Boston Recap

I just got back from Boston on Thanksgiving night. It was such an exhausting day since I was practically traveling all day. I was there for 2 weeks and was considering on even extending my trip, but unfortunately I have to be a responsible adult and return back to Cali. Oddly every time when I go back it feels like I never left. This is my second time where I’ve stayed for 2 weeks and I felt like I either never moved or I was back for a month. I really miss it a lot. During the last 2-3 days of my trip I tend to get pretty emotional since I know how homesick I’ll be when I go back to Cali.

On my way to the airport I got teary eyed a bit as I stared out the window aimlessly listening to music. When I finally got to the airport and checked in and all, I went to have a few drinks since I had too much time to kill before my flight. I didn’t want to be emotional about leaving along with a few other things, but I couldn’t help it. So I just kept drinking to numb these thoughts. After boarding and the plane taking off, the tears started streaming. I probably sound like a drunk mess, but I promise I was fine lol. I get the most upset whenever the plane takes off because I’m really sad to leave Boston.

I’m happy I got to see my friends and to catch up like old times. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to do as much nor see that many people since I’m still dealing with sciatica. It’s gradually getting better but I was really scared to go off anywhere by myself and the thought of falling without anyone with me freaked me out a lot. So I just stuck with my plans rather than doing my usual roaming around the city. Pretty bummed out that I couldn’t do certain things, but there’s always next time. Also, I dealt with a cold while I was there since I wasn’t getting much sleep after long nights with friends, which kinda screwed up some of my plans.

M’s annual Thanksgiving pot luck was alright. A much smaller group this year and strangely there was a lot of girls attending this year. Usually it’s a much larger group and we’re a lot louder, but this year was much more low key. I was excited to hear from B and that he was going to be coming. When B had arrived my friends made me go get the door for him as they changed seats while I was gone so I could sit next to him and for them to be able to tease me some more about him lol. Asshole friends haha. B seemed a bit bored during this event and so I had extended an invite to him to join my close friend J and I for drinks the next night. I was pretty glad he came along and no not because I have a crush on him. Just the more, the merrier.

Came Monday was when I woke up with a cold. I immediately cancelled plans with another friend. Felt bad but I really wasn’t up for it and plus I was working remotely. I just felt so out of it. That day B and I were suppose to hang out but plans were still up in the air. As I was working remotely at M’s place in my pj’s, out of nowhere B shows up at the door. I was a bit embarrassed since I wasn’t dressed and looked like a hot mess lol. When I opened the door, I was greeted with a hug and he delivered me some milk tea which was very sweet of him. We were just chatting and then he had asked about my sciatica. I told him it’s gradually getting better but my leg and back still hurts. Soon he reveals that he got licensed to be a masseuse in Japan lol. I was like wtf?? lol. Next thing you know he was just touching my ENTIRE leg (I was wearing shorts, too) where no man’s hand should go that far unless you’re my boyfriend lol. I felt so embarrassed and was so happy that M and her hubby was at work lol. I could imagine all the shit they’d give me if they were around. Anyways, I appreciated the massage and my leg was feeling a little bit better. I got an offer for a back massage but told him he’s done enough lol and I didn’t feel comfortable with him touching me that much. Talk about copping some feels lol. But my friends were entertained by this story sighs haha…

Eventually I made my way to my parents house. I have to say I wasn’t really spending that much while I was with my friends, but when I got to my parents I swear they were gonna leave me going back to Cali broke haha. Since I’m at a semi-stable job, it was nice that I was able to splurge on them. One day we went to visit my grandma and prior to visiting her I took my mom grocery shopping at the Asian market. Where my folks live there are no Asian markets so whenever I’m back my mom takes advantage of it mainly buying ingredients to make herbal soups. I was hoping she wouldn’t fight me on paying for the overfilled cart of groceries and luckily she got distracted and was able to quickly pay. Next day I had to take my dad to renew his license since he speaks pretty broken English. Paid for that and bought him a new pair of shoes. Another night treated them to hot pot dinner and helped them buy some stuff for their business. Talk about spoiled, but I’m really happy I am financially able to do this for them. They appreciate it and feel less worried about me since I am able to provide for them again like I used to be able to when I was living back Boston.

