It’s Not Your Fault

This past year with the series of events that has occurred, it’s all been very hard on me. Getting treated like shit for 6 months at my last job was one thing, but when it comes to family related issues that’s another thing. I feel so destroyed that I’m a mess and can’t fix anything. Not everything can ever be in your control, but sometimes you want to be able to be the problem solver. I always try to help my family and friends in any way possible because I love and care about them so deeply that I want them to be happy. In this case I can’t do shit, which makes me I feel helpless and lost. In general I can be pretty hard on myself about a lot of things. It’s a bad habit of mines that I need to get a better grip or perhaps less grip of.

I’ve been giving my room a refresher in hopes that it’ll make me feel better. I enjoy organizing, decluttering and decorating since I find it quite relaxing. I had hopes that this will help take my mind off of things. I had ordered a new nightstand and was excited to put this together since I’m an odd ball that also enjoys assembling things. As I was assembling it and things were fine, all of a sudden I just lost my shit. I had a meltdown and was sobbing there, sitting on the floor and surrounded by the pieces to put this together. I don’t like feeling this way one bit at all. I want to be happy. Shit, I just want to be okay again. While still feeling pretty down, I was watching ‘Flipping Out’ (a show on Bravo) as I was getting ready for bed. Towards the end of the episode, a simple line that stood out to me was ‘it’s not your fault’. I got pretty emotional when I heard it and as I turned the tv off, that line just stayed in my mind-“It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.”

What’s making this harder for me is that I feel like no one understands why I’m feeling the way that I am. I don’t expect anyone to and that’s fine, but fuck. I feel like no one is understanding why this is a big deal to me and why I’m just a fucking mess. I feel so alone in dealing with this by myself. I’m trying my best to cope with it and for now I really have to keep reminding myself that it’s not my fault.

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