Discouraged

I reached out to L to see how he was doing since I was genuinely concerned. He called me and basically told me he’s been talking to his ex and is trying to get back with her and intends on marrying her as well as moving back to Chicago as soon as possible. I was beyond crushed and disappointed as I listened to everything he was saying. I felt so heartbroken and refrained from crying on the phone. I just simply told him that I was really disappointed and that I wished him the best of luck since I was still in shock and at a lost for words. He thanked me for being there for him and didn’t want me to think it was a waste of my time. However, I did waste my time on someone who’s heart and mind was elsewhere. It was unfair to me.

It’s a huge deal for me to even like someone and now I just want to build my walls back up again. This isn’t the first (or second or third or forth) time I meet a guy and he ends up going back to his ex or off to someone else. It really makes me so sensitive and flawed that I can’t even sustain a relationship at all. As successful as I am, I feel like a huge failure in this department. Not only that, I strongly more than ever firmly believe that there is no good guy out there. I’m sure I’ll be told otherwise, but I really can’t see that.

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Semi Bad Yet Weird Dreams

For the past week I’ve had some really strange dreams and I wake up thinking “wtf?”. I had a dream about L, the guy that I was bummed out about. He somehow lived really close to me…close like he was living on the other side of the house. We were hanging out and he was very warm towards but somehow he started disappearing and was cold towards me when he appeared. Weird…I have distanced myself from L since I want to respect his privacy but I’ve been thinking about him a lot. It really sucks how things turned out and I’m still a bit upset about it. I just really hope he’s okay. In a weird way since coming back from Boston, I felt as if there was nothing between us and that we never met. It’s really weird…

Another weird dream but more along a bad dream was with some shitty people that I had met in the past and it took place at a wedding. Everyone was really mean to me and got violent towards me where I ran away and hid. WTF…I know. No idea where that shit is even coming from haha but yeah…

I’ve had a couple other weird ones and I don’t even know how to really describe those dreams. I just feel weird and confused.

Distorted

I generally visit Boston for a minimum of one week and maximum of 2 weeks. Every time I visit I feel as if I’ve been visiting home for awhile, but this time I feel as if I’ve been back for MONTHS. Also, this time around I had a bit of eagerness to leave and despite a few bumps during my visit home, I really missed the privacy and peace and quiet I have back here in Cali. However, no matter how short/long my stay is I will always get emotional and teary eyed whenever the plane is taking off to go back to Cali. I think I feel that way because it’s a sense of reality knowing how far I am about to be from my family and friends. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away when that plane takes off. When I arrive back in Cali, I always feel as if I didn’t even leave…if that makes any sense. As soon as I get back to my place, I unpack and head to bed. The next morning when I wake up in my bedroom here in Cali, I feel as if going to Boston was all a dream as if I never went back at all. Also I think not seeing my suitcase and putting all my things away the night before tricks my mind in thinking that I didn’t go anywhere. My sense of reality seems a bit distorted to some degree when it comes to traveling to and from Boston.

Right now, I’m a bit homesick but I need to get back into the swing of things here.

Suddenly Disappointed

I had talked to this guy a month ago very briefly and long story short, we reconnected again recently. We were both clear as to what we’re currently looking for since I didn’t want to waste my time. As we got to know each other, it was refreshing to meet someone like him. He’s intelligent, handsome, very respectful, sweet and kind. I haven’t met someone like him ever and there was something about him so charming. However as we were kicking things off, I had told him that I’d basically be busy all of September. I was busy with work and had plans, as well as traveling to Boston for 2 weeks and I’d be busy the last week of September once I got back. I felt bad but made it clear to him what my schedule was like so it didn’t make me look like a total flake.

We’ve been in touch on a daily basis and it was nice talking to someone that wants know how my day was. He’s so smart and just the way he carried himself was extremely attractive to me. It was a lot of little things that drew me closer to him. Since being in Boston, I was looking forward to spending time with him when I got back and to take a break from the text messages and phone calls. I felt connected to this guy in some ways due to similar past experiences such as moving to Cali. It was really sweet and cute how he would ask when I’m coming back. That feeling of being needed and wanted to some level felt so nice.

