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I’ve been pretty heads down with work lately. I’m focused on building a strategy of success for my team and how I can help in any way that I can to make things better. I’ve had the chance to meet my design idols, who’s book I was currently reading, and I’ve had great discussions with them as well. They helped me see things in a different perspective and it’s changed me in some ways in how I operate. It’s helped pave this leadership path that I am on. They were just super inspiring people that I’ve met and it has made a pretty large impact on my career. By no means am I trying to become a manager or a director. However I do see myself as an influencer…if that’s the right term to use. I’ve immersed myself in design books where it speaks a lot about leadership and whatnot, and I’m loving it. I spend 2 hours towards the end of my work day to read as much as I can. There’s just so much information that I’m trying to absorb and to take into action.

A few weeks ago my friend had this girl’s night dinner and it was fun. My design idol showed up too which left me foaming at the mouth lol. I wanted to get to know her more since she really is such an amazing person both in the design community and outside of that. Our discussions varied on so many things and oddly we can all relate to whatever was being discussed. Anyways, at the end of the night I realized how diverse this group of women are yet we were all on the same page. There were major age gaps between us, different occupations, mothers, wives, singletons, etc. It was just such a strong group of women to be around especially during that time where I felt so down about the guy, I really needed this.

I’ve thought a lot about where I’m standing now and where I was just a month ago. To some degree that cut is still open a bit and I’m still hurt. I am much better today in a sense where I’ve been able to lead and pretty much kick ass where I need to. I am proud of my efforts and my dedication in what I need to get done especially for my career and my team. I know this might happen again since I still have doubts, but I don’t ever want to be in that position again where a guy has made me feel like that. It was a lot on me and it was so draining. It has been quite some time where I had gotten that vulnerable for someone and it was just too painful for me. To even say out loud to him and even my close friends, “I like you” was a huge deal for me. It takes a lot for me to evenĀ  say that since I’m quite selective in who I even crack the door open for. He made me feel so terrible as if he slammed that door so damn hard in my face. It was too much for me. I’ve built my walls back up to shield myself because I can’t allow this to happen again. At least not right now. I am so focused and I can’t be distracted. I need time to trust again and I need to protect myself.

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I’ve been at my current job for over a year and right now I’m facing a lot of challenges ever since my boss’ departure. One of the biggest things that’s bothered me the most is not meeting my team, who are all based in Colorado. It’s a bit pathetic that I have to beg and nagging is not my style. I had reached out to my current ‘boss’, who is my previous boss’ boss. I had sent him an email with a pretty reasonable request. Basically asked homeboy if I could visit my team for better collaboration since we get along so well in our chat channel and to lead by pushing the user experience even further in the next upcoming product release. It’s been almost a month since I’ve written that email and homeboy has not answered me. Once again this is not an outreach program. I’ve been beyond frustrated and it sucks, which has also led me to applying to jobs elsewhere. I don’t see the harm in applying while I’m still employed. However, I had a call with this start up and they seem VERY interested in me. Having a meeting with one of the execs via Google Hangout so that’ll be interesting.

Although I am at the door and with it cracked ever so slightly, I’m not afraid to leave if I have to. But I love my team and I’m embracing my current challenges in a positive way as much as possible. So in light of that, I booked my flight and hotel today to go to Colorado in the next upcoming weeks. I’ve had discussions with several folks on my team to hear their thoughts about me coming to visit and of course they want me to come, but I want to make this as productive as possible. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to get this expensed since I’ve personally funded this travel myself. Regardless, I’m making a huge investment not only for my team and my job, but for myself. I asked one of my colleagues what they think our current boss will think of me just booking my travel and showing up to the Colorado office. He told me he thinks he’ll be impressed with my determination. That made me feel good about my decision and pulling that trigger.

This evening I wrote a message to this woman that I had met at a design event. She’s incredibly smart and just all round awesome. I was very impressed with how she took the initiative and went to another country (with her own money) to get her user research work done. She returned with great results which saved the company lots of money and in return she was able to get this trip expensed. There’s somewhere in the story where she racked up a $20K bill, and the company paid for that. Lucky girl!! Anyways, I sent her a message telling her how inspiring she is with sharing that story with me along with providing helpful tips in how to tackle on this one project that I was doing. I thanked her for giving me that kick in the ass for me to do the same as her, except I don’t think I’ll go over $20K in expenses haha. I thanked her for being such an inspiring contributor in the design community. I never write shit like this to anyone, but I’m sure anyone would appreciate a nice message like that.

