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Monthly Archives: September 2016

Daniel CaesarStreetcar

Let me know
Do I still got time to grow?
Things ain’t always set in stone
That be known let me know

Seems like street lights, glowing, happen to be
Just like moments passing in front of me
So I hopped in the cab and I paid my fare
See I know my destination, I’m just not there
All the street lights, glowing, happen to be
Just like moments passing in front of me
So I hopped in the cab and I paid my fare
See I know my destination, I’m just not there

In these streets
In these streets
I’m just not there in these streets
I’m just not there
Life just ain’t fair

Seems like street lights, glowing, happen to be
Just like moments passing in front of me
So I hopped in the cab and I paid my fare
See I know my destination, but I’m just not there
All the street lights, glowing, happen to be
Just like moments passing in front of me
So I hopped in the cab and I paid my fare
See I know my destination, I’m just not there

In these streets
In these streets
I’m just not there in these streets
I’m just not there
Life just ain’t fair

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Currently on my flight back to Cali from Boston. It has been a very chaotic 2 weeks. This has by far been the most stressful and emotional trip home. With all the things that has happened, I’m not myself. I can’t think clearly. My mind feels like a sponge getting the shit squeezed out of it. There’s lots of sleepless nights. I have a lot of anxiety being around people and even close friends. It’s just a lot right now.

It was nice to be around a few of my close friends during this crazy time. They’ve been nothing but supportive and understanding. However, I kept holding in my emotions because I didn’t want to cry in front of any of them. A lot happened on the first day when I came back and I got so overwhelmed that I had a mental breakdown later that night when I got back to L’s place. I just lost my shit from trying to “be myself”. I didn’t want to sit and sulk in my sadness while I’m with my friends. I know they’re my friends, but I’m stubborn and hate to be a burden to anyone.

After day one being home, I really wanted to isolate myself. I was really scared to be around a lot of people, including my parents. I had spent one night at L’s and the next day we just chilled and had a mini bbq with a few of us. I dreaded seeing my parents because I was scared to deal with the reality of things. When I pulled into the driveway, I broke down crying in the car for awhile. I had to let it out of my system before I went inside to see my parents. Since being home, I’ve had several of those moments of crying in the car. I remember the night before my mom’s doctor’s appointment the next day, I came home from having dinner with L. I texted her and a couple close friends and told them I was scared about the appointment. I just felt my heart sinking as I cried in the car and prayed that my mom will be okay.

The next day I had to get myself together and to not show any fear, especially since she was scared shitless for what the doctor would tell her. When I sat in on the conversation with my mom and the doctors, one of the doctor’s facial expressions looked extremely concerning to me. It was as if he had bad news to spill and had to be gentle with his delivery. I was getting teary eyed when he looked at me, but thankfully the news wasn’t too bad. I still hope for the best for my mom and the doctor’s will continue monitoring her. For now she’s relieved with what the doctors has told her and I’ve done the best that I can to reassure her that she will be okay.

Two days later I attended my granduncle’s wake. I cringed at the thought of seeing my absolutely shitty relatives from my dad’s side. They haven’t seen me in 4-5 years since I’ve done a pretty good job of shutting them out of my life. Not only was I really upset about my granduncle’s death, but I was bracing myself to get judged and pretty much shitted on by my relatives. They were shocked to see me since none of them knew I was visiting. Of course no surprise that their ignorance would still make an appearance at the demise of someone’s death. You should seriously rot in hell for behaving like that. Nothing like coming to pay my respect for my granduncle while I get roasted by my relatives. Out of my 2 cousins that showed up, my granduncle’s death had a bigger impact on me than either one of them.

When I walked into the ceremony room, my heart broke into so many pieces. Seeing him in that casket killed me. Seeing my grandaunt crying pained me so much. After I bowed with the incense and approached my granduncle, I balled my eyes out while I was bowing to him. It was the first time ever that I never saw him smile. He always had a big friendly and warm smile on his face whenever I saw him. He just laid there so peacefully. When I approached my grandaunt and her kids, I gave her held her hands and gave her a big hug. She had not seen me for quite some time and it’s a shame that this is the time we had to see each other under these circumstances. While folding the paper to burn, I just felt like someone ripped my heart out.

