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I’ve been pretty heads down with work lately. I’m focused on building a strategy of success for my team and how I can help in any way that I can to make things better. I’ve had the chance to meet my design idols, who’s book I was currently reading, and I’ve had great discussions with them as well. They helped me see things in a different perspective and it’s changed me in some ways in how I operate. It’s helped pave this leadership path that I am on. They were just super inspiring people that I’ve met and it has made a pretty large impact on my career. By no means am I trying to become a manager or a director. However I do see myself as an influencer…if that’s the right term to use. I’ve immersed myself in design books where it speaks a lot about leadership and whatnot, and I’m loving it. I spend 2 hours towards the end of my work day to read as much as I can. There’s just so much information that I’m trying to absorb and to take into action.

A few weeks ago my friend had this girl’s night dinner and it was fun. My design idol showed up too which left me foaming at the mouth lol. I wanted to get to know her more since she really is such an amazing person both in the design community and outside of that. Our discussions varied on so many things and oddly we can all relate to whatever was being discussed. Anyways, at the end of the night I realized how diverse this group of women are yet we were all on the same page. There were major age gaps between us, different occupations, mothers, wives, singletons, etc. It was just such a strong group of women to be around especially during that time where I felt so down about the guy, I really needed this.

I’ve thought a lot about where I’m standing now and where I was just a month ago. To some degree that cut is still open a bit and I’m still hurt. I am much better today in a sense where I’ve been able to lead and pretty much kick ass where I need to. I am proud of my efforts and my dedication in what I need to get done especially for my career and my team. I know this might happen again since I still have doubts, but I don’t ever want to be in that position again where a guy has made me feel like that. It was a lot on me and it was so draining. It has been quite some time where I had gotten that vulnerable for someone and it was just too painful for me. To even say out loud to him and even my close friends, “I like you” was a huge deal for me. It takes a lot for me to even  say that since I’m quite selective in who I even crack the door open for. He made me feel so terrible as if he slammed that door so damn hard in my face. It was too much for me. I’ve built my walls back up to shield myself because I can’t allow this to happen again. At least not right now. I am so focused and I can’t be distracted. I need time to trust again and I need to protect myself.

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I reached out to L to see how he was doing since I was genuinely concerned. He called me and basically told me he’s been talking to his ex and is trying to get back with her and intends on marrying her as well as moving back to Chicago as soon as possible. I was beyond crushed and disappointed as I listened to everything he was saying. I felt so heartbroken and refrained from crying on the phone. I just simply told him that I was really disappointed and that I wished him the best of luck since I was still in shock and at a lost for words. He thanked me for being there for him and didn’t want me to think it was a waste of my time. However, I did waste my time on someone who’s heart and mind was elsewhere. It was unfair to me.

It’s a huge deal for me to even like someone and now I just want to build my walls back up again. This isn’t the first (or second or third or forth) time I meet a guy and he ends up going back to his ex or off to someone else. It really makes me so sensitive and flawed that I can’t even sustain a relationship at all. As successful as I am, I feel like a huge failure in this department. Not only that, I strongly more than ever firmly believe that there is no good guy out there. I’m sure I’ll be told otherwise, but I really can’t see that.

I had talked to this guy a month ago very briefly and long story short, we reconnected again recently. We were both clear as to what we’re currently looking for since I didn’t want to waste my time. As we got to know each other, it was refreshing to meet someone like him. He’s intelligent, handsome, very respectful, sweet and kind. I haven’t met someone like him ever and there was something about him so charming. However as we were kicking things off, I had told him that I’d basically be busy all of September. I was busy with work and had plans, as well as traveling to Boston for 2 weeks and I’d be busy the last week of September once I got back. I felt bad but made it clear to him what my schedule was like so it didn’t make me look like a total flake.

We’ve been in touch on a daily basis and it was nice talking to someone that wants know how my day was. He’s so smart and just the way he carried himself was extremely attractive to me. It was a lot of little things that drew me closer to him. Since being in Boston, I was looking forward to spending time with him when I got back and to take a break from the text messages and phone calls. I felt connected to this guy in some ways due to similar past experiences such as moving to Cali. It was really sweet and cute how he would ask when I’m coming back. That feeling of being needed and wanted to some level felt so nice.

However, my heart sank pretty deep last night. He had mentioned about having depression at one point and that didn’t turn me off. It only wanted me to be there even more for him, to support him and to be there in anyway that I can. Last night he had texted me mentioning how he had a terrible day and was on his way to his group therapy session. I told him to reach out to me anytime if he needed to talk. Well he definitely took advantage of that. He pretty much told me he wasn’t in the right state of mind to be dating due to his depression and how severe it was getting. I felt incredibly sad for him and wishing that he’d get better. The selfish side of me was disappointed that this wasn’t gonna go anywhere and I even told him too.