Overall, it was a good trip despite a few bumps in the road. When I woke up the next day after coming back to Cali, I really felt like I never went to Boston. It’s really strange. I’m not sure as to when I’ll be going back since I’ve made quite a few trips going back this past year. We shall see, but I miss everyone so much.

Back to my quiet, workaholic life…

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Year Two

Today marks my second year living in Cali. Has two years really flown by that I’ve moved here? It’s strange. I still feel like it’s my first year living here. Although my first year was a bit of a nightmare. I have to say year two has done me well. Of course over a period of time it takes things for the dust to settle. Looking back to where I was last year and now, there’s a big difference. I’m in a much better place emotionally than before. I remember how often I cried a year ago and it was very hard on me. Now I’m really enjoying the ride. I’m at a job where I’ve progressed in my career. I’ve accomplished what I wanted to in my career as well. Most importantly I’ve finally found a boss that respects me and values my opinions and for me to be a part of a team that works so cohesively together. That’s the most important thing to me. The paycheck is just a bonus. It’s an awesome feeling knowing how hard I’ve worked to be where I’m currently at.

Whenever I share my story about my move from Boston to Cali, the passion and determination that I have about my career, and to gradually rise to where I want to be people are impressed. I get complimented with being told how brave and ambitious I am. More importantly the respect I get for my hard work and the decisions I had to make to get to where I’m at. That has been very rewarding. I don’t fuck around with it comes to my work. My boss is well aware of it, too. I remember during my phone interview when I had shared with him the story about my move and how I legit up and left, he was ready to hire me because of what I did. It was nice to get applauded by my own boss for doing something scary yet fulfilling. My family and friends over the years has seen me succeed and struggle in my career. But for my current boss and awesome team that I work with to understand my passion and ambition is great. They’ve seen me get teary eyed when things went wrong, or when my ass is tired from the commute but still able to deliver great design and whatnot. When you can witness that side of me, you’ll get a better idea as to who I am. I pull through because I’m very strong willed and determined.

As for my social life, it has improved a bit. I’ve learned that friendships with Californians are practically non-existent. Why you ask? Because they’re all flakey as fuck and hold no loyalty to their friendships. I’m not about that. When I say I’m down for whatever, you best believe that I am. Plus I actually give a fuck about people that I consider my friends. Cali folks are just plain wack. No fucks given if you’re offended or not. It’s the truth. Anyways, it’s been nice reconnecting with my friend from Boston that also moved to Cali during the past couple of months. She understands a lot of the things I’ve dealt with, especially the people. It’s just nice to have someone here to exchange our experiences with each other. She’s exposed me to a few other Boston transplants that she knows, which has been great. I have an even better time with these people because we just understand each other.

Regardless of how long I decide to stay here, Cali will forever be a big transition to me. It’s still hard for me, but things has gotten better. Although my career goals has been accomplished, I hope other aspects of my life will improve as well. I can only hope for the better but all in all things will fall into its place itself. I haven’t forced anything to really happen in my life besides my career. Things aren’t the greatest to my standards, but it isn’t horrible. I’m somehow still on this journey and riding things out. Boston will forever be home to me and I will continue to consider this a long business trip. For now, I’m ready for what else is going to come my way.

Homesick

I’m currently back in the east coast visiting my parents. This was an unexpected and quick trip for me. I didn’t really inform any of my friends since I planned on devoting a lot of my time to my parents. The last time I had came back to visit I was drifting in all different directions to make time for friends and of course for my parents. But I just really wanted to give them all of my time and attention when I came back. However I did have to crash at a close friend’s place since I felt like I was on the never ending plane ride. I had two long layovers, bounced from 3 planes and the last thing that I wanted to do was to get on an hour long bus ride from the airport to my parents.

