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I’m still talking to R and things aren’t too bad, but I am allowed to keep my options opened. I recently met J and I was already kinda ‘meh’ about him. He looks like the typical Korean pretty boy that’s all put together. Even though he’s cute, I kinda sensed some cockiness and the ‘I’m too good for you’ attitude. I was already being a bit judgmental, but I gave him a chance just to get a feel for him. I was getting annoyed with J because every time we texted, he kept bugging me the shit out of me to see me. For example, J asked what I was doing for the rest of the day and I told him. Afterwards he asked if I want to meet up. From there if he wasn’t such a dumbass he’d understand that I was pretty busy from what I had just told him. Not in his case because he’s a fucking idiot.  His eagerness was just too much for me, all up in my face and I just wasn’t going to have it. Some girls might like that type of attention, but not me. I felt like there was a chihuahua all up in my face barking non stop. In general I don’t like people like that. I feel that when you’re so eager, I get a sense that you want something, you’re desperate, and just all round bad vibes.

At one point I had to tell J to chill out and you’d think he would. Negative! I had briefly ignored his text messages because he was annoying me and practically talking to himself. Today we exchanged text messages for a bit and yet again bugging the shit out of me to see me. I had enough and his lack of awareness of respecting my space. I just straight up told him that I wasn’t feeling this with him constantly asking to see me and I wasn’t into him. I told him how I’m sure he’s a nice guy and hope he meets a nice girl. I was being honest and pretty polite about it. I didn’t say anything wrong. Well you’d think for a 35 year old man he’d know how to handle his shit. Guess not. Motherfucker laughed it off and responded back with saying ‘well I didn’t want to see you that bad anyways’. Yeah…okay. What an asshole trying to make it seem like it was a loss for me and not him. I can understand why he’s single. He should be glad that I even had the decency to be honest with him than to ignore him like most people would. I’m just glad he’s out of the picture. It made me realize that maybe R isn’t that bad after all. We’ll see.

I started thinking about the guys that I’ve met and dated. The guys that I’ve met either: wants to get in my pants thinking I have “fuck me now” written on my forehead, desperately wants to get wifed up and planning things in advanced for “us”, or they’re boring as fuck with no substance even if they’re smart with what they do in their professions. Can someone tell me why men are bitches? Unfortunately, I feel like a lot of men in Cali are like this. I have to admit I miss dating guys from the East Coast. It’s a HUGE contrast. They at least give me something to work with, but not here AT ALL. With what the guys here want compared to my wants are at total opposite ends. The more I try to be open minded with guys, the more irritable I get. It would be nice to meet someone KH. Giving me that witty banter that I love and is so entertained by yet sweet at the right times when I needed him to be.

But for real, why are men bitches? So annoying and frustrating.

R and I started talking back in April. He is a year younger than me and that’s usually not my cup of tea. I didn’t want to be such an ageist and gave him a chance. Based on our conversations, you can tell he was young and I started feeling iffy about him. As we got to know each other things were getting a bit better until…he pissed me off haha. I just felt like he was up to the hit it and quit it kinda shit with me and I wasn’t down with that. I’m just over fucking around and I don’t have the tolerance for that anymore. I said something to him about it and he just laughed it off, so I stopped talking to him. He continued texting me a few times and I would just ignore his messages. It became entertaining for me to see his pathetic text messages.

Now we’re in late July and R hit me up out of nowhere. We haven’t spoken since May. While I was at work I saw a text message from him asking me how my new job is. I ignored the message for 2 days because I didn’t care enough to reply. I told my close friend KH about R and she thinks I’m being mean. KH and I talked about R and I did some thinking. So yesterday after work when I got home, I replied to him. Of course he replied immediately after I had hit ‘send’.

We were catching up and it wasn’t so bad, but then we had a pretty open conversation. I really wanted to know what his intentions were for even hitting me up. I told him how I was a bit interested in him until he was behaving like an ass and I wasn’t going to have any of that bullshit. He apologized and said that wasn’t his intention. Blah blah blah. After our conversation he asked what did I want to do and where do we go from here. Honestly I felt a bit whatever, but I saw no harm in starting over with him. I wasn’t mad about what had happened between us in the past and holding a grudge against him. But it’s going to take a lot for me to be as interested as I used to be in him. I’m kinda glad to be starting fresh with him yet oddly enough I feel anxious and nervous. I’m scared that I’ll actually really like him and I’m scared of getting hurt and rejected.

I guess we’ll see how things go.

Last month I was talking to this guy R. I was a bit iffy about him because he is a year younger than me. Not a drastic age gap at all, but I’ve always had a thing with not dating someone my age or younger. In the past I’ve dated 2 guys that were younger than me, and yeah…no bueno! So when R came along I wasn’t that thrilled but gave him a chance instead of being this “ageist”. Conversations were as expected from talking to someone younger than me, but gradually things got a little bit better as we got to know each other. He went from a 2 to a 5 on my scale out of 10.

