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Monthly Archives: June 2017

I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time and realized that I’m becoming a bit comfortable with certain things and I don’t like it. I want to get out of this comfort zone. I’m really craving for change in my life and maybe it’s time to say goodbye to California. It’s been a lingering thought for quite some time and just not sure how to go about the changes that I want to make. I mean I know what I need to do, but I want instant gratification. I wish I could literally just leave like right now. However, the idea of moving anywhere isn’t on the top of my list of priorities at the moment. I have to get my health in better condition before I can even think about moving. It sucks but I have great doctors and medical help right now. To have to look for a new doctor in a new place already sounds like a pain in the ass.

Sometimes I go back and forth with staying in California or moving out of state. I think of the pros and cons and ughhh…so many decisions! Might stay for another year or 2 and then leave. Who knows? My living situation is great and I work a great job, which I’m sure they wouldn’t mind me relocating elsewhere. I got very lucky in those situations and I feel like I’ve done well enough in my career so far that I’m ready to explore elsewhere. As for my social life, I’ve made a few friends here and then there’s a couple of Boston transplants from home that I see here and there. If I move again, I’m scared of being lonely. Sounds stupid but I think I’m still a bit traumatized when I first moved to Cali and how incredibly shitty people here were to me. I don’t know if I’m mentally and emotionally ready to deal with that kind of crap again.

Despite having a great job and whatnot, I just don’t feel so happy with my location. I’m just kinda over the things here. It’s been nearly 4 years since I’ve been here. That’s kind of a big deal for me to stay put in one place for that long. Back in Boston I moved around a lot and I didn’t mind. I need a change of scenery and perhaps the good old Pacific Northwest is calling my name. For now, I’m just frustrated with myself and I want to get my health in a better already. I know there’s progress and this is a journey for me, but hurry the fuck up already! My health comes first before anything else and I just want to kick the shit out of this disease. I shouldn’t let this be a set back for me, but unfortunately it is.

I want to start over and be happy again.

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I’m a workaholic and don’t take enough time off or get away as often as I’d like. I’d LOVE to get away somewhere internationally but once I’m debt free (which shouldn’t be much longer!!), I’ll plan a nice international trip for myself. For now, I don’t mind traveling within the U.S. or buying myself something nice. Treating myself to sushi or buying myself a book or flowers are considered “nice” things to me. Back then when I was much more naive with my money and spent it on clothes, shoes and handbags (both luxury and non). To be honest I’m not even sure how I even had much money to spend like that back then, especially since I have a much more substantial salary. With my good salary, I don’t even spend like how I used to. Nowadays, if you leave me alone at Target or Daiso and I’d be very content. The most “luxurious” thing that I’ve ever purchased is my current car and that’s already flashy enough for my taste. I bought it because I wanted a new car, I never took time off, and I didn’t want to spend it on buying property at the time. Overall, I deserved it because I worked so hard.

For quite a few years now I’ve eyed this one luxury handbag. I’ve done a lot of research, read reviews, and whatnot to see if it was worth pulling the trigger on. If I’m going to spend THAT much money, I better do my research. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not all that materialistic or needed a designer bag to impress anyone. With the recent occurrences and since I’ve felt like I deserve something nice, I thought I’d treat myself to a nice designer handbag and off to the mall I went. When I arrived to the store, I was getting excited about my purchase. I tried the bag on to see how it looked and immediately I was ready to checkout. I left the store feeling good about my purchase and couldn’t stop looking at the bag when I got home.

Well that “love” didn’t last too long because the next morning, there was a change of heart. It’s almost as if I had beer goggles on during the purchase and the next morning I had a hangover wondering, “what happened?”. The more I looked at it, the more I realized that it didn’t suit me. It would’ve suited the old me, but not this grandma right here. It’s a beautiful bag, but I’ve come to terms that I’m not that boujee. I decided to return it because I couldn’t suck it up to keep it, but I also felt so tacky to return it. I even felt a bit embarrassed returning it, but whatever. After returning the bag, I opted to buy another bag elsewhere that is much more practical, both in style and cost. I’m really happy that I made the return and opted for something else. I feel much happier with this new purchase and don’t feel as awkwardly flashy as I did before. It really wasn’t about the cost of the bag. Not saying that like I’m a baller or anything. It had more to do with my style and functionality. I felt uncomfortable having to be cautious with a designer bag. Granted the designer or non designer bags that I’ve had in the past, I’ve always been careful with. If I got even the tiniest spot on that bag, it would freak me out. It just wasn’t practical.

Is this what happens when we get older? Well, it looks like I have money left over to buy myself sushi, books and flowers again. 🙂

It’s been a week since I’ve been discharged from the hospital. The week prior I was starting to not feel so well and was in a lot of physical pain. I saw my primary care physician, who put me on antibiotics and strong pain killers and was hoping to send me to a surgeon that same day due to an infection. I wasn’t able to see the surgeon until the next day and when I finally did…FUCK. I’ve never ever cried so much begging the doctor to stop. It wasn’t the surgeon’s fault. I was literally in that much excruciating pain. I had to return the next day to get my bandages changed and the pain got worst during the bandage change. My body literally went into shock from the pain that I was in and from there the surgeon had to send me to the emergency room. Thankfully both days seeing the surgeon, my landlord was kind enough to give me a ride since I really was in no condition to drive. When I returned to the car all shaken up and crying, I told my landlord that I have to go to the ER immediately since they were waiting for me to arrive.