It was nice to have a break to linger around Boston by myself for a bit before my friend got home for me to rest. First thing I realized was how much I do NOT miss the humidity. I’d much rather come back when it’s the fall or winter. I’ve gotten too use to that dry heat in the west coast. I headed straight to Chinatown once I got out of the airport. I took a little stroll and was just kind of taking everything in. I found it hard to believe I was here in the old stomping grounds. I was reminiscing a lot and felt very overwhelmed with emotions. This trip was definitely much needed and I was glad I came back. I gradually made way to my favorite childhood hole in the wall joint: Wai Wai!! Haha. If you don’t know about Wai Wai then you’re missing out. It’s hands down the most BOMB rice plate I’ve had since I was little. My dad used to get me a rice plate to go and we’d go to the barber shop next door so he can get his cut and chill with his friends. Anyways, I immediately knew what to get. I got the chicken with scallion ginger sauce, which is what they’re mostly known for and I also got roasted duck and roasted pork. I must’ve been really hungry because I inhaled all of that food so quickly. The same lady that has run the place for years is usually known to be a little mean and standoffish, but towards the end of my meal and after I paid she actually smiled at me and said thank you lol. I was taken back by that.

After my meal I decided to check out Cafe Nero since it was just down the street in Downtown Boston. I needed fresh air, coffee and I had to check my work e-mail since I did tell my boss that I was going to be working remotely. I ordered a vanilla latte and found a seat outside. I was really hoping to be a bit incognito during my visit to Boston, but that didn’t last long. I ran into a familiar face and did some quick catching up. So much for not having anyone know that I was back in town. Boston is really too small for its own good haha. I had to end the conversation with my friend since my close friend told me she was home from work. I was ready to just drop off my luggage and lay down. Plus, the vanilla latte was shitty so I was ready to leave Cafe Nero ASAP! I was so happy to enjoy the air conditioning on the train. I felt so gross from flying and the damn humidity. During the train ride to my friend’s place, I felt so relaxed. It’s been awhile since I’ve been on public transportation since living in Cali has made me heavily dependent on my car. That’s just the major downside of living in Cali.

When I arrived to my friend’s, I had freshened up and we went to the Museum of Fine Arts. Prior to my trip home I wanted to see what exhibits were currently up at the MFA. I was extremely excited to see the Hokusai exhibit at the MFA and included that as a part of my agenda. My friend lives close by so it wasn’t like it was out of my way especially staying at her place. I’ll have to write another post on that exhibit since I took lots of photos, but if you’re in the Boston area I highly suggest it. It was such a beautiful exhibit. After all of that museum fun, I finally got to lay down and relax before another friend would meet up with us for dinner. I had requested that we eat hot pot for dinner, but I was bummed out that we didn’t get to go to where I wanted to, which was okay. They had taken me to this relatively new hot pot restaurant called Asiana Sushi Shabu. They basically serve all you can eat hot pot and sushi. I passed on the sushi since I do prefer the sushi in Cali better than Boston. This place just reminded me of an upgraded version of Hot Pot Buffet in Chinatown. It was alright, but I definitely left feeling stuffed. It was really nice to see my friends before I went off to my parents the next day.

The next morning I was Cape Cod bound and damn I was extremely tired. It was not fun being squished in the train during the morning rush hour, but I oddly once again I do miss public transportation and those little things that comes along with it. As soon as I reached my destination, my dad had picked me up from the bus station. The old man was just too excited to see me, but I am daddy’s little girl after all haha. Prior to my bus ride I had made a stop to Chinatown to pick up from buns for my parents and their employees. Figured they’d want something to go with their morning coffee. My dad and I made a pit stop to their business, where I was not only able to drop off the baked goods, but I got to see my mom as well. I gave her a big hug when I saw her. I felt really safe again to have my mom’s arms around me and it was nice. Throughout my trip here it wasn’t that exciting. I mainly worked remotely, spent time with my parents and stayed home since I was carless. When I got to my parents house I was welcomed by a big pot of tong yuen, which is basically this Chinese dough ball soup. My mom throws in some mushrooms, Chinese sausage, daikon, cilantro and her homemade shrimp balls. I definitely miss mom’s home cooking!! I enjoyed sitting down at the dinner table with my parents. Since my parents live in Cape Cod and there’s an abundance of seafood in the community, my mom cooked up some freshly caught local clams and lobster. It was fricken AMAZING!!! After dinner I’d either join my mom or dad in our little one on one hangout. One night I was laying in bed with my mom watching these video blogs on Youtube. She enjoys watching the SacconeJolys as much as I do and that has now become our thing. Another night I was helping my dad in the garage with a new shelf he built. The next night I watched him do his nightly routine of playing the erhu while he listens to Chinese opera. These little moments meant a lot to me and it was very comforting.