However, my heart sank pretty deep last night. He had mentioned about having depression at one point and that didn’t turn me off. It only wanted me to be there even more for him, to support him and to be there in anyway that I can. Last night he had texted me mentioning how he had a terrible day and was on his way to his group therapy session. I told him to reach out to me anytime if he needed to talk. Well he definitely took advantage of that. He pretty much told me he wasn’t in the right state of mind to be dating due to his depression and how severe it was getting. I felt incredibly sad for him and wishing that he’d get better. The selfish side of me was disappointed that this wasn’t gonna go anywhere and I even told him too.

It’s not his fault for this not working out but I do feel very crushed. Dating is incredibly difficult in this digital era with heavy loaded social media platforms. It’s so hard to come across any type of authenticity nowadays. I met a nice guy and unfortunately it’s not going to work out. I really do hope he gets the help that he needs and that he’ll be okay. I am genuinely concerned and told him that even though things aren’t working out for us doesn’t mean I can’t be there for him. I’ve also mentioned that if he needs his privacy I will totally back off and respect his privacy. Right now I’ve backed off to not only respect his privacy but for me to detach myself from this great guy.

Why do these bullshit things happen to me? It’s not only unfair to me, but unfair to him. I’m just really bummed out.

Disconnected

Since being back home in Boston and catching up with friends, I’ve honestly felt more disconnected than ever with my friends here. My priorities compared to theirs is entirely different and that’s totally fine. Doesn’t makes mines better than theirs and vice versa. They’re so focused on marriage and buying a home, whereas my focus is my career, health and travel. I’m happy for my friends and what they’re doing but I kinda feel that my priorities are frowned upon especially my career. I had dinner with a few friends last week. L asked J if his fiancee will change her last name when they get married and he gave a very firm yes. I jumped into the conversation with saying “I will never change my last name for anyone. I don’t give a fuck who you are.” and then J kinda looked at me like “why??”. I said “I worked very hard in my career and my name is a huge part of my identity as I’m building a reputation for myself in this design community”. Cue the eye rolling… Once again I had to justify my reasoning. I told them that I don’t view work just as a paycheck to collect. I actually give a fuck about the work I do and how much I want to aspire for more in my career. Cue another eye roll followed by head shaking. Tell me WHY the fuck it’s such a terrible thing that I care about my career so much and that unfortunately I don’t have a significant other in my life to care for?? I’m very proud of how independent I am not only in a career aspect but as an overall whole. I’ve done a lot for myself and I don’t see anything wrong with that.

Yesterday I had lunch with M and was telling her about that conversation and I think she misunderstood me. She got very honest with me and told me how I’ve changed since I had mentioned how everyone is changing (which isn’t a bad thing) as well as myself. She told me I’m much more confident and I talk about myself a lot. I gave her this look of confusion, like “uhh, bitch what are you talking about?” when she said I talk about myself a lot. She meant that I talk a lot about myself in terms of my accomplishments. I thought about it and I don’t think I “brag” by any means of what I’ve accomplished in my career or how I moved to Cali. However, I am pretty damn proud of myself for what I’ve done on my own without having to rely on anyone. My friends here have their significant others to celebrate their accomplishments with. For me, I treat myself to a nice dinner or something. I don’t physically have someone to be there to cheer me on, so if I talk about my shit a lot it’s because I’m constantly alone. Not my fault. I’m not mad at M or anything for being honest with me, but her mentioning this just irked me a bit.

Besides a sense of being disconnected with friends here, this city has gotten even more gentrified to the core. I’ve noticed it prior to moving away and it was disappointing to me. I had met up with friends who live near where I grew up and it killed me when I saw how gentrified this one area I used to hang out at. I kinda freaked out and I felt really sad. It was really hard for me to absorb and I’m still in shock about it. I had a chance to drive by the street where I grew up and there were even more new things near it and my heart just broke. This is A LOT of change for me to take in with the bit of disconnect that I’m currently having with my friends and now the gentrification galore throughout the city. Ugh. I kinda feel like I’m not how to handle all of this besides hoping this trip ends even quicker so I can just go back to my daily routine in Cali: work and gym.

