Scared of Home

Tomorrow night I’m flying back to Boston for Thanksgiving. It’s my usual annual yet obligatory trip home every year. I’m generally pretty excited for the get together’s that my friends and I have aka Friendsgiving. This year there won’t be one due to my friend renovating her new home. Plus, with how things went during my visit back in September, I’m really scared and still hurt. It was such a traumatic trip for me, that I’m having a lot of anxiety as the countdown begins for me to pack and get on that plane. I’m not too thrilled about going home. I don’t see it as home anymore, which is a sad thing for me to say since I’ve spent a good chunk of my life there. It was my safety blanket when things got hard for me in Cali. I felt like I could always come home to open arms and be comforted by my family and friends. Of course I still get that treatment, but it’s just not the same anymore. It’s kind of become this place filled with bad memories and for me to go back only rekindles these memories and emotions.

I struggle everyday with coping and grieving. I have my good and my bad days and I constantly remind myself that I need to take it slow. I was doing fine 2 weeks ago, but right now I’m having a hard time. It’s a lot for me to face my family and close friends and to pretend to be okay. I had made plans with a few close friends. Nothing crazy. I’ve made it clear that I would prefer it to just be 1 on 1 and not a large group at all. I want to be pretty low key during my visit. But a part of me wants to cancel my plans and to just hide away at my parents place. Sounds really pathetic, but it’s exhausting for me to try to have a good time with friends and I feel my mind getting so stressed out from it all. It’s not my friend’s fault at all. It’s just me and my anxiety. My friends are being understanding and supportive, which I am absolutely so grateful about. Yet at the same time I strongly feel like they don’t understand how I’m feeling and I don’t expect them to. I just kind of want to hide away and not be bothered to explain myself to anyone. It sounds mean but it’s just very painful for me to be around my friends and even my parents. Don’t get me wrong, I love them all very deeply. I am just not okay.

I’m also scared that I will come back just as damaged as I did last time. It was just so painful and I can’t shake that off still. I don’t enjoy feeling like this at all, but fuck who does? I just want to get my trip done and over with. I’m valuing my alone time that I have left before I leave. I just want peace and quiet. Who doesn’t want to protect themselves from getting cut any deeper? I feel so selfish, but I really need to focus on taking care of myself.


Dreading the Doctor

I haven’t seen a doctor in a long time. Horrible, I know. Like most people, we all dread it because it’s a pain in the ass and no good news ever comes out during these appointments. However, I’m noticing some things in my health and I’m concerned. I’ve come to a realization that I need to see an actual doctor because no matter how often I go see my chiropractor, getting poked with needles by my acupuncturist, or how much medicine I take, I cannot fix it. I can’t self diagnose myself anymore and guess what’s the appropriate remedy. I’ve been so stubborn to go and at this rate with how much bad news has come my way this past year, might as well go to the doctor and get it over with. I’m not taking as good care of myself as I should. I’ll take a few steps forward when I try, but when I stop I feel like I’m back at start again. As 2016 is gradually coming to an end, this is my way of prepping for 2017…even if I have the baggage of bad news to carry into the upcoming new year. I’m not getting any younger and my health is my priority right now. I have a lot of anxiety for what news the doctor will tell me tomorrow. Maybe it will be nothing or maybe there will be something. I really won’t know until I go. I’m terrified and my stress is increasing.

I can only hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Not So Pleasant Dreams

A few nights ago I couldn’t fall asleep until 5:00AM and I had to wake up at 8ish AM to work, granted I was working from home but still. I remember it took place in Seattle and this shitty person from my past that I used to like was in it. We’ll just refer to this person as POS. It was odd that we were both in Seattle at the hotel that I enjoy staying at because he’s not even from Seattle nor have we ever been there together. Anyways, I was staying at my usual hotel in Seattle but in the dream the hotel seemed even bigger. I was walking around inside the hotel and noticed POS. We both stared at each other and he smiled at me. I just continued walking and somehow we were walking next to each other. He started saying really shitty things to me and how he was there with his fiancée. Everything he was saying to me he was smiling and just being a total dick to me. I just remember feeling so hurt in this dream. Later in the dream I saw POS and his fiancée just being so happy together and laughing. Then I noticed this other girl next to me looking at them, too. It was weird. I think she realized that she was getting played by him as well. The dream ended there.

No sleeping pills or any type of sleep aid was involved this time around when I had this dream. I’m not sure what made POS come to mind. Definitely haven’t thought about him or anything.  I remember waking up feeling so sad and confused as to why he was even in my dream. I was reminded of how hurt I was by him and how incredibly shitty he is.