Ever since last night while I was watching my dad play his erhu I got really sad. I knew my time would go by so fast as if I was never here. I’ve just been in this funk all day because this is the last time I’ll be in this household where it’s just myself and my parents. I also have lunch plans with friends tomorrow before I go to the airport and I know I’m going to be a cry baby. I was hesitant on following through with the lunch plans with my friends because I’m horrible at saying goodbye. I know the moment I see them up until the moment we hug and part ways, the waterworks is going to kick into overdrive. Whenever my parents or friends hug me, I get so sad because I feel like they’re all protecting and comforting me. I’m very lonely in Cali and to come back to Boston to an abundance of open arms and good people in my life is hard to leave. I know the last time when I had left and got onto the bus to head to the airport, I legit cried from the moment I got onto the bus and all the way back to Cali. That’s how upset I was. I can sense it happening already. I would prefer not to see anyone on the morning I leave to the airport just to make leaving a lot easier on me. This is how I’ll always be and there’s nothing wrong with that. I just love this city so much along with all of my family and friends here. I know the moment I get back to Cali I’ll be really homesick and in a funk. I’ve already braced myself for this. Hopefully one day I’ll overcome this and get better at saying goodbye. For now I don’t mind being the big cry baby amongst my group of friends. They’re all too good to me and I wish I can take them all with me.

West Coast Bound

Bye bye Boston

Finally back in Cali as of last night. It was an extremely long day of traveling. I was so tired when I got home and started feeling really sick. All I wanted to do as soon as I got home was to unpack, shower and go to sleep. Luckily I did my laundry before I left my parent’s house, which saves me the time from doing it back in Cali. I quickly unpacked and put everything in its place so I didn’t have to deal with it today when I get home from work. Smart move on my end. I woke up feeling sick but told myself I have to drag my ass out of bed and into the office. If I worked from home I’d probably be all mopey and sad about being homesick.

Saturday night I had a really hard time sleeping that when I woke up Sunday morning to get ready for my flight I felt like crap. There was a really strange mood around the house as I was getting ready Sunday morning. My dad was really unhappy as well as my mom, but I think my dad took it harder. I remember Saturday night when he sat there watching tv, he stared aimlessly at the tv telling me his chest really hurts because I’m leaving. I felt horrible when he said that to me. I just put on that tough front and told him he’ll be okay and I tried joking around with him. But even then I’m pretty sure he caught on that I was having a hard time hearing those words. On Sunday morning when my parents were driving me to the bus station, it was a very silent car ride. I sat in the back seat noticing my dad’s eyes getting red and watery. He then told me he felt like crying and once again I put on that tough front. I tried not to look into that mirror where I could see his eyes. I either was looking down at my phone or out the window. I tried my hardest to not cry and to continue being strong.

Soon we arrived to the bus station where my parents sat with me waiting for my bus to arrive which was to bring me to the airport. I tried to strike a much more optimistic conversation to lighten up the mood and that helped a bit. Once my bus arrived, I gave my parents a hug and walked onto the bus. I opted for a seat by the window that wasn’t facing them so they wouldn’t see me crying. As soon as I got on the bus I stared out the window silently crying wishing that I didn’t have to go back to Cali. I felt horrible to go back to Cali making my parents feel sad. I know it’s not really my fault, but I can’t help but feel guilty. Throughout my entire trip home I cried silently. I remember every moment at the airport in Boston I felt so unhappy and emotional. The moment the plane took off I felt so heartbroken to leave my home again. The closer I got to Cali I felt worst. I had a stop in Milwaukee, Phoenix and then finally San Jose. When we landed in San Jose I felt the sadness kick into overdrive. I felt so uncomfortable around the surroundings I’ve grown accustomed to during the past year I’ve lived here. I hated everything; from the streets to the people. It was and will never be anything like Boston.

