I feel like a total vegetable. I literally don’t want to do anything. I just want to stay in bed and sleep all day. I’m trying to pull myself out of this vegging out phase that I’m in right now. I’ve slacked off completely with the routine that I’ve formed and of course once you’re off track it’s hard to get back on track. Trying to kick my own ass to get some work related things done but a part of me is still so discouraged from even making any effort. Today my body just got the shit kicked out of. My physical therapist pushed me pretty hard today and I told her I hate her haha. After physical therapy, I had my medical procedure done today so I need to rest. For now I keep telling myself, “I’ll do it tomorrow”…uh yeah…
Despite my routine with other things, I had my workout routine locked down well before my trip to Boston. I was working out 5 days a week and I felt like my body was getting stronger as I was building up my endurance. I started eating like crap during my visit home and ugh, the struggle to eat clean again is real. I definitely couldn’t resist mom’s home cooking either! Today when I got the mail I received my friend’s wedding invite. Prior to receiving this, I wanted to get in much better shape for her upcoming summer wedding and of course for myself. I started browsing at dresses online as to what I wanted to potentially wear. While browsing I realized, “GET IT TOGETHER GIRL!”. I was physically feeling good before and now I feel like a blob.
Guess I gotta hit the gym next week. Ugh……………… 😦
I can be pretty empathetic with most people when it comes to them talking to me about anything. Then there’s that side where I can be a cold bitch and be really blunt about things but that’s a rarity. I only get like that if you are really pressing me with just redundant bullshit. I’ve been quite stressed out dealing with my own shit and I have my way of dealing with it. Granted we all have shit that we’re dealing with and that’s just life. I think everyone is totally entitled to vent just to get it out of their system and that’s fine, but don’t come to me for a pity party because I’ll just be mean and give you a dirty look.
My colleague at work who is in her 50s has her own set of issues. Her topics of discussion can range from Trump, God and her marital issues. All topics that makes me want to bang my head against my desk. Plus, golden rule is to never talk about politics and religion with people. I didn’t mind being a lending ear here and there, but she pushed me pretty hard when she tried to get me to go to church since she’s Christian. Seriously, WTF? I have respect for all religions, but fuck off and respect mines as well. I’ve had a pretty bad experience where an ex-friend of mines tried doing this shit to me which led me to flip out on him and kicked his ass out of my car. That’s how mean I can be. But this lady is pretty sensitive and I have to deal with her at work so I’m not going to go bat shit crazy on her. That moment made me very uncomfortable and it just made me look at her in a different light from then on.
Next thing she tends to talk to me about is her sister who happens to have leukemia. Despite the diagnosis that her sister and my mom has is entirely different, I know how hard it is. It’s a very stressful and difficult to deal with especially to know that your loved one is sick. From day one of my mom’s diagnosis I’ve never treated her like a cancer patient and I never made the situation about me because it’s not about me EVER. However, my colleague keeps making her sister’s disease about HER. Seriously, I should slap you for being so selfish. She had plans to go to Hong Kong to take care of her sister and prior to me leaving to go to Boston to take care of my mom, she came over to my desk venting and started crying. At this point I’m pretty anxious and stressed out myself. The last thing I need is for someone to come at me with this boo hoo bullshit. I calmly said to her that “I get it that it totally sucks to see your sister hurting, but imagine the shit that she has to deal with and the on going treatments that she has to go through. You are still able to drive your nice BMW, go out to eat a nice meal, go shopping, work a great job, etc. It’s seriously not about you so stop it.” At that moment, I was pretty relieved that I was going to be in the office for awhile to deal with her shenanigans and by the time I get back, she was going to be off to Hong Kong…
Until this jackass text messaged me while I was in Boston. She texted me at 3:00AM EST (12:00PM PST). I woke up really angry. She had texted me asking when am I coming back and told me she cancelled her trip and that her sister will have to go through some kind of aggressive treatment. Girl, for real?…WHY THE FUCK ARE TELLING ME THIS?!!!! I was so pissed because there she went again…making the situation about her. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Whether you like it or not how someone’s treatment is going to be, why the fuck would you let them go through it alone? This is where I’m not so empathetic with her. I would never ever ever ever ever EVERRR leave my mom alone like that regardless how serious her treatment got. It just made me so angry that she kept asking when am I coming back when really she needs to get on that plane and be there with her sister. Texting a friend is the last thing I’d be doing if I was in her shoes. I seriously fucking hate people that do shit like that. I’ve never felt so annoyed with anyone venting to me about shit but with her because I feel like she’s whining and nagging in her nice big house with her nice BMW and etc. Fucking bullshit rich people problem. UGH!