With the craziness at work and I really hate to use the “work card” as an excuse, but for real I had a lot on my plate. I valued my sleep more than talking to R lol. I know it sounds mean but if you don’t want me to be grumpy and mean, then let a girl catch a break and rest. Our conversations were getting really boring anyways. Constantly asking me the same shit on a different day. I just didn’t want to participate in that kind of conversation if you already know the answer, ya know? Our schedules conflicted as well, which made it hard for us to hang out. Over that brief phase I was getting bored with R and got totally turned off by something that he said, which definitely added to my lack of interest in him.

I said something back to him and he just took it as a joke. At that moment, I started ignoring his text messages. Laugh at that fucker. I don’t play like that. He followed up with a text message after trying to laugh the conversation off. From my end, no response. The next day another message. Nothing from me. Then another day. Still nothing from me. Then YET AGAIN another day, still the same shit. You’re clearly an idiot if you’re not getting the picture already. I was very straight forward in my last response to him before I started ignoring him. It just became so laughable how he kept texting me everyday and practically talking to himself. Honestly, I don’t give a fuck.

I told my close girlfriend about this and she thought I was being mean and to give this guy a chance because he could be a “good guy”. I disagreed. If he wasn’t being a jackass and was more mature, I wouldn’t be this way so too bad haha. I explained to her how he could potentially be a good guy for me, but I don’t have the time to deal with someone else’s emotions. Shit, I can barely get a grip onto mines with the stress that I’ve been dealing with. At a point before I started ignoring him, I did feel like I was stringing him along and I felt bad. For what? I honestly don’t know. Maybe to have some company because things has been so hard for me and it’s been lonely dealing with it all on my own. Maybe I just needed someone to talk to that wasn’t just one of my friends. Whatever it was, I’m okay with ending communications with R. I was actually going to bring this up to him when we last talked, but too late.

I don’t feel like this was a loss for me at all, but when I’m being firm about something don’t take it lightly. I just really don’t play that bullshit.

I’ve been pretty upset for the past 2 days. Bad timing for me to even feel this way since I am absolutely slammed with work this weekend. Have you ever wished for things to just work out and you don’t want to talk about it out loud or as much because you’re afraid you’ll jinx yourself? It’s how I feel right now. Perhaps I’m overthinking it all, but I can’t help it. I tried to not think about it as much but I just started to feel even more anxious by the minute. I confided in friends for their opinions, but that only made me feel a tiny bit better. The longer I had bottled up all of my thoughts and emotions inside yesterday, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I had decided to get out for my own sanity sake, which only resulted in me crying.

As I was about to park my car I had a total melt down. I started crying so hysterically in my car, my face into my palms and wondering what was wrong with me. I am being hard on myself and I am so vulnerable right now. Sitting in my car for awhile last night and crying was the absolute worst feeling I’ve dealt with in awhile. I felt so alone in that moment thinking about everything. I thought about how I’m in my late 20s, soon to approach my 30s and haven’t been able to maintain a solid relationship in awhile. When I said those things to my friend she had totally understood how I felt and why I could be overthinking. I’m not forcing anything to happen. I’ve been allowing things to fall into its own place, but why can’t that one aspect in my life come together? This is probably why I try to drown myself in my work so I can protect myself from feeling this way.

I had gone to bed early last night just wanting to sleep off all of these emotions, but that didn’t really help. I dragged myself out this morning so I can get work done, but it’s been hard to focus. I need to pull myself out of my emotions and snap out of this shit. I just can’t help but to think about myself crying in my car last night. It’s something that should never happen to anyone.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

My close girlfriend M was staying with me recently in Cali. During her last night at my place we were having some girl talk about guys and dating. We talked about exes and the guys that I used to date or “talk” to. It was interesting to reminisce, but at the same time it made me think “what the fuck is wrong with you?”. It does bother me to an extent as to why it never worked out with some of these guys. It does kinda make me feel as if I’m a failure when it comes to guys. I remember at that moment I had said to M I feel as though with all these bad apples in my basket, I’m not meant to be with a nice guy. I don’t say that in a “boo hoo, poor me” attitude, but it is what it is. I’ve dated different types of guys and have been open minded, but for whatever reason it never works out. I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I’ve kinda given up on trying to date again. M asked what I was looking for in a guy. I want an independent, funny, caring, smart, ambitious, etc. guy, but of course those are such generic descriptions to anyone’s wants in a guy.

M was telling me about an article that our friend N and her boyfriend read. It was filled with a list of questions to see how compatible you and your significant other are. M thought it’d be fun to ask me some of the questions and I didn’t mind either. I remember one of the questions she had asked was if it would be a deal breaker that my significant other was family oriented or not. Things along those lines. Then she asked me to complete the sentence to this: “If I had to share anything with my significant other, it would be ____________.” I said, everything and M gave me this corny smile and said “awww”. But it’s true that I would share everything with my significant other.