I’m currently in the works of writing an email to inform my boss of my decision. I can’t get in trouble for trying to do my job, so whatever. Plus I’ve never been to Colorado so it’ll be nice to visit even though I’m keeping it primarily business focused. I thought about extending my stay into the weekend, but that’ll be for another time. This trip will determine if I want to stay any longer at this company so we shall see. I’m really doing my best to take the lead as much as possible and I hope my work and efforts will make some kind of impact or get any kind of recognition. Shit, I better…

I reached out to L to see how he was doing since I was genuinely concerned. He called me and basically told me he’s been talking to his ex and is trying to get back with her and intends on marrying her as well as moving back to Chicago as soon as possible. I was beyond crushed and disappointed as I listened to everything he was saying. I felt so heartbroken and refrained from crying on the phone. I just simply told him that I was really disappointed and that I wished him the best of luck since I was still in shock and at a lost for words. He thanked me for being there for him and didn’t want me to think it was a waste of my time. However, I did waste my time on someone who’s heart and mind was elsewhere. It was unfair to me.

It’s a huge deal for me to even like someone and now I just want to build my walls back up again. This isn’t the first (or second or third or forth) time I meet a guy and he ends up going back to his ex or off to someone else. It really makes me so sensitive and flawed that I can’t even sustain a relationship at all. As successful as I am, I feel like a huge failure in this department. Not only that, I strongly more than ever firmly believe that there is no good guy out there. I’m sure I’ll be told otherwise, but I really can’t see that.

For the past week I’ve had some really strange dreams and I wake up thinking “wtf?”. I had a dream about L, the guy that I was bummed out about. He somehow lived really close to me…close like he was living on the other side of the house. We were hanging out and he was very warm towards but somehow he started disappearing and was cold towards me when he appeared. Weird…I have distanced myself from L since I want to respect his privacy but I’ve been thinking about him a lot. It really sucks how things turned out and I’m still a bit upset about it. I just really hope he’s okay. In a weird way since coming back from Boston, I felt as if there was nothing between us and that we never met. It’s really weird…

Another weird dream but more along a bad dream was with some shitty people that I had met in the past and it took place at a wedding. Everyone was really mean to me and got violent towards me where I ran away and hid. WTF…I know. No idea where that shit is even coming from haha but yeah…

I’ve had a couple other weird ones and I don’t even know how to really describe those dreams. I just feel weird and confused.

I generally visit Boston for a minimum of one week and maximum of 2 weeks. Every time I visit I feel as if I’ve been visiting home for awhile, but this time I feel as if I’ve been back for MONTHS. Also, this time around I had a bit of eagerness to leave and despite a few bumps during my visit home, I really missed the privacy and peace and quiet I have back here in Cali. However, no matter how short/long my stay is I will always get emotional and teary eyed whenever the plane is taking off to go back to Cali. I think I feel that way because it’s a sense of reality knowing how far I am about to be from my family and friends. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away when that plane takes off. When I arrive back in Cali, I always feel as if I didn’t even leave…if that makes any sense. As soon as I get back to my place, I unpack and head to bed. The next morning when I wake up in my bedroom here in Cali, I feel as if going to Boston was all a dream as if I never went back at all. Also I think not seeing my suitcase and putting all my things away the night before tricks my mind in thinking that I didn’t go anywhere. My sense of reality seems a bit distorted to some degree when it comes to traveling to and from Boston.

Right now, I’m a bit homesick but I need to get back into the swing of things here.

I had talked to this guy a month ago very briefly and long story short, we reconnected again recently. We were both clear as to what we’re currently looking for since I didn’t want to waste my time. As we got to know each other, it was refreshing to meet someone like him. He’s intelligent, handsome, very respectful, sweet and kind. I haven’t met someone like him ever and there was something about him so charming. However as we were kicking things off, I had told him that I’d basically be busy all of September. I was busy with work and had plans, as well as traveling to Boston for 2 weeks and I’d be busy the last week of September once I got back. I felt bad but made it clear to him what my schedule was like so it didn’t make me look like a total flake.

We’ve been in touch on a daily basis and it was nice talking to someone that wants know how my day was. He’s so smart and just the way he carried himself was extremely attractive to me. It was a lot of little things that drew me closer to him. Since being in Boston, I was looking forward to spending time with him when I got back and to take a break from the text messages and phone calls. I felt connected to this guy in some ways due to similar past experiences such as moving to Cali. It was really sweet and cute how he would ask when I’m coming back. That feeling of being needed and wanted to some level felt so nice.

