Over the weekend I went down to Santa Cruz and spent the night at one of my favorite hotels. It was a much needed quick getaway after having a stressful day with work on Friday. However I noticed I wasn’t as relaxed as I should’ve been. I felt so irritated, impatient and annoyed. Not sure what my deal was but I tried to let go of those feelings. I got a chance to relax by the pool to tan and to read my book, but there were a lot of annoying children. I love kids, but these little shits were so annoying. I was just not having it. As it was getting close to dinner time and there was a cluster of kids in the hot tub, I decided to grab a bite and come back in hopes that the crowd of kids will be gone by then. I come back to not many kids…only to a creepy guy. Ugh. I was literally trying to relax and you know that feeling when someone keeps making eye contact with you and you sense a conversation is about to happen? Well it did. Ugh…motherfucker. The guy came over and kept trying to talk to me and I gave one word answers and tried to disregard him. As I was getting out of the hot tub and grabbing my towel, he was looking at my back. I have tattoos all over my back and of course he had to ask what one of them says. I turned around and said “it says ‘stop fucking looking’ and he laughed but I was being a bitch to him. Not sure why he didn’t get a clue, but he was such a buzzkill and annoying for many reasons. Also he’s one of the many reasons why I don’t date white guys. Stupid shit that comes out of their mouths. Ugh…
I’ve been chatting with close friends back home about going to NYC for the day or 2. M is really easygoing to make plans with. It’s either you want to go or not. It’s that simple. L on the other hand was driving me fucking crazy yesterday. She said she wanted to go but kept asking what we’re gonna do and whatnot. Bitch, I told you mad fucking times that I’m just trying to chill. Geez…it’s not like I want to go to NYC and do lines of cocaine on the streets. Like WTF do you think I’m trying to do there? When I had texted her asking if she wants to go for a day or not, she replied with I’m not sure. I got really blunt with her and told her that her hubby will be fine at home alone without and it’s not like she’s leaving him for a month. For real, it’s not that serious or complicated. You either want to go for a day or not. This is the fucking shit I hate about some couples. Sorry, I didn’t sign up for the buy one, get one free package deal of you and your husband or whoever the fuck. It’s honestly REALLY fucking pathetic that you can’t leave the motherfucker at home for ONE FUCKING NIGHT. Geez…M is married and is able to do shit without having to ask her husband and whatnot especially for a simple trip to NYC. I primarily want to go because I haven’t gone in 4 years since I moved and I literally just want to hangout. It’s not like we’re going to NYC to meet with mad guys or some shit. Incredibly annoying. I haven’t talked to L since and at this point I don’t even want her to come. This is why I now prefer to travel alone because I hate it when people are indecisive and hesitant because of their significant others. I don’t need any motherfucker to sign my fucking permission slip just to go on a field trip. Honestly, fuck that bullshit.
My “brother” decided to call me last week and I ignored the call. He then followed up with a text message saying he wants us to chat and go over questions to talk to the doctor about during my mom’s upcoming doctor’s appointment. I immediately called my parents and told them to tell their son to fuck off and to leave me the fuck alone. We don’t speak so quit acting like you give a fuck about anyone especially mom. Honestly if you’re actually even remotely concerned about your mother’s health you would show up to the appointments. I’m not a fucking messenger and I already fly across the country to these 1 hour appointments. I don’t have to, but I actually give a fuck. That’s the only reason that I even go back to visit and that’s totally fine with me, but I wish it didn’t have to be under those circumstances. After my parents called him, he texted again asking me why I’m so upset because he cares about mom and how I should be grateful to have a medical expert on my side. Uh…you douchebag…just because you’re a FUCKING PHYSICAL THERAPIST with a masters and DOCTOR is now a part of your suffix, it does not make you a legitimate medical doctor you dumb fuck. This reminds me of the episodes of FRIENDS where Ross refers to himself as Dr. Gellar but motherfucker is a paleontologist. This is why I don’t even respond to entertain that type of bullshit and his ego. For real you wannabe Dr. Oz motherfucker stop the nonsense. It’s ridiculous and makes you sound even more of a pretentious asshole than you are already by referring to yourself as a medical expert. Dumbass.
In much more not to bitchy, angry news, I just booked another stay at that hotel in Santa Cruz for Labor Day. I just need to relax and to clear my mind. I feel so much of this “blah” and I know there’s some feelings and whatnot that I need to let go of. Right now I hate everyone.
