Keep It Moving

I had a bad day where I was just this emotional mess. It’s my fault for bottling a lot of it up inside but then again I was really trying my best to be strong, positive and to keep things moving. During my most recent follow up appointment with the doctor, I’ve been meaning to ask to get a 100% confirmation for my diagnosis. What my previous doctor told me was incorrect and this doctor that specializes in what’s wrong with me confirmed it was something else, but it wasn’t too far of a stretch for what the actual diagnosis was. I remember sitting on that table fighting back tears as I continued to nod my head and acknowledge that words that he had said to me. He described to me the difference between the two things and what my primary diagnosis is. I took in every word that he said the let that sink into my mind. Afterwards he told me that the goal is to help me get stronger and that I’m currently on the right path.

Despite the bad news ending on good news, I couldn’t shake off the exact medical terms for my diagnosis. I remember leaving that office feeling so numb with those words continuously running through my mind. I teared up only a tiny bit once I got into my car, but I tried my hardest to put my emotions on the side since I had to get back to work. This wasn’t entirely new news to me, but it was like a part 2 to getting this type of news after narrowing it down to what it is. Anyways, I had to stay focused on my work and didn’t want this to distract me. Yet as the days went by it became a huge distraction since I was creating a really large void. I really didn’t want to acknowledge the issue myself. I was still in a huge amount of disbelief that “fuck, why me?”.

I haven’t slept well because it’s constantly on my mind and plus I’m in pain so that’s not a helpful reminder either. I’m scared that I’ll wake up with worst symptoms. Not sure what even triggered me to start crying so much today about it, but I guess I really needed to let it out. All of it. In so many ways I wish for the physical pain to go away. I wish this shit never happened to me. I wish my parents and friends from home were physically here. I want someone to hold my hand during this difficult time for me. I haven’t told anyone since I don’t want to freak anyone out. I’m sure at some point I will, but for now I’m still processing it. I know I’m on the right path to healing, but throughout the day I realized I have to live with this and it’s going to fuck me up as I get older. That’s the extremely terrifying part of it all. It’s going to gradually tear me apart. I’m scared for what will happen to me as I age and I can’t stop it. I’m angry with myself that I can’t fix it permanently.

I don’t want to drown myself in this sadness. Right now it just feels like deja vu when I got my first diagnosis from the first doctor. So to be told bad news about your health AGAIN isn’t that great. I just want to be okay. I’m letting this all out so tomorrow will be a new day for me to continue to keep things moving.


Monday Ramblings

Been reorganizing and decluttering my room over the weekend. As I’m getting rid of things, I’m bringing in some new additions to my room…which ends up defeating the purpose of decluttering my room. Anyways, I have a few workout equipment and decided to buy a weight bar. Figured I could put it into good use with my current workout routine, so I’m excited for that. Plus, I haven’t made as much use of the gym at work since I’ve been practically 100% working from home for a month now. Might as well work out in the comfort of my own home.

Back in December I had purchased tickets to go see Deadmau5 in April. At the time I was excited and now that it’s April I’m bailing on the concert tonight. Why? Because I slept like total shit last night, I have work to finish up, and I REALLY don’t want to drive to Oakland during rush hour traffic. I know I’ll feel like shit the next day if I stay out and come home late. It’s a waste of money on my end, but oh well.

Instead of going to the concert tonight, I’m going to HMart (Korean chain grocery market). I used to go to HMart all the time back in Boston. It’s a bit pricey, but you get what you pay for. I really like the banchan from there and the variety of marinated meats. I don’t eat that much red meat anymore, but since I found out that they opened recently I have this urge to cook anything Korean. I really want to make spicy pork belly kimchi lettuce wraps and japchae. It’s kinda funny that my priorities has shifted from originally wanting to go to a concert that I had kinda sorta looked forward to …to checking out a Korean grocery market. SMH… 🙂

Along with sleeping like total shit last night, today was my second time skipping one of my many physical therapy appointments. I was in no shape or form able to go because I was extremely exhausted. I was really out of it and could barely open my eyes. I didn’t want to waste my time going especially the physical therapist’s time if I wasn’t really going to put in any effort. Oddly I feel really bad for cancelling. It’s probably a guilty conscience lingering and being hard on myself for not going. I really needed to get my rest so I can finish up my work today.

Annoying coworker is still incredibly fucking annoying. Keeps texting and whatnot. Bitch, do you not get the hint? Hate to sound like a total bitch by saying this, but now I get why her and her husband are having issues. I REALLYYY hate it when someone is constantly in my personal space like that. FUCK OFF! I really cringe at the thought of having to go to my nice office because she literally sits close to me. UGHHHH!!!!!!

