Happy Tears

After meeting with a specialist last week and getting a really unexpected and sudden medical procedure done, I had found myself getting teary eyed right before I walked out of the appointment. I sat in my car just crying my eyes out. Not like I learned anything new about what’s wrong, but the doctor’s words in describing what was wrong was repeating in my mind continuously and to have this medical procedure be done the next day freaked me the fuck out. I felt so alone because I really had no one to go with me or to even help me. That really got me so upset. I was pretty down that day and I had a big fear that I was going to shut everyone out again. I had plans later that night to attend a design event and even though I wasn’t in the best spirits, I sucked it up and went. I realized it would be easier to hide in the dark than to walk into the light. Even though my friend and I missed half of the event, it was nice to get out and connect with other designers. It helped ease my mind temporarily for me to not think about my health…until I drove home. I got really scared and as much as I didn’t want to, I asked my landlord if he was free to come with me to my medical procedure. I just needed someone to help me drive after I was done. That was it. I foolishly thought about taking an Uber after I was done, but the thought of getting in a car with a stranger after getting something like that done freaked me out even more. Luckily my landlord is such a great guy and agreed to come along with me. That helped ease my stress and anxiety. Physically I’m feeling a bit better and I’m on this journey of healing. It’s going to be a long work in progress, but there is progress at least.

Last night I had gotten together with my old team and since one of them has moved to SoCal and was in town and my birthday is coming up, it was perfect timing for us to get together. I was really happy to see all of them and for us to all be together having a great time. I think we all really needed it. When I got to the bar, my friend surprised me with cupcakes. But while on her way to the bar, walking in the rain, she dropped the box of cupcakes and they all ended up on one side of the box when I opened it up. She freaked out so bad when she gave them to me. But I just kept laughing so hard and honestly, I kinda expected something like that to happen. Of course I wasn’t mad at all about this. It was a sweet yet funny gesture. I got a really sweet card from another friend. I am a sucker for cards and letters. When I read it at the bar, I almost started crying. It was very touching. My “work mom” got me this fancy YSL nail polish and oddly I was going to paint my nails that specific color she got me, too. Overall, great time catching up and I am very grateful for the gifts that they got me.

I remember when I got home last night, I sat on the end of my bed reading the birthday card again and again and again. I started crying because not only is this friend so good to me, but sometimes we all just need to hear those words of endearment regardless if things are good or bad right now. Today after my follow up appointment and running another test with my doctor, he told me I’m on the path of getting better. Again, I’ve walked out of this office and into my car crying but this time these were happy tears. It’s been refreshing to cry but to cry out some happy tears finally. My loved ones has given me so much hope that after being dragged into hell and back from last year, things will be okay. When you get so much bad news in such a short span of time and so frequently, it’s just a shocker that there’s ever any good news coming your way. It makes me so emotional to know I’ll be okay. I’m not 100%, but I will be and to continue focusing on my health. I just want to continue moving forward in this positive direction.

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