I was originally going to only attend the wake since I had to catch my flight the next day, but it pained me so much that not many people attended the funeral. There was at least like 15 of us amongst so many empty seats. My grandaunt didn’t want my granduncle’s obituary published and just wanted privacy. I totally understand and I don’t blame her. I felt guilty if I didn’t go. I wanted to spend as much time as I can to see him before I had to go to the airport. Once again, shitty relatives were surprised that my ass made yet another appearance. Fucking assholes, ugh.

When I saw my granduncle again today, the heartache just felt a million times worst. When I saw my other grandaunt (my granduncle’s sister) both last night and today, I cried even more seeing her so sad. Hearing my grandaunt (granduncle’s wife) cry loudly here and there, I felt like I got stabbed. When we all had to get up and bow together, each time I bowed the pain just hurt more and more. Going up to his casket one last time, seeing him and bowing to him was extremely painful since I would never get to see his physical being ever again. When we arrived to the cemetery and got our roses, incense and money paper, I felt like every time I bowed or moved, I cried even more. I didn’t want to say goodbye. I get teary every time I kept looking at his picture. He is buried in a beautiful yet peaceful spot. A suitable spot for him.

After the ceremony was completed, I went up to my grandaunt (granduncle’s wife) to wish her well and that unfortunately I had to leave for the airport. I gave her a long hug. I said goodbye to my other grandaunt and she apparently had no idea that I moved to Cali. She hasn’t seen me in a few years and barely recognized me because apparently I’m all grown up now. It was nice chatting with her and giving her a hug. I gave my mom a big hug and kiss before I left as well as my dad. While everyone was heading out so quickly. I really wanted to stay by my granduncle’s gravesite. Time was so rushed for me.

Going to the airport after a funeral fucking sucks. I hope I never ever have to do that shit again. I changed out of my funeral attire and into more comfy clothes when I got to the airport. I fixed my makeup so I didn’t look like this nutcase that was a hot ass mess crying. I had some time to kill and sat by the window staring out and I got teary eyed again. How the fuck do you contain yourself in public after that? When the plane took off I cried a bit staring out the window. I’m looking forward to getting off of this plane and taking a long shower.

I really don’t feel like the same person after this trip. Granted anyone passing away is very sad, but this heartache is so indescribable. I’ve been hit hard with news about my mom’s health and the death of my granduncle. I find myself really wanting to isolate myself when I get back to Cali. I just need alone time and to heal. I’m this big ball of sensitivity and can’t handle being around anyone right now. I just want peace and quiet. I want everyone to be happy and to okay. I’m in a lot of pain and I’m trying to figure out how to make myself okay again.

I feel like I’m in this never ending shit show and the series of bad events continues to happen. I was already feeling super anxious and scared about coming home. My friends has been very supportive during this difficult time. I was starting to feel a little calm. While I was waiting to board my flight tonight, I called my parents to let them know my whereabouts. After I got done talking to my dad, he passed the phone to my mom. We’re talking casually and we both seem to be in good spirits…until she told me my grand uncle passed away today.

I was horrified and felt like someone stab me right in the heart. I’m very heartbroken already, but didn’t think things could get any worst. I wanted to cry, but I resisted. I was holding it in and didn’t want to go into the bathroom crying yet alone to cry anywhere in public. I felt so weak and just wanted to scream. To scream asking the world why the fuck is this happening to me? Why are my loved ones hurting? For now, I’m a bit relieved that I’m on a red eye flight home since people will be sleeping and the lights will be off. I got teary eyed after the flight crew completed their routine rounds of drinks and snacks. The timing to go home to my family and friends couldn’t be any better, but of course I wish it was under the best circumstances.