However, my heart sank pretty deep last night. He had mentioned about having depression at one point and that didn’t turn me off. It only wanted me to be there even more for him, to support him and to be there in anyway that I can. Last night he had texted me mentioning how he had a terrible day and was on his way to his group therapy session. I told him to reach out to me anytime if he needed to talk. Well he definitely took advantage of that. He pretty much told me he wasn’t in the right state of mind to be dating due to his depression and how severe it was getting. I felt incredibly sad for him and wishing that he’d get better. The selfish side of me was disappointed that this wasn’t gonna go anywhere and I even told him too.

It’s not his fault for this not working out but I do feel very crushed. Dating is incredibly difficult in this digital era with heavy loaded social media platforms. It’s so hard to come across any type of authenticity nowadays. I met a nice guy and unfortunately it’s not going to work out. I really do hope he gets the help that he needs and that he’ll be okay. I am genuinely concerned and told him that even though things aren’t working out for us doesn’t mean I can’t be there for him. I’ve also mentioned that if he needs his privacy I will totally back off and respect his privacy. Right now I’ve backed off to not only respect his privacy but for me to detach myself from this great guy.

Why do these bullshit things happen to me? It’s not only unfair to me, but unfair to him. I’m just really bummed out.

Since being back home in Boston and catching up with friends, I’ve honestly felt more disconnected than ever with my friends here. My priorities compared to theirs is entirely different and that’s totally fine. Doesn’t makes mines better than theirs and vice versa. They’re so focused on marriage and buying a home, whereas my focus is my career, health and travel. I’m happy for my friends and what they’re doing but I kinda feel that my priorities are frowned upon especially my career. I had dinner with a few friends last week. L asked J if his fiancee will change her last name when they get married and he gave a very firm yes. I jumped into the conversation with saying “I will never change my last name for anyone. I don’t give a fuck who you are.” and then J kinda looked at me like “why??”. I said “I worked very hard in my career and my name is a huge part of my identity as I’m building a reputation for myself in this design community”. Cue the eye rolling… Once again I had to justify my reasoning. I told them that I don’t view work just as a paycheck to collect. I actually give a fuck about the work I do and how much I want to aspire for more in my career. Cue another eye roll followed by head shaking. Tell me WHY the fuck it’s such a terrible thing that I care about my career so much and that unfortunately I don’t have a significant other in my life to care for?? I’m very proud of how independent I am not only in a career aspect but as an overall whole. I’ve done a lot for myself and I don’t see anything wrong with that.

Yesterday I had lunch with M and was telling her about that conversation and I think she misunderstood me. She got very honest with me and told me how I’ve changed since I had mentioned how everyone is changing (which isn’t a bad thing) as well as myself. She told me I’m much more confident and I talk about myself a lot. I gave her this look of confusion, like “uhh, bitch what are you talking about?” when she said I talk about myself a lot. She meant that I talk a lot about myself in terms of my accomplishments. I thought about it and I don’t think I “brag” by any means of what I’ve accomplished in my career or how I moved to Cali. However, I am pretty damn proud of myself for what I’ve done on my own without having to rely on anyone. My friends here have their significant others to celebrate their accomplishments with. For me, I treat myself to a nice dinner or something. I don’t physically have someone to be there to cheer me on, so if I talk about my shit a lot it’s because I’m constantly alone. Not my fault. I’m not mad at M or anything for being honest with me, but her mentioning this just irked me a bit.

Besides a sense of being disconnected with friends here, this city has gotten even more gentrified to the core. I’ve noticed it prior to moving away and it was disappointing to me. I had met up with friends who live near where I grew up and it killed me when I saw how gentrified this one area I used to hang out at. I kinda freaked out and I felt really sad. It was really hard for me to absorb and I’m still in shock about it. I had a chance to drive by the street where I grew up and there were even more new things near it and my heart just broke. This is A LOT of change for me to take in with the bit of disconnect that I’m currently having with my friends and now the gentrification galore throughout the city. Ugh. I kinda feel like I’m not how to handle all of this besides hoping this trip ends even quicker so I can just go back to my daily routine in Cali: work and gym.

It just doesn’t make me feel any happier to be back here and I’d rather be back in Cali alone at my place.