It just doesn’t make me feel any happier to be back here and I’d rather be back in Cali alone at my place.

Heart Beats

Recently I’ve just noticed a few notifications on my phone and it was about him. I tried to not think too much into it and when it happened again a couple days ago I just felt like my heart stopped and it was heavy to breath as corny as it may sound. It’s crazy for me to feel this way…STILL. It’s not like I sit there thinking about him all day but when little things pop up the feelings resurface. Last night I had a hard time sleeping because I kept thinking about him. I just couldn’t shake off this whatever you call it. In a very strange way, I miss him and I am starting to wonder how he is. So much time has passed and it’s really crazy to me how the feelings are still kinda fresh. Thinking about it now it does make me kinda sad that we no longer speak. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I really wish that we could start over again as total strangers. He gave me a lot of heartache but he made me happy. He was the last guy that I really felt so connected with and since then I haven’t had a strong connection with the guys that I’ve dated. Why can’t I shake it off? Why is he still on my mind? Literally time has passed by where I’m sure he has moved on and I’ve dated around myself. When moments like this happens where he crosses my mind, I wonder if I ever cross his mind, too. Maybe I’ve read too many books where I have this strange bit of hope for some sort of happy ending or that we’ll have some crazy way of meeting. I don’t know, but I hope he’s happy and okay. But to be a bit more realistic and to burst my own bubble, I do feel pathetic to some degree that I feel this way for him at all. Ugh…

This song always made me think of us:

NYC Fail

I’m currently back on the East Coast and currently in New York City. Prior to flying back, I wanted to come to NYC since it’s been 4 years since I’ve last been here after I moved to Cali. All I wanted to do was to come here to hang out in one of my favorite cities and eat yummy food. Very simple agenda. Since planning to come here was very frustrating because people were indecisive and couldn’t make up their minds that my plans were no longer the simple agenda that I had in mind.

My close friend’s husband came along which was fine…until the attitudes kicked in. Honestly don’t fucking go on a trip if you’re fucking tired and give me your bullshit bitchass attitudes. It got awkward for me but I brushed it off and continued to be nice. I had decided to pay for the bill when dinner came since my friend and her husband drove and paid for gas. It was the least that I could do. My friend went to the bathroom and while I sat there at the table with her husband, our waiter brought us the check. I immediately paid for it and my friend’s husband just gives me a weird look and goes “uh ok”. I told him it was the least that I could do since they were driving. He again gives me an attitude and this is where I’m officially pissed. I told him “why don’t you just fucking say thank you and not be so fucking rude about it?”. He said he wasn’t being rude and ended it with “whatever”.

When my friend returned from the bathroom and we were leaving the table, I said to my friend that I get it your husband is tired but wtf, I just paid for the bill so don’t give me a fucking attitude. I don’t need the bullshit. I don’t need the stank ass attitude and when I’m just trying to make conversation with you like asking how did you like the dish, I get a “meh…”. Seriously fuck off and stay home next time. He wanted to come along so it wasn’t like I forced him against his own will to come. So annoying.

We got to our mutual friend’s place which is where we’re staying tonight. She recently got engaged to her boyfriend and they live together. These friends are all close and their significant others have gotten close too. They were chatting amongst themselves while I was in the shower. I thought about how much they all clicked and I started feeling sad. Honestly I feel very lonely in this big and beautiful city. I’m not having the best time and I kinda sorta wish I had someone in my life. It’s hard when you’re surrounded by friends that are all married or taken and you’re the single one.

I wasn’t thrilled about coming back to visit the East Coast and it just makes me not want to come back often or ever. I just want this entire trip to end quicker than I even left my place to go to the airport.