We were then discussing about how some girls that we know are with great guys, but they’re not much of a great catch themselves. They’re lazy, unattractive, pathetic, etc. I said to M that I’m not that bad looking, hard worker, independent, funny, etc etc, yet I’m still single. WHY?! I’m just having my moment where being single sucks right now. I just want someone that loves me more than I love them. A selfish desire, but it’s what I want. I’m used to taking care of others around me as well as myself and for once I just want to be taken care of. I’m a simple girl that doesn’t ask for much, but during single moments like this it seems as if I’m asking for the world. Sighs…

I’m tired and scared. I’m so scared of anyone getting close to me because I know they won’t stay around long. I just want to warn them before they come any closer to just slowly back off to save myself the trouble. Even if we share a great conversation or similar interests, I’m scared to get my hopes up. I feel extremely guarded and my walls are up so high that I don’t want anyone to come into my life anymore just to only walk out so quickly. It’s very upsetting and disappointing. I have good people in my life, but when it comes to my love life I feel so cursed. I feel like I’m not meant to be with a genuinely nice guy. No matter how open minded I try to be to give people chances or how cautious I try to be, it never works out.

I’m at the point where I feel like there’s something totally wrong with me. I’m vulnerable and insecure. Am I really that unwanted by any man? I know I’m a good girl and I have a lot to offer, so what is wrong??? I found myself burying my face into my hands sobbing hysterically. I really want to know what is wrong with me. My friends has said to me nothing is wrong with me and tried to comfort me with their words, but it’s not enough for me to believe that. My basket has reached its maximum capacity of bad apples.

I just feel like what I can offer to any man isn’t enough. I work hard, I’m ambitious, responsible, determined, mindful, family oriented, active, funny, etc. I don’t want to continue boasting about myself because I’m not cocky like that. But what is wrong? Aren’t those the qualities a man looks for in a woman? I can easily make friends and they stay. Why can’t it be the same in my love life? I’m so tired of the “Wrongs” and just want a nice, smart guy. Clearly that’s too much to ask for. I’m not extremely desperate for a relationship right now, but I’m ready to settle down and I don’t want to fuck around anymore. I feel like everything else in my life is coming together except that one aspect in my life. I’m not expecting the next guy to come into my life to be my husband instantly, but I definitely prefer something serious and long term. I just feel extremely unwanted by any man to want to commit to me.

As much as I’d love to meet someone, I need a break and time to myself. I’m not in the right place emotionally to be involved with anyone right now and it would be unfair to them. I’m open to meeting people, but I’d prefer to keep them at an arms length. Not like they’re going to stay anyways. I just need to protect myself because I’m so tired of getting hurt.

Maroon 5Love Somebody

With all the alone (and free) time I’ve had on my hands, I think a lot about my past relationships. I haven’t had the healthiest relationships nor have I dated the greatest guys ever. They all treated me like shit, but I allowed it so I’m partially at fault, too. When it comes down to the end of the day and no matter how productive I try to keep myself, I find myself laying in bed thinking about how much I miss having a boyfriend. Well more like what it’d be like to be in a healthy relationship. I’m a hopeless romantic at heart haha. I’ve said to a couple of friends about this before that I feel like I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be in a relationship. I’ve done my fair share of dating and meeting guys after a long term relationship, but it never went towards the next step of being monogamous. I’ve met a couple guys here since I’ve moved but we’re just friends and nothing more. They’re cool, but I instantly categorized them in the friend zone lol. Not my fault or theirs, it just happens to be like that. I’m a bit jaded and guarded.

Although a relationship isn’t a priority of mines at the moment, it doesn’t hurt to think about it. I think a lot of it has to do with the loneliness here without my family and friends here with me haha. Maybe once I’m in a much more stable place in my life I’ll feel more comfortable dating again. As for now due to a couple of other reasons that will remain disclosed, I’m just emotionally unavailable at the moment. Not trying to sound cocky or anything, but I know I’m a great woman and I have a lot to offer any man. I just have horrible luck when it comes to men. Over the years, I’ve dated different types of men. So if you ask me what’s my type, I really don’t have one. Come as you are and don’t bullshit me because if you do I’m gonna call you out on it. It’s simple as that. I’ve kept my options opened and I’ve been very open minded about men. I generally don’t ask for too much. I know what I want and I have reasonable needs, yet no one has been able to fulfill any of my needs. As I’ve gotten older, it’s gotten harder for me to be interested in someone. Once I’m interested, it’s harder to keep me interested. Perhaps I’ve gotten too picky for my own good, but I don’t think so.

Anyways, like I said before, a little daydreaming doesn’t hurt haha. One day I’ll meet that stud McMuffin haha. :p