My grand uncle is my dad’s uncle. Both him and his wife are such good people. He was the closest to a grandfather figure to me. Growing up my parents and I always visited him and his wife. We were the only ones throughout my entire dad’s side of the fam that actually gave a fuck about them. They always made yummy food for us.

I remember my grand uncle would take me to buy candy. I remember wanting to buy those fake cigarette candy and he would be playful and joke around with me after he got me them. Many times he would treat me to some candy and walk to the park. I remember he would always show me a new card trick when I saw one. I thought he was such an incredible person for being so knowledgable about so many things. He was very smart when it came to academics, magic tricks, musician, and more. He was the absolute best person. As he got older the candy purchases and card tricks stopped. He was losing his hearing and his health wasn’t in the best condition, but we would still see him and he appreciated it.

The love he had for me versus with my actual paternal grandfather can’t even come close. He loved me regardless if my Chinese got bad yet my English improved when I was little. He would make the effort to speak to me in English because he saw how embarrassed I was to speak Chinese and knew I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. He never judged me or even harshly reprimand me for speaking English around him. I remember how proud he was of me going to art school to pursue my design career. As most of my family was unsupportive of that, he was just proud I was continuing my education. He was truly an admirable, good man.

I really loved him a lot and to be potentially be attending a funeral during this trip home kills me. I don’t want to go come back from this trip feeling as damaged as I do already. I am truly praying for this craziness to stop. After I got done speaking with my mom, I immediately texted my close friends that I will be seeing in the matter of hours about the news and I warned them that I’ll probably be extra sensitive and emotional. Of course they continue supporting and loving me. I am grateful for the amazing people in my life.

I not only hope for tomorrow to be a better day, but for much more better days to come.

My insomnia is getting progressively worst due to my stress. No matter what I do, I can’t sleep comfortably. I had bought a new mattress thinking that would help. Nope. It only helped my back pain, which is a good thing. Anything I take isn’t helping at all. The stress is affecting some hair loss for me. I have really thick, long hair, but it’s borderline disgusting how much hair I am shedding. I didn’t realize how bad my stress was affecting me until I made an emergency appointment to the dentist. I’ve noticed some sensitivity on the left side of my jaw. I wasn’t sure if it was related to my last visit to the dentist with getting my crown put in. After the dentist checked things out, he simply asked if I was stressed out and I said yes. He told me I’ve been grinding my teeth while I’m sleeping and I’m grinding it so hard that I’m fucking up my own teeth. That freaked me out and I’ll be returning tomorrow to have another crown put in. I’m glad I caught this before my upcoming flight home this week. Otherwise I will feel like absolute shit.

During the past 2 nights, my landlord has been extremely generous to include me during dinner. Both him and his wife treat me so well already. His parents are visiting and they were cooking dinner. Since we’re both going to be traveling this week and won’t be seeing each other for awhile, he asked me to join them. I kindly accepted and tried to be as helpful as I can, but they just told me to sit my ass down and eat. I felt a bit uncomfortable at first because I feel like my landlord told them what’s wrong with me, but I tried not to think about it too much. After dinner I returned to my room feeling so overwhelmed by their kindness and I started tearing up. With the shit I’m dealing with right now, I don’t really want to be around anyone and when you’re being extra nice to me I feel pitiful. It’s really weird to feel that way and I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I do really appreciate their kindness though. I told my parents about them inviting me to dinner and they’re happy to hear that I’m being treated so well.

As for the reasons of my previous depressing posts and the overload of stress that I’ve been dealing with, my parents got divorced…and hid that shit from me…and it happened last year. WTF. I was beyond angry with them. I felt betrayed and confused. I ignored their many calls and when I did pick up I asked them why did they lie to me? I was very heartbroken. We didn’t speak for almost a week and when we did more bad news came…

The following week later I found out my mom has been diagnosed with leukemia. How do I not lose my shit at this point? I was shocked, angry, and upset. I called my parents to understand what’s going on. I found out when my mom’s next doctor’s appointment is and I had booked a flight home. I emailed my boss after I got my travel arrangements all set and gave him a heads up for what’s going on and that I’ll be working remotely. He was very understanding and very kind about it. I was hoping to be home for a month, but I needed time to get myself together. At this point I’m a fucking mess. Cluster fuck mess. I’ll be visiting home for 2 weeks and taking care of my mom. I know I have to be strong for her, but I’m beyond fragile right now. You hear stories of these unfortunate things happening to others and it’s awful, but when it’s your own mom…fuck, it’s just on another level.