Last week I had drinks with my old team in SF. So after being annoyed by this bitch, stressing out about work and my health, and etc., I definitely needed a drink with some good company. Granted I hardly drink now compared to before, but I had a good amount that night. It was nice catching up with everyone over some good drinks and yummy food. I get really good career advice from them and they understand the struggles that myself and many designers have to deal with. Whenever we get together, I always feel better and really refreshed. I miss this crew and I’m glad we still get together when we can.

Me Me Me

Lately I’ve felt a bit conflicted about the idea of commitment. I see my friends settling down with their significant others, moving in together, buying a home, having babies, etc. I’m happy for them and at times I wish I can have that in my life, but I kinda sorta don’t want it. My friends that have kids are literally on lock down and don’t live a life where their schedule was once much more flexible. I’m not saying kids are a burden by any means. There’s just a shift in priorities that’s all. My close friend who is married is attached to the hip of her husband. You jump and ask how high kinda deal.

When I imagine myself in their shoes whether it’s to be moving in with a significant other, having a kid or getting married, it all freaks me the fuck out. Not like I don’t want any of those in the future. With the way that I’m currently living my life, I enjoy it too much. I value my freedom and my independence. I don’t think it’s selfish of me to feel this way. I really don’t want my hands tied and I like not having to answer to anyone. If I want to travel somewhere or go to a concert, I can just go. I don’t have to inform anyone of what I’m doing because I’m on my own agenda. What triggered all of this the most was hearing friends saying “I wish I got to do this and that” before I got married/had kids/was still single.

I’m just heavily focused on me and figuring out what I want.

Cross Roads

Recently while having dinner with my old colleague/friend a couple weeks ago, he mentioned how he quit his job at this healthcare startup. He talked about enjoying his time off and getting the chance to relax, do nothing and pretty much reenergize from that startup life. I was so envious as he spoke of this time off and started believing that’s what I need. I asked how he’s able to even do it and of course that one keyword: savings. Granted he’s 55 and married so having money saved up over the years along with a spouse’s income helps him to take advantage of the opportunity to do this.

With how discouraged I’ve been with work, maybe taking a break from work or this job in general will be a good idea…IF I WAS BALLIN’! I have my finances straight, debt gradually disappearing, and money saved, but I’m not going to waste my savings to shoot the shit. It’s the “adult” in me telling me to be responsible. Ugh. Anyways, this job is still relatively new since I haven’t been there for a full year yet. I’ve faced bad but also good challenges at this job and I am at a wonderful opportunity where I am the lead designer. This is my shining moment and that last project really fucked me up. I’m currently transitioning onto a new project and here’s my chance to move on and redeem myself.

I wish I could take sabbatical leave or just easily quit my job and figure out what I want out of this job. I think somewhere down the line I forgot about my goals and lost a bit of my confidence as a designer. With any job there will be struggles, but that project really destroyed me. I’ve dealt with difficult projects and clients in the past especially during the early stages in my career, but damn not like this. In the meantime, I’m diving back into the design community and taking advantage of the resources that’s out there to get me inspired and motivated again.

The Right Show

Over the years, I’ve kinda sorta stopped watching tv. There wasn’t much on that interested me. Even if the latest tv show was really good, I never jumped on the band wagon just because it was trending. While I was on my rollercoaster ride from hell last year and I was really unhappy, I decided to find something to watch on tv to help me get my mind off of things. Nothing was really sparking any interest for me as expected. However I noticed I would just get upset regardless what I was watching and it was so bizarre. For example, I remember I was watching ‘the Hangover 2’ during my flight back from Boston one time and I started tearing up. W-T-F? I was dealing with a lot of heavy issues and I know I wasn’t myself, but c’mon now, really?! Crying watching ‘THE HANGOVER2″?!?! I felt like a whack job after that moment.

One of the shows that I enjoy watching a lot is ‘Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD’, ‘Shark Tank’, ‘Big Bang Theory’ along with a couple of shows on Bravo. Some time during the Fall, I rediscovered ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’. I had watched it when it initially aired years ago, but never kept up with it. After watching a couple of episodes, I felt happy. I got a good laugh from these drag queens acting so silly and sassy. Plus I thought it was quite fascinating to see their transformation. Soon afterwards I started binge watching from Season 1 to Season 8. It was interesting to learn these drag queens personalities, how they got started and their overall background. Each of their stories as to how they got into drag or their childhood was really interesting and some were quite sad. Honestly I never really understood too much about drag queens. I just thought it was just a guy dressing up as a woman but there is more to it. Well it still is a man dressing up as a woman, but they’re pretty much selling you a temporary fantasy to make you laugh and to have a good time. I’ve learned some of these ‘ladies’ do it as an escape for them.