I’m starting to keep me healthy distance from her because I just can’t deal with her stupid bullshit especially for a grown ass adult. Get it together bitch. SMH…
One of my biggest fears of visiting home is knowing how discouraged I’ll get. This can apply to literally everything. I’ve been feeling a bit discouraged with my health, I feel like shutting everyone out again, and what’s hit me the hardest is how discouraged I am with work. I’m struggling with work pretty hard. I’m not performing as well and that is my own fault. The project that I am currently assigned to is truly the biggest mess that I’ve ever been a part of. It’s a mess with so many people on it and also my voice isn’t being heard. Every time I present, my work constantly keeps getting negative feedback and it’s like “WTF?!”. I’m delivering the necessary requirements, yet I keep getting shitted on. It’s beyond frustrating. I try to change my strategy so things could work better, but nope.
The other day while I was working remotely it was just REALLY awful. I was extremely exhausted from zero sleep on my flight and I knew I had to present my work. In the back of my mind, I knew that no matter how hard I try I knew I was just gonna get shitted on. I spoke too soon. I woke up at 6:00am and was running on 4 hours of sleeping trying to get the final bits of my design cleaned up and ready to share. I was pretty confident in my presentation and BAM! I got shitted on by each person on that call. Nothing but so many comments. Seriously, WTF? I don’t think I’m the best at what I do, but fuck I’m not that bad. I continued taking notes with a couple of useful feedback to work on my revisions. After that meeting ended, I sat there with my face in my hands and started crying…only for the manager on that project to message me to ask if he could call me. He called only to give me some more shit. I just didn’t really give a fuck anymore and just expressed my frustration with this project and how I hard I’m trying. Even though I was being pretty blunt, he didn’t seem to care what I had to say. I started crying even more after that call.
An hour later I had a daily stand up call with my team and sometimes these calls are whatever. Only myself and this guy B on my team had dialed in. The day before B had vented to my boss and I his frustrations with some of the work that he has been dealing with. Since we were all in need of venting, I had vented to B about the project that I am on. I felt very reassured that it wasn’t me and that the project that I am on is indeed a fucking mess. I’m on a team filled with engineers that doesn’t know shit about design. I told him how I was a bit hesitant to tell my boss about all of this, but he told me I should anyways. I decided to calm down and tell my boss about this the next day. He was understanding and doesn’t like the people that I have to deal with anyways. Luckily I was already in the process of getting transitioned off of this project and I just wish the process was much faster.
Despite the support from my boss and team, I’m having a hard time with everything. I’m trying my best to pull myself out of this dark hole. I told myself before that I can’t be like this again, but it’s very hard. As much as I enjoy being with my parents and seeing my close friends, I really need to get back to Cali to get myself together again. I just feel all of the seams falling apart the longer that I am here. My anxiety is getting pretty bad and I constantly feel like I am panicking. This will be my constant challenge every time I visit home and it’ll either get harder or easier on how well I can control it. Right now I feel so suffocated and I just want to leave already.
