Relaxing and sleeping hasn’t been in my favor. It’s been difficult for me to focus on work. I feel like I’m looking at a blank screen and I just can’t think. I took work off yesterday because I needed a break. I needed to just disconnect from work for the day, but I ended up laying in bed all day vegging out. I was so out of it just laying there. At a point I tried to snap myself out of it and thought to myself “what the fuck is wrong with you? why are you fucking this up?”. I made sure I would get to bed extremely early since it takes me a few hours to fall asleep. Took some sleeping pills and got into bed at 8pm to see if I can sleep at all. Sleeping pills and anything hasn’t worked on me, but I needed to give it a try. I haven’t had a good night sleep in a very long time until last night.
Sometimes when I look at my Jawbone app to see how I slept, it can range from 3-10 times that I woke up in the middle of the night. When I checked today, I woke up zero times during the middle of the night. That’s a first. I remember waking up feeling so comforted. I remember my dream so vividly. Some part of it took place in Boston and the rest I’m not too sure. I remember seeing my shitty relatives that I had seen at my granduncle’s funeral in my dream. They were shouting at me as I walked by them. The faster I tried to walk away from them, I felt very sad but I just kept it moving.
I was on my way to meet a guy for like a first date or something. I don’t know who this guy is, but he felt like someone I knew yet a stranger at the same time. Weird, I know. It was like we were meeting for the first time or it was almost like a reunion. He was very sweet and saying a lot of nice things to me and I remember feeling so shy around him. I tend to only get shy if I really like someone, so it’s a rarity. We were sitting outside and we were holding each other. I remember he had a half tattoo sleeve and I was running my fingers along his arm as if I was tracing the lines. We didn’t say much but just held each other. It was a very sweet moment. That whole moment with this guy felt so real.
When I woke up it was the first time I didn’t feel like shit. I felt okay. I didn’t feel miserable or anything. Is it weird that I feel like something like this happened in my past, yet it never has? Whatever it was, it briefly made me feel like I’ll be okay. I don’t know. Maybe I should lay off of the sleeping pills.