Scared of Home

Tomorrow night I’m flying back to Boston for Thanksgiving. It’s my usual annual yet obligatory trip home every year. I’m generally pretty excited for the get together’s that my friends and I have aka Friendsgiving. This year there won’t be one due to my friend renovating her new home. Plus, with how things went during my visit back in September, I’m really scared and still hurt. It was such a traumatic trip for me, that I’m having a lot of anxiety as the countdown begins for me to pack and get on that plane. I’m not too thrilled about going home. I don’t see it as home anymore, which is a sad thing for me to say since I’ve spent a good chunk of my life there. It was my safety blanket when things got hard for me in Cali. I felt like I could always come home to open arms and be comforted by my family and friends. Of course I still get that treatment, but it’s just not the same anymore. It’s kind of become this place filled with bad memories and for me to go back only rekindles these memories and emotions.

I struggle everyday with coping and grieving. I have my good and my bad days and I constantly remind myself that I need to take it slow. I was doing fine 2 weeks ago, but right now I’m having a hard time. It’s a lot for me to face my family and close friends and to pretend to be okay. I had made plans with a few close friends. Nothing crazy. I’ve made it clear that I would prefer it to just be 1 on 1 and not a large group at all. I want to be pretty low key during my visit. But a part of me wants to cancel my plans and to just hide away at my parents place. Sounds really pathetic, but it’s exhausting for me to try to have a good time with friends and I feel my mind getting so stressed out from it all. It’s not my friend’s fault at all. It’s just me and my anxiety. My friends are being understanding and supportive, which I am absolutely so grateful about. Yet at the same time I strongly feel like they don’t understand how I’m feeling and I don’t expect them to. I just kind of want to hide away and not be bothered to explain myself to anyone. It sounds mean but it’s just very painful for me to be around my friends and even my parents. Don’t get me wrong, I love them all very deeply. I am just not okay.

I’m also scared that I will come back just as damaged as I did last time. It was just so painful and I can’t shake that off still. I don’t enjoy feeling like this at all, but fuck who does? I just want to get my trip done and over with. I’m valuing my alone time that I have left before I leave. I just want peace and quiet. Who doesn’t want to protect themselves from getting cut any deeper? I feel so selfish, but I really need to focus on taking care of myself.

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