I feel like I’m in this never ending shit show and the series of bad events continues to happen. I was already feeling super anxious and scared about coming home. My friends has been very supportive during this difficult time. I was starting to feel a little calm. While I was waiting to board my flight tonight, I called my parents to let them know my whereabouts. After I got done talking to my dad, he passed the phone to my mom. We’re talking casually and we both seem to be in good spirits…until she told me my grand uncle passed away today.
I was horrified and felt like someone stab me right in the heart. I’m very heartbroken already, but didn’t think things could get any worst. I wanted to cry, but I resisted. I was holding it in and didn’t want to go into the bathroom crying yet alone to cry anywhere in public. I felt so weak and just wanted to scream. To scream asking the world why the fuck is this happening to me? Why are my loved ones hurting? For now, I’m a bit relieved that I’m on a red eye flight home since people will be sleeping and the lights will be off. I got teary eyed after the flight crew completed their routine rounds of drinks and snacks. The timing to go home to my family and friends couldn’t be any better, but of course I wish it was under the best circumstances.
My grand uncle is my dad’s uncle. Both him and his wife are such good people. He was the closest to a grandfather figure to me. Growing up my parents and I always visited him and his wife. We were the only ones throughout my entire dad’s side of the fam that actually gave a fuck about them. They always made yummy food for us.
I remember my grand uncle would take me to buy candy. I remember wanting to buy those fake cigarette candy and he would be playful and joke around with me after he got me them. Many times he would treat me to some candy and walk to the park. I remember he would always show me a new card trick when I saw one. I thought he was such an incredible person for being so knowledgable about so many things. He was very smart when it came to academics, magic tricks, musician, and more. He was the absolute best person. As he got older the candy purchases and card tricks stopped. He was losing his hearing and his health wasn’t in the best condition, but we would still see him and he appreciated it.
The love he had for me versus with my actual paternal grandfather can’t even come close. He loved me regardless if my Chinese got bad yet my English improved when I was little. He would make the effort to speak to me in English because he saw how embarrassed I was to speak Chinese and knew I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. He never judged me or even harshly reprimand me for speaking English around him. I remember how proud he was of me going to art school to pursue my design career. As most of my family was unsupportive of that, he was just proud I was continuing my education. He was truly an admirable, good man.
I really loved him a lot and to be potentially be attending a funeral during this trip home kills me. I don’t want to go come back from this trip feeling as damaged as I do already. I am truly praying for this craziness to stop. After I got done speaking with my mom, I immediately texted my close friends that I will be seeing in the matter of hours about the news and I warned them that I’ll probably be extra sensitive and emotional. Of course they continue supporting and loving me. I am grateful for the amazing people in my life.
I not only hope for tomorrow to be a better day, but for much more better days to come.