Lingering Words

It’s been awhile since I’ve really gone out during the weekends. I got a last minute birthday invitation to a bar in SF from LD, a friend from Boston that now lives in the Bay Area. I don’t really drink as much as I used to. Plus, I haven’t been as social with the shit show from my last job. I opted to go and to stop being such a hermit at home. I forced myself to get dressed up and to go out because I think I really needed it.

When I had arrived, I introduced myself to LD’s friends and got to catch up with her. Had a few drinks and a couple shots. I haven’t drank like that in a very long time. I got to catch up with LD’s boyfriend MH. MH is a really nice guy from the UK and so easy to talk to. He had congratulated me on my new job, but asked me about my last job. I told him the mess that had happened and I explained to him why I haven’t reached out to LD and him to hang out. I just wasn’t in the right place to want to be around anyone. The last time I had seen MH was back in January for my birthday, so it’s definitely been a while since we’ve seen each other.

He was telling me how he was in a very similar situation in the past. He told me how upset he was and had called his mom to vent during that time. It was unfortunate something like that had happened to him. Just like me, his family is all in the UK and he is here in Cali by himself. It was all so relatable. Not sure if he was drunk or not when we were talking about all of this, but for whatever reason this part he said to me has been on my mind since last Saturday. MH said to me that when he had last seen me for my birthday, he felt like I wasn’t myself and that I was trying hard to be my usual self. He understood why I was the way that I was due to my situation. He noticed how sad I was. In that moment I felt really embarrassed and for whatever reason upset with myself.

I know he didn’t mean it in a bad way at all. He’s happy that I’m out of that toxic place. He didn’t say anything wrong, but just stating his opinions. I remember driving home that night, I felt horrible about myself. I felt pathetic that someone had to see me unhappy, even though I was trying my hardest to be happy. I don’t ever want anyone to see me like that ever again.

I’m still trying to get myself back together again from that 6 months of hell. It’s hard for me to not dwell on the past. I absolutely hate feeling this way and I know I’m in control of my happiness. I try my best to focus on the good things that’s happening right now in the present, but during this healing process I’m still very hurt, vulnerable and emotional.

Tomorrow will be a better day.


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