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Monthly Archives: July 2016

I’m still talking to R and things aren’t too bad, but I am allowed to keep my options opened. I recently met J and I was already kinda ‘meh’ about him. He looks like the typical Korean pretty boy that’s all put together. Even though he’s cute, I kinda sensed some cockiness and the ‘I’m too good for you’ attitude. I was already being a bit judgmental, but I gave him a chance just to get a feel for him. I was getting annoyed with J because every time we texted, he kept bugging me the shit out of me to see me. For example, J asked what I was doing for the rest of the day and I told him. Afterwards he asked if I want to meet up. From there if he wasn’t such a dumbass he’d understand that I was pretty busy from what I had just told him. Not in his case because he’s a fucking idiot.  His eagerness was just too much for me, all up in my face and I just wasn’t going to have it. Some girls might like that type of attention, but not me. I felt like there was a chihuahua all up in my face barking non stop. In general I don’t like people like that. I feel that when you’re so eager, I get a sense that you want something, you’re desperate, and just all round bad vibes.

At one point I had to tell J to chill out and you’d think he would. Negative! I had briefly ignored his text messages because he was annoying me and practically talking to himself. Today we exchanged text messages for a bit and yet again bugging the shit out of me to see me. I had enough and his lack of awareness of respecting my space. I just straight up told him that I wasn’t feeling this with him constantly asking to see me and I wasn’t into him. I told him how I’m sure he’s a nice guy and hope he meets a nice girl. I was being honest and pretty polite about it. I didn’t say anything wrong. Well you’d think for a 35 year old man he’d know how to handle his shit. Guess not. Motherfucker laughed it off and responded back with saying ‘well I didn’t want to see you that bad anyways’. Yeah…okay. What an asshole trying to make it seem like it was a loss for me and not him. I can understand why he’s single. He should be glad that I even had the decency to be honest with him than to ignore him like most people would. I’m just glad he’s out of the picture. It made me realize that maybe R isn’t that bad after all. We’ll see.

I started thinking about the guys that I’ve met and dated. The guys that I’ve met either: wants to get in my pants thinking I have “fuck me now” written on my forehead, desperately wants to get wifed up and planning things in advanced for “us”, or they’re boring as fuck with no substance even if they’re smart with what they do in their professions. Can someone tell me why men are bitches? Unfortunately, I feel like a lot of men in Cali are like this. I have to admit I miss dating guys from the East Coast. It’s a HUGE contrast. They at least give me something to work with, but not here AT ALL. With what the guys here want compared to my wants are at total opposite ends. The more I try to be open minded with guys, the more irritable I get. It would be nice to meet someone KH. Giving me that witty banter that I love and is so entertained by yet sweet at the right times when I needed him to be.

But for real, why are men bitches? So annoying and frustrating.

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My maternal grandfather passed away the same year I was born. He was still living in China while my parents were relatively new immigrants to the states during that time. I’ve only seen pictures of him and even pictures from his funeral. In his photos he always had this serious stern look. I’ve always wondered what his personality was like and how he would’ve treated me since I’m his youngest granddaughter. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown more curious about him. Whenever I chat with my mom, I’d ask her about him. I feel like an anxious little kid hearing the stories about him. I start visualizing how he interacts with others and his mannerisms. According to my mom, he always put others first and enjoyed helping others. When someone was sick, he was there to take care of them and get them medicine. But when he was sick, he was stubborn about going to the doctors and having others help him. He worked on bicycles and motorcycles a lot. Seems like a cool guy to me.

My paternal grandfather passed away when I was about 13 or 14 years old. He’s the only grandfather figure I’ve ever been around, but honestly he wasn’t the greatest. Treated me like shit, never really acknowledged me, and all sorts of bad stuff. He just wasn’t a fan of me for whatever reason and I was the most well behaved. Out of all his grandchildren, my brother and I weren’t ever on the top of his list. Well eventually, my brother made it to the top of the list, but I was still on the bottom. I remember when he took my cousins and I out to McDonald’s when we were little, I saw how he favored the others except for me. It was really hurtful when you’re super young and even as an adult. I always tried to win his love, but I’d get shut down. As years went by I resented him because he never gave me a reason to like him. The feeling seemed to be mutual. I remember when he was sick and days before his passing he was kinda sorta acknowledging me. I was a bitter teenager and didn’t care because I felt like it was too late and at this point I was very detached. I wasn’t his biggest fan, but I cried at his funeral. I cried wishing we could’ve had a connection yet I was relieved that he wasn’t going to treat me poorly any longer. Even until this day I only see him as a mere stranger in my life. He was nothing but just a mean old man towards me. We never connected and unfortunately I don’t miss him one bit.