I’ve become pretty obsessed with RuPaul’s Drag Race and started looking up events that any of my favorite drag queens from the show would be at. My first event was back in January 2017 in SF and I got to see Trixie Mattel perform. My friends came along and it was so much fun. Last month I went to this event called ‘Haters Roast: The Shady Tour’ in SF where about 6-8 of the drag queens that were on RuPaul’s Drag Race were having a comedy roast. The ones that were there the night I had gone was: Phi Phi O’Hara, KimChi, Bob the Drag Queen, Jinx Monsoon, Ginger Minj, Cynthia Lee Fontaine, Latrice Royale, and Acid Betty. I found this event pretty last minute and figured I needed a good pick me up after my most recent trip from Boston because I knew I’d be pretty unhappy. I bought the Super Fan ticket which consisted of a front row seat, autographed poster and meet and greet with the drag queens. I literally felt like a little girl meeting all of the Disney princesses when I took a picture with them all haha. They were so beautiful, friendly and of course funny. The show was awesome and I had a really good time.

This coming weekend I’m going to another event with drag queens that were once again on RuPaul’s Drag Race: Alaska Thunderfuck 5000, Katya Zamalodchikova, and Detox. I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT!!!! I’m pretty excited and my old work mom/friend is going to come with me. She’s also become a bit obsessed with it so it’ll be nice to go with someone that enjoys this as much as I do. It’ll be another meet and greet opportunity, which I’m so excited about. Oddly this will be happening during the late afternoon-ish, which I don’t mind. I can’t handle staying out too late anymore anyways. Also, next month I’m seeing one of the funniest drag queens ever that was on RDR, Bianca Del Rio. She’s having a tour called “Not Today Satan” and is an insult comedian as well. Can’t wait for that!

Overall, I was relieved to finally find something to watch that wasn’t going to make me cry like a baby…even if it was funny. We all need some kind of source that will provide us a guaranteed good laugh. Laughter is good for the soul.

Midnight Ramblings

I’ll be up late tonight to finish up some work before my review for this project. It’s not much work but I still feel overwhelmed and feel like there’s still lots to do. I keep getting distracted every time I do some bit of work but I guess there’s some progress. Last Thursday I was up until 3AM doing some work for this same project. I felt like a zombie the next day and that was not fun. Also, my left leg that I’ve had issues with felt really funny. Borderline freaked me out. Tried to calm down by going for a walk.

Decided to book a last minute 60 minute foot massage a couple hours before the place closed. My leg was feeling a bit better but I felt really relaxed from that massage. When he worked on my shoulders and back he kept looking at my tattoos and asked me about it. I love my tattoos, but sometimes I wish there was nothing back there because I always get comments and questions about it. Makes me reconsider on even wanting to get my entire back piece done. Anyways, once I got home and showered, I immediately went to bed. I was thinking about waking up early to do more work over the weekend, but opted to sleep in and get some rest. The next morning I was feeling a better but my leg still felt funny. Thankfully by today my leg was feeling much better. I was freaking out if my leg was reacting to a potential side effect from my recent medical procedure. I still hope that’s not the case but will mention it to my doctor at my upcoming follow up appointment.

I had felt pretty down a few days ago and made attempts today to pull myself out of this crazy dark hole that I keep falling into. Did some laundry, went grocery shopping and bought myself some more flowers, cooked myself a nice dinner and went for a walk and attempted to jog too. So far my left leg’s strength is improving but still not 100%. Overall, a pretty productive day. Kinda wanted to get yet another massage, but that’s just getting a bit excessive there. Maybe twice a month would be a nice treat for myself. However, I do feel much more calmer.

For nearly 3 weeks I’ve had this nasty stye turned chalazion on my damn eyelid. I’ve never had one before, I never rub my eyes, I don’t wear contacts, and I’m very good about keeping my makeup brushes clean and tossing out old makeup. The day I was flying back to Cali from Boston, I was doing working pretty much all day at the airport and during my flight. Right when I was about to board, I saw this cute guy that was on my flight and I smiled at him. I got up as I was waiting to board and he came over to me. I was going to get my mack when I got off the flight, but failed. WHY?! Because of the fucking beastly alien growing on my eyelid. Felt like my eyes were getting sore from staring at the screen for so long so I gave my eyes a break. Yet when I touched my right eye it felt so tender and sore. I went into the bathroom and that shit was red. I couldn’t wait to get off of the flight to get home and get a warm compress on this bitch. Plus the stud got away. Le sigh… But good news is that I had decided to go to this local Chinese herbal medicine shop as I was going onto week 2 with the chalazion and picked up this ointment which has helped this damn thing go away for the most part.

Okay enough rambling, I need to get this shit done and go to sleep.