Muted

I haven’t had too much to say lately because quite frankly it’ll be mostly about my career. I continue rising up in my career while building strong relationships with the right people within this community, speaking beyond blunt to executives and thankfully not getting my ass fired for doing so, and influencing people that are aspiring to do what I do. I’m content and very focused. My mind is scattered because I’m constantly thinking about strategies, ideas and discussions that I’ve had with folks and I’m determined in what I’m trying to accomplish.

When I’m not so heads down, I realize how alone I am. I’ve realized that I mask this loneliness with my dedication to my career, which can be good and bad. My friendships has changed significantly this year with friends being so heads down in their relationships. I can truly say that out of my few close friends, only one isn’t completely heads down in her relationship. I don’t feel forgotten at all by her and it’s nice to know. She’s my only friend that’s actually making the effort to visit me for my birthday in 2 months. I don’t need a big celebration. All I want is a piece of home here and to not be alone on my birthday. I’m happy for my friends and all, but it’s not the same anymore. Anything like traveling, dining out, and whatnot now will be with their significant others. Anything that I want to do is really all by myself. If I want to travel somewhere, I just go by myself. If I want to go to a concert, it’s by myself. Etc. I know it’s not their fault to be so engaged, but at the same time sometimes I need them just as much as they need their significant other. I’m a strong, independent woman but sometimes even the strong ones need to cry and to hold someone’s hand, too.

The other night while organizing some old birthday cards that I’ve saved over the years, I was quite entertained yet happy to have read them. At the same time, I realized how I’m getting “old” and this huge flash just hit me hard. I’m still alone. By no means do I want to come off as being desperate just to want to fill this void because I’m lonely. I realize how accomplished I am and I just want to share these moments with someone special. It does get lonely the higher in the success ladder that you climb. Most of my days is filled with peace and quiet, which once again can be good and bad. Everyone is attached to the hip of their significant other and I don’t want to bother anyone and just continue to deal with things on my own in that peace and quiet. The quietness in my daily life has so much volume as weird as that may sound, to the point where things are so muted.

Life isn’t terrible. It’s just gotten pretty lonely no matter how strong, successful, and independent you are.

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One thought on “Muted

  1. I think it’s positive to hear about your career achievements. It makes me a bit jealous reading how well you do. And I think you also experience the “negative” about career – that it makes you a bit lonely.

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