Routine Reassurance

For the past few months, I’ve been on a pretty good workout routine and I was eating pretty healthy. Of course not all routines are meant to last unless you’re crazily disciplined but then again you wouldn’t really be human. Since going back to Boston in September for 2 weeks and with traveling to Colorado last week, my routine is messed up. When I had traveled to both Boston and Colorado, I brought workout clothes with me and tried to stick with getting a workout in or at least even a walk. Besides failing with working out, I’ve been eating like shit. Not entirely shitty but definitely not the best. Alcohol has creeped its way back into my life and that’s no bueno.

I’ve gained 5lbs in the past 2 months which isn’t a huge deal for a lot of people but I was suppose to lose another 10-15lbs around this point. I know, I know…the faster you drop the weight, the quicker you can easily gain it back. I was really dedicated to getting my health back in check and now I’m really freaking the fuck out. I know I shouldn’t get too caught up with the numbers but I am. I have an upcoming follow up appointment with my doctor to see my progress and I’m scared what she’ll say to me. This Friday I have to get blood work done and I’m terrified to not only get stabbed again for my blood, but I’m terrified for what my results will be. I’ve noticed my left leg has been a bit weak and I’m scared shitless if my lack of nutrition and exercise has brought this symptom on or if it could be leading to something more serious. I have a number of thoughts running through my mind.

I was freaking out a lot today since I know both appointments are quickly approaching. I have been trying to gradually get back into my routine again but it’s tough. I’m angry with myself for fucking it up and I’m just being hard on myself. That’s just how I am. I went to temple today to pray for my health to get better so I can do more in this life. I have quite a few setbacks right now because of my health and it sucks. I cried while praying because I want to feel better again. Tonight my friend D shared this fitness reading with me and this one line in the book really triggered me. “The quicker you get back on track the less damage you’ve done.” Such simple words but it really means a lot to me. Tomorrow is a better day and I need to not freak out and to continue trying again.

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