Today is my first day back in the office. I feel okay again to be around my coworkers who welcomed me with opened arms. I guess my work is my safety net out here. That is essentially why I’m even in Cali. This morning when I woke up I felt like I woke up from a long dream of being in Boston. It doesn’t even feel like I ever went back. It’s so strange. I felt so happy again to see my coworkers. Yet once I’m out of the office and back to my place, my mood changes to hating everything again. I become so hateful of everything because of the malicious people I’ve crossed paths with out here. I blame them for making me feel this way and making me fear to come back to this shit hole west coast. One day I’ll go back home for good. For now I have to continue doing what I’m doing. Like my friends have been saying to me, just do what you have to do and then come back.

Goodbye Home

Tomorrow I’ll be leaving Boston and heading back to Cali. I’ve been so spoiled with great times with my family and friends during my time here. I’m dreading the thought of having to finish packing and going back to Cali. I realized how much I really hate it there. I’m an East Coast girl at heart and I just find it even harder to adjust this time around once I get back. Boston is my home and all my loved ones are here. The other night was my last night hanging out with friends. We went to my usual yet once upon a time favorite bar. Got to see a lot of old faces and there were quite a few surprise faces that came out that night. My friends managed to get me drunk, which is an obligated duty of theirs before you’re gonna send me off back to Cali haha. But they also managed to make me cry.

Throughout the night a few friends were saying really nice things to me such as how they’re so proud of me for doing what I’m doing out there, how I’m a really good person and etc. I was so overwhelmed with the overload of love and support that I started crying. It still makes me tear up as I’m writing this blog entry. They comforted me as I’m burying my face into my hands sobbing and told them how much I don’t want to go back. I told them how scared I was to go back to Cali to the loneliness that I deal with on a daily basis. When you’re so alone every day with no one else but yourself, it has a really big effect on you.

Thinking about having dinner by myself, finding weekend activities to do by myself, remembering how mean and nasty people were to me in Cali, to not be there for my family and friends when we both need each other the most, and etc. … it does a huge number on you. Cali has made me so vulnerable and emotional and I try to not let my family or friends know too much about it because I don’t want them to worry. Everyone understands as to why I’m staying in Cali and I know from afar they’ll continue to support me. I had a feeling I was going to feel like this since it’s my first time visiting home in over a year since I’ve moved. It reminds me of how upset I was when I left a year ago. I sobbed like a baby but I don’t care. I felt so comforted to be surrounded by good friends as they tried to make me stop crying. I left my heart in this city with full of great people. Home is where the heart is and going back to Cali will never be the same. I’m just really homesick and always will be.

Despite how unhappy I am to go back, there were lots of fun highlights of my trip here:

– Annual Thanksgiving Potluck hosted by my close friend and I was the surprise guest

– Celtics vs. Portland Trail Blazers: Unfortunately we lost and it was a semi close game, but at least it was my first time to get on the jumbotron which was awesome lol

– Ate lots of yummy food in Boston. Went to some old favorite places as well as trying a few new places

– Taking the train and walked around Newbury Street and Boylston Street and realizing how beautiful the architecture and the city is

– Bar hopped with good friends and hookah lounge

– Got to see my dog 🙂

– Got asked to be my close friend’s bridesmaid!

– Watched “Theory of Everything” which was a really good movie. Must see!!

– Went to my once old favorite bar and had a blast with friends

– Confessed my love LOL. In reference to my previous post “Missed Opportunity”. Yes, I told my friend and it’s finally off my chest

– Unexpected plans with an ex-boyfriend who is still a good friend of mines. While we hung out it reminded me of how we were when we were younger and for whatever reason I feel like it’ll always be like that with him and I when we see each other.