Back to my maternal grandfather…It’s odd for me to feel such greater sadness for a man that I’ve never met. It even gets me a bit teary eyed when I think about him. The love I feel from my mom’s side can’t even come close at all from my dad’s side. My maternal grandmother, uncles, aunts and cousins has treated me so well and I can only imagine that my grandfather would’ve loved me just as much as they do. When my mom shares stories with me about him, like how he really adored one of my cousins, I can only imagine what it would’ve been like. He never got a chance to come to America, but he apparently really wanted to try cheese. Apparently, he had a weird fascination with what cheese would’ve tasted like lol. I thought it was really odd yet cute and funny that that was what he wanted to do if he was to ever come.

I really don’t know why I’m even writing about him. A man that I’ve never met before. Deep down ever since I was little it always made me really sad that we never got to meet. I felt like he could’ve been there to protect me and my mom. He’s just been on my mind a lot and I don’t know why. I hope that I can visit his grave one day in China.

So strange to love and miss someone so much that you’ve never met…

My mom and I generally don’t have much to talk about when we call each other. When I call every day, I just want to know how her day went and if she ate well. I know there’s a lot of things she holds back and doesn’t share with me. I kinda sorta don’t blame her, but tonight I wished she kept this to herself.

We were chatting about family related topics and it wasn’t anything negative at all until she started saying “I don’t know if I should tell you this, but I’ll tell you another time.” I was like, “girrrrrrrl, you better tell me right now!” And yes I called my mom “girl” haha. Anyways, she tells me that my oldest cousin EC from my dad’s side was talking shit about her. Saying how it’s my mom’s fault that my dad has lost a lot of weight, making comments about how miserable my mom is, and overall how my mom isn’t a good person. How do I not get pissed off when my mom has to share this with me? My mom isn’t confrontational at all. She’s very reserved and has good intentions, but she didn’t do anything wrong for this stupid bitch to say anything about her. Luckily my uncle stood up for my mom and said something.

I’m still so mad about it and can be very stubborn and hot headed. The fact that I’m not there to protect my mom makes me feel so useless and even more angry. I would love to drag that stupid bitch out in the street, beat the shit out of her and make her apologize for disrespecting my mom like that. I don’t give a fuck if we are family or not. I don’t like anyone crossing the line with loved ones. Just the nerve this stupid bitch had. Arghh!!! I look forward to my next visit home so I can smack the shit out her. Mind you she’s a lot older than me and should know better. Fucking bitch.

I got teary eyed the more my mom was venting to me about a few other things. I got progressively angrier the more she had shared and it was hard for me to stay calm. It’s not her fault and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. I hate my father’s side so much because each and every one of them are horrible people. Horrible isn’t even the best word to describe them. Fuck them all. At the end of our conversation she kept saying to me how she doesn’t like sharing these things with me because of my temper. She mentioned how she has to keep biting her tongue and I felt so sad for her. I reassured her that I am going to try my best to make things better for her. It really makes me upset knowing all of the bullshit that she has to tolerate. I told her how all of my hard work out here in Cali isn’t just for me, but for her as well except it’s taking me some time.

I want to give her a better and happier life.

R and I started talking back in April. He is a year younger than me and that’s usually not my cup of tea. I didn’t want to be such an ageist and gave him a chance. Based on our conversations, you can tell he was young and I started feeling iffy about him. As we got to know each other things were getting a bit better until…he pissed me off haha. I just felt like he was up to the hit it and quit it kinda shit with me and I wasn’t down with that. I’m just over fucking around and I don’t have the tolerance for that anymore. I said something to him about it and he just laughed it off, so I stopped talking to him. He continued texting me a few times and I would just ignore his messages. It became entertaining for me to see his pathetic text messages.

Now we’re in late July and R hit me up out of nowhere. We haven’t spoken since May. While I was at work I saw a text message from him asking me how my new job is. I ignored the message for 2 days because I didn’t care enough to reply. I told my close friend KH about R and she thinks I’m being mean. KH and I talked about R and I did some thinking. So yesterday after work when I got home, I replied to him. Of course he replied immediately after I had hit ‘send’.

We were catching up and it wasn’t so bad, but then we had a pretty open conversation. I really wanted to know what his intentions were for even hitting me up. I told him how I was a bit interested in him until he was behaving like an ass and I wasn’t going to have any of that bullshit. He apologized and said that wasn’t his intention. Blah blah blah. After our conversation he asked what did I want to do and where do we go from here. Honestly I felt a bit whatever, but I saw no harm in starting over with him. I wasn’t mad about what had happened between us in the past and holding a grudge against him. But it’s going to take a lot for me to be as interested as I used to be in him. I’m kinda glad to be starting fresh with him yet oddly enough I feel anxious and nervous. I’m scared that I’ll actually really like him and I’m scared of getting hurt and rejected.

I guess we’ll see how things go.

