Heartbroken

Currently on my flight back to Cali from Boston. It has been a very chaotic 2 weeks. This has by far been the most stressful and emotional trip home. With all the things that has happened, I’m not myself. I can’t think clearly. My mind feels like a sponge getting the shit squeezed out of it. There’s lots of sleepless nights. I have a lot of anxiety being around people and even close friends. It’s just a lot right now.

It was nice to be around a few of my close friends during this crazy time. They’ve been nothing but supportive and understanding. However, I kept holding in my emotions because I didn’t want to cry in front of any of them. A lot happened on the first day when I came back and I got so overwhelmed that I had a mental breakdown later that night when I got back to L’s place. I just lost my shit from trying to “be myself”. I didn’t want to sit and sulk in my sadness while I’m with my friends. I know they’re my friends, but I’m stubborn and hate to be a burden to anyone.

After day one being home, I really wanted to isolate myself. I was really scared to be around a lot of people, including my parents. I had spent one night at L’s and the next day we just chilled and had a mini bbq with a few of us. I dreaded seeing my parents because I was scared to deal with the reality of things. When I pulled into the driveway, I broke down crying in the car for awhile. I had to let it out of my system before I went inside to see my parents. Since being home, I’ve had several of those moments of crying in the car. I remember the night before my mom’s doctor’s appointment the next day, I came home from having dinner with L. I texted her and a couple close friends and told them I was scared about the appointment. I just felt my heart sinking as I cried in the car and prayed that my mom will be okay.

The next day I had to get myself together and to not show any fear, especially since she was scared shitless for what the doctor would tell her. When I sat in on the conversation with my mom and the doctors, one of the doctor’s facial expressions looked extremely concerning to me. It was as if he had bad news to spill and had to be gentle with his delivery. I was getting teary eyed when he looked at me, but thankfully the news wasn’t too bad. I still hope for the best for my mom and the doctor’s will continue monitoring her. For now she’s relieved with what the doctors has told her and I’ve done the best that I can to reassure her that she will be okay.

Two days later I attended my granduncle’s wake. I cringed at the thought of seeing my absolutely shitty relatives from my dad’s side. They haven’t seen me in 4-5 years since I’ve done a pretty good job of shutting them out of my life. Not only was I really upset about my granduncle’s death, but I was bracing myself to get judged and pretty much shitted on by my relatives. They were shocked to see me since none of them knew I was visiting. Of course no surprise that their ignorance would still make an appearance at the demise of someone’s death. You should seriously rot in hell for behaving like that. Nothing like coming to pay my respect for my granduncle while I get roasted by my relatives. Out of my 2 cousins that showed up, my granduncle’s death had a bigger impact on me than either one of them.

When I walked into the ceremony room, my heart broke into so many pieces. Seeing him in that casket killed me. Seeing my grandaunt crying pained me so much. After I bowed with the incense and approached my granduncle, I balled my eyes out while I was bowing to him. It was the first time ever that I never saw him smile. He always had a big friendly and warm smile on his face whenever I saw him. He just laid there so peacefully. When I approached my grandaunt and her kids, I gave her held her hands and gave her a big hug. She had not seen me for quite some time and it’s a shame that this is the time we had to see each other under these circumstances. While folding the paper to burn, I just felt like someone ripped my heart out.

I was originally going to only attend the wake since I had to catch my flight the next day, but it pained me so much that not many people attended the funeral. There was at least like 15 of us amongst so many empty seats. My grandaunt didn’t want my granduncle’s obituary published and just wanted privacy. I totally understand and I don’t blame her. I felt guilty if I didn’t go. I wanted to spend as much time as I can to see him before I had to go to the airport. Once again, shitty relatives were surprised that my ass made yet another appearance. Fucking assholes, ugh.

When I saw my granduncle again today, the heartache just felt a million times worst. When I saw my other grandaunt (my granduncle’s sister) both last night and today, I cried even more seeing her so sad. Hearing my grandaunt (granduncle’s wife) cry loudly here and there, I felt like I got stabbed. When we all had to get up and bow together, each time I bowed the pain just hurt more and more. Going up to his casket one last time, seeing him and bowing to him was extremely painful since I would never get to see his physical being ever again. When we arrived to the cemetery and got our roses, incense and money paper, I felt like every time I bowed or moved, I cried even more. I didn’t want to say goodbye. I get teary every time I kept looking at his picture. He is buried in a beautiful yet peaceful spot. A suitable spot for him.

After the ceremony was completed, I went up to my grandaunt (granduncle’s wife) to wish her well and that unfortunately I had to leave for the airport. I gave her a long hug. I said goodbye to my other grandaunt and she apparently had no idea that I moved to Cali. She hasn’t seen me in a few years and barely recognized me because apparently I’m all grown up now. It was nice chatting with her and giving her a hug. I gave my mom a big hug and kiss before I left as well as my dad. While everyone was heading out so quickly. I really wanted to stay by my granduncle’s gravesite. Time was so rushed for me.

Going to the airport after a funeral fucking sucks. I hope I never ever have to do that shit again. I changed out of my funeral attire and into more comfy clothes when I got to the airport. I fixed my makeup so I didn’t look like this nutcase that was a hot ass mess crying. I had some time to kill and sat by the window staring out and I got teary eyed again. How the fuck do you contain yourself in public after that? When the plane took off I cried a bit staring out the window. I’m looking forward to getting off of this plane and taking a long shower.

I really don’t feel like the same person after this trip. Granted anyone passing away is very sad, but this heartache is so indescribable. I’ve been hit hard with news about my mom’s health and the death of my granduncle. I find myself really wanting to isolate myself when I get back to Cali. I just need alone time and to heal. I’m this big ball of sensitivity and can’t handle being around anyone right now. I just want peace and quiet. I want everyone to be happy and to okay. I’m in a lot of pain and I’m trying to figure out how to make myself okay again.

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3 comments
  1. I’m sorry to hear about all of this. Lean on your friends, run, work out, write, have some quiet time – anything to help your heart heal and to recharge your batteries.

  2. ahmee9 said:

    Sorry that you had to deal with all this in just two weeks. And sorry to hear that some of your relatives were not the nicest…but you were awesome for being there for your granduncle and grandaunt.

    I hope the very best for your mom!

    But for now, time to go take care of yourself and go have all the alone time you need. Maybe another photo trip? 🙂 *hugs*

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