One of my biggest fears of visiting home is knowing how discouraged I’ll get. This can apply to literally everything. I’ve been feeling a bit discouraged with my health, I feel like shutting everyone out again, and what’s hit me the hardest is how discouraged I am with work. I’m struggling with work pretty hard. I’m not performing as well and that is my own fault. The project that I am currently assigned to is truly the biggest mess that I’ve ever been a part of. It’s a mess with so many people on it and also my voice isn’t being heard. Every time I present, my work constantly keeps getting negative feedback and it’s like “WTF?!”. I’m delivering the necessary requirements, yet I keep getting shitted on. It’s beyond frustrating. I try to change my strategy so things could work better, but nope.
The other day while I was working remotely it was just REALLY awful. I was extremely exhausted from zero sleep on my flight and I knew I had to present my work. In the back of my mind, I knew that no matter how hard I try I knew I was just gonna get shitted on. I spoke too soon. I woke up at 6:00am and was running on 4 hours of sleeping trying to get the final bits of my design cleaned up and ready to share. I was pretty confident in my presentation and BAM! I got shitted on by each person on that call. Nothing but so many comments. Seriously, WTF? I don’t think I’m the best at what I do, but fuck I’m not that bad. I continued taking notes with a couple of useful feedback to work on my revisions. After that meeting ended, I sat there with my face in my hands and started crying…only for the manager on that project to message me to ask if he could call me. He called only to give me some more shit. I just didn’t really give a fuck anymore and just expressed my frustration with this project and how I hard I’m trying. Even though I was being pretty blunt, he didn’t seem to care what I had to say. I started crying even more after that call.
An hour later I had a daily stand up call with my team and sometimes these calls are whatever. Only myself and this guy B on my team had dialed in. The day before B had vented to my boss and I his frustrations with some of the work that he has been dealing with. Since we were all in need of venting, I had vented to B about the project that I am on. I felt very reassured that it wasn’t me and that the project that I am on is indeed a fucking mess. I’m on a team filled with engineers that doesn’t know shit about design. I told him how I was a bit hesitant to tell my boss about all of this, but he told me I should anyways. I decided to calm down and tell my boss about this the next day. He was understanding and doesn’t like the people that I have to deal with anyways. Luckily I was already in the process of getting transitioned off of this project and I just wish the process was much faster.
Despite the support from my boss and team, I’m having a hard time with everything. I’m trying my best to pull myself out of this dark hole. I told myself before that I can’t be like this again, but it’s very hard. As much as I enjoy being with my parents and seeing my close friends, I really need to get back to Cali to get myself together again. I just feel all of the seams falling apart the longer that I am here. My anxiety is getting pretty bad and I constantly feel like I am panicking. This will be my constant challenge every time I visit home and it’ll either get harder or easier on how well I can control it. Right now I feel so suffocated and I just want to leave already.