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Monthly Archives: August 2016

I know my recent posts has been depressing and blah, but here’s one that isn’t. I’ve been very unhappy and now I’m just so numb from the bad news. I’m so exhausted from feeling sad and angry. I just want a break. Over the weekend I had planned on staying in, relax, maybe run some errands. I assumed that having time to myself would’ve made me feel better. Probably not. I woke up on Saturday morning to a text from PW, a friend of mines from Boston that lives in Cali. We haven’t hung out in a long time and I can’t even recall the last time we hung out. It was probably almost 2 years ago. Anyways, he hit me up and asked what I was up to. He told me he was heading down to Big Sur to take pictures with his new camera and asked if I wanted to join. I was literally still rolling around in bed until he told me I had 15 minutes to get ready since he was already on the road and close by. I legit brushed my teeth, threw on whatever, grabbed my DSLR and threw whatever in my bag.

As much as I wasn’t in the mood to really socialize, the thought of driving down to Big Sur and taking photos sounded very relaxing. It was my second time in Big Sur, but I haven’t had the chance to go to Pfeiffer Beach so I figured why not. During the car ride we did some catching up. He was apologetic for not hanging out with me and I was as well. As he shared a bit of his sadness with me, I dropped my news on him. I just kept staring out the window when I told him what has happened with me and I got really quiet to resist from crying. He grabbed my hand to reassure me that everything will be okay. I wanted to cry from him comforting me, but I held back. In that moment we were two friends, catching up and bonding over our own sadness. We were going to make this mini road trip an awesome day and to put our sadness aside.

We made our first stop at Bixby Bridge and took some photos…except he failed and drove over the bridge lol. He decided to hike down this little trail and I was honestly scared he was going to fall down into the Pacific Ocean. Since I’m an absolute wimp, I just took so photos and was taking in the scenery while I was waiting for him to come back up. Our next stop was Pfeiffer Beach, but too bad the parking lot was full so we went to check out Pfeiffer Falls. We spent a lot of time there taking photos and since PW had recently gotten the Fujifilm X100T, he was messing around with that. After taking photos of the scenery, we spent a LONG time taking selfies with his new camera lol. It was embarrassing yet entertaining. I’m pretty sure there’s more pics of us together than the scenery haha.

As sunset was approaching, we decided to go back to Pfeiffer Beach. At this point a lot of people left so there was plenty of parking. I have to say driving down to where Pfeiffer Beach is was pretty scary. You drive down this really steep road and then 2 miles of a really narrow road. So glad I wasn’t the one driving. When we finally parked and made way walking towards the beach, I got really excited. It was absolutely beautiful. While taking many photos of this gorgeous place, I felt so calm. I took a break and sat down on the sand, holding my camera and was just taking everything in. I felt this sense of reassurance as if everything will be okay.

During the drive home, I thanked PW many times and how much this all meant to me. Since we didn’t get to eat much throughout the day, I treated him to dinner. We were going through our photos and he shared with me the photo that this stranger at Pfeiffer Falls helped take for us. It was a really nice picture and we started joking around about it by coming up with hashtags haha. It was pretty funny and I haven’t laughed that hard in awhile. It was one of those laughs where your stomach starts hurting and you get teary eyed. It was refreshing. After going through PW’s camera at dinner, I was convinced I should buy it…which I ended up doing when I got home. I had looked into getting it before but was hesitant. He told me the great deal he got it for and it was still on sale, so I kinda bit the bullet. What an expensive friend to have…

The next day I thought I was going to stay in because I was extremely tired…only to wake up to PW’s text message telling me to wake up lol. He kept saying how nice the day was and asked me to go to SF to go take pictures again. I eventually caved in and told him I need another hour of sleep and I needed to charge my camera’s battery. I picked him up and we grabbed a quick bite in Chinatown in Oakland. Afterwards, we went to the Exploratorium since he is a member. It was my first time there and wish we had more time to check things out. When the museum closed we just lingered around the Embarcadero, did some people watching, took some more pics. We waited for the sun to set so we can take pictures of the Bay Bridge.

Overall, I’m glad PW managed to get me out of the house during this difficult time. I’m also glad he helped me rekindle my interest in photography again. I’m glad he’s my photographer buddy and I’m looking forward to shooting more. I’m pretty excited about my new camera, too!

 

I really feel like I’m getting played. I seriously feel like I’m going to lose my shit. So much bad news and I can’t handle it anymore. Tonight’s news couldn’t have broken my heart anymore than it is already. When will the bad news stop? It’s legit never ending and I’m exhausted. I’m tired of being upset. All I want is for everyone in my life to be happy and healthy. I wish my loved ones wasn’t hurting. I wish it could all be me and not them. Why is this happening to me? I feel the world is against me in so many ways and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m playing dodge ball with another person and I just keep getting hit with the ball constantly.

