Adjustment

It’s been a week since I’ve been discharged from the hospital. The week prior I was starting to not feel so well and was in a lot of physical pain. I saw my primary care physician, who put me on antibiotics and strong pain killers and was hoping to send me to a surgeon that same day due to an infection. I wasn’t able to see the surgeon until the next day and when I finally did…FUCK. I’ve never ever cried so much begging the doctor to stop. It wasn’t the surgeon’s fault. I was literally in that much excruciating pain. I had to return the next day to get my bandages changed and the pain got worst during the bandage change. My body literally went into shock from the pain that I was in and from there the surgeon had to send me to the emergency room. Thankfully both days seeing the surgeon, my landlord was kind enough to give me a ride since I really was in no condition to drive. When I returned to the car all shaken up and crying, I told my landlord that I have to go to the ER immediately since they were waiting for me to arrive.

I couldn’t stop crying when I arrived to the ER. I called my friend/work mom about what was happening and of course telling my parents since I had told them about my appointment. Every person that I dealt with, I couldn’t stop crying. I wasn’t crying from the pain at this point. I was crying because my worst nightmare came true. To be hospitalized and alone. I laid there so angry with myself because I felt so defeated that I couldn’t take care of myself. I fucking failed and I have a disease. I know I couldn’t fix, prevent or escape any of it, but give me a fucking break please. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions and thoughts laying there with nurses coming in and out hooking me up to an IV, doing blood work, running tests, giving me lots of antibiotics and whatnot. I think the worst was dealing with various doctors breaking the bad news to me. I hated every inch of myself for every time a doctor had to come in to tell me what’s wrong.

As I kept getting moved around throughout the hospital, I finally got sent to my own room. That moment killed me so bad. I honestly wanted to just die because I was angry, hopeless, unhappy, etc. etc. I really felt I had nothing else to really live for anymore. It wasn’t hard to be negative. Thing is I wasn’t trying to be. Shit, if you were in my position you’d have the same thoughts and emotions running through you as well. To be alone in that pain takes a huge toll on you as well as digesting a new diagnosis. How do you gain any sense of normalcy after this experience?

Thankfully my friend/work mom came to the hospital and spent the night. She was also able to go to my place to get a few of my belongings like my work laptop. I shouldn’t have been doing any work while in the hospital and plus my boss and team knew what was going on with me, but I was gripping on so hard to keep things being in an “okay” state. When she initially arrived, she brought me fresh flowers from her garden which cheered me up. It was a very sweet gesture. My other former colleague/friend came by as well to keep me company during my second day in the hospital. She’s very quirky and walked in with flowers, magazine, coloring book, a stuffed animal and balloon. For herself and her fiancĂ©, they brought champagne, cheese and crackers. It was actually pretty funny. As low as I felt, I really needed that laugh. Both friends took turns in coordinating in coming by to keep me company and I am honestly forever grateful for them doing this. They gradually stopped coming because I was slowly getting better and there wasn’t much of a need for them to literally sit there with me. I didn’t want to take them away from their daily routine and disturb them that much.

During my stay, I met a lot of wonderful nurses and got to know them a bit. It made the stay a bit more bearable. Majority of them were really kind and great to talk to. I had met with this one specialist who’s this 67 year old Filipino woman. She’s the most adorable lady ever and we have a ton in common. She was very informative in helping me understand the next steps as to how to go about my diagnosis, but she was so easy to talk to about many things. Talking to her brought back this comfort that I really needed. Plus I really feel like she made a huge impact in my life and I really can never forget about her. Just some of the things we spoke about hit a trigger for me and it was just so easy to confide in her about so many things without getting judged. She really helped lift up my spirits again and I can’t thank her enough. I actually really miss our conversations.

Coming close to a week being in the hospital, I was getting a lot of cabin fever. It was annoying to be hooked up to an IV and drag that shit with me around. I wanted to go outside for a walk, but I was in pain. I was tired of literally getting so many shots or stabbed with needles for blood work. I had to get an ultrasound done to determine if I would have to stay an additional 1-3 days. Thankfully the results from that turned out well and I was anxiously waiting to get the fuck out. My friend came back to pick up as I was getting ready to be discharged. I had a lot of information thrown at me about after care and blahhh. As I was about to leave, I gave one of my favorite nurses a hug. I thanked her for making me laugh during this difficult time.

Since being home, I’ve lost a bit of weight, I’m on lots of medication and I’m eating even cleaner than before. The day I came back I took an extremely long shower and I literally passed out in my bed. I was extremely sleep deprived since I kept having a nurse check on me constantly. I have lots of follow up appointments coming up. Annoying to have to go but obviously I need to. I have a home care nurse coming daily to help me do the bandage changes. I’ve sent thank you flowers to both friends that visited me in the hospital keeping me company. Another old colleague from my old team sent me this really cute succulent and I sent her a thank you card. My parents were beyond freaked out like any parent would be, but I’ve reassured them that I’ll be okay. It’s hard while I’m trying to absorb this fresh news and trying to reassure my parents at the same time. Tough juggling act. This whole experience has been a very life changing moment that I will never forget and has been a huge eye opener for me.

I’m gradually getting back into the swing of things and I try my best to be positive despite how low I felt. I’m just happy that I’m able to do things for myself again like grocery shopping or basic chores. I’ve gotten into a good routine since being home. I’ll even put on a bit of makeup just to feel relatively put together even though I’m wearing workout clothes. As my friend that came to visit me said, I will come out of this being a new, improved and stronger person from this. I really hope so.

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