July 12, 2016 marked my 3 years living here in Cali. I’m still surprised that I’m still here or that I’m even here at all. The 3 years definitely came by really fast. A lot has happened since I’ve been here and I’d like to say its all been for the better than the worst despite some of the bullshit that I’ve dealt with along the way. Since I don’t visit home much, I’m still homesick. I’ve only visited a total of 4 times. I’m hoping that once I get settled with this new job I can visit home more often. I was looking into visiting home maybe late this summer or early fall for a week, but to mainly see my parents. We speak every day and my dad is always asking when I’ll come home. I feel bad when I have to tell him I don’t know because I really don’t know. Hopefully soon. *crossing fingers*

I remember last July my previous manager and  my team from my last job had set up a Design Offsite. Pretty much we were shooting the shit around the Botanical Garden at Golden Gate Park. It was fun but we had very important discussions about the team’s future in the organization. Thinking back to that time, it was truly the last time we were an actual team. I was even cool with my POS manager before she got promoted. Having to have left the company on the terms that I did, it’s really sad to see the before and after effects of my previous manager leaving along with a couple other people on my team leaving. Granted I’m still quite sensitive to leaving the job and adjusting to my current one, my old team still remains supportive. I remember on my first day at my new job they texted me wishing me good luck and they’ve been checking on me. I really appreciate their friendship and kindness.

Besides work life, my dating life is boring. I’m just not into the guys here. I’ve had too much going on for someone to even catch my attention. I was talking to R for a bit a couple months ago, but he was mad annoying and clingy as fuck. I couldn’t handle that. I had met CS at a design event and didn’t even want to go on a date with him. My work mom LY insisted that I gave it a try and I did, but I was glad to get it over with. CS wasn’t for me and generally ‘vanilla bean isn’t my flavor’. That’s my polite way of saying ‘I’m not into white guys’ haha. I’m focused on taking care of myself right now and in no rush to meet anyone at the moment.

I haven’t had too many visitors from back home, but when I did it was nice. My close friend MH got to join me in my trip to Seattle. KH and I met up in Phoenix for the Lantern Fest. I got to meet up with my college friend DN really last minute for lunch. Most recently LN came to visit me with her hubby since she was out here visiting family around Sacramento. As nice as it is to have visitors, if any, I’d like to be back in Boston and kick it there with my friends. It’s really weird to be out and about here in Cali when my friends come visit. It’s just not natural or something. I hope to see my friends soon.

I found my 3rd year here to be probably my biggest struggle. Granted I’ve always been pretty independent, but this time around I felt even more on my own. It’s definitely made one of the biggest impact in my life. I find each year getting a bit more interesting. As for how long I’ll continue on staying here, I still have no idea. It remains the open ended question and it’s been on my mind a lot. How much longer do I stay here? Should I buy a place back in Boston? Should I move to Seattle? Blahhhh!!!!

For now I’m enjoying everything while it lasts.

It’s been awhile since I’ve really gone out during the weekends. I got a last minute birthday invitation to a bar in SF from LD, a friend from Boston that now lives in the Bay Area. I don’t really drink as much as I used to. Plus, I haven’t been as social with the shit show from my last job. I opted to go and to stop being such a hermit at home. I forced myself to get dressed up and to go out because I think I really needed it.

When I had arrived, I introduced myself to LD’s friends and got to catch up with her. Had a few drinks and a couple shots. I haven’t drank like that in a very long time. I got to catch up with LD’s boyfriend MH. MH is a really nice guy from the UK and so easy to talk to. He had congratulated me on my new job, but asked me about my last job. I told him the mess that had happened and I explained to him why I haven’t reached out to LD and him to hang out. I just wasn’t in the right place to want to be around anyone. The last time I had seen MH was back in January for my birthday, so it’s definitely been a while since we’ve seen each other.

He was telling me how he was in a very similar situation in the past. He told me how upset he was and had called his mom to vent during that time. It was unfortunate something like that had happened to him. Just like me, his family is all in the UK and he is here in Cali by himself. It was all so relatable. Not sure if he was drunk or not when we were talking about all of this, but for whatever reason this part he said to me has been on my mind since last Saturday. MH said to me that when he had last seen me for my birthday, he felt like I wasn’t myself and that I was trying hard to be my usual self. He understood why I was the way that I was due to my situation. He noticed how sad I was. In that moment I felt really embarrassed and for whatever reason upset with myself.

I know he didn’t mean it in a bad way at all. He’s happy that I’m out of that toxic place. He didn’t say anything wrong, but just stating his opinions. I remember driving home that night, I felt horrible about myself. I felt pathetic that someone had to see me unhappy, even though I was trying my hardest to be happy. I don’t ever want anyone to see me like that ever again.

I’m still trying to get myself back together again from that 6 months of hell. It’s hard for me to not dwell on the past. I absolutely hate feeling this way and I know I’m in control of my happiness. I try my best to focus on the good things that’s happening right now in the present, but during this healing process I’m still very hurt, vulnerable and emotional.

Tomorrow will be a better day.