Cold Dreams

I went to bed pretty early last night since I’m trying to wake up at a more consistent time and I had a lot of things to get done today. I woke up at 3AM from having a dream about PC. I woke up feeling so confused and just got some water, shook it off and went back to bed…only to continue the  dream. Apparently we were in an apartment complex/hotel and he was staying across the hall from me and oddly my parents were in the dream, too. I was hanging out with my parents and when I opened the door to leave, I see PC across the hall. My mom welcomed him to come over, which was weird. It was really awkward. I just remember feeling so hurt and sad in that moment. PC went back across the hall and this is where I kept waking up and falling back asleep into the dream. Weird shit. I remember seeing him with some girls and I got really upset. Then he told me he was telling them how much he needed me. There was just a lot of back and forth of warm and cold coming from him. I just remember right before I finally woke up, I just felt so much coldness from him. He told me he didn’t want me and some other hurtful things. I woke up feeling really sad because it all felt so real.

It was the most bizarre dream that I’ve ever had especially about him. I’d be lying if he hasn’t crossed my mind lately. Since it is Lunar New Year, I suddenly remembered how he had texted me Happy New Year a couple years ago. I really don’t want to make a big deal about it, yet some how it is. While I was out yesterday running some errands, I just kept thinking about him. I shouldn’t care. I want to let go. So much time has passed and yet he still comes to mind here and there. FUCKING WHY?!  This is really getting to be super pathetic. At some point during my day today while I was trying to do some work, I felt so frustrated with myself for even letting these feelings and thoughts get to me since I really want to get him out of my system and that dream just really bothered me, that I started crying. I know that we’ll never speak to each other again and he has probably moved on. That’s the truth that I have to face yet throughout the hard times that I’ve been put through last year, I wish he was there. Out of all the people, I don’t know why HIM specifically. I can’t really recall feeling the way that I did for another guy after him. I’ve had people throughout my life say incredibly shitty things to me whether they were strangers or close friends, but I think the worst part was how cold was to me. To have that lingering along with his words is just plain hurtful.

I really just want to forget about him already.

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