I couldn’t stop crying when I arrived to the ER. I called my friend/work mom about what was happening and of course telling my parents since I had told them about my appointment. Every person that I dealt with, I couldn’t stop crying. I wasn’t crying from the pain at this point. I was crying because my worst nightmare came true. To be hospitalized and alone. I laid there so angry with myself because I felt so defeated that I couldn’t take care of myself. I fucking failed and I have a disease. I know I couldn’t fix, prevent or escape any of it, but give me a fucking break please. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions and thoughts laying there with nurses coming in and out hooking me up to an IV, doing blood work, running tests, giving me lots of antibiotics and whatnot. I think the worst was dealing with various doctors breaking the bad news to me. I hated every inch of myself for every time a doctor had to come in to tell me what’s wrong.

As I kept getting moved around throughout the hospital, I finally got sent to my own room. That moment killed me so bad. I honestly wanted to just die because I was angry, hopeless, unhappy, etc. etc. I really felt I had nothing else to really live for anymore. It wasn’t hard to be negative. Thing is I wasn’t trying to be. Shit, if you were in my position you’d have the same thoughts and emotions running through you as well. To be alone in that pain takes a huge toll on you as well as digesting a new diagnosis. How do you gain any sense of normalcy after this experience?

Thankfully my friend/work mom came to the hospital and spent the night. She was also able to go to my place to get a few of my belongings like my work laptop. I shouldn’t have been doing any work while in the hospital and plus my boss and team knew what was going on with me, but I was gripping on so hard to keep things being in an “okay” state. When she initially arrived, she brought me fresh flowers from her garden which cheered me up. It was a very sweet gesture. My other former colleague/friend came by as well to keep me company during my second day in the hospital. She’s very quirky and walked in with flowers, magazine, coloring book, a stuffed animal and balloon. For herself and her fiancé, they brought champagne, cheese and crackers. It was actually pretty funny. As low as I felt, I really needed that laugh. Both friends took turns in coordinating in coming by to keep me company and I am honestly forever grateful for them doing this. They gradually stopped coming because I was slowly getting better and there wasn’t much of a need for them to literally sit there with me. I didn’t want to take them away from their daily routine and disturb them that much.

During my stay, I met a lot of wonderful nurses and got to know them a bit. It made the stay a bit more bearable. Majority of them were really kind and great to talk to. I had met with this one specialist who’s this 67 year old Filipino woman. She’s the most adorable lady ever and we have a ton in common. She was very informative in helping me understand the next steps as to how to go about my diagnosis, but she was so easy to talk to about many things. Talking to her brought back this comfort that I really needed. Plus I really feel like she made a huge impact in my life and I really can never forget about her. Just some of the things we spoke about hit a trigger for me and it was just so easy to confide in her about so many things without getting judged. She really helped lift up my spirits again and I can’t thank her enough. I actually really miss our conversations.

Coming close to a week being in the hospital, I was getting a lot of cabin fever. It was annoying to be hooked up to an IV and drag that shit with me around. I wanted to go outside for a walk, but I was in pain. I was tired of literally getting so many shots or stabbed with needles for blood work. I had to get an ultrasound done to determine if I would have to stay an additional 1-3 days. Thankfully the results from that turned out well and I was anxiously waiting to get the fuck out. My friend came back to pick up as I was getting ready to be discharged. I had a lot of information thrown at me about after care and blahhh. As I was about to leave, I gave one of my favorite nurses a hug. I thanked her for making me laugh during this difficult time.

Since being home, I’ve lost a bit of weight, I’m on lots of medication and I’m eating even cleaner than before. The day I came back I took an extremely long shower and I literally passed out in my bed. I was extremely sleep deprived since I kept having a nurse check on me constantly. I have lots of follow up appointments coming up. Annoying to have to go but obviously I need to. I have a home care nurse coming daily to help me do the bandage changes. I’ve sent thank you flowers to both friends that visited me in the hospital keeping me company. Another old colleague from my old team sent me this really cute succulent and I sent her a thank you card. My parents were beyond freaked out like any parent would be, but I’ve reassured them that I’ll be okay. It’s hard while I’m trying to absorb this fresh news and trying to reassure my parents at the same time. Tough juggling act. This whole experience has been a very life changing moment that I will never forget and has been a huge eye opener for me.

I’m gradually getting back into the swing of things and I try my best to be positive despite how low I felt. I’m just happy that I’m able to do things for myself again like grocery shopping or basic chores. I’ve gotten into a good routine since being home. I’ll even put on a bit of makeup just to feel relatively put together even though I’m wearing workout clothes. As my friend that came to visit me said, I will come out of this being a new, improved and stronger person from this. I really hope so.