I remember that night after speaking with my parents, I called my close friend back home, M about the news. I was devastated and felt so alone handling this unexpected news. After that call, I made a call to L, my ‘work mom’ at my last job. We were suppose to attend a design event the next night, but I called her telling what’s going on. I started making a few calls to close friends back home that I was coming home soon. This wasn’t something to text about, so a phone call was much more suitable . At this point I’m so drained. My head was killing me from being so upset. Came the next day I was like a vegetable in bed. I was just in bed and a fucking hot ass mess. I had forgotten about my lunch plans with my colleague, IT and I felt bad to bail. Recently she had shared with me that her sister has leukemia and I followed through with having lunch with her because I felt like she can understand how I felt. I haven’t been in the office for almost a month. Prior to the news, I wasn’t coming into the office much since my team is all in Colorado, my boss works remotely a lot, so why not stay home? IT was always nice to me and would ask how I’m doing since she noticed I wasn’t coming into the office as often. I still make the effort to grab lunch with her since I’m the only one she clicks so well with. When I told her about my mom, she was very comforting. Later on that day I went to hang out with L and D. D’s brother has leukemia as well and was telling me a lot things about the things her and her family had went through. I didn’t really want to talk anymore about it. I just wanted it to be a ‘normal’ day of us hanging out. We had a nice dinner along with much needed drinks. They were both very supportive and sweet.

After dinner, I went back to L’s house with her. We sat on the couch just chatting. I was saying why is this all happening to me? The line that really got me tearing up was ‘I feel like I’m getting punished for no reason and I try so hard to be good’. Soon enough I started crying. I kept thinking to myself ‘please don’t hug me or I’ll cry even more’. Yeah…too late. L went into mommy mode and hugged me really tight while I was crying on her shoulder. I wish it was my mom that I was hugging to let her know things will be okay. I couldn’t be more grateful to have L in my life and to have been there for me in that moment.

The last time I had really cried it all out was that night at L’s and that was last week. The next day I was more calm about the situation. I was hoping to have some time to myself that following weekend, which didn’t happen. I got dragged out to Big Sur unexpectedly by PW and I can’t thank him enough for taking me on a weekend full of photography fun. I don’t want to sound overly dramatic, but he really saved me. Not saying that like I was going to do some crazy shit to myself. I felt like I was sinking deep into a dark hole and he lifted me up. I don’t think he realizes how big of a deal him doing that for me was, but I will never forget it. Coming back from Big Sur I felt somewhat okay again.

While talking to L and other friends they felt relieved that I seemed like my old self again. They’ve made comments like “you’re dealing with this so well. you’re so calm”. I just didn’t want to cry and to be sad anymore. Of course I have my random bad moments and I want to cry, but I tell myself that nothing is for sure yet. My mom’s next appointment will be a definite confirmation of her diagnosis and I pray it’s a misdiagnosis. I don’t want to waste my time right now crying about nothing. Although deep down inside, I’m cringing and bracing myself for what will come my way during my time visiting home. I look forward to spending some quality time with my close friends the day I arrive since majority of my visit will be at my parent’s place.

It’s been a very rough year for me and I just want it to be over. I want the people that I love in my life to be happy, healthy and to be at peace. Yet my world feels like it’s falling apart and I’m surrounded by chaos. Tonight I started crying again because I’m scared. Three more days I will be home and will have to really deal with the reality of things. All I can do is to hope for things to get better from here.