Midnight Ramblings

My insomnia is getting progressively worst due to my stress. No matter what I do, I can’t sleep comfortably. I had bought a new mattress thinking that would help. Nope. It only helped my back pain, which is a good thing. Anything I take isn’t helping at all. The stress is affecting some hair loss for me. I have really thick, long hair, but it’s borderline disgusting how much hair I am shedding. I didn’t realize how bad my stress was affecting me until I made an emergency appointment to the dentist. I’ve noticed some sensitivity on the left side of my jaw. I wasn’t sure if it was related to my last visit to the dentist with getting my crown put in. After the dentist checked things out, he simply asked if I was stressed out and I said yes. He told me I’ve been grinding my teeth while I’m sleeping and I’m grinding it so hard that I’m fucking up my own teeth. That freaked me out and I’ll be returning tomorrow to have another crown put in. I’m glad I caught this before my upcoming flight home this week. Otherwise I will feel like absolute shit.

During the past 2 nights, my landlord has been extremely generous to include me during dinner. Both him and his wife treat me so well already. His parents are visiting and they were cooking dinner. Since we’re both going to be traveling this week and won’t be seeing each other for awhile, he asked me to join them. I kindly accepted and tried to be as helpful as I can, but they just told me to sit my ass down and eat. I felt a bit uncomfortable at first because I feel like my landlord told them what’s wrong with me, but I tried not to think about it too much. After dinner I returned to my room feeling so overwhelmed by their kindness and I started tearing up. With the shit I’m dealing with right now, I don’t really want to be around anyone and when you’re being extra nice to me I feel pitiful. It’s really weird to feel that way and I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I do really appreciate their kindness though. I told my parents about them inviting me to dinner and they’re happy to hear that I’m being treated so well.

As for the reasons of my previous depressing posts and the overload of stress that I’ve been dealing with, my parents got divorced…and hid that shit from me…and it happened last year. WTF. I was beyond angry with them. I felt betrayed and confused. I ignored their many calls and when I did pick up I asked them why did they lie to me? I was very heartbroken. We didn’t speak for almost a week and when we did more bad news came…

The following week later I found out my mom has been diagnosed with leukemia. How do I not lose my shit at this point? I was shocked, angry, and upset. I called my parents to understand what’s going on. I found out when my mom’s next doctor’s appointment is and I had booked a flight home. I emailed my boss after I got my travel arrangements all set and gave him a heads up for what’s going on and that I’ll be working remotely. He was very understanding and very kind about it. I was hoping to be home for a month, but I needed time to get myself together. At this point I’m a fucking mess. Cluster fuck mess. I’ll be visiting home for 2 weeks and taking care of my mom. I know I have to be strong for her, but I’m beyond fragile right now. You hear stories of these unfortunate things happening to others and it’s awful, but when it’s your own mom…fuck, it’s just on another level.

I remember that night after speaking with my parents, I called my close friend back home, M about the news. I was devastated and felt so alone handling this unexpected news. After that call, I made a call to L, my ‘work mom’ at my last job. We were suppose to attend a design event the next night, but I called her telling what’s going on. I started making a few calls to close friends back home that I was coming home soon. This wasn’t something to text about, so a phone call was much more suitable . At this point I’m so drained. My head was killing me from being so upset. Came the next day I was like a vegetable in bed. I was just in bed and a fucking hot ass mess. I had forgotten about my lunch plans with my colleague, IT and I felt bad to bail. Recently she had shared with me that her sister has leukemia and I followed through with having lunch with her because I felt like she can understand how I felt. I haven’t been in the office for almost a month. Prior to the news, I wasn’t coming into the office much since my team is all in Colorado, my boss works remotely a lot, so why not stay home? IT was always nice to me and would ask how I’m doing since she noticed I wasn’t coming into the office as often. I still make the effort to grab lunch with her since I’m the only one she clicks so well with. When I told her about my mom, she was very comforting. Later on that day I went to hang out with L and D. D’s brother has leukemia as well and was telling me a lot things about the things her and her family had went through. I didn’t really want to talk anymore about it. I just wanted it to be a ‘normal’ day of us hanging out. We had a nice dinner along with much needed drinks. They were both very supportive and sweet.

After dinner, I went back to L’s house with her. We sat on the couch just chatting. I was saying why is this all happening to me? The line that really got me tearing up was ‘I feel like I’m getting punished for no reason and I try so hard to be good’. Soon enough I started crying. I kept thinking to myself ‘please don’t hug me or I’ll cry even more’. Yeah…too late. L went into mommy mode and hugged me really tight while I was crying on her shoulder. I wish it was my mom that I was hugging to let her know things will be okay. I couldn’t be more grateful to have L in my life and to have been there for me in that moment.

The last time I had really cried it all out was that night at L’s and that was last week. The next day I was more calm about the situation. I was hoping to have some time to myself that following weekend, which didn’t happen. I got dragged out to Big Sur unexpectedly by PW and I can’t thank him enough for taking me on a weekend full of photography fun. I don’t want to sound overly dramatic, but he really saved me. Not saying that like I was going to do some crazy shit to myself. I felt like I was sinking deep into a dark hole and he lifted me up. I don’t think he realizes how big of a deal him doing that for me was, but I will never forget it. Coming back from Big Sur I felt somewhat okay again.

While talking to L and other friends they felt relieved that I seemed like my old self again. They’ve made comments like “you’re dealing with this so well. you’re so calm”. I just didn’t want to cry and to be sad anymore. Of course I have my random bad moments and I want to cry, but I tell myself that nothing is for sure yet. My mom’s next appointment will be a definite confirmation of her diagnosis and I pray it’s a misdiagnosis. I don’t want to waste my time right now crying about nothing. Although deep down inside, I’m cringing and bracing myself for what will come my way during my time visiting home. I look forward to spending some quality time with my close friends the day I arrive since majority of my visit will be at my parent’s place.

It’s been a very rough year for me and I just want it to be over. I want the people that I love in my life to be happy, healthy and to be at peace. Yet my world feels like it’s falling apart and I’m surrounded by chaos. Tonight I started crying again because I’m scared. Three more days I will be home and will have to really deal with the reality of things. All I can do is to hope for things to get better from here.


7 thoughts on “Midnight Ramblings

  1. I’ll be thinking of you and your family. Look after yourself first so you can be strong for your mom. Read up on leukemia and the options available for patients. Develop your own support network and one for your mom too.

    Take care. *hugs*

  2. I am sorry all this is happening and I hope everything will be okay with your family. It’s going to be tough, but don’t forget to take care of yourself in the midst of everything

  3. omgosh, i’m so sorry to hear this 😦 yes, please do take care of yourself! My thoughts are with you and your family – your mom certainly is lucky to have you to help her through this. sending big hugs your way…

  4. We do not measure enough the deep devastation for the children caused by a divorce . And more now your moher is ill . Fortunately you have around you people wjho love and want to help you . Let them help you and go on .
    In friendship

  5. I’m sorry to hear that all of this is happening to you and your family. 😦 Please take care of yourself! I am hoping that everything turns out well for you and your family.


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