I got back from Seattle last night after spending the long weekend there by myself. It was my first trip where I was by myself and I actually had a great time. Even though I enjoyed myself and as my trip was coming to an end, I felt really sad. I was sad to leave since I’ve grown a fondness for it, but once again PC came to mind. I just want to be able to come back to Seattle without him ever crossing my mind. It’s like the more you try to disregard it, the more it’s in your face. This time around I found myself with more thoughts of how he treated me instead of the much more happier, pleasant thoughts of him. Unfortunately, it still really hurts and I just really want to let it all go. It’s sad when the much more fonder memories that you remember is glazed over with how cold someone can be. When do the thoughts and remnants of feelings go away? Does it ever? How much longer? It’s been so long since we’ve spoken and I just want him out of my system. It’s just pathetic at this point for any of this to still linger.
Both times when I had left the airport in Seattle to go to my hotel and leaving my hotel to go to the airport, I sat by the window seat and stared out aimlessly. My chest felt so heavy and oddly enough I felt like crying and letting it all out. I felt this weird comfort blanket while I was in Seattle. I haven’t cried since I came back from Boston nearly 3-4 weeks ago. I remember the night I came back, which was the same day of my granduncle’s funeral, I had taken a long shower to calm me down. Once the lights were off and I was in bed, I cried so hard and I just wanted to let it all out. I didn’t want to be in that position again, but tonight I find myself crying like that again. It’s been very difficult for me to simply be myself. It was so painful for me to return to work and to keep it moving. It’s still an adjustment for me and I just don’t want to come off not performing well because of family matters.
During my trip in Seattle I felt like I was being more of my old positive and productive self. I worked out everyday during my entire trip and hung out at coffee shops reading like I used to. I haven’t worked out in so long and it was refreshing. So far I’m sticking to my routine. I haven’t gone out to a coffee shop to read in awhile because I just wanted to isolate myself. I’m trying to pull myself out of this hole and to take better care of myself. I talk to my parents, especially my mom every single day. I try my best to be as supportive as I can, but it’s hard for me. I hate to sound so selfish by saying that and of course I want to make her smile and do anything that I can to take away any of her pain, but I wish she didn’t have leukemia. Last week while I was at the eye doctor’s and with having to be asked routine questions on medical history in my family, I cringed. When the guy asked about cancer in the family, I was legit going to start crying my eyes out right there when I had to answer him. When do you feel “okay” to answer that question?
Since being back from Boston, I have my good and bad days. Today is a bad day and I’m sure I’ll have more days like this. I think mentally I’m trying my hardest to make everything better again and it’s so overwhelming that I started crying. So I ask again, when does this heartache go away? How much longer will I have to deal with this? Will this ever go away?