Physical Hell

Literally in physical hell during the past 2 months. More recently I’m in a ton of excruciating pain. I have no idea what it’s like to give child birth but I think I got a pretty good idea of it now. I can barely sit, walk, lay down, etc. without feeling any discomfort. THIS FUCKING SUCKS! Saw an herbalist yesterday and have another whole line up of doctor’s appointment. It really upset me that my health is literally going to shit and I’ve been trying. Trying so hard to “fix” myself yet I keep coming across more bad shit. Last night I cried and wished ever so much for this to all go away. This shouldn’t be happening to me. Despite getting the medical help that I need, it’s very discouraging and upsetting for me to deal with this.

I want to be healthier and pain free.


Out of Sight, Out of Mind

I’m always trying to declutter my place yet at this point, what else do I even have left? I am currently on this total closet purge. Recently I’ve spent quite a bit of money on some new clothes and it’s mainly new workout clothes, which I practically live in now. I am barely in the office, I don’t go out as often as I used to, and I do workout a lot so that’s why I’m dressed down and very casual. A few months ago, I had swapped out my plastic hangers for velvet hangers to save space in my closet, which did make a big difference. I’ve given those away to my landlord and friends to use. I’ve resisted on purchasing more velvet hangers because that’ll just add on to the clutter and it’ll defeat the purpose of decluttering. Last night I pulled out dresses, tops and a few other things from my closet. I stood there staring at my clothes and deciding what to get rid of. I either don’t wear it or it doesn’t suit my style anymore. If I’m out and about, you can usually catch me in leggings, v neck tee and sneakers or flip flops.

I’ve posted a few items to sell on Poshmark since I’ve made good earnings in the past, but I wish people weren’t so stingy and low balling on there because I want to get rid of my stuff immediately. To post your items, then repost it on a daily basis so it’s seen as a new listing is such a commitment. Ain’t nobody got the time for that. Well I used to, but not anymore haha. It bothers me how much of a slow process it is just to get someone to buy your stuff. So in the meantime, I’ve decided to order another ‘clean out kit’ from ThredUP to get rid of my stuff. I’ve filled up a clean out kit before and made decent profit from it. At least if my items don’t sell, it’ll be donated and of course out of sight and out of mind in my home.

Today I realized not only do I want to get rid of clothes, but handbags and shoes as well. I hardly use them and they’re in great condition. I have shoes that’s brand new and still in the box. Not like my stuff has any bad juju or anything. Every time I open that closet door I feel suffocated as weird as that may sound. I’d rather someone else put it into better use instead of me continuing to let my stuff sit around and collect dust. I just want more space…in my space…and to make better use of my space without having to feel obligated to fill it up just because it’s empty. As eager as I am to declutter, it’s almost like a cleanse…a very effortless cleanse. With the things that has happened to me recently, it’s like getting rid of the bad and to simplify my life. It feels so refreshing. But I’m also the weirdo that enjoys cleaning and organizing haha.

Happy cleaning!

Much Needed Day Off

My week had started off quite stressful. I had worked remotely all day at my favorite coffee shop on Monday. As the work day was coming to an end, I get an e-mail to add more changes to the design that I had thought out and mocked up. This change ended up causing me to redesign everything and to add on more mockups. W-T-F!! I felt overwhelmed by this bullshit. For awhile I had contemplated on taking work off and getting away to Santa Cruz. I haven’t been down there for awhile and since the weather was suitable beach weather I thought why not. However I’ve become a workaholic over the years and it’s hard for me to walk away from my work sometimes. I’ll literally be thinking about it or checking my work email constantly. It’s a bad habit that I need to break.

Anyways, during that moment of frustration I kinda said fuck it and decided to book a hotel for the next day. I was debating on taking work off for 2 days, but I wanted to make sure that I like the hotel and I could always extend my stay once I arrive. Later on Monday night I hardly slept as I stayed up as late as possible to finish up as much work as I can before I left early the next morning. Since I was only staying a night, I wasn’t too worried about packing especially for a local trip. Pretty much just tossed my bathing suit, a dress and a few other items in a weekender bag and called it a day. I only got a couple hours of sleep, but dragged my ass out of bed to get on the road. I wanted to get the most out of the hotel that I was staying at. It’s right on the beach with a pool, hot tub, and literally steps away from the beach, wharf and boardwalk.

I really didn’t want to drive anywhere. I simply wanted to just tan, read my book, have a couple drinks and relax. I wanted to be catered to so I took advantage of room service, which to my surprise the food was actually pretty good. I enjoyed a nice breakfast on the balcony with an ocean view before I made my way to the pool. From there I was at the pool from 11AM until 6PM, which led me to getting sunburnt. Yes, I did wear and kept reapplying lots of sunscreen. It’s safe to say I’m gonna be hiding from the sun for awhile. I got burnt pretty badly and this shit still hurts. I was extremely red the next day, and the day after …and even a bit today. I’m surprised I didn’t get sun poisoning or a heat stroke from that shit.

While I was at the pool lounging and enjoying myself, I had met quite a few people. I met this older couple that were lounging next to me. We chatted for awhile and they were visiting from Santa Rosa and booked this hotel out on a whim as well. Spoke to this family that were visiting from Halifax, Canada. I moved over to the cute cabanas that were by the pool to get some shade and to read some more. The mom had apologized if her kids were being really loud and bothering me, which they weren’t at all. They were in Cali and pretty much started their trip from SF and were making their way down along the coast and to hit San Diego as their final destination. Lots of friendly guests at this hotel as well as friendly staff.

Eventually I finally made way back to my room to take care of my painful sunburn and to order room service for dinner. Enjoyed my dinner on the balcony, played with my camera to take pictures of the sunset, and just enjoyed my view while it lasted. As I got ready for bed and patiently waited for Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD to air, the sound of the ocean waves was super relaxing. That literally put me to sleep. When I woke up the next day I felt so refreshed despite this nasty sunburn. I haven’t felt like that in so long. If I wasn’t sunburnt, I would’ve extended my stay.

Overall, I’m glad I took a break from work even if it was just for a day. Before my trip I had a talk with my friend/old colleague from my last team, T and he’s like a total ‘dad’ to me out here giving me advice in design and life. One thing that he said that kept lingering in my mind was “to be gentle to myself”. He was right. I need to take better care of myself. He’s even said to me on many occasions to take a break from work. Uncle T was right and he’s usually always right.