As the date got closer for my trip back to Boston, my stress and anxiety went up a lot. I’ve been working out 5 days a week to relieve this stress. I’m scared of going home to reality. Today I had a follow up appointment on the progress of my health. Good news is that I’m doing well. Bad news is that I need another medical procedure done when I return from Boston. I know what to expect but to go through it by myself is what I’m more afraid of instead of the pain. I took work off today because I was just a total emotional mess. I just laid in bed and tried to sleep off the emotions.
At the airport as I sat by the window and stared out aimlessly while waiting to board, I felt so much anxiety and was trying to hold back the tears. I was trying my best to calm myself down. My old work mom gave me a call and cue the waterworks. I started crying and venting to her. I was overwhelmed with everything and I continue to struggle yet try to figure out how to cope the best way possible.
Perhaps this really is a good time for me to return home to be with my family and friends. Honestly I just want a big hug from them to comfort me and to push aside the fears that I’ve kept to myself. When will I be okay again? When will my mom be okay again?
My job title means a lot to me. It’s what I’ve worked hard for to earn it over the years. Recently there has been a change to people’s job titles at work due to the merger. In my opinion, I think it’s so stupid. Essentially my title went from designer to engineer. For whatever reason, I got so mad and bothered by the change. It still bothers me. Nothing wrong with being an engineer but WHAT THE FUCK? The responsibilities that entails to what an engineer versus a designer is not the same. I design, I don’t fucking build things. It just pisses me off when people are so uneducated and go ahead to assume what I do and it’s a shame that a large corporate company that I work at can’t even understand the difference. I find it really insulting for the credibility that I hold in my skills.
Last night I got to hang out with C, the guy I had met in Portland. We were originally suppose to hang out on Sunday night, but plans got cancelled since he wasn’t feeling well. I was a bit bummed out but he felt really bad and promised that we’d hangout before I leave next week for Boston. Yesterday I had a pretty hectic day and he had texted me and asked if I was free last night since he was feeling much better. I decided to take him up on his offer since I didn’t have much planned besides just work and the gym. I had to rush my workout since I got sidetracked before the gym. Quickly went home to get ready and rushed off to the movies.
I was a bit nervous but not really. As I was walking towards him, I started feeling a bit shy and giddy to see him. It was really cute the way he was standing there and waiting for me. Strange, I know. He was really nice and got the movie tickets. He had gone with his friends to see ‘Logan’ last week and I wanted to go see it. He was really nice and didn’t mind seeing it again with me so that was sweet of him. As we made our way to the designated theater and got our seats, I felt even more shy to be so close to him. Seriously, what is wrong with me? lol.
While we were watching the movie, I just started feeling comfortable around him. At one point I was so close to leaning on him, but I caught myself and sat up straight. I was partially tired since I had a really long day and I was exhausted. When the movie ended, he was really nice and walked me to my car. Every time one of us would say something we wouldn’t look at each other lol. We were both kinda sorta shy around each other but the more we talked, I just found myself feeling like a giddy school girl. I found him to be really charming and it was just so refreshing to be around someone like him. The shy me comes out if I really like someone and it’s a bit embarrassing haha.
When we got to my car, we ended the night with a very awkward hug and hopefully plans for when I return from my trip. My day had started out pretty chaotic and stressful at work and on my drive home from work, I suddenly felt sad and teary eyed thinking about my mom and my upcoming trip home. Things has been so stressful for me and relieving it at the gym is one thing. But to be around C, I oddly felt so safe and comforted by being in his company. I really don’t know where this will go and that’s okay. I’m enjoying this moment.
As I got ready for bed, I just felt so cheesy and happy that I didn’t want to go to sleep. I texted a couple of my close friends to let them know how it went and how I felt, While laying in bed, I kept thinking to myself that I wanted to see him again and I want to learn more about him. I didn’t consider our hang out as a date, but it kinda felt like it. I honestly haven’t felt this way about anyone in a very long time and it’s refreshing to feel this way for someone again. Truthfully, I wasn’t sure if I could feel the way that I do for anyone again since it has been so long and most of the guys I’ve met weren’t up to par. Glad the butterflies are still there. 🙂