told him. Afterwards he asked if I want to meet up. From there if he wasn’t such a dumbass he’d understand that I was pretty busy from what I had just told him. Not in his case because he’s a fucking idiot.  His eagerness was just too much for me, all up in my face and I just wasn’t going to have it. Some girls might like that type of attention, but not me. I felt like there was a chihuahua all up in my face barking non stop. In general I don’t like people like that. I feel that when you’re so eager, I get a sense that you want something, you’re desperate, and just all round bad vibes.

At one point I had to tell J to chill out and you’d think he would. Negative! I had briefly ignored his text messages because he was annoying me and practically talking to himself. Today we exchanged text messages for a bit and yet again bugging the shit out of me to see me. I had enough and his lack of awareness of respecting my space. I just straight up told him that I wasn’t feeling this with him constantly asking to see me and I wasn’t into him. I told him how I’m sure he’s a nice guy and hope he meets a nice girl. I was being honest and pretty polite about it. I didn’t say anything wrong. Well you’d think for a 35 year old man he’d know how to handle his shit. Guess not. Motherfucker laughed it off and responded back with saying ‘well I didn’t want to see you that bad anyways’. Yeah…okay. What an asshole trying to make it seem like it was a loss for me and not him. I can understand why he’s single. He should be glad that I even had the decency to be honest with him than to ignore him like most people would. I’m just glad he’s out of the picture. It made me realize that maybe R isn’t that bad after all. We’ll see.

I started thinking about the guys that I’ve met and dated. The guys that I’ve met either: wants to get in my pants thinking I have “fuck me now” written on my forehead, desperately wants to get wifed up and planning things in advanced for “us”, or they’re boring as fuck with no substance even if they’re smart with what they do in their professions. Can someone tell me why men are bitches? Unfortunately, I feel like a lot of men in Cali are like this. I have to admit I miss dating guys from the East Coast. It’s a HUGE contrast. They at least give me something to work with, but not here AT ALL. With what the guys here want compared to my wants are at total opposite ends. The more I try to be open minded with guys, the more irritable I get. It would be nice to meet someone KH. Giving me that witty banter that I love and is so entertained by yet sweet at the right times when I needed him to be.

But for real, why are men bitches? So annoying and frustrating.