The title of this post is pretty self-explanatory. For quite some time I’ve felt this way about my current job. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate it. I’m just bored. I’m eager to want to learn more, to contribute more and to simply be valued. I’m just not really getting any of that. This job is still a huge transition for me. To work even more independently than I ever have as well as adapting to a team and boss that is practically 100% remote. I knew what I was getting myself into when I came on board and this was a challenge that I was ready to take on. I am definitely grateful to have a supportive boss that has so much trust in me and to work with a team filled with really smart and talented people. Sometimes we all feel a bit greedy and selfish and just crave for more.
I’ve felt a bit uninspired and unmotivated due to all of those things so I’m really trying to pick up my own weight and get it together. I’ve been searching for design events to go to, which there’s an abundance of in the Bay Area. Searching and signing up to go is one thing, but to actually show up is another. I’m making it a much more conscious effort to show up and to stop being so antisocial when it comes to these things. As I’ve gotten “older” now, I really don’t care to mingle with others like I used to back in Boston. I used to be a social butterfly and I enjoyed it. Now I feel like that cranky old lady that just wants everyone to fuck off haha.
Last week I went to a design event that was hosted right across the street from my office, so I really couldn’t skip out on that one. But that day I worked from home and wasn’t in the mood. I cringed at the thought of getting ready to go, but did so anyways. Got myself together, grabbed my business cards and just sucked it up. When I got there, it was 5 minutes before the presentation started. I immediately went to the bar and had myself a couple glasses of wine just to put myself at ease. I started chatting with the girl next to me, chatted with a couple people that were standing around waiting to chat with the UX director and to exchange business cards, and I unexpectedly ran into this guy that I went to college with whom I had design classes with. It was an interesting and productive night. I was proud of myself for going and expanding my network.
I think in the back of my mind I’m scared that this won’t last long. Oddly in the first time in my career, I’m lacking a bit of confidence in myself as a designer. I have doubts that I can’t hold my own or to excel to my best potential. Most creatives (and non-creatives) run into this “creative block” and I like to refer to it as a design funk. My goals this year was to attend design events, carry my Fujifilm x100t around more, and find new cafes to work remotely/read. They’re pretty straight forward goals. For now, I’m trying my best to keep myself as inspired and motivated as I can.
I went to bed pretty early last night since I’m trying to wake up at a more consistent time and I had a lot of things to get done today. I woke up at 3AM from having a dream about PC. I woke up feeling so confused and just got some water, shook it off and went back to bed…only to continue the dream. Apparently we were in an apartment complex/hotel and he was staying across the hall from me and oddly my parents were in the dream, too. I was hanging out with my parents and when I opened the door to leave, I see PC across the hall. My mom welcomed him to come over, which was weird. It was really awkward. I just remember feeling so hurt and sad in that moment. PC went back across the hall and this is where I kept waking up and falling back asleep into the dream. Weird shit. I remember seeing him with some girls and I got really upset. Then he told me he was telling them how much he needed me. There was just a lot of back and forth of warm and cold coming from him. I just remember right before I finally woke up, I just felt so much coldness from him. He told me he didn’t want me and some other hurtful things. I woke up feeling really sad because it all felt so real.
It was the most bizarre dream that I’ve ever had especially about him. I’d be lying if he hasn’t crossed my mind lately. Since it is Lunar New Year, I suddenly remembered how he had texted me Happy New Year a couple years ago. I really don’t want to make a big deal about it, yet some how it is. While I was out yesterday running some errands, I just kept thinking about him. I shouldn’t care. I want to let go. So much time has passed and yet he still comes to mind here and there. FUCKING WHY?! This is really getting to be super pathetic. At some point during my day today while I was trying to do some work, I felt so frustrated with myself for even letting these feelings and thoughts get to me since I really want to get him out of my system and that dream just really bothered me, that I started crying. I know that we’ll never speak to each other again and he has probably moved on. That’s the truth that I have to face yet throughout the hard times that I’ve been put through last year, I wish he was there. Out of all the people, I don’t know why HIM specifically. I can’t really recall feeling the way that I did for another guy after him. I’ve had people throughout my life say incredibly shitty things to me whether they were strangers or close friends, but I think the worst part was how cold was to me. To have that lingering along with his words is just plain hurtful.
I really just want to forget about him already.
After meeting with a specialist last week and getting a really unexpected and sudden medical procedure done, I had found myself getting teary eyed right before I walked out of the appointment. I sat in my car just crying my eyes out. Not like I learned anything new about what’s wrong, but the doctor’s words in describing what was wrong was repeating in my mind continuously and to have this medical procedure be done the next day freaked me the fuck out. I felt so alone because I really had no one to go with me or to even help me. That really got me so upset. I was pretty down that day and I had a big fear that I was going to shut everyone out again. I had plans later that night to attend a design event and even though I wasn’t in the best spirits, I sucked it up and went. I realized it would be easier to hide in the dark than to walk into the light. Even though my friend and I missed half of the event, it was nice to get out and connect with other designers. It helped ease my mind temporarily for me to not think about my health…until I drove home. I got really scared and as much as I didn’t want to, I asked my landlord if he was free to come with me to my medical procedure. I just needed someone to help me drive after I was done. That was it. I foolishly thought about taking an Uber after I was done, but the thought of getting in a car with a stranger after getting something like that done freaked me out even more. Luckily my landlord is such a great guy and agreed to come along with me. That helped ease my stress and anxiety. Physically I’m feeling a bit better and I’m on this journey of healing. It’s going to be a long work in progress, but there is progress at least.
Last night I had gotten together with my old team and since one of them has moved to SoCal and was in town and my birthday is coming up, it was perfect timing for us to get together. I was really happy to see all of them and for us to all be together having a great time. I think we all really needed it. When I got to the bar, my friend surprised me with cupcakes. But while on her way to the bar, walking in the rain, she dropped the box of cupcakes and they all ended up on one side of the box when I opened it up. She freaked out so bad when she gave them to me. But I just kept laughing so hard and honestly, I kinda expected something like that to happen. Of course I wasn’t mad at all about this. It was a sweet yet funny gesture. I got a really sweet card from another friend. I am a sucker for cards and letters. When I read it at the bar, I almost started crying. It was very touching. My “work mom” got me this fancy YSL nail polish and oddly I was going to paint my nails that specific color she got me, too. Overall, great time catching up and I am very grateful for the gifts that they got me.
I remember when I got home last night, I sat on the end of my bed reading the birthday card again and again and again. I started crying because not only is this friend so good to me, but sometimes we all just need to hear those words of endearment regardless if things are good or bad right now. Today after my follow up appointment and running another test with my doctor, he told me I’m on the path of getting better. Again, I’ve walked out of this office and into my car crying but this time these were happy tears. It’s been refreshing to cry but to cry out some happy tears finally. My loved ones has given me so much hope that after being dragged into hell and back from last year, things will be okay. When you get so much bad news in such a short span of time and so frequently, it’s just a shocker that there’s ever any good news coming your way. It makes me so emotional to know I’ll be okay. I’m not 100%, but I will be and to continue focusing on my health. I just want to continue moving forward in this positive direction.