One more hour left until the new year is here. I spent my NYE as a pretty productive yet low key day. I’m dealing with this annoying cold/cough that won’t go away so I went to have hot pot for lunch to cure this cold. Then I ran some errands, finished reading a book at a coffee shop, marked up some things in my new planner that I bought, laundry and picked up sushi take out for dinner. I had a few more things to do but since I’m not feeling well I can just hold off until tomorrow or later this week. I just wanted peace and quiet to myself all day. Got to video chat with my parents tonight, which was really nice since it’s been awhile. I surprised my mom with telling her that I had literally just purchased my flight to come visit home in March so I can go with her to her next doctor’s appointment. The smile on her face was everything for me and I can’t wait to see my parents.
A few weeks ago I got my MRI results from my doctor. A call that I had dreaded so much but it caused me so much stress, such as teeth clenching and lack of sleep. I knew that seeing my doctor I wouldn’t be getting any good news especially getting my MRI done. With all of the bad shit that has happened to me this year, I might as well get this out of the way. When I saw her name show up on my phone when it rang, I cringed. She spoke to me in that tone where she had to break some bad news to me. I asked questions, I was confused, I was angry, etc. As soon as I hung up, I cried so loud in my room. I didn’t care if anyone heard me. It was the cherry on top for my frequent bad news that I kept getting throughout 2016. I called close friends and just lost it. In that moment, I really felt like it was the end of the world. I felt like I was being punished in so many ways and was convinced that I was this bad person that deserved this. I was so angry with myself that this really proved that I couldn’t take care of myself, but reality was that I couldn’t prevent it anyways.
After receiving the bad news, my trip to Seattle for Christmas was approaching. I was looking forward to getting out of town and to clear my mind. For whatever reason when I go to Seattle, I notice how calm I am there and when I came back from my trip. Being there helped me reflect on a lot of things. As much of a horrible year it has been for me, I’m glad I can feel relatively okay again on the last day of this year. It’s been so crazy and I’ve never experienced THIS much bad news or just horrible shit happening to me within a short span of time. It was a lot and I didn’t know how to handle news yet alone my emotions. My simple solution was to briefly shut everyone out. I’m slowly trying to come out of this dark hole and for now baby steps for me is fine.
I sit in bed tonight writing this post, slowly waiting for 2017 to approach and to just be hopeful that things will be better. I hope for everyone in my life, especially my mom to be happier and healthier. That’s all I ever wanted regardless what year it is for my loved ones. It’s weird to not feel so suffocated like how I used to. Somewhere between the time when my doctor called and during my trip in Seattle, I felt like I just let go of all the bad things that has happened and in an effortless way. I’m still a bit sensitive about my last trip back to Boston with my granduncle passing, but right now in the moment I know I’m okay. I’ve thought a lot about my close friends, both in Boston and Cali, and how supportive they’ve been during this shit show. There really aren’t enough words to express my gratitude to these extremely kind and humble people. I love them all unconditionally and how they’ve helped guide me throughout the year.
It’s safe to say this year has changed me in so many ways. I experienced this crazy heartache with my mom’s diagnosis alongside with my granduncle’s passing and that just really struck a cord with me. Since then I don’t feel like myself. I have a different perspective on life now and it has nothing to do with death. It’s hard to explain or to really pinpoint what this “thing” is. Anyways, I’m looking forward to getting better and to improve myself.
I hope everyone has a much happier new year as well.