Each day I feel like I’m losing myself and it’s getting so hard to stay strong for everyone, even myself. My world is really falling apart. I truly feel as if I did something so wrong and I’m getting punished for it all. I’m begging for everything to please be okay again.

Justin NozukaBy Your Side (cover)

Live acoustic version which I prefer. The ‘music video’ was lame.


Sade’s ‘By Your Side’ is one of my all time favorite songs and generally I’m not for covers unless it’s done right. This version by Justin Nozuka is acceptable. I was browsing through Spotify and for whatever reason I looked up Justin Nozuka since I used to listen to him a lot long time ago. I was browsing through his old songs and stumbled across a few new ones. I have to say I really enjoy this cover. For what I’m going through right now, I find this song so comforting and almost like a lullaby. Plus, he looks so cute singing and playing the guitar.

Anyways, enjoy and good night!

I just want my hand to be held very firmly to reassure me that everything will be okay. You don’t have to know what’s wrong. I don’t want to talk nor hear what you have to say. I just want to sit there, embrace each other’s silence and hold your warm hand.

It’s getting harder each day and this heartache hurts more.

This past year with the series of events that has occurred, it’s all been very hard on me. Getting treated like shit for 6 months at my last job was one thing, but when it comes to family related issues that’s another thing. I feel so destroyed that I’m a mess and can’t fix anything. Not everything can ever be in your control, but sometimes you want to be able to be the problem solver. I always try to help my family and friends in any way possible because I love and care about them so deeply that I want them to be happy. In this case I can’t do shit, which makes me I feel helpless and lost. In general I can be pretty hard on myself about a lot of things. It’s a bad habit of mines that I need to get a better grip or perhaps less grip of.

I’ve been giving my room a refresher in hopes that it’ll make me feel better. I enjoy organizing, decluttering and decorating since I find it quite relaxing. I had hopes that this will help take my mind off of things. I had ordered a new nightstand and was excited to put this together since I’m an odd ball that also enjoys assembling things. As I was assembling it and things were fine, all of a sudden I just lost my shit. I had a meltdown and was sobbing there, sitting on the floor and surrounded by the pieces to put this together. I don’t like feeling this way one bit at all. I want to be happy. Shit, I just want to be okay again. While still feeling pretty down, I was watching ‘Flipping Out’ (a show on Bravo) as I was getting ready for bed. Towards the end of the episode, a simple line that stood out to me was ‘it’s not your fault’. I got pretty emotional when I heard it and as I turned the tv off, that line just stayed in my mind-“It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.”

What’s making this harder for me is that I feel like no one understands why I’m feeling the way that I am. I don’t expect anyone to and that’s fine, but fuck. I feel like no one is understanding why this is a big deal to me and why I’m just a fucking mess. I feel so alone in dealing with this by myself. I’m trying my best to cope with it and for now I really have to keep reminding myself that it’s not my fault.

With all the chaotic bullshit that I’ve been dealing with, I just said fuck it and booked myself a trip. I need to get out of Cali and have some change in scenery. I’ve decided to visit Seattle again in early October since I love it there and have been wanting to go back since my first trip back in March. Originally I was suppose to go alone the first time around, but my close friend tagged along which was fine and we had a great time. This time I just really want to have some peace and quiet, explore on my own and just do my own thing. I’m excited to be staying at the same hotel as last time since it’s a nice treat for myself. Plus it’ll be nice to go somewhere with legit Fall weather.

Counting down to getting out of town.

Lately life has felt like a giant mess. I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster ride that goes at a different pace whenever it feels like it and my eyes are closed because I’m scared. I’ve been through a lot of emotional distress from my last job and I try to take it one day at a time to get through it all. Of course during this healing process it’s definitely not easy. A few weeks ago an incident had occurred and I had a really bad anxiety attack. I’ve been trying my hardest to not think about it and I didn’t tell anyone except for LY. I tried to keep things moving and the following week later, shit happens again.

This news was probably the most hurtful out of everything that has been going on with me during this past year. I feel so heartbroken, fooled and betrayed and the worst part it was from my parents that caused all of this hurt. I don’t want to get into details about it because it’s still a lot for me to absorb. I’m trying to snap myself out of this. It’s been hard for me to sleep or to even focus on my work. I didn’t want to do anything but to just stay at home with peace and quiet. I just wanted to sleep all day because it hurt me more to be awake and feeling this way. I feel like I keep waking up to this nightmare and the wound just gets deeper everyday as if someone is just pouring alcohol and salt all over it. It fucking sucks.

I feel so alone and I keep asking myself why all of this is happening? I feel like everything is falling apart and I can’t fix any of it, which only makes me feel worst. I am an absolute mess and I need to get myself back together.