– Hung out with yet another old flame. That was interesting lol

– Went to visit my 93 year old grandmother who raised me when I was younger. She’s so cute but doesn’t really recognize me which makes me sad but I understand

 

Overall it was a great trip and I got to see a lot of faces that I wanted to see. There were a few that I wasn’t able to see, but there will be a next time. 🙂

Missed Opportunity

As much as I don’t want to sound corny by saying this, but time is really just a precious thing that can’t be wasted. I feel as if I’ve wasted a lot of time and let a lot of it go by without getting one thing off of my chest with a friend of mines. We’ve been close friends for the past 14 years and there was one thing I could never speak up about. My feelings for him. I feared the end of a great friendship and I couldn’t handle losing that friendship. He is hands down a genuinely great guy and unfortunately on his end he keeps finishing last. Mutual friends of ours all know how nice he is and thinks that he is a great guy as well. Another reason as to why I never spoke up was that I felt like he was too good for me and I’m not saying it as if I’m insecure. I feel as if I would taint him and be a bad influence lol, but I always felt like he deserved to be with someone that was just as great as himself. Over the years I kept telling myself to build up the courage to say something but never did. I’m generally pretty open and will speak up, but whenever it came to him it was different. He was that one guy I was always so delicate with because he truly is such a good person. I never treated any other guy this way in my life even up until now. I’m very blunt and straight forward with the guys I’ve dated in the past. Every time we have made plans to hang out I would try to bring it up, but nothing comes out. I just choke up feeling stupid. I end up going home feeling foolish for not saying anything and continue telling myself “next time”.

The one moment I won’t ever forget was when he went to prom with me. At the time I was dating someone else and that guy wasn’t able to go with me. I saw no harm in asking him to go with me since we were (and always) just friends. He said yes and had told me he wanted to ask me to go with him to his but his friend had asked him before he could get to me. Anyways, we had a great time at my prom although he wasn’t feeling so well that night. I remember my friends and I all changed out of our prom attire and into our casual clothing. Once we were getting dropped off at the after prom party and all my friends had quickly gotten out of the limo, I noticed it was just him and I walking towards the venue. I was pretty quiet and still a bit shy during this phase in my life. I was only like 16 or 17 at the time. We didn’t say anything but slowly walked with our hands kinda bumping into each others. Finally his hand latched onto mines and we walked hand in hand towards the after prom party. I got even more shy and nervous, but I felt guilty because I was seeing someone at the time. At that moment I wished time was on my side since we were both in the right place. The moment we got to the doors, I let go and acted as if nothing happened. After that fun night, we never spoke of that hand holding session.

Now since I’m still in town visiting, I had asked him out to dinner. I figured I might as well tell him in person now since it’s not like I fly back often. I felt better telling him face to face rather than over the phone or text. Why now am I choosing to tell him? Because I really need to get it off of my chest. I’m not hoping for anything to happen since I no longer live in Boston nor are the feelings there. I obviously do really care for him since we have known each other for so long and I’ll always care in that sense. Yet perhaps it’s just good to let him know since he is quiet and shy and won’t possibly ever mention it. Maybe we both have lingering questions and thoughts as to “what if” anything happened between us. Unfortunately I got the short end of the stick and was informed that he was sick so our plans got cancelled. I was kinda bummed out since it has been quite some time since I’ve seen him. I really wanted to catch up and to see how he was doing. All day I’ve been in this weird mood. Years later and another missed opportunity. I sometimes feel that when moments like this occurs, it’s just a sign. Perhaps the timing is right, but we’re both not in the right places. Who knows?

One day though…

Thanksgiving 2014

It’s been about a week since I’ve been back in Boston now. Today is of course Thanksgiving. As much as I should be happy to be here, I feel like I hate Thanksgiving more than usual. I’m partially mad at my family for leaving me home alone on Thanksgiving. I feel like a fool to even be here in hopes I’d be able to sit down with my family and have a nice meal. Nope. I am angry and a bit bitter. I absolutely hate the holidays because my family will always leave me to tend to their own needs. Perhaps this is the first and last time I consider coming home for Thanksgiving. I’m relieved I didn’t book tickets to come back for Christmas because I’m sure this shit is going to happen again. This is why I fucking hate the holidays. I could’ve just stayed home alone back in Cali than to fly all the way over here to do the same shit. I was so pissed that I was ready to change my flight to go back to Cali because what’s the point in me being here if you don’t even spend any time with me? At least I was able to have a nice Thanksgiving potluck dinner with my friends…

 

Fuck the holidays.