It’s not his fault for this not working out but I do feel very crushed. Dating is incredibly difficult in this digital era with heavy loaded social media platforms. It’s so hard to come across any type of authenticity nowadays. I met a nice guy and unfortunately it’s not going to work out. I really do hope he gets the help that he needs and that he’ll be okay. I am genuinely concerned and told him that even though things aren’t working out for us doesn’t mean I can’t be there for him. I’ve also mentioned that if he needs his privacy I will totally back off and respect his privacy. Right now I’ve backed off to not only respect his privacy but for me to detach myself from this great guy.

Why do these bullshit things happen to me? It’s not only unfair to me, but unfair to him. I’m just really bummed out.

I’m still talking to R and things aren’t too bad, but I am allowed to keep my options opened. I recently met J and I was already kinda ‘meh’ about him. He looks like the typical Korean pretty boy that’s all put together. Even though he’s cute, I kinda sensed some cockiness and the ‘I’m too good for you’ attitude. I was already being a bit judgmental, but I gave him a chance just to get a feel for him. I was getting annoyed with J because every time we texted, he kept bugging me the shit out of me to see me. For example, J asked what I was doing for the rest of the day and I told him. Afterwards he asked if I want to meet up. From there if he wasn’t such a dumbass he’d understand that I was pretty busy from what I had just told him. Not in his case because he’s a fucking idiot.  His eagerness was just too much for me, all up in my face and I just wasn’t going to have it. Some girls might like that type of attention, but not me. I felt like there was a chihuahua all up in my face barking non stop. In general I don’t like people like that. I feel that when you’re so eager, I get a sense that you want something, you’re desperate, and just all round bad vibes.

At one point I had to tell J to chill out and you’d think he would. Negative! I had briefly ignored his text messages because he was annoying me and practically talking to himself. Today we exchanged text messages for a bit and yet again bugging the shit out of me to see me. I had enough and his lack of awareness of respecting my space. I just straight up told him that I wasn’t feeling this with him constantly asking to see me and I wasn’t into him. I told him how I’m sure he’s a nice guy and hope he meets a nice girl. I was being honest and pretty polite about it. I didn’t say anything wrong. Well you’d think for a 35 year old man he’d know how to handle his shit. Guess not. Motherfucker laughed it off and responded back with saying ‘well I didn’t want to see you that bad anyways’. Yeah…okay. What an asshole trying to make it seem like it was a loss for me and not him. I can understand why he’s single. He should be glad that I even had the decency to be honest with him than to ignore him like most people would. I’m just glad he’s out of the picture. It made me realize that maybe R isn’t that bad after all. We’ll see.

I started thinking about the guys that I’ve met and dated. The guys that I’ve met either: wants to get in my pants thinking I have “fuck me now” written on my forehead, desperately wants to get wifed up and planning things in advanced for “us”, or they’re boring as fuck with no substance even if they’re smart with what they do in their professions. Can someone tell me why men are bitches? Unfortunately, I feel like a lot of men in Cali are like this. I have to admit I miss dating guys from the East Coast. It’s a HUGE contrast. They at least give me something to work with, but not here AT ALL. With what the guys here want compared to my wants are at total opposite ends. The more I try to be open minded with guys, the more irritable I get. It would be nice to meet someone KH. Giving me that witty banter that I love and is so entertained by yet sweet at the right times when I needed him to be.

But for real, why are men bitches? So annoying and frustrating.

R and I started talking back in April. He is a year younger than me and that’s usually not my cup of tea. I didn’t want to be such an ageist and gave him a chance. Based on our conversations, you can tell he was young and I started feeling iffy about him. As we got to know each other things were getting a bit better until…he pissed me off haha. I just felt like he was up to the hit it and quit it kinda shit with me and I wasn’t down with that. I’m just over fucking around and I don’t have the tolerance for that anymore. I said something to him about it and he just laughed it off, so I stopped talking to him. He continued texting me a few times and I would just ignore his messages. It became entertaining for me to see his pathetic text messages.

Now we’re in late July and R hit me up out of nowhere. We haven’t spoken since May. While I was at work I saw a text message from him asking me how my new job is. I ignored the message for 2 days because I didn’t care enough to reply. I told my close friend KH about R and she thinks I’m being mean. KH and I talked about R and I did some thinking. So yesterday after work when I got home, I replied to him. Of course he replied immediately after I had hit ‘send’.

We were catching up and it wasn’t so bad, but then we had a pretty open conversation. I really wanted to know what his intentions were for even hitting me up. I told him how I was a bit interested in him until he was behaving like an ass and I wasn’t going to have any of that bullshit. He apologized and said that wasn’t his intention. Blah blah blah. After our conversation he asked what did I want to do and where do we go from here. Honestly I felt a bit whatever, but I saw no harm in starting over with him. I wasn’t mad about what had happened between us in the past and holding a grudge against him. But it’s going to take a lot for me to be as interested as I used to be in him. I’m kinda glad to be starting fresh with him yet oddly enough I feel anxious and nervous. I’m scared that I’ll actually really like him and I’m scared of getting hurt and rejected.

I guess we’ll see how things go.

Last month I was talking to this guy R. I was a bit iffy about him because he is a year younger than me. Not a drastic age gap at all, but I’ve always had a thing with not dating someone my age or younger. In the past I’ve dated 2 guys that were younger than me, and yeah…no bueno! So when R came along I wasn’t that thrilled but gave him a chance instead of being this “ageist”. Conversations were as expected from talking to someone younger than me, but gradually things got a little bit better as we got to know each other. He went from a 2 to a 5 on my scale out of 10.

With the craziness at work and I really hate to use the “work card” as an excuse, but for real I had a lot on my plate. I valued my sleep more than talking to R lol. I know it sounds mean but if you don’t want me to be grumpy and mean, then let a girl catch a break and rest. Our conversations were getting really boring anyways. Constantly asking me the same shit on a different day. I just didn’t want to participate in that kind of conversation if you already know the answer, ya know? Our schedules conflicted as well, which made it hard for us to hang out. Over that brief phase I was getting bored with R and got totally turned off by something that he said, which definitely added to my lack of interest in him.

I said something back to him and he just took it as a joke. At that moment, I started ignoring his text messages. Laugh at that fucker. I don’t play like that. He followed up with a text message after trying to laugh the conversation off. From my end, no response. The next day another message. Nothing from me. Then another day. Still nothing from me. Then YET AGAIN another day, still the same shit. You’re clearly an idiot if you’re not getting the picture already. I was very straight forward in my last response to him before I started ignoring him. It just became so laughable how he kept texting me everyday and practically talking to himself. Honestly, I don’t give a fuck.

I told my close girlfriend about this and she thought I was being mean and to give this guy a chance because he could be a “good guy”. I disagreed. If he wasn’t being a jackass and was more mature, I wouldn’t be this way so too bad haha. I explained to her how he could potentially be a good guy for me, but I don’t have the time to deal with someone else’s emotions. Shit, I can barely get a grip onto mines with the stress that I’ve been dealing with. At a point before I started ignoring him, I did feel like I was stringing him along and I felt bad. For what? I honestly don’t know. Maybe to have some company because things has been so hard for me and it’s been lonely dealing with it all on my own. Maybe I just needed someone to talk to that wasn’t just one of my friends. Whatever it was, I’m okay with ending communications with R. I was actually going to bring this up to him when we last talked, but too late.

I don’t feel like this was a loss for me at all, but when I’m being firm about something don’t take it lightly. I just really don’t play that bullshit.

I’ve been pretty upset for the past 2 days. Bad timing for me to even feel this way since I am absolutely slammed with work this weekend. Have you ever wished for things to just work out and you don’t want to talk about it out loud or as much because you’re afraid you’ll jinx yourself? It’s how I feel right now. Perhaps I’m overthinking it all, but I can’t help it. I tried to not think about it as much but I just started to feel even more anxious by the minute. I confided in friends for their opinions, but that only made me feel a tiny bit better. The longer I had bottled up all of my thoughts and emotions inside yesterday, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I had decided to get out for my own sanity sake, which only resulted in me crying.

As I was about to park my car I had a total melt down. I started crying so hysterically in my car, my face into my palms and wondering what was wrong with me. I am being hard on myself and I am so vulnerable right now. Sitting in my car for awhile last night and crying was the absolute worst feeling I’ve dealt with in awhile. I felt so alone in that moment thinking about everything. I thought about how I’m in my late 20s, soon to approach my 30s and haven’t been able to maintain a solid relationship in awhile. When I said those things to my friend she had totally understood how I felt and why I could be overthinking. I’m not forcing anything to happen. I’ve been allowing things to fall into its own place, but why can’t that one aspect in my life come together? This is probably why I try to drown myself in my work so I can protect myself from feeling this way.

I had gone to bed early last night just wanting to sleep off all of these emotions, but that didn’t really help. I dragged myself out this morning so I can get work done, but it’s been hard to focus. I need to pull myself out of my emotions and snap out of this shit. I just can’t help but to think about myself crying in my car last night. It’s something that should never happen to anyone.

Tomorrow will be a better day.