Many many years ago, maybe 15-17 years ago my cousin whom I’m close with in age and we used to be close in general dated this guy. She dated this guy for quite some time and I had met him a many times since I hung out with her a lot and she was literally attached to his hip. Fast forward to now, they’re no longer dating, but the primary point is, he’s hitting on me. Yeah…um, ew. Teenager me versus adult me looks quite a bit different, so I don’t think this fool recognizes me lol. However I don’t want to remind him who I am and I’m just simply not going to entertain the conversation. But yeah…ew. Cringes…
I’m starting to work remotely more from my favorite local coffee shop that I haven’t been to in months. It’s getting a bit morbid to just be at home and I feel more productive at this spot. I tend to come at the same time as this guy that I see quite often. We’re both either reading a book or doing work. For whatever reason, I find it so attractive with him reading a book lol. Sounds so lame, but oh well. Anyways, he’s pretty attractive and I’ve considered going up to him and introducing myself to him several times, but yeah…no haha. Yesterday he came in after I decided to come in for a bit to get some work done. We kept exchanging looks at each other. I basically sat right in front of the guy, so he was in my constant line of sight haha. I hesitated to say anything to him this time around because there were wayyy too many people around to get my mack on lol and plus I was pretty focused on getting my work done. I had to rush to leave for a dentist appointment and as I walked over to put my empty glass away, he kept staring at me. Despite constantly wearing workout clothes, I’m glad I looked at least relatively presentable. Who knows if we’ll ever talk, but it was nice having some eye candy while getting some work done haha.
I’m generally pretty happy for my friend’s or anyone that has something good happening in their life. One of my close friend’s recently got engaged. Initially most people would be like, “Wow, I’m so happy for you. Congrats!” Well, when I saw the announcement I honestly felt like “damn, really?…….” I wasn’t too happy for him proposing to his girlfriend, but at the end of the day as long as he’s happy I have to be supportive in that sense. Not too thrilled about his wife to be since I feel she’s changed him…for the worst and I really believe she didn’t bring out the best in him. Plus I feel like he’s marrying a total loser. All terrible things for me to say, but hey I’ve been beyond blunt and in the past have told him directly that he’s in a relationship with a fucking loser and that he can do a million times better than to get someone else’s sloppy seconds. Sounds really mean, but I’m not gonna sugar coat anything especially if we’re close friends. I’d expect the same honesty in return. I know she’s not a fan of me, which is fine because the feeling is mutual. She used to come along to dinners with my friend and I when I come back to visit but for the past 3 years she doesn’t come around, which is fine with me.
Anyways, point is I’m not a total bitch because I do feel bad that I don’t feel genuinely happy for him. I just really want him to be happy…with someone else haha.
I plan on being pretty heads down in my work this week as I’m preparing to lead a very important usability test. I’ve never had to do this and I just want to make sure that I don’t fuck it up. I just want to make sure that I ask important questions, take down the right notes and pretty over moderate the entire session correctly. I’m extremely stressed out and scared about how it will go. I’ve asked my old team who has much more skills in this department for some advice. I’ve noticed how lethargic I’ve gotten during the past couple of days and I’m trying to snap myself out of it. I’ve been extremely tired and sleepy and the thing is, I’m literally not doing much. At all. Pathetic, I know.
I’m trying to manage my stress better since I feel so much pressure from work. I went for an hour walk at the park after dinner to destress. I’m trying to stay focused and get it together before end of the week for when the session happens. I just really want to prove to people at work that I’m stepping it up and that I am good at my job. As a nice incentive, today I booked a hotel for this weekend. It’s the same hotel right on the water by the beach, which I’m really excited for. I definitely want to squeeze it some time in the sun before things start to get really hectic for me where I won’t be able to go as the summer is coming to an end.
I absolutely fucking hate gambling. I don’t get what’s so “fun” about taking “the risk” in losing your hard earned money. Last time I checked I like saving my money or spending it on something much more worthy than tossing that shit out the window. It really pisses me off and it’s one of the most stupid shit you can do.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of changes and I’m having a bit of a hard time absorbing a lot of it. My reaction to it all probably isn’t the best but I do feel so bombarded. I feel like every week there’s something. I get it…change is constant. I can’t control that. However I need to get a better grip of my emotions. I’ve noticed the past 2 nights I haven’t slept so well because my mind is just thinking about literally everything.
There’s so many transitions happening at work and it’s a lot for me. I know my team who are all in Colorado is supportive, but I need that physical presence if that makes any sense. I’ve been dealt with a lot of challenges at this job and I was up for that challenge. Yet suddenly I feel so defeated. Last week I had to meet with this director to basically explain the difference between user experience and user interface. I ever so wanted to just bang my head against the table because it’s honestly not complicated. I even dumbed it down to the simplest explanation ever and I still don’t think he understood me. As he continued speaking to me in the most condescending way ever, he questioned if this was my first job. Sometimes I get comments for how young I look (yay, good Asian genes?) but I have almost 10 years experience in my line of work. It’s hard being a woman working in tech with a large population of men in Silicon Valley. You have to deal with pricks like this director. I got so spoiled at my last job and of course my old team, but I really need to stop comparing the two because they’re both different experiences.
Moving onto my health, I got the call from my doctor yesterday with my results. I am extremely thankful and relieved that I am fine. It was hands down the scariest thing that I’ve ever dealt with. It was beyond an eye opener for me. My parents and close friends were relieved to hear the good news as well. I don’t think anyone can truly understand what hell I’ve been through with that major health scare and that’s okay. It’s just extremely terrifying because you really feel like things are coming to a sudden end for you. I can only continue hoping that my health gets better. I’ve been putting so much hard work into it all and just want to keep things moving in the right direction.
As much as I bitch and complain in my posts, I really am trying my best to embrace these changes the best way that I can. It’s hard, it takes time, and these are major adjustments for me. I’m just taking baby steps and that’s fine with me.