Comforting Dream

Relaxing and sleeping hasn’t been in my favor. It’s been difficult for me to focus on work. I feel like I’m looking at a blank screen and I just can’t think. I took work off yesterday because I needed a break. I needed to just disconnect from work for the day, but I ended up laying in bed all day vegging out. I was so out of it just laying there. At a point I tried to snap myself out of it and thought to myself “what the fuck is wrong with you? why are you fucking this up?”. I made sure I would get to bed extremely early since it takes me a few hours to fall asleep. Took some sleeping pills and got into bed at 8pm to see if I can sleep at all. Sleeping pills and anything hasn’t worked on me, but I needed to give it a try. I haven’t had a good night sleep in a very long time until last night.

Sometimes when I look at my Jawbone app to see how I slept, it can range from 3-10 times that I woke up in the middle of the night. When I checked today, I woke up zero times during the middle of the night. That’s a first. I remember waking up feeling so comforted. I remember my dream so vividly. Some part of it took place in Boston and the rest I’m not too sure. I remember seeing my shitty relatives that I had seen at my granduncle’s funeral in my dream. They were shouting at me as I walked by them. The faster I tried to walk away from them, I felt very sad but I just kept it moving.

I was on my way to meet a guy for like a first date or something. I don’t know who this guy is, but he felt like someone I knew yet a stranger at the same time. Weird, I know. It was like we were meeting for the first time or it was almost like a reunion. He was very sweet and saying a lot of nice things to me and I remember feeling so shy around him. I tend to only get shy if I really like someone, so it’s a rarity. We were sitting outside and we were holding each other. I remember he had a half tattoo sleeve and I was running my fingers along his arm as if I was tracing the lines. We didn’t say much but just held each other. It was a very sweet moment. That whole moment with this guy felt so real.

When I woke up it was the first time I didn’t feel like shit. I felt okay. I didn’t feel miserable or anything. Is it weird that I feel like something like this happened in my past, yet it never has? Whatever it was, it briefly made me feel like I’ll be okay. I don’t know. Maybe I should lay off of the sleeping pills.

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Fingertips

OneRepublicFingertips

We were running from the waves on the shallows
Trying to keep ourselves alone and out of sight
All right, all right, all right
You were talking about the night when I cashed out
Traded glances as I stole your lovers light
All right, all right, all right
That’s how I recall it and you and I

I remember it, it was a night just like this
One of those moments that just slip
But you just feel it from your heart to your fingertips, yeah
And I remember it, it was a late summer bliss
One of those moments that just slip
But you feel it from your heart to your fingertips, yeah

And I remember you, you were first on my list
One of those moments that just slip
But you feel it from your heart to your fingertips, yeah
I remember us, you were a late summer bliss
One of those moments that just slips
But you feel it from your heart to your fingertips, yeah

We were drinking from the same old glasses
That we borrowed from my roommate down the hall, hall, hall
Down the hall and you were like
I remember it, it was a night just like this
One of those moments that just slip
But you feel it from your heart to your fingertips, yeah
And I remember it, it was a late summer bliss
One of those moments that just slip
But you feel it from your heart to your fingertips, yeah


I miss my parents. I miss my granduncle. I miss my close friends. I just want to be okay again. I’m constantly thinking of when that will happen. It’s a daily struggle for me to get it together and to put on this temporary mask.

When?

I got back from Seattle last night after spending the long weekend there by myself. It was my first trip where I was by myself and I actually had a great time. Even though I enjoyed myself and as my trip was coming to an end, I felt really sad. I was sad to leave since I’ve grown a fondness for it, but once again PC came to mind. I just want to be able to come back to Seattle without him ever crossing my mind. It’s like the more you try to disregard it, the more it’s in your face. This time around I found myself with more thoughts of how he treated me instead of the much more happier, pleasant thoughts of him. Unfortunately, it still really hurts and I just really want to let it all go. It’s sad when the much more fonder memories that you remember is glazed over with how cold someone can be. When do the thoughts and remnants of feelings go away? Does it ever? How much longer? It’s been so long since we’ve spoken and I just want him out of my system. It’s just pathetic at this point for any of this to still linger.

Both times when I had left the airport in Seattle to go to my hotel and leaving my hotel to go to the airport, I sat by the window seat and stared out aimlessly. My chest felt so heavy and oddly enough I felt like crying and letting it all out. I felt this weird comfort blanket while I was in Seattle. I haven’t cried since I came back from Boston nearly 3-4 weeks ago. I remember the night I came back, which was the same day of my granduncle’s funeral, I had taken a long shower to calm me down. Once the lights were off and I was in bed, I cried so hard and I just wanted to let it all out. I didn’t want to be in that position again, but tonight I find myself crying like that again. It’s been very difficult for me to simply be myself. It was so painful for me to return to work and to keep it moving. It’s still an adjustment for me and I just don’t want to come off not performing well because of family matters.

During my trip in Seattle I felt like I was being more of my old positive and productive self. I worked out everyday during my entire trip and hung out at coffee shops reading like I used to. I haven’t worked out in so long and it was refreshing. So far I’m sticking to my routine. I haven’t gone out to a coffee shop to read in awhile because I just wanted to isolate myself. I’m trying to pull myself out of this hole and to take better care of myself. I talk to my parents, especially my mom every single day. I try my best to be as supportive as I can, but it’s hard for me. I hate to sound so selfish by saying that and of course I want to make her smile and do anything that I can to take away any of her pain, but I wish she didn’t have leukemia. Last week while I was at the eye doctor’s and with having to be asked routine questions on medical history in my family, I cringed. When the guy asked about cancer in the family, I was legit going to start crying my eyes out right there when I had to answer him. When do you feel “okay” to answer that question?

Since being back from Boston, I have my good and bad days. Today is a bad day and I’m sure I’ll have more days like this. I think mentally I’m trying my hardest to make everything better again and it’s so overwhelming that I started crying. So I ask again, when does this heartache go away? How much longer will I have to deal with this? Will this ever go away?