Fuck 2016

One more hour left until the new year is here. I spent my NYE as a pretty productive yet low key day. I’m dealing with this annoying cold/cough that won’t go away so I went to have hot pot for lunch to cure this cold. Then I ran some errands, finished reading a book at a coffee shop, marked up some things in my new planner that I bought, laundry and picked up sushi take out for dinner. I had a few more things to do but since I’m not feeling well I can just hold off until tomorrow or later this week. I just wanted peace and quiet to myself all day. Got to video chat with my parents tonight, which was really nice since it’s been awhile. I surprised my mom with telling her that I had literally just purchased my flight to come visit home in March so I can go with her to her next doctor’s appointment. The smile on her face was everything for me and I can’t wait to see my parents.

A few weeks ago I got my MRI results from my doctor. A call that I had dreaded so much but it caused me so much stress, such as teeth clenching and lack of sleep. I knew that seeing my doctor I wouldn’t be getting any good news especially getting my MRI done. With all of the bad shit that has happened to me this year, I might as well get this out of the way. When I saw her name show up on my phone when it rang, I cringed. She spoke to me in that tone where she had to break some bad news to me. I asked questions, I was confused, I was angry, etc. As soon as I hung up, I cried so loud in my room. I didn’t care if anyone heard me. It was the cherry on top for my frequent bad news that I kept getting throughout 2016. I called close friends and just lost it. In that moment, I really felt like it was the end of the world. I felt like I was being punished in so many ways and was convinced that I was this bad person that deserved this. I was so angry with myself that this really proved that I couldn’t take care of myself, but reality was that I couldn’t prevent it anyways.

After receiving the bad news, my trip to Seattle for Christmas was approaching. I was looking forward to getting out of town and to clear my mind. For whatever reason when I go to Seattle, I notice how calm I am there and when I came back from my trip. Being there helped me reflect on a lot of things. As much of a horrible year it has been for me, I’m glad I can feel relatively okay again on the last day of this year. It’s been so crazy and I’ve never experienced THIS much bad news or just horrible shit happening to me within a short span of time. It was a lot and I didn’t know how to handle news yet alone my emotions. My simple solution was to briefly shut everyone out. I’m slowly trying to come out of this dark hole and for now baby steps for me is fine.

I sit in bed tonight writing this post, slowly waiting for 2017 to approach and to just be hopeful that things will be better. I hope for everyone in my life, especially my mom to be happier and healthier. That’s all I ever wanted regardless what year it is for my loved ones. It’s weird to not feel so suffocated like how I used to. Somewhere between the time when my doctor called and during my trip in Seattle, I felt like I just let go of all the bad things that has happened and in an effortless way. I’m still a bit sensitive about my last trip back to Boston with my granduncle passing, but right now in the moment I know I’m okay. I’ve thought a lot about my close friends, both in Boston and Cali, and how supportive they’ve been during this shit show. There really aren’t enough words to express my gratitude to these extremely kind and humble people. I love them all unconditionally and how they’ve helped guide me throughout the year.

It’s safe to say this year has changed me in so many ways. I experienced this crazy heartache with my mom’s diagnosis alongside with my granduncle’s passing and that just really struck a cord with me. Since then I don’t feel like myself. I have a different perspective on life now and it has nothing to do with death. It’s hard to explain or to really pinpoint what this “thing” is. Anyways, I’m looking forward to getting better and to improve myself.

I hope everyone has a much happier new year as well.

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Teeth Clenching

I had gone to the dentist a few months ago to get some dental work done because I was grinding the shit out of my teeth. Lately I noticed that my jaw was hurting again and came to realization that I’ve been clenching my teeth really bad. I catch myself doing it quite often, but it’s gotten painful to even drink water. WTF? I bought a night guard to prevent myself from clenching my teeth both when I’m awake and asleep. After I was close to finishing making the night guard, I was gagging when I was wearing it. It was so uncomfortable. Immediately tossed it in the trash and I really don’t want to go through that again.

Really hoping I don’t have to resort to using that shit again as I’m waiting for my close friend’s dental advice. This sucks and my jaw hurts…

Sunday Ramblings

Haven’t had too much to say since my last post was about going to Boston for Thanksgiving. As predicted in my previous post, I came back feeling worst. The first day back was awful. I was a mess after having a disagreement with my close friend. Sometimes not everyone is looking for advice for whatever that they’re venting about and that was me. I didn’t want advice or anything. I just wanted to get things off of my chest in-person with my friends and not through text messages. I remember after that discussion, I had really wanted to just crawl into a hole and shut everyone out. I felt very misunderstood and it’s just a lot for me to take in. It’s okay if no one understands, but cut me some fucking slack. My overall trip wasn’t entirely horrible. It’s always good to see my close friends and my parents. I think the only time I felt so at peace was going to one of my favorite museums in Boston, the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum. Such a beautiful spot and definitely worth checking out. It was just so peaceful there and I was putting my new camera into use which was fun. It was just a very chill Sunday afternoon at the museum.

When I got back from Boston, I was very relieved that I had booked my trip to Seattle for Christmas. That seems the be the case now whenever I go back to Boston, I go to Seattle afterwards. Seattle is a very calm place for me and I enjoy it very much. I just felt so much stress from Boston and it’s exhausting. I’ve been trying my best to not hide away from my small social circle here. My friend from Boston that lives in Cali, L invited me out to go dancing in SF. I know it’ll be a guaranteed good time, which wasn’t the problem. I was the problem. I’m not myself. I forced myself as much as I didn’t want to. I opted out of having drinks at L’s friends place before we hit up the bar. The thought of having to sit around with people that I don’t know so well was causing me so much anxiety and stress. I didn’t want to be awkward and the more effort for me to put into conversations that I don’t care for would only make me feel worst. Nonetheless, I had a good time that night and I’m glad I forced myself to go.

I decided to get together with my previous team since they understand a lot more of what I’m going through. It was refreshing to grab drinks with them and to catch up. I feel like they’re my older relatives that I look up to since I am the youngest in the group. During that get together, I realized that I wasn’t the only one that really needed a night out like that. They needed it just as much as I did. We tend to have very open discussions with each other, but that night we all shared something so personal and deep with each other. It was very comforting that we can talk so freely with each other and to not be judged.

Since that night I was feeling a little bit better up until the past couple days. I noticed how down I’m feeling. Not sure if it’s the holiday blues and with the holidays here and being single, the loneliness catches up to you. I have made a minor attempt in dating again and I kinda want to close that door for awhile. The more I try, the more anxiety I get. I was talking to this one guy for like 2 days and I just cut him out real quick. Sure he was probably a nice guy and I was just being an asshole and ghosted on him because of my own issues. I’m forcing something to happen and reality is that I’m just not into him or any of this dating shenanigans. I don’t want to be emotional baggage for anyone and vice versa.

I’ve been thinking about my past relationships and I hate to be that person dwelling on the past, but I miss how I once felt with those guys. I haven’t felt that certain way with anyone in a long time and I’m scared I won’t ever feel it again. My birthday is a month away and I get pretty upset to get older. To get older and be single, it’s not the best feeling ever. I just want to settle down with someone already. I want to be in a humble, long term relationship. When I think about a couple guys from my past, I wish it had worked out but obviously there’s a reason why it didn’t work out. I don’t just want to be with someone because of what I’m going through right now in my life, but just to have someone to hold my hand would be nice so I can be reassured that everything will be okay.

Onto less Debbie Downer news, I got to finally meet 2 guys from my team that’s based in Colorado. While they were in town, we went out to eat Korean BBQ since my boss was treating. It was all of their first time having Korean BBQ. Luckily they enjoyed it and it was just nice to finally hang out with them. Hopefully I’ll get to go to Colorado to meet the rest of the crew. Also, I’ve thought about seeing a different chiropractor or just stopping the sessions entirely. I feel like my chiropractor gossips and talks too much. Nice lady, but I get so annoyed when people try to dig into my privacy. I might get continue going to her until the end of this month and figure out what to do next. My previous job that kinda sorta fucked me over had reached out to me to do some design work for them. If it wasn’t for the person that had reached out to me I wouldn’t do it, but I might as well try to milk out all of the money that they’re paying me while I can. No harm in getting extra cash in your pocket. I just think it’s ridiculous that they still reach out to me for help yet my old team is still there. That speaks volumes. Since I had originally planned to go to Seattle by myself, my friend will be joining which will be nice to have some company. I think it’ll be good for the both of us to get out of town since he has his own shit that he’s been dealing with. I usually like watching the Nutcracker ballet and was looking for tickets to see that while I was in Seattle, but I found something better. Burlesque Nutcracker! It sounds intriguing and it’s not something you see that often. I’m glad JH will be coming with me to that. Not sure what to expect, but it can’t be too bad right?

Anyways, I got a stack of Christmas